If you get one chance to get someone back

[majorthird]

My girlfriend broke up after 5 great months. No warning, no real solid reasons, it was all kinda vague and i had the very strong idea that she wasn't really convinced that she was doing the right thing, but on the other hand i didn't really have a good shot at convincing her that it was a wrong decision to break up (i mean... what happened to working things out?! I think she hardly concidered the possibility, she's quite young and it's all kinda new to her). Either she doesn't like me enough anymore (in which case i want to hear it bluntly and i'll back off), or we _really_ should be together.

 

Either i'm really stupid and keeping false hope, but i just _have_ to fight before i can let it go just like that. First because if this is really the end, i want to know i've tried, and second because i had the idea she wasn't really sure and third of all, because i truly believe that there's much more joy for us to reap, we're a good combination. I know she knows! Hell, everybody knows! :-/

 

So... i told her "i can't really say much sensible right now, but i think in the upcoming days i am going to feel the urge to talk some more, and i really hope you can be clearer than about your feelings and why you want to quit". She said that maybe she would feel the urge to talk too and we both said to each other we should call if we wanted to.

 

Bottom line: I really need to try to convince her, and i am afraid i have one chance. I have no idea if it's a good chance, maybe it's all impossible anyway, but until i know that for sure, i have to go for it. I don't want to screw up, so every advice at this point would be of great value to me.

 

How long do i wait before i talk to her? Should i text her? My place or her place, maybe dinner somewhere?! It feels like every choice is a potential mistake and i can't afford those! :-/

 

BTW: Thanks everybody, i read a lot on this forum. Some gives me hope, some makes me wanna move on, some is just fun to read. Got me through another ****ty day!

[westernxer]

You can't convince her of anything, and you'd be stupid to think you can. She won't be blunt because she's afraid of hurting your feelings. Girls are like that... they're afraid of being mean, so they give hints.

 

If you've been reading LoveShack, then you've probably heard of No Contact. Start today... no phone calls, no e-mails, no text messages, and definitely no personal visits.

 

Don't delude yourself. If a girl likes you, she'll show you. If she's making you guess, then forget about it.

 

The only way you can screw up is if you keep contacting her, or letting her contact you.

 

She dumped you, so start dating other girls. She'll be threatened by it, that's for sure.

[alphamale]

Originally posted by westernxer

You can't convince her of anything, and you'd be stupid to think you can. She won't be blunt because she's afraid of hurting your feelings. Girls are like that... they're afraid of being mean, so they give hints.

 

If you've been reading LoveShack, then you've probably heard of No Contact. Start today... no phone calls, no e-mails, no text messages, and definitely no personal visits.

 

Don't delude yourself. If a girl likes you, she'll show you. If she's making you guess, then forget about it.

 

The only way you can screw up is if you keep contacting her, or letting her contact you.

 

She dumped you, so start dating other girls. She'll be threatened by it, that's for sure.

yup...that is what i'd say too. i'll add to it don't be friends also and during strict radio silence (NC) make sure she contact u first otherwise you are up the river without a paddle AND a hole in the boat.

[majorthird]

I hate you both!!!! ;->

 

No seriously, thanks a lot... i don't wanna hear, but i'll listen anyway. (-:

 

4 good friends of mine told me that one of their best relationships 've been on "broken up" for some time, and from some of them i've never known this. And i keep thinking: if it is indeed possible, than our story _must_ qualify for this. And maybe not, but i must try, it's not like i'm betting money on a percentage and calculate the odds of getting out of it better or worse; i'm gambling with some pride and effort on fixing something that shouldn't even be broken in the first place.

 

I don't have the feeling that the battle's been fought. She wasn't convinced... She told herself not to give in to her doubt on the very evening of the real "break-up", but if it wasn't for that, i could have... well... maybe you're right and maybe "convincing" isn't the word, but well... you know... "opened her eyes". (-:

 

I know i sound stubborn, but as for now i really _feel_ stubborn, and i'm very thankfull that i can be stubborn here and hear your guys opinion instead of ****ing up things with her for real...

 

My head is full with theories on why she broke up. If it really was because it all didn't make her happy anymore and she truly believes that it won't make her happy in the future either (both are hard to believe for me, but like you said: girls can be like that), she'll need to find a way to make it clear to me, but as for now i'm really tempted to believe that either she's... kinda talked into it by her parents because they're worried about her school, or she's insecure about our relationship and is afraid to talk about it and rather just avoids the confrontation etcetera etcetera.

 

She said she hoped we could be friends (urgghghh), but i told her that i wanted to talk to her maybe a few more times to get things clear but if we're really through, i hardly can imagine we could be friends that easily. I really believe that i need that one or two talks with her, not just to 'convince her and win her back', but in the worst case just to give me some peace of mind. If i back off now, i'll never forgive myself that i never tried. Altough i am slightly getting used to the idea of being single again and her being part of my past, i truly believe that it's a waste if it ends like this.

 

Oh, to be honest, i'm really afraid of what i'd think myself if i read this back in 6 months...

[westernxer]

I think you're wasting your time if you choose to proceed with your original plan of action.

 

What do you mean by "a few more times?" You planning to sell her a vacuum or something? I think you should start by removing the one that's between your ears. That way you won't have to dwell on your so-called theories.

 

There's nothing theoretical about it. Think National Geographic, not Stephen Hawking. It's very simple, this game of love. Mostly impulse, no thought required (or very little). You think you can rationalize your way into her heart, but she's already escaped your line of sight.

 

But go ahead, be stubborn.

 

I wish I wasn't under the weather this weekend... I'd have a much better time doing something I like instead of trying to reason with people fighting a battle they can't win.

[majorthird]

I'll keep you posted. Feel better soon, man.

[eastern_mystique]

I really do feel for you - but the best thing you can do is NC.

 

My b/f broke up with me after 3 great months together.

 

No warning, no real solid reasons, it was all kinda vague

 

It was like that for me as well. Also:

 

i didn't really have a good shot at convincing her that it was a wrong decision to break up

 

Yep, same here. I was in such a state of shock when he broke up with me that I couldn't say anything at the time.

 

He is also young, and we were also a "really good combination" together.

 

I tried the whole winning-him-back thing; we stayed close friends for a couple of months after the break-up and a couple of times I approached the idea of us getting back together - after thinking hard about it both times, he knocked me back saying that it wouldn't feel right for us to get back together now, but maybe - perhaps - one day in the future it would be.

 

Now I've gone completely NC on him - it's been 1 week and 2 days. He knows about it so he hasn't tried to contact me, which is a relief. I've done this because I realised 2 things:

 

1.) He won't want me back as long as I continue to be his friend/ puppet on a string/ emotional support. Only by cutting him off completely will he truly realise what I mean to him, and if he wants to have me in his life in some capacity. Completely disappearing on him for a couple of months (which is strange considering we had regular contact all the time) will make him evaluate what he wants. People like rarity - things automatically increase in value when they're difficult to get a hold of. Plus our stupid "friendship" was suffocating me and I wanted space.

 

2.) They've broken up with YOU so no amount of verbal convincing is going to make them want you back. They will always view it as you telling them that they were wrong about breaking up with you - and perhaps they were - but that's not the point. People get defensive when they're told that they are "wrong" and that makes them resist you even more. Believe me, I've learnt this the hard way. If they want back with you, it has to come from them, and the only way that can happen is if you give them time and space to reach this decision themselves. Persuading them WON'T WORK.

 

None of the above guarantees that you'll get your ex back, but it increases your chances more than if you're constantly in their face. In the meantime carry on living your life - it is hard, but you have your responsibilities to yourself as well as other people. Do no contact and wait and see what happens. You can use your "guns blazing" approach by all means, but I doubt very much you will achieve the desired results - I certainly didn't, and I could have saved myself all that trouble if I had just done no contact from the start.

 

Good luck - I'm sure it'll all work out somehow.

[majorthird]

Funny. Do you all see that you're giving me advice, but not at all the advice i asked for. And no, i don't mean that i don't want to hear it because i don't like it, i mean: i could have started a topic: "Should i try to get her back, yes or no?" couldn't i?

 

I _will_ back off, even break contact completely if she indicates that it's helpless.

 

I'm not devestated anymore right now. I feel a lot stronger, there's light at the end of the tunnel, and i've had some very good times in the past few days. But i would always think back with the feeling it went too easy, that it's a waste for it to end like this. I do not intend to stalk her for months, moaning that i want her back, not even once, but i am determined to go over things, figure the best way to talk to her and ease her mind about us, and get things clear either for her, or for me, or maybe for the both of us. That's what i ask advice on.

 

I think i could have persuaded her the moment she started it, if she wouldn't have promised herself to not listen to her feelings at forehand. All i was asking is advice in getting more leverage, tips on how to prevent her from getting defensive... whatever!

 

But maybe it's naive of me to ask advice for winning someone back in a place where No Contact gets abbriviated to NC and lived by as if it is a golden rule.

[westernxer]

Originally posted by majorthird

Funny. Do you all see that you're giving me advice, but not at all the advice i asked for.

 

Is that our fault?

 

Be careful what you ask for... you might get it.

 

All i was asking is advice in getting more leverage, tips on how to prevent her from getting defensive... whatever!

 

Nothing you can do about that... if she gets defensive that's her problem.

 

But maybe it's naive of me to ask advice for winning someone back in a place where No Contact gets abbriviated to NC and lived by as if it is a golden rule.

 

Wanna know why? Because it works. No one's saying you have to listen, but don't get too cocky on us.

 

You're the one crying for help. Not us.

 

Take it with a grain of salt, buddy. Sometimes what you don't want to hear is exactly what you need to hear.

[Merin]

Originally posted by westernxer

Sometimes what you don't want to hear is exactly what you need to hear.

 

So True.

[RecordProducer]

You were asking about how to get her back and when you heard that you should NOT, you just accepted it?

I am sorry but I can't help but think that you don't care enough about this girl. You don't even know why she broke up. It might be because she wants to get something from you. Like an engagement ring.

If she broke up and you simply accepted it, it means you don't really love her. Make sure she knows you are in love with her and would like to know the reasons for the break-up and perhaps try again if she would be okay with that. You're the guy, you should chase after her!

It doesn't matter how you approach her and where. Just call her, ask her to meet you and talk openly about your feelings. Tell her you love her and be sweet and loving. You must know why she broke up. Tell her that you will accept the reality if she has met someone else, that it happens, and such is life. You need to know the truth.

[majorthird]

First of all: NOOWWH!! :-) Ofcourse i didn't back off because people here told me on this forum that breaking off all contact is "the only thing that will make anyone feel better in any case". Besides, obviously i've also been talking to a lot of my friends. So far 6 (!!) people told me about a long relationship that once was broken up and then got back together. Some of them i never knew about the break-up, some of them turned out to be a second chance for the same mistake again, some had a few great months and broke up again for different reasons, some of them are still happily together. A friend told me that if it wasn't for that break-up and reconcilliation, they'd never be as close as they're now. Ain't that sweet?! ;->

 

Today 's exactly a week ago she broke up. I roughly guessed that a week would be about a good time to get in touch again, and i just texted her. I don't want to have a heavy conversation at either my place or her place, but it's also not very natural to 'go out and do something fun' together, and we're also not 'just friends', so... well, i kinda leave that up to her unless i get a perfect idea. :-)

 

Thanks a lot for your post. And thanks for actually _reading_ what i wrote. Actually, i didn't even ask how to get her back, but how to best _try_ to get her back. I'm going to keep your words in mind! I'll keep you posted, there's more to say about this subject, whatever the outcome is going to be.