Boyfriend spending less & less time with me - I've suggested having some space

[Char12]

Hello everybody,

 

I'll try and keep this as short as possible. My boyfriend and I have been together 2 years. We both live in the same area at home but we were at University when we began seeing each other so would take it in turns seeing each other in different cities. He chose to drop out, I didn't. He then got a full time job and would spend train fair to see me at my flat practically every night including weekends, we were basically living together for over a year. I would often go home and we'd see each other there too.

 

During this time we'd regularly go out and explore the city, he'd watch some football matches and still see friends and play football some Sundays. I'd often be doing my uni work and going out with my flatmates. Bottom line is that it all felt balanced and natural. I felt valued and happy and so lucky to have him. I thought this is what relationships are supposed to feel like as it all happened so organically and I let him know how much I appreciated him.

 

I left Uni about 4 months ago now. Our routine now fell into a routine of seeing each other Wednesdays and weekends at home and I thought everything was fine until lately I've noticed signs he'd gradually started taking me forgranted. For example, he won't made plans in advance anymore. On our nights he'll go to friends before he sees me and text me when he got home to come over. We won't go out- just sit in his room. Time's we have gone out have been my idea and almost forced.. he has no ideas ever.

 

I didn't notice I was being taken forgranted until 3 weeks ago when it started going downhill fast. It was a bank holiday weekend and football/soccer season started. I went to his like usual. Saturday night we watched Match of the Day. Sunday he watched football at the pub with his mates. Monday he went watching a live game with his friends. This means we can't have a day out at the weekend because he has to be back for football. I let him know I was upset and he needed to balance things as I was started to feel neglected. He said it was a one off week and that I can stay and watch if I want or come up after matches in the evening (which I don't do because it makes me feel stupid fitting his days like that).

 

After arguing that weekend, the following Wednesday I waited to see if he'd make plans. He didn't- he just text me saying he was excited that he'd bought a new video game. I told him I thought we spent wednesdays together- he said he thought it was Tuesday. I told him straight up he needs to make plans in advance to see me so I know what's going on (considering our set days seemed to have gone out of the window within this week). The following day he rang me up last minute expecting me to come over, after asking him to make plans in advance with me. By this time I'd already made other plans so this was another wasted Saturday we could have spent together if he'd have said something the night before.

 

This week I saw him on his Birthday where we were supposed to be going out for a meal. We didn't end up going because it was getting late and he didn't know where/ if he wanted to go. He then went to a gig with his friend this Thursday for his birthday which I had no problem with. I went to his last night and he told me he was going to town to watch the match today with the same friend and is going to another gig afterwards. Then he also told me he had booked the following Wednesday off work as he was going to watch football in his university city and stay there the following day. He's also going to watch football next Saturday too.

 

We've gone from seeing each other on set days to barely seeing each other so suddenly. In the past three weeks football has come before me every weekend and now friends are too. He tells me every match is one not to miss, every gig is one he's been waiting for and he's not seen his university friends in ages. I'm now the bad guy as he's says that i'm not allowing him to see his friends which he hasn't seen for ages or watch football which is his "passion". I have no problem with this but it's every weekend and he does nothing to make it up to me. I'm never a priority anymore.

 

He says I don't appreciate all he does for me and keeps bringing up that he's turned down friends in the past and all the effort he put into seeing me at uni, basically making out that I should be grateful, which has tainted the time I thought he was coming to mine because he actually wanted to see me. He also makes out that it's just a busy time and I need to give him space. I ask him to come up with plans for the two of us and he says "You can as well you know!" which is fair enough if I hadn't always come up with plans for us. He says he works all week and enjoys just chilling out and playing video games etc.. which also makes sense but we only spend 2 days together at the moment so I'm wondering why he can't in his free time?

 

He is doing everything he wants whenever he wants and making me out to be unreasonable, but I feel like I'm just fitting in. I feel like we're both living single lives and he's doesn't ever think he should compromise. The limited time we do spend together we spend arguing now and I'm on my last straw. I don't want to feel like a burden and that i'm forcing somebody to spend time with me so I took home my things from his house today and told him I thought we did need space to think about whether we wanted to continue with this relationship.

 

His mum's planned a birthday meal for him tomorrow too (a week late) which has come at a bad time and it looks awful that I'm no longer going so by tomorrow his entire family are going to know it's going downhill with us too, which doesn't help as his family get very involved. Since I've come home he's text me saying he loves me and I'm torn between thinking I'm being unreasonable and feeling he's treating me like a backup?

 

Any advice would be appreciated,

Thanks

[Els]

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. It's VERY reasonable for a couple with no kids to go out on a date once a week IMO. Then again, him taking the train to your place every single night in the past also strikes me as a bit excessive, on the other extreme of the spectrum. Was that your idea or his idea?

 

It's possible that he's burnt out after doing that for a year, and while I think that's understandable, it's not fair to you and he needs to understand that moderation is called for. Taking the train every night shouldn't be necessary, but not dating your gf for 3 straight weeks is not acceptable either.

 

It's also possible that there's something deeper that's wrong with the R. Do the two of you argue a lot about anything else?

[spiderowl]

It doesn't sound unreasonable to me either. Like you say, it seems like he is taking you for granted and expecting you to fit round him and his plans to watch football. My suspicious side asks who he goes to watch football with or has he always been so keen on it?

 

But, assuming he really is just watching football, I think you are doing the right thing by backing off and giving him space. He is taking you for granted and maybe he needs to do some thinking too about all this. Is there some underlying problem with you both that you haven't mentioned?

 

Sometimes people only find out how much they matter to each other when there is distance and the possibility of loss. I don't see it as a bad thing that others become aware there are issues. If you are in a position where you feel you can't do anything right without supposedly coming across as demanding, it is perfectly reasonable to stop engaging to give you both chance to reflect.

[perol]

You're no longer a priority in his life, he'd rather hang with friends and play video games.

 

To argue and complain will only drive him away further.

 

If you're not getting what you want out of this relationship then it's time to find someone else, you can't make him want to be with you, if you keep trying you'll see him even less than you already do.