Ex is with someone else after acting like he wanted me

[laurbee]

Hi everyone, I know if you happen to read my past posts you'll see I did well with NC after my ex broke up with me. Well, the story got longer and more complicated. Please bear with me, as this is pretty long. Any kind words you all might have to offer could really help me. I feel very, very broken right now and am not responding to tough love very well, even if that's what some feel I need.

 

Our relationship: He and I didn't date for long, but we were very serious about each other. It was one of those things of "when you know, you know." We both felt we were "the one" for each other, and we were very happy. Well, we broke up for various reasons, but after we got back into contact he explained his reasons and I showed him how all of them were flawed or had been fixed. Throughout the month of July, we saw each other in several group settings and once one on one. We flirted, sexted, talked about what went wrong in the breakup without placing blame, apologized for those wrongdoings, talked about what it would be like if we were still together. We would talk until we went to bed late at night. When we went out one on one at the end of July, we ended up kissing and making out. Literally throughout the whole month everything felt right. No mixed signals.

 

Then trouble happened at the beginning of August. 2 days after he and I went out one on one, this girl from his hometown moved here for a job. This girl has been talking to him since Easter. Why is this important? Well, this girl had a boyfriend who conveniently enough shared the same name as my guy. Let's say they're both named Nathan. Well her Nathan died in a car crash around Easter. And ever since then she has used my Nathan as an outlet for comfort. All of this was while we were still dating. My Nathan even said at one point, "I feel like when she sees my name on her phone, it's him she's talking to and not me."

 

So after she moved here, remember 2 days after he and I went out, he became more scarce. I'm not trying to make excuses for him, but just to put things into perspective, my Nathan currently is dealing with the following: new allergy to gluten, learned he needs meds for anxiety, learned he will need rotator cuff surgery at some point, is in his last year of his MBA, works full time as a risk analyst, and is studying for the CFA which requires 300 hours of studying.

 

A week after she moved here, I broached the topic of conversation with him to finally define what we were doing. Remember, all his actions indicated he wanted to get back together. Well, he decides to tell me he has too much going on and wants to focus on him. Didn't have time for any relationship whatsoever, and that I deserved someone who could give me the attention I deserve. Given everything I just said he had going on, I respected that. Because I trusted him, and I didn't think he was lying to me. Seemed pretty valid, all things considering. He clearly isn't too stupid to get involved with this other girl, right?

 

Wrong. Ever since our relationship conversation, I've gotten maybe one text a week from him, and when I respond he never responded back. On Wednesday he sends me a text and all it says is, "I'm sorry." I asked him what it was about, and again no response. So I decided to do a little digging. And while I don't have concrete proof, I am almost positive (as is one of his best friends) that he is now with this girl due to a very coupley photo as her Facebook profile picture (the second one of them together) and a comment from his mom that it's "such a great picture" with a red heart emoji, as well as bits of information that his friend knows.

 

His friend told me that he started telling him and the rest of the friend group about the girl's situation a while ago, and all of his friends told him, "Dude you're getting used, you gotta be careful, you're gonna go from a shoulder to cry on to lips to kiss on, this won't be healthy, you'll never know if she sees you Nathan or dead Nathan, you're always gonna be her second choice to her boyfriend since y'all have the same name and you're the first she's getting with right after it happened" and every time he always said "Nah we're just friends, it's not like that, I know what I'm gonna do."

 

I feel incredibly broken, stupid, led on, lied to, and so many other things. I'm completely miserable, can barely eat, can't even say this girl's name without feeling so disgusted. The friend of his that I have been talking to and another of his friends were around my guy one night when we were still in a relationship. That night, my guy poured his heart out to them and told them how happy he was, how he thought I could be the one. Later when he told me it happened he said to me, "I know you understand that I love you, but at the same time you just don't get it." Both of these friends that he opened up to have lost respect for him, and were 100% team laurbee if you will.

 

I sent him a long text spelling everything out: how I'd have picked him over any other guy in the world, how I'd have done anything to help make his life easier while he was dealing with all his bs, how I was so naive because I had offered to be this girl's friend and take her to brunch and introduce her to people. I told him how it had never been over for me, and that I was still in love with him and how my stupid heart still wanted him and knew that the good in him outweighed the bad. I told him how he would have never had to doubt he was my first choice. I told him how I'd been miserable since he decided I "deserved better." But I also told him that what I did deserve was my happy ending, and I had wanted one with him. I told him I didn't deserve the breadcrumbs of texts he would send these last few weeks, keeping me as Option B. And finally, I told him that until he can wake up and realize what everyone else has, that I've been right in front of him all this time, to not contact me.

 

I feel like vomitting every time I think of the two of them together. To me none of this makes sense. The only way it does is if what we had wasn't real, that he lied to me the whole time, and that's how he could do this to me. It would be so much easier to say that because then I could pick myself up. But y'all, I was there, and I saw his eyes and his face every time he would tell me he loved me, and I know it was real. I don't understand how you can go from giving me all the indications you want me too, to just tossing me away. It seems he chose a girl with so much emotional baggage, who he knows will never truly heal from what she's been through, over me, someone who chose him and would do anything she could to make sure he wasn't hurt and was happy. I don't understand how someone can be presented with happiness on a silver platter and just turn away. And dear god, I wish I could just put it from my mind and move on. But as anyone who has been in love and "found the one" knows, those feelings don't just die. Please, any kind words y'all can spare are much needed.

Edited September 12, 2015 by laurbee

[Raena]

Right now I don't know what else to say other than (((hugs))) I'm sorry you are going through this. It's hard when you really love someone and they choose someone else over you.

 

The only thing that stands out to me is that if you are ready willing and able to do anything for him and he knows that, then you've taken the thrill of the chase out of it for him. He knows you'll be sitting there waiting for him so it's not a challenge.

[laurbee]

Thank you, Raena. I've tried searching for similar situations online, but I guess no one has experienced "ex boyfriend now dates a girl who's previous boyfriend died... and both guys have the same name!"

 

You bring up a good point, but I also sincerely doubt he thinks I'm waiting around for him. While I did confess in the text that I am in love with him, would have chosen him over anyone, and would have done what I could to make his life easier while he was going through all his stress with work, school, CFA, etc, I also made it perfectly clear that he has hurt me very deeply and told him to not contact me until he wakes up and realizes his mistake. He knows me very well; I have a very high tolerance for people's BS. He knows that for me to cut him off, I had to be very much done with the current situation. Currently his closest friend and I are pretty confident he's depressed.

 

I feel like I've been dumped into a real life soap opera. When I've told people this situation, the look on their faces is typically:

[EO422]

Exs are so so cold...it's ridiculous...the things they do to us...the payback we want, it couldn't be any tastier to get payback on them....exs are STUPID....DO NOT look at ANYMORE of his social media...I did that last week..bad idea...I AM DONE FOR GOOD NOW..idk if she is seeing anyone else, she probably is but I don't give a crap! I am not gunna sit there and look at there social media and them having fun when I(and you) could be out having fun ourselves!! THEY think you are looking at there social media, making it hurt you and they know you are doing it..it makes them secretly feel good inside..BUT DONT LOOK..because in the end they are the one fooling themselves thinking they have us on a string, when really we aren't checking in or caring about there life. We are moving on!!! And when they come back because they think they have us as option b and kept us on a string they will be TOTALLY STUMPED AND HURT...viola...the ultimate payback!

 

Remove him from your life! Move on! It was easier! It's getting easier for me! Soon places/objects will become numb to you and they won't remind you of him!! Then you will be able to go and enjoy life !!

[laurbee]

So, a bit of an update on my situation. This past Saturday he texted me at about 6pm: "Hey laurbee.. I know you hate me. I hope you stayed dry." (I guess that was in reference to the rain we were getting from a hurricane at the time?) Anyway, I didn't respond, nor do I plan to. We hadn't spoken since I initiated NC after sending him that text on 9/10, and there was no apology in that text he sent me anyway. Basically, anything less than an "I want to get back together, let's talk" text, I will not be responding. Like... really? What part of "until you wake up... do not contact me" does he not get?

 

I haven't closed the door on him, but I know if we were to begin another relationship that we would really have to work. I would have to forgive, and he would have to work on himself. I'm not to the point where I wouldn't use this as "ammo" to hurt him yet, and I need to be. Also, I don't think him saying "You can do so much better than me" was him feeding me BS, because this was something he said during an anxiety attack. I genuinely think he feels horrible for his actions, but at the same time clearly not that bad since I'm pretty sure he's still with her.

 

Regardless, I need my distance for healing and forgiving. And I think the text he sent me was a combination of his anxiety getting to him (genuinely thinking I hate him, which I don't) as well as fishing for an "I don't hate you" text. He's not getting that from me, no matter how true it is.

[ebony29]

Hi everyone, I know if you happen to read my past posts you'll see I did well with NC after my ex broke up with me. Well, the story got longer and more complicated. Please bear with me, as this is pretty long. Any kind words you all might have to offer could really help me. I feel very, very broken right now and am not responding to tough love very well, even if that's what some feel I need.

 

Our relationship: He and I didn't date for long, but we were very serious about each other. It was one of those things of "when you know, you know." We both felt we were "the one" for each other, and we were very happy. Well, we broke up for various reasons, but after we got back into contact he explained his reasons and I showed him how all of them were flawed or had been fixed. Throughout the month of July, we saw each other in several group settings and once one on one. We flirted, sexted, talked about what went wrong in the breakup without placing blame, apologized for those wrongdoings, talked about what it would be like if we were still together. We would talk until we went to bed late at night. When we went out one on one at the end of July, we ended up kissing and making out. Literally throughout the whole month everything felt right. No mixed signals.

 

Then trouble happened at the beginning of August. 2 days after he and I went out one on one, this girl from his hometown moved here for a job. This girl has been talking to him since Easter. Why is this important? Well, this girl had a boyfriend who conveniently enough shared the same name as my guy. Let's say they're both named Nathan. Well her Nathan died in a car crash around Easter. And ever since then she has used my Nathan as an outlet for comfort. All of this was while we were still dating. My Nathan even said at one point, "I feel like when she sees my name on her phone, it's him she's talking to and not me."

 

So after she moved here, remember 2 days after he and I went out, he became more scarce. I'm not trying to make excuses for him, but just to put things into perspective, my Nathan currently is dealing with the following: new allergy to gluten, learned he needs meds for anxiety, learned he will need rotator cuff surgery at some point, is in his last year of his MBA, works full time as a risk analyst, and is studying for the CFA which requires 300 hours of studying.

 

A week after she moved here, I broached the topic of conversation with him to finally define what we were doing. Remember, all his actions indicated he wanted to get back together. Well, he decides to tell me he has too much going on and wants to focus on him. Didn't have time for any relationship whatsoever, and that I deserved someone who could give me the attention I deserve. Given everything I just said he had going on, I respected that. Because I trusted him, and I didn't think he was lying to me. Seemed pretty valid, all things considering. He clearly isn't too stupid to get involved with this other girl, right?

 

Wrong. Ever since our relationship conversation, I've gotten maybe one text a week from him, and when I respond he never responded back. On Wednesday he sends me a text and all it says is, "I'm sorry." I asked him what it was about, and again no response. So I decided to do a little digging. And while I don't have concrete proof, I am almost positive (as is one of his best friends) that he is now with this girl due to a very coupley photo as her Facebook profile picture (the second one of them together) and a comment from his mom that it's "such a great picture" with a red heart emoji, as well as bits of information that his friend knows.

 

His friend told me that he started telling him and the rest of the friend group about the girl's situation a while ago, and all of his friends told him, "Dude you're getting used, you gotta be careful, you're gonna go from a shoulder to cry on to lips to kiss on, this won't be healthy, you'll never know if she sees you Nathan or dead Nathan, you're always gonna be her second choice to her boyfriend since y'all have the same name and you're the first she's getting with right after it happened" and every time he always said "Nah we're just friends, it's not like that, I know what I'm gonna do."

 

I feel incredibly broken, stupid, led on, lied to, and so many other things. I'm completely miserable, can barely eat, can't even say this girl's name without feeling so disgusted. The friend of his that I have been talking to and another of his friends were around my guy one night when we were still in a relationship. That night, my guy poured his heart out to them and told them how happy he was, how he thought I could be the one. Later when he told me it happened he said to me, "I know you understand that I love you, but at the same time you just don't get it." Both of these friends that he opened up to have lost respect for him, and were 100% team laurbee if you will.

 

I sent him a long text spelling everything out: how I'd have picked him over any other guy in the world, how I'd have done anything to help make his life easier while he was dealing with all his bs, how I was so naive because I had offered to be this girl's friend and take her to brunch and introduce her to people. I told him how it had never been over for me, and that I was still in love with him and how my stupid heart still wanted him and knew that the good in him outweighed the bad. I told him how he would have never had to doubt he was my first choice. I told him how I'd been miserable since he decided I "deserved better." But I also told him that what I did deserve was my happy ending, and I had wanted one with him. I told him I didn't deserve the breadcrumbs of texts he would send these last few weeks, keeping me as Option B. And finally, I told him that until he can wake up and realize what everyone else has, that I've been right in front of him all this time, to not contact me.

 

I feel like vomitting every time I think of the two of them together. To me none of this makes sense. The only way it does is if what we had wasn't real, that he lied to me the whole time, and that's how he could do this to me. It would be so much easier to say that because then I could pick myself up. But y'all, I was there, and I saw his eyes and his face every time he would tell me he loved me, and I know it was real. I don't understand how you can go from giving me all the indications you want me too, to just tossing me away. It seems he chose a girl with so much emotional baggage, who he knows will never truly heal from what she's been through, over me, someone who chose him and would do anything she could to make sure he wasn't hurt and was happy. I don't understand how someone can be presented with happiness on a silver platter and just turn away. And dear god, I wish I could just put it from my mind and move on. But as anyone who has been in love and "found the one" knows, those feelings don't just die. Please, any kind words y'all can spare are much needed.

 

My heart breaks for you. The pain you must be going through is unthinkable. You sound amazing! Your heart and love deserves a man who can commit to you and only you! You will find it because amazing people like always find it! You just need to go through some pain now so that when you meet this special man who will love you back and make you his life, you will be ready for him!

[laurbee]

That's very sweet of you, ebony29, but I don't feel very amazing. I mean, when a guy who said he was in love with you and that you were the one goes and chooses a girl who's dead boyfriend had the same name as him... it doesn't exactly boost your self-esteem, you know? It's like I must have seriously turned him off to where he didn't want to be with me. He chose a life of insecurity with her, never knowing if she means him or sees him, when he wouldn't have had to wonder about any of that with me. I just hope I can somehow heal from this, because there are days where the wounds still feel as fresh as the day they happened.

 

I was so, so tempted to send him a text giving him a real piece of my mind, but I didn't. Right now, I was the wronged party. If I send him such a text, no matter how much he might deserve to be cut down a peg or twenty, I become someone who is in the wrong as well. Besides, no good could come from such actions. So I just typed them up on my computer as an unsent letter. Been writing a lot of those lately. They're sometimes therapeutic.

 

This story belongs in a soap opera, for goodness sake. People barely believe me when I tell them. Trust me, I so wish I was trolling with this bs.

Edited October 9, 2015 by laurbee