She cheated and left me for him.

[goodguy1]

So here's my story.

 

So my girlfriend and i got together when we were 16 years old over the course of 5 years we grew together so much. I followed her to college, helped her with classes, her job, taught her how to drive, tried to make everyday special and memorable for her. We had out fights but what couple doesn't? We would work out all of our problems and whenever we were mad at each other we'd do our own thing for a hour or two and end up back in each others arms and talk it out. I had to put up with all of stuff with her family as they were very strict when we first started dating and she had a lot of baggage but i was in love and worked through it eventually becoming a big part of her family and being the one person she could talk to about anything.

 

We started to talked about marriage but only being 20 when we initially started talking about it i shared that i was hesitant because we were both young, going to school and didn't have a place of our own as we were living in the dorms. I wanted us to be settled and ready for marriage and i felt we weren't just yet, even though i loved her more than life itself. We continued to grow as a couple, i gave her everything she could have ever asked for. Then it started getting weird and she felt like i was going to cheat on her with every girl at school and work but she was the only one i was ever interested in. I woke up everyday telling her how beautiful she was and how much i loved her and how she was the only one for me but i could tell she was still worried about me and i tried everyday to prove to her she was the only one i have ever wanted to be with.

 

We moved into our first apartment together and she felt bad that her friend didn't have a place to live and moved her in which sucked because we always had problems with her friend. The next thing i know her brother moves in and she quits her job and I'm left working two jobs to support us all while going to school and making time for her. I became super stressed which led to some arguments but nothing too big and i was always loving towards her but let her know how i truly felt about her brother mooching off of us for months and her friend leaving our place a mess. She agreed and we talked to both of them. After that everything seemed back to normal we were in love and happy, celebrated our 5 year anniversary in spectacular fashion and the summer came and it was time for her to go abroad for the summer as required by her major. I helped pay for the $6000 trip and we said our goodbyes at the airport. We held each other crying.

 

She told me she loved me and that i was the one and to wait for her and i said the same. Throughout the rest of the summer i visited her family constantly never letting her know what for as i was asking them for permission to propose to her when she returned to the country. They were ecstatic an even went as far as to help me plan how i would do it. One week after her birthday she broke up with me and never gave me a reason. She said she felt that we were moving too fast after 5 years which was odd to me. I assured her that when she sees me in person she'd feel differently. So when she came back to the country i went to her house so we could talk and i poured my heart and soul out to her. She was crying and said she loved me and that a guy i told her i didn't feel comfortable with her being around kissed her. She assured me it was an isolated incident but i knew she was hiding something and went through her iPad to discover that she had been cheating on me with said guy for a little over a month and that they were exchanging messages talking **** about me. I don't even know the guy so i don't know anything bad he could say about me.

 

I flipped out and she assured me that she regretted everything and that she loved me and wanted to be with me. I told her to give me a day to collect my thoughts. In that time she found out i was going to propose which crushed her. The next time i saw her i told her that i forgive her because i truly loved her and believed we could work it out. She agreed and asked me for a second chance to which i was too happy to oblige. The week seemed to go by like nothing happened we went on dates, she told me she loved me, wanted to marry me, and talked about our future children. I spent every night with her because she begged me too because she missed sleeping with me at night. Everything was going perfect, i took her and her brothers out, fixed her car, and bought her stuff for her trip back to school and then she left back for school without me as i had just graduated before she left abroad so i was focusing on getting a job in my field and working on getting us a house so that way she had a place besides for her parents to live when she graduates this year.

 

As soon as she gets to school she became distant hardly texting or calling me until one night i get a call saying that she's been depressed with me for the last 3 years of our relationship and that the entire last week together was fake and that she didn't love me. I then find out the next day that as soon as she got to school she got with the guy she cheated with and started a relationship yet again and has been introducing him to our mutual friends like i never existed... It sickens me because this guy is a drug dealer and everything she always said she despised in people.

 

How can someone be this cold hearted? Is this a phase she feel like she has too? Why did she leave a good thing for something she always hated? What do i do?

[TX-SC]

Right now you are full of pain and anger. In time you will realize that you have dodged a bullet by finding out now how she truly is. I recommend concentrating on your job or job hunting and concentrate on getting in shape. Maybe get a new haircut and some new clothes. Have you considered grad school? Now is the time.

 

Go to her family and ask them if they can pay you back for the money you spent on her summer abroad. You need to be no contact with her from here on out. No calls, no texts, no FB. This is a simple case of the "bad boy syndrom". He is a wild guy and exciting. Eventually she will come to realize that she messed up. But that won't matter to you because you have now seen how she is and honestly won't give a fork what she does.

[warshaw]

You were too nice. She got bored.

 

Girls need to be treated well but not like they are a princess because they get spoiled and they get bored with you because, well you're just always there and predictable and well, boring!

 

For her the relationship ran it's course and when she met this new guy the sparks started flying all over again and for her it was "love" all over again the way she initially felt it with you.. but for her the emotions were temporary while for you they were enough for a lifetime.

 

The two of you were in completely different places, she suspected it and finally figured it out, and you had no clue until the bitter end but at least you found out now, before you proposed, and before you got locked into a life with a woman who does not love you.

 

She may not have the capacity to love anyone for long periods, and such people are destined to many sequential short and maybe even long term relationships for the rest of their lives. For them, every relationship will have a beginning, and every relationship will have an end. It's only a matter of when. That is not you. Accept this and move on as soon as you can.

[goodguy1]

I already started no contact and on day 8 of it. I deleted her number from my phone and working on erasing it from my memory, and have blocked her on Facebook. I don't think her parents will pay me back as they are not financially stable. and i worked hard on keeping the relationship interesting and fun making sure we went to knew and exciting places whenever we could afford it. and everytime i asked if she wanted to go out and party she would say no and now I'm starting to realize that she wanted to party just not with me. man 5 1/2 years wasted...

[warshaw]

Yeah I wouldn't go after the parents for the money you spent on her.

 

Think of what you already saved on an engagement ring.

[TX-SC]

I already started no contact and on day 8 of it. I deleted her number from my phone and working on erasing it from my memory, and have blocked her on Facebook. I don't think her parents will pay me back as they are not financially stable. and i worked hard on keeping the relationship interesting and fun making sure we went to knew and exciting places whenever we could afford it. and everytime i asked if she wanted to go out and party she would say no and now I'm starting to realize that she wanted to party just not with me. man 5 1/2 years wasted...

 

Well, consider it money well spent. It saved you the cost of an eventual divorce, engagement ring, etc.

[goodguy1]

That's true. thank you for your responses. It's nice to get outside advice.

[Itwasntme]

So here's my story.

 

So my girlfriend and i got together when we were 16 years old over the course of 5 years we grew together so much. I followed her to college, helped her with classes, her job, taught her how to drive, tried to make everyday special and memorable for her. We had out fights but what couple doesn't? We would work out all of our problems and whenever we were mad at each other we'd do our own thing for a hour or two and end up back in each others arms and talk it out. I had to put up with all of stuff with her family as they were very strict when we first started dating and she had a lot of baggage but i was in love and worked through it eventually becoming a big part of her family and being the one person she could talk to about anything.

 

We started to talked about marriage but only being 20 when we initially started talking about it i shared that i was hesitant because we were both young, going to school and didn't have a place of our own as we were living in the dorms. I wanted us to be settled and ready for marriage and i felt we weren't just yet, even though i loved her more than life itself. We continued to grow as a couple, i gave her everything she could have ever asked for. Then it started getting weird and she felt like i was going to cheat on her with every girl at school and work but she was the only one i was ever interested in. I woke up everyday telling her how beautiful she was and how much i loved her and how she was the only one for me but i could tell she was still worried about me and i tried everyday to prove to her she was the only one i have ever wanted to be with.

 

We moved into our first apartment together and she felt bad that her friend didn't have a place to live and moved her in which sucked because we always had problems with her friend. The next thing i know her brother moves in and she quits her job and I'm left working two jobs to support us all while going to school and making time for her. I became super stressed which led to some arguments but nothing too big and i was always loving towards her but let her know how i truly felt about her brother mooching off of us for months and her friend leaving our place a mess. She agreed and we talked to both of them. After that everything seemed back to normal we were in love and happy, celebrated our 5 year anniversary in spectacular fashion and the summer came and it was time for her to go abroad for the summer as required by her major. I helped pay for the $6000 trip and we said our goodbyes at the airport. We held each other crying.

 

She told me she loved me and that i was the one and to wait for her and i said the same. Throughout the rest of the summer i visited her family constantly never letting her know what for as i was asking them for permission to propose to her when she returned to the country. They were ecstatic an even went as far as to help me plan how i would do it. One week after her birthday she broke up with me and never gave me a reason. She said she felt that we were moving too fast after 5 years which was odd to me. I assured her that when she sees me in person she'd feel differently. So when she came back to the country i went to her house so we could talk and i poured my heart and soul out to her. She was crying and said she loved me and that a guy i told her i didn't feel comfortable with her being around kissed her. She assured me it was an isolated incident but i knew she was hiding something and went through her iPad to discover that she had been cheating on me with said guy for a little over a month and that they were exchanging messages talking **** about me. I don't even know the guy so i don't know anything bad he could say about me.

 

I flipped out and she assured me that she regretted everything and that she loved me and wanted to be with me. I told her to give me a day to collect my thoughts. In that time she found out i was going to propose which crushed her. The next time i saw her i told her that i forgive her because i truly loved her and believed we could work it out. She agreed and asked me for a second chance to which i was too happy to oblige. The week seemed to go by like nothing happened we went on dates, she told me she loved me, wanted to marry me, and talked about our future children. I spent every night with her because she begged me too because she missed sleeping with me at night. Everything was going perfect, i took her and her brothers out, fixed her car, and bought her stuff for her trip back to school and then she left back for school without me as i had just graduated before she left abroad so i was focusing on getting a job in my field and working on getting us a house so that way she had a place besides for her parents to live when she graduates this year.

 

As soon as she gets to school she became distant hardly texting or calling me until one night i get a call saying that she's been depressed with me for the last 3 years of our relationship and that the entire last week together was fake and that she didn't love me. I then find out the next day that as soon as she got to school she got with the guy she cheated with and started a relationship yet again and has been introducing him to our mutual friends like i never existed... It sickens me because this guy is a drug dealer and everything she always said she despised in people.

 

How can someone be this cold hearted? Is this a phase she feel like she has too? Why did she leave a good thing for something she always hated? What do i do?

My friend I was once like you to a certain extent I didn't spend crazy amounts of money on my GFs like you but I too was a nice guy who was taken advantage of by my wife. But after reading "no more mr nice guy" and reading a few comments on here about how i was letting her pull her BS on me, I realized that being the nice guy means you will more then likely lose 90% of the time! because females even though they are always crying about how they need a nice guy or how great nice guys are! The truth of the fact is they don't actually want them or respect them, they take your niceness as a sign of weakness and run to the hills with it and that's exactly what your GF did.

 

She saw you as a weak person who she could easily get over with a few tears and nice words. Now I'm not saying to turn to a ******* but you need to start putting your foot down and I don't mean you just tell her how badly she hurt you or give her rules. Hell you shouldn't had said you forgave her that was your first mistake, what you should of did from the start was show her you wasn't playing and let her leave.

 

Trust me I understand the pain of loving someone so much you don't want to let her go but In your case you should of been 180 her. That way you would show her that she you may love her but you damn sure won't be taken advantage of and not afraid to let her go. You're in a better position then the other man if he's a drug dealer why not let her go and ruin her life? But I don't understand why you spent so much money on her? A wife maybe but a GF who isn't giving back equally to the relationship besides being there I just don't understand that.

Edited September 12, 2015 by Itwasntme

[malvern99]

In your pain and anger, I understand how hard it is to see the silver lining of the cloud. Truthfully though, you just dodged a huge bullet, and in time, you will be thankful. Imagine she had done this after you had been married for 20 years with children and a mortgage. You are still young enough to start fresh with someone who is all about you. When she comes crawling back asking for a chance, don't take the bait. She has pulled the mask off... believe who she is. About getting money back, don't bother.

[goodguy1]

I honestly have no idea why i spent so much money on her. I guess it was because i thought we legitimately had a future together and money never really mattered to me. I know thats foolish to say but money has ruined a lot of relationships within my family and yeah from now I'm its no more mr nice guy. She killed the nice guy when she put me through all this.

[Mr. Lucky]

I'm going to agree with her on a technicality - things did move too quickly. Without some comparative experience, how do you know she's the one? Other partners tend to bring a world view to a relationship for which there's little substitute.

 

Teenage sweethearts forever sounds great in a Hallmark card, harder to do so IRL. Keep your options open for a while, it's as much about finding out what you don't like as discovering what you do...

 

Mr. Lucky

[m.snow]

great your not married? time to move on.

 

learn what ever you can and better yourself as a person and a lover.

 

at least this early in your life you are no longer naive to the realities of a relationship.

most relationship even married ones dont stand the test of time.

[qubist]

goodguy1: you are a good guy, the way you treated her shows it, you are also a young guy too just graduated, focus on yourself and your future. you will be OK. you are already doing the right thing NC and doing it like pro too. you dogged a bullet when this happened right before you were ready to propose.

she is young too and immature, the other guy is a drug dealer which explains everything. it is sad but not the first time it happens we have seen it many times. like others said the money you spent on her and the emotions are a price for good lesson that I hope you learned.

be aware this is not over yet. she will be coming back trying to get beck to you I can almost guarantee it

[starpower]

Obviously you may not feel this way now, but count yourself lucky you decided not to get married all those years ago. Also when you found out the first time she cheated, seemed like you had forgiven her way to quick. Not good. Seemed like everything she did, was just swept under the carpet. Stick to the NC, focus on yourself and in time you will heal and move on for the better.

Edited September 12, 2015 by starpower

[Darren Steez]

 

How can someone be this cold hearted? Is this a phase she feel like she has too? Why did she leave a good thing for something she always hated? What do i do?

 

Ok, not to be harsh but why do you think it was a good thing? Maybe to you, but to her (and her not being a very honest person) she probably told you alot of stuff which you believed. And yes, he's a scum drug dealer and you're you, the nice guy why would she leave you? Answer is, because you are a nice guy and he's the bad boy.

 

Long term there is no future there. And yes she is cold hearted and callous, but best you know the type of person she truly is, rather down the road when you've gotten married and had kids.

 

Lose her number and start dating again. Go and have fun, more women out there buddy, and while it may suck to be done like this, know you didn't do anything to deserve this.

 

Think of it like this..imagine she cheats on this dude, I doubt he'll be as nice to her as you have been, only then will she see what she lost.

[road]

You see pain I see joy for better to find out now before you married your GF, bought a house, had kids, then found out.

 

 

If the OM dumps her do not take her back for I have seen too many BH's marry their GF that cheated on them only to now have her cheat on them after they got married.

[qubist]

You see pain I see joy for better to find out now before you married your GF, bought a house, had kids, then found out.

 

 

If the OM dumps her do not take her back for I have seen too many BH's marry their GF that cheated on them only to now have her cheat on them after they got married.

we have seen it many time you better believe she would be coming back chasing him. either Om will dump her or she would just get fed up with her immature life. who knows what's in her mind right now she could be adrig addict and the OM got her where he want her.

one way or another she is coming back, would it be too late?? only the OP will decide then

[Marc878]

You have no idea how lucky you are.

 

Stay as far away from her as you can get.

 

You just dodged a huge bullet.

 

Congrats!!!!!

[irishguy]

She was using you for all the nice things you were buying her,so you can see if she does come back it will be so she can use you again .You deserve so much better than her .

[Just a Guy]

Hi Nice guy, As others have said you are lucky to have dodged a bullet. In later years you will thank your lucky stars. Use your experience with your ex GF as a guide in helping you decide on your next one! Good riddance to bad rubbish!

[fellini]

First of all, take that phrase, "she left you because you were a good guy and girls prefer bad boys" and stick it on the shelf with all the other pop psychology mumble jumble that passes itself off as deep insight into human behaviour.

 

People who love each e other truly, madly, deeply do not do so for the 1000s of things and 1000s of dollas you lavish upon them. They do it for connection, real connection.

 

Find a woman who really connects with you and you with her and don't try to make things more real by becoming her love slave. Give and receive equally. Build a relationship, not a personal gratification machine.

[goodguy1]

First of all, take that phrase, "she left you because you were a good guy and girls prefer bad boys" and stick it on the shelf with all the other pop psychology mumble jumble that passes itself off as deep insight into human behaviour.

 

People who love each e other truly, madly, deeply do not do so for the 1000s of things and 1000s of dollas you lavish upon them. They do it for connection, real connection.

 

Find a woman who really connects with you and you with her and don't try to make things more real by becoming her love slave. Give and receive equally. Build a relationship, not a personal gratification machine.

 

I don't remember me saying anything about girls preferring bad boys and for me maybe not for her i had a connection with her. it wasn't through buying stuff it was through moments alone together and the talks we had. i knew everything about this, what made her laugh, smile, sad, happy, excited, etc. I never intended to become a slave and at the moment i was completely blind to it. I knew the family she came from treated her like a slave so i did my best to ensure she did not feel the same way with me, so i supported her and helped around the house etc. I was by far the perfect boyfriend but i was nowhere near a bad boyfriend.

[fellini]

If you read my post again, you will see I was advising you not to listen to those responses which suggested you should stop being a "nice guy" because women don't like them. It comes from a group of men around here and in society in general who think that women prefer the "bad boy". Just think how stupid the phrase "No more Mr. Nice Guy" sounds! Like we need to live with that rule in our heads? No thanks.

 

The thing is you have to ask yourself if your DEDICATION to her was RECIPROCATED. Not what have you done to keep her, but what gifts has she brought into the relationship.

 

From what you said about her insecurities I don't know why you think she had a good solid connection with you, but rather, she was insecure about your being out there in the world and that you might stray on her. This is not a gift of love, this is a person with issues. And one of the ways that people who live in constant fear that their lovers will leave them, is to themselves cheat, because they live with this idea for so long it takes on it's own reality. Ironically they cheat to protect themselves. My own WW said to me, as an excuse to her infidelity: "I didn't think you even liked me".

 

So she found someone who she knew did? Now she wants me back? I'm supposed to like her MORE after she cheats than BEFORE when she was monogamous?

 

There is no logic. Don't look for it.

 

I don't remember me saying anything about girls preferring bad boys and for me maybe not for her i had a connection with her. it wasn't through buying stuff it was through moments alone together and the talks we had. i knew everything about this, what made her laugh, smile, sad, happy, excited, etc. I never intended to become a slave and at the moment i was completely blind to it. I knew the family she came from treated her like a slave so i did my best to ensure she did not feel the same way with me, so i supported her and helped around the house etc. I was by far the perfect boyfriend but i was nowhere near a bad boyfriend.

Edited September 13, 2015 by fellini

[happyman64]

Goodguy

 

 

Fellini gave you something to think about.

 

 

Most of her nonsense makes no sense. Guess what? To you it never will.

 

 

You guys were too young and your exgf was too immature to be faithful let alone honest with you.

 

 

I had the very same thing happen to me years ago. Except my exfiance was banging my best buddies while they were "looking" out for her.....

 

 

So take my advice.

 

 

Chalk this up as a learning experience. A relationship is 50/50. You gave 110%, Be glad you found out now what she is truly like and you were not married with kids......

 

 

And do yourself a favor. Never talk to her again. Never be friends with her again. She lost that chance by her crappy actions.

 

 

Your future is in front of you. Start moving forward now.

 

 

HM

[goodguy1]

If you read my post again, you will see I was advising you not to listen to those responses which suggested you should stop being a "nice guy" because women don't like them. It comes from a group of men around here and in society in general who think that women prefer the "bad boy". Just think how stupid the phrase "No more Mr. Nice Guy" sounds! Like we need to live with that rule in our heads? No thanks.

 

The thing is you have to ask yourself if your DEDICATION to her was RECIPROCATED. Not what have you done to keep her, but what gifts has she brought into the relationship.

 

From what you said about her insecurities I don't know why you think she had a good solid connection with you, but rather, she was insecure about your being out there in the world and that you might stray on her. This is not a gift of love, this is a person with issues. And one of the ways that people who live in constant fear that their lovers will leave them, is to themselves cheat, because they live with this idea for so long it takes on it's own reality. Ironically they cheat to protect themselves. My own WW said to me, as an excuse to her infidelity: "I didn't think you even liked me".

 

So she found someone who she knew did? Now she wants me back? I'm supposed to like her MORE after she cheats than BEFORE when she was monogamous?

 

There is no logic. Don't look for it.

 

I apologize if it seemed i got defensive i just misinterpreted your original post. but i complete understand what your saying now.