Emotional Affair

[Davidlonnie]

My wife and I have been married for 22 years. We have four kids and I thought we we were getting along well. One night we were talking and I went to get her phone. I seen a pic of a guy penis in it. That's when I found out she had been talking texting and messaging this guy for six months. So I confronted her and she keep telling me he was just a friend. So I begin to search a little further. I checked the phone log she had been calling him almost everyday. I also found several phone calls to a hotel. She claim nothing happen that she thought about it but could not go through with it. It completely floored me, it was happening right under my nose and I had no clue. Since then she apologized and stopped all contact. But my trust is gone. It has been a year, will I ever be able to move on from this. I love her but things are not the same. She was only giving information if I found out about it. How do I trust again? I asked her did she have feelings for the guy she claim they were just friends. She keeps telling me she loves me, but I don't know anymore.

[jbrent890]

My wife and I have been married for 22 years. We have four kids and I thought we we were getting along well. One night we were talking and I went to get her phone. I seen a pic of a guy penis in it. That's when I found out she had been talking texting and messaging this guy for six months. So I confronted her and she keep telling me he was just a friend. So I begin to search a little further. I checked the phone log she had been calling him almost everyday. I also found several phone calls to a hotel. She claim nothing happen that she thought about it but could not go through with it. It completely floored me, it was happening right under my nose and I had no clue. Since then she apologized and stopped all contact. But my trust is gone. It has been a year, will I ever be able to move on from this. I love her but things are not the same. She was only giving information if I found out about it. How do I trust again? I asked her did she have feelings for the guy she claim they were just friends. She keeps telling me she loves me, but I don't know anymore.

 

First things first, welcome to Loveshack and I'm sorry you are here. Second thing, I think you need to trust the fact that her affair more than likely was physical as well. Trust me, we have seen this plenty of times. Its standard cheating script and its the second lie they tell after "we are just friends." Personally, in this day and age, its rare that I see strictly emotional affairs. From what I have seen, the large majority do go physical. Its up to her to prove to you that it didn't go physical. Honestly, I would make her take a poly and see what happens. I'm sorry bro, but unless you push, she will more than likely ride that lie until she dies.

[qubist]

first of all friends do not send pictures of their private stuff to friends, and do not get engage in daily secret conversation and plan hotel meetings. he was not a friend he was an AP. if she continues claiming he was just friend you have just wasted a year of your life sweeping the mess under the rug. no wonder you can't trust her.

Reconciliation is possible but it requires a defined path which doesn't include any denial. you did it wrong that's why you still feel bad.

[flowergirl14]

Davidl,

Cheaters usually only tell you what they think you already know. Its called trickle truth. This is one of the things that keeps betrayed spouses in pergatory. She never owned up to the complete truth so you dont know what else she might be hiding. How deep the affair went. How long was it etc. It sounds like you never got to to the bottom of things. You rugswept, she did too. I wouldnt be surprised if she continued the affair or may at some point resume it or become involved in another. Why? Because she wasnt completely honest, there were no real consequences. And affairs are hard to end. Read the ow/om part of this forum. You blindly trusted your wife. I too am married 21 yrs with 3 kids. Yes, they do cheat right under your nose. They will text, sext, email their affair partner while your lying in bed together, in the car together. While the kids are playing at their feet, on family vacations. It is Vile and disgusting behavior. All the marriage counseling in the world wont fix the trust issue if she is still lying/ decieving you. How do you know she really ended it? Her words should mean NOTHING! You need to know for sure what the h*ll happened and if its worth saving. Listen to all of the advice given here on ls. Its tough to hear but its almost always right.

[carhill]

Welcome to LS and my sympathies for your situation.

 

FWIW, none of my female friends, and there have been many, both single and married, have seen a 'dick pic'. I can't imagine that. Whoa.

 

Where to go? Clarify your emotions and decide whether or not you want to recover/reconcile, if that is possible, or divorce. Then, move on that decision.

 

Trickle truth is normal in affairs. It doesn't always happen that way but usual human shame and/or regret and/or subterfuge reads pretty much the same way, minimize actions or words uncomfortable for the psyche to process.

 

If you want to reconcile, seek out a professional who has a track record of recovering marriages from infidelity and invest in that process. If she really loves you, she'll be there with you. If not, accept that, interview a few lawyers, serve her up, try mediation to save on legal fees and move on. Short life, billions of people, none are that important to impale yourself over at the altar of a legal partnership. Good luck!

[singer23]

My wife and I have been married for 22 years. We have four kids and I thought we we were getting along well. One night we were talking and I went to get her phone. I seen a pic of a guy penis in it. That's when I found out she had been talking texting and messaging this guy for six months. So I confronted her and she keep telling me he was just a friend. So I begin to search a little further. I checked the phone log she had been calling him almost everyday. I also found several phone calls to a hotel. She claim nothing happen that she thought about it but could not go through with it. It completely floored me, it was happening right under my nose and I had no clue. Since then she apologized and stopped all contact. But my trust is gone. It has been a year, will I ever be able to move on from this. I love her but things are not the same. She was only giving information if I found out about it. How do I trust again? I asked her did she have feelings for the guy she claim they were just friends. She keeps telling me she loves me, but I don't know anymore.

 

Looks like you never got the truth and gt is not allowing you to move on. Several phone calls to the hotel only mean that she went and visited it. You won't heal as long as you think she is lying about it.

[harrybrown]

Has she been tested for stds?

 

have you gone to affair recovery or some other counseling for her A?

 

If she did not give you a timeline and diary of the A, she is not remorseful.

 

How old are your kids?

 

If she is not remorseful, transparent and helping you heal, she is still caring on the A under your nose.

 

She could get a burner phone.

 

Sorry, but she does not sound remorseful. do not stay together for the kids.

 

So sorry.

 

have you talked to an attorney about how much child support etc?

 

 

Or let her go, tell her to go with the OM and leave you, the kids behind. Your are not her second choice.

[spanz1]

if she had pics of his dick on her phone, AND he is local, odds are overwhelming that she did this guy. those calls to the hotel were to arrange trysts with him.

 

 

So, since she almost certainly did more, your gut is telling you that she did not tell you the whole truth. Funny how your body knows, even when the mind will not admit it.

 

 

So do not take her b.s. for one minute. Dig, investigate. She might have seemed to break off all contact, when in fact she just bought a burner phone that you do not know about.

 

 

If you have the scratch, hire a P.I. to follow her. If not, get a VAR to record her in the car, maybe one near the phones in your house. And a gps for the car. Keylog her computer, etc. You will eventually get the truth if you keep quiet and she lets her guard down in a few weeks.

 

 

One thing you COULD discuss in the meantime was WHY she felt the sexual need to play with this man. She may only admit an online relationship at this time, but that is good enough to get the conversation going. Was she looking for some kinky sex you would not give her? Was she desperate for romance that long ago fizzled at home? Is she going thru some midlife crisis and feels ugly/fat/unloved? These are all things you can help her overcome, if she would only talk truthfully about things.

[starpower]

Just the little bits of info you've provide say this more than likely physical. Especially the phone calls to the hotel. I would suggest doing your own investigation, are you sure it has stopped? I'm not surprised you are unable to get past this, as you probably feeling in your gut you didn't get the whole truth. Seems everything was swept under the carpet, the fact that she still claims he was just a friend is amazing. I would not accept that back then or now.

[afoolto no end]

how are you sure the affair stopped, her word?

what precautions have you two put in place for contact to happen again.

has she made amends giving you compensation in terms of protection respect?

If she hasn't and you don't know it's over for sure maybe it's time to deal with it

There is a reason you feel the way you do, trust your gut.

[Marc878]

she didn't call the hotel just to see their menu.

 

Check your credit cards etc. You can/should recover all of her deleted texts/messages from her phone. Do it now or regret it later.

 

You could also call the hotel and see if she ever checked in.

 

Cheaters lie, deceive and hide. They don't mind killing you in the process and leaving you in limbo.

 

Get to the bottom of it. Unless you want this in the back of your mind for the next 20 yrs or so.

 

 

Find the guy if he's married do full Exposure. Works wonders if you have the will to do it.

 

If i were you I'd take command of this situation and go full out. Keep the evidence in a safe place as you will likely need it in the future.

 

This is not the time to be weak or timid! This is your life!!!!!

Edited September 13, 2015 by Marc878

[ShatteredLady]

I printed out articles & forum posts to show my H just how devastating trickle truth (I HATE that I know these new words & phrases!!) is to the BS. We had long talks about exactly what I needed from him. Complete transparency is a must! There's a great 'Letter' on piecing together the 'puzzle' of infadility. If you search those words you'll find it. I found that really useful in explaining how I felt. I, like many, needed to know EVERYTHING so it all made perfect sense to me. Sometimes my brain gets locked on a new question & I need him to answer & show me proof.

 

Being a BS is a club I never wanted to join. It's beyond a nightmare. Any cheater is asking sooooo very much if they want us to stay around. Don't do the crime if you can't do the time...or whatever the saying is. If your M has any chance of surviving you need honesty.

 

You don't have photos like that if you're just holding hands!!!

[m.snow]

could you post your profile so people here could get a better picture of your situation.

 

you and your WW(wayward wife) age?

what are your children's age?

marriage is 22 years, but how long have been together?

are both of you working?

 

Have you been to counseling?, it is very important. for both BH(betrayed husband) and WW to go to marriage counseling.

This will hopefully help you address certain issue's that caused the affair and the effect there of.

[tomcook]

Wow, it's strange being on the other end of these posts. The gang here at LS actually just helped me with a similar issue, except I was a little further along. However, when I first found out myself, it was phone records. At that time, my wife assured me that it was just getting the guy to admit that he liked her, catching up. A couple of days of pressure later, she caved and said that it was flirting. Like you, I was devastated. However, a good month later, with a lot more investigation, I learned that I was cheated on emotionally for months and physically over the span of a week with not only this guy, but two others as well. However, this was only the other guys pleasuring her. With a lot more pressure, sure enough, as all posters tried to convince me on LS, I found out that she gave hand-jobs and oral to two of these guys and I was literally on the brink of divorce after that.

 

So, let's look at that again. That went from getting a guy to admitting that he liked her to kissing, "handling", and blowing the guy. It was impossible for me to believe that she was lying yet more each time, but if you have that feeling in the gut and the LS veterans are assuring you that there's something off, then there most likely is. There are so many posts on here that were shared with me of guys who were in nearly the same position as me. No matter how it works out, I wish you both the best of luck, and I am sorry that you have to go through this.

Edited September 14, 2015 by tomcook

[Jj66]

I wouldn't bet my life on it but I would bet my fortune that it's physical and it could possibly still be going on.

[road]

My wife and I have been married for 22 years. We have four kids and I thought we we were getting along well. One night we were talking and I went to get her phone. I seen a pic of a guy penis in it. That's when I found out she had been talking texting and messaging this guy for six months. So I confronted her and she keep telling me he was just a friend. So I begin to search a little further. I checked the phone log she had been calling him almost everyday. I also found several phone calls to a hotel. She claim nothing happen that she thought about it but could not go through with it. It completely floored me, it was happening right under my nose and I had no clue. Since then she apologized and stopped all contact. But my trust is gone. It has been a year, will I ever be able to move on from this. I love her but things are not the same. She was only giving information if I found out about it. How do I trust again? I asked her did she have feelings for the guy she claim they were just friends. She keeps telling me she loves me, but I don't know anymore.

 

 

 

What have you done to verify NC?

 

 

I think this was a PA.

 

 

How did your WW meet the OM?