I can't go on like this

[BC1980]

Tux, I agree with immediate NC as everyone has suggested. But it's also how you spend NC that is very important. If you continue to swim around in negative thoughts and spend your time isolated, NC won't help much. You need to invest in reinventing yourself. Try to find a new hobby or pick up an old one. Do you like to exercise? I found it helpful to exercise regularly because it helped me keep a schedule.

 

Also, do you have any type of support group? Family or friends? It sounds like you need some support right now.

[Blanco]

NC sucks, but it is really the most prescribed cure for a reason.

 

Something that has helped me a bit is identifying when NC bothers me the most. For instance, I don't have much problem with it during the day, when I'm doing stuff such as working, weight training, reading, etc. At night, however, I start to feel isolated. I know that the new guy is at my ex's place most nights, so my isolation only feels heightened by that. And now that fall is coming, the days are shorter and that nighttime feeling is extended.

 

So I've resolved to stay busy and mostly OUT of the apartment in the evening until I'm ready for bed. I'm fortunate in that starting this week, I have something feasible to do each night and these are things I'll be able to do pretty much every week in the coming months. Sure, I'll still be thinking about it, but not as much and I'll be surrounded by friends and other people.

[bluefeather]

tuxedo cat sounds very interesting to me. (not that I am looking just honestly saying, if I was) I am curious, have you considered dating again yet?

[Reels]

Thanks. Can you explain the first rule?

Be critical, point out and think about the faults he had, just like you would if it was somebody else.

[Felicite]

I’m sorry you’re going through this Tuxedocat. It pains me to hear about people that are stuck in such a bad rut. It seems that you are going around in circles and torturing yourself with no end with this guy. 3 years is a long time, and it will only get worse.

 

You should close this chapter once and for all.

 

Although it may not be the best way to deal with it, I would suggest either that you talk to the guy, tell him that you have feelings for him but you re interested only in healthy relationships, and after you ‘ve got it off your chest, turn the page, go NC for good and move on with your life.

Maybe speaking the truth and facing the dragon will make you see how pointless all this is, and how sickening it is for your life. Furthermore, you will not regret later on in your life thinking “what if”.

 

Either like other people suggested, the other solution is to go fullblown NC, which you will have to do, with a therapist you trust, and actions of your own (finding hobbies that you absolutely love, focusing on yourself and starting to date again etc). You will have to summon all your willpower for that.

 

Both ways have worked for me in the past.

 

I also was in love with a psycho-behaving ex almost 2 years after we broke up. He came back after 2 years, didn’t want a relationship (just to see each other in secret), and after struggling to not get in to that, I told him exactly how I felt and sent him to hell. He then found a lame*** girl that basically behaved like his groupie and parroted what he said, and spent the next 2 years negging me, because I hadn't done what he wanted. I’ve been relieved ever since, I find him ridiculous and basically his value as a person, has dropped beyond what I ever imagined.

Edited September 14, 2015 by Felicite

[Emma1a]

Here is what you have to do now.

 

# Be critical to him.

# Learn to live without him.

# Discover the things that you enjoyed before him.

 

Indeed, it is very hard but you will have to try. I tried and it works.

 

Hi Reels,

 

You said you tried and it works - what was your situation? I didn't find your old story. Also, how long did it take you for it to work.

 

Please read my stories and process and give me some insight, thank you!

 

Emma