Girls after breakup use guys to support them emotionally? Is it True?

[Jesse1]

I am in LDR with this girl who stay like 2000 KMs from my place. I have seen her once so far and its all good. We love each other a lot and we are in relationship for around 10 months

 

 

Before mentioning my problem let me tell you my gf had broken up with her ex like 1 year back and after that she found me online(maybe around 1 month after breakup when she was very upset). That's where we connected quite well.

 

Today i was speaking to my friend and he was saying not to totally trust a girl who are coming from breakup because they "use" you as a supporting shoulder to heal their pains?

 

He also gave me an example of a 5 year old relationship which he saw breaking up of his another friend. This scared the **** out of me

 

I do trust her a lot but since this is the first time I am in relationship and in love so I was confused. So my question is

 

Do girls really use guys are a helping shoulder after their breakup? How can I gauge that she does really love me and not using me as one?

 

I am quite faint hearted so I am not sure how will I handle a breakup. What should I do to let this relationship prosper?

[BlueBlood]

There is nothing that all women/girls do regarding breakups or rebounds. We are all our own person, you cannot lump gender and reaction with any degree of reliability. You have to go on how you feel based on what your relationship is like.

[carhill]

Girls after breakup use guys to support them emotionally? Is it True?

 

Some do, sure. Some use us while they're married or in relationships too. People are people and everyone is different.

 

What matters is your boundaries.

 

Do girls really use guys are a helping shoulder after their breakup? How can I gauge that she does really love me and not using me as one?

 

Impossible to know, in advance, with any certainty, regarding any one person. If she's there holding your hand when you die, you can gain some comfort that maybe she really loved you and hasn't been using you. Then, again.....

I am quite faint hearted so I am not sure how will I handle a breakup. What should I do to let this relationship prosper?

 

LDR's with people just out of relationships aren't for the faint of heart, rather the more experienced and adventurous. I'd suggest focusing your interests locally. And yes, I did date women internationally, more like 12-14kms apart. And, yup, I let myself get used as an emotional support a number of times. That's key. I let it happen. It was a choice. Good luck!

[Versacehottie]

Girls AND guys do this. If it's a relationship or where other person is lead to believe it's a relationship, that's what they call a rebound. If it's flirting and leading people of opposite sex along, it's like an ego boost.

 

I don't think EVERYTHING is necessarily a rebound relationship or being used for an ego boost. But if someone has just come out of a serious relationship or if you think they might still be hung up on ex, be very cautious. Someone is always the "next" bf or gf so not everything can be rebounds! Some of those are real relationships. You need to assess what is happening with yours. You both are really the only two with the answer to the question as it relates to your situation.

 

We can give you some advice. Like I'd be worried about the long distance nature of it and seeing her only once over that length of time being together--if I understood that right. Realistically, rebound or not, that in itself sounds like there is a possibility that she could just be using you for support. Unless you both see it as a seriously and progressing relationship and are making active plans so that the distance is bridged, I kinda think that's what it is by default. Tell us more if you want. But I think you need to talk to her.

[Jesse1]

Girls AND guys do this. If it's a relationship or where other person is lead to believe it's a relationship, that's what they call a rebound. If it's flirting and leading people of opposite sex along, it's like an ego boost.

 

I don't think EVERYTHING is necessarily a rebound relationship or being used for an ego boost. But if someone has just come out of a serious relationship or if you think they might still be hung up on ex, be very cautious. Someone is always the "next" bf or gf so not everything can be rebounds! Some of those are real relationships. You need to assess what is happening with yours. You both are really the only two with the answer to the question as it relates to your situation.

 

We can give you some advice. Like I'd be worried about the long distance nature of it and seeing her only once over that length of time being together--if I understood that right. Realistically, rebound or not, that in itself sounds like there is a possibility that she could just be using you for support. Unless you both see it as a seriously and progressing relationship and are making active plans so that the distance is bridged, I kinda think that's what it is by default. Tell us more if you want. But I think you need to talk to her.

 

Hey, thanks for the reply. Yes let me tell you more about it

 

She was in an 8 year old relationship before and she ended like 3 months before she met me online. Do note that she was dumped by her BF when she went out of the country for her studies so the BF later told her he found another GF and she was devastated. That's where she met me online. It was all just by accident.

 

Now she seems very happy with me as she tells me that everyday. We skype a lot on daily basis, Dirt text,Cam sex and all the wierd stuff to fill out our loneliness.

She even says she wants to stay with me and she will take good care of me which sounds quite genuine to me. Looking at her past life I do believe she isnt lying as she herself hates liers for obvious reasons

 

Now she plans to visit me again in my country after 4 months during the holidays and is already saving money for the same. I do think she is working hard to keep up the relationship as she initates the convo 70% of the time and replies instantly whenever she sees my message

 

Now regarding your advice, what do you think I should talk to her about? Can you elaborate on that a bit? I am planning to move to her country for few months just to stay with her probably next year if all goes good. Havent though what is to be done after that as believe is thinking about the present.

 

Since i am new to all this i have no idea how to go about it or should i just not bother and live the life as it goes and go with the flow while working on my career.

[Versacehottie]

Hey, thanks for the reply. Yes let me tell you more about it

 

She was in an 8 year old relationship before and she ended like 3 months before she met me online. Do note that she was dumped by her BF when she went out of the country for her studies so the BF later told her he found another GF and she was devastated. That's where she met me online. It was all just by accident.

 

Now she seems very happy with me as she tells me that everyday. We skype a lot on daily basis, Dirt text,Cam sex and all the wierd stuff to fill out our loneliness.

She even says she wants to stay with me and she will take good care of me which sounds quite genuine to me. Looking at her past life I do believe she isnt lying as she herself hates liers for obvious reasons

 

Now she plans to visit me again in my country after 4 months during the holidays and is already saving money for the same. I do think she is working hard to keep up the relationship as she initates the convo 70% of the time and replies instantly whenever she sees my message

 

Now regarding your advice, what do you think I should talk to her about? Can you elaborate on that a bit? I am planning to move to her country for few months just to stay with her probably next year if all goes good. Havent though what is to be done after that as believe is thinking about the present.

 

Since i am new to all this i have no idea how to go about it or should i just not bother and live the life as it goes and go with the flow while working on my career.

 

Well from how you have described it here, it sounds fine. My big question is why then did you start this thread? Are there things that happen that make you think you are more into her or that you won't last? A comment from your friend didn't really put that much doubt about your relationship into your mind, did it?

 

If you feel good and confident about where things are, there is no need for a talk about your status with each other. I do think, as is often recommended, it's smart to talk about the relationship from time to time. Some people say once a week. I think it's good just because you can get an idea if a person is resisting you or what their vibe really is. I forgot what it's called--there's an official name. I'm not one for heavy or serious talks but I'm sure for more intense couples these talks are like that. I like light, happy, hopeful, talking about future plans. Not formal or stiff. I don't think I'm explaining well and English may not be your native language, right? Hope you get what I mean.

[preraph]

Your friend is giving one side of the story. In my experience, guys swarmed in after my breakups. Some guys look for that opportunity because they know the woman is vulnerable and may take advantage of her needing a shoulder to cry on. However, in my case, I wasn't looking for a shoulder to cry on. But guys would come out of the ether at those times. One was definitely looking to capitalize on the situation and was a close friend of the guy I broke up with. I wasn't interested. He had always been just a friend. But he eventually made the move and I rejected him and somehow managed to remain friends with him by being brutally honest and now he's happily married.

 

Other guys were already friends who I think mainly came out to support me after a bad breakup and were genuinely just there because they cared. I don't think any of them wanted anything permanent and I certainly wasn't in any head space for that. And again, we remained friends because they were true friends.

 

The moral of the story is don't ever be the guy who is in a rush to get with someone right after they broke up with their man. They're not emotionally ready and you should just know that. It will be months before they are ready. It might be years, or they might never be ready again. Because it's very emotional for women. And you can't make a blanket statement whether a woman is just using you for a shoulder to cry on or you are a rebound. You could be either or you could be none of the above. It all depends on the woman. If the woman is using you for a shoulder only, it will be evident because she won't stop talking about the guy and her emotions. If she is leaning on your financially during her breakup transition, that should be obvious, so be sure she's working and paying her own bills and don't offer extra assistance and that way if that's all she wants, she won't hang around long enough for you to get your hopes up.

 

If she's using you to pump her ego up and make herself feel better, which is pretty common, I would say, for both men and women to do after breakup, it doesn't mean things won't work out. It just means she needed a prop for a while to hold her head up and make her feel like going out in public again. Humililation is a big part of breaking up. Having someone on your arm can help. You should be able to tell by your interactions with her whether she is really interested in your as a person or if you are just a placeholder. When a woman likes you, you can usually tell. If you're unsure, it could be your insecurity or it could be she's passing time.

 

But you shouldn't have any such fears if a woman has been with you longer than, say, six months, unless it's financial. A woman isn't going to dig in that deep if she's not interested in you and doesn't care about you. I can almost guarantee that your friend who lost one after five years is leaving out a major part of the story -- the part where he was partly to blame.

[Jesse1]

Well from how you have described it here, it sounds fine. My big question is why then did you start this thread? Are there things that happen that make you think you are more into her or that you won't last? A comment from your friend didn't really put that much doubt about your relationship into your mind, did it?

 

If you feel good and confident about where things are, there is no need for a talk about your status with each other. I do think, as is often recommended, it's smart to talk about the relationship from time to time. Some people say once a week. I think it's good just because you can get an idea if a person is resisting you or what their vibe really is. I forgot what it's called--there's an official name. I'm not one for heavy or serious talks but I'm sure for more intense couples these talks are like that. I like light, happy, hopeful, talking about future plans. Not formal or stiff. I don't think I'm explaining well and English may not be your native language, right? Hope you get what I mean.

 

I am not sure what kind of talk is it. Can you give me an example or what is to be asked to check the status of relationship? Sorry for sounding a noob

 

Your friend is giving one side of the story. In my experience, guys swarmed in after my breakups. Some guys look for that opportunity because they know the woman is vulnerable and may take advantage of her needing a shoulder to cry on. However, in my case, I wasn't looking for a shoulder to cry on. But guys would come out of the ether at those times. One was definitely looking to capitalize on the situation and was a close friend of the guy I broke up with. I wasn't interested. He had always been just a friend. But he eventually made the move and I rejected him and somehow managed to remain friends with him by being brutally honest and now he's happily married.

 

Other guys were already friends who I think mainly came out to support me after a bad breakup and were genuinely just there because they cared. I don't think any of them wanted anything permanent and I certainly wasn't in any head space for that. And again, we remained friends because they were true friends.

 

The moral of the story is don't ever be the guy who is in a rush to get with someone right after they broke up with their man. They're not emotionally ready and you should just know that. It will be months before they are ready. It might be years, or they might never be ready again. Because it's very emotional for women. And you can't make a blanket statement whether a woman is just using you for a shoulder to cry on or you are a rebound. You could be either or you could be none of the above. It all depends on the woman. If the woman is using you for a shoulder only, it will be evident because she won't stop talking about the guy and her emotions. If she is leaning on your financially during her breakup transition, that should be obvious, so be sure she's working and paying her own bills and don't offer extra assistance and that way if that's all she wants, she won't hang around long enough for you to get your hopes up.

 

If she's using you to pump her ego up and make herself feel better, which is pretty common, I would say, for both men and women to do after breakup, it doesn't mean things won't work out. It just means she needed a prop for a while to hold her head up and make her feel like going out in public again. Humililation is a big part of breaking up. Having someone on your arm can help. You should be able to tell by your interactions with her whether she is really interested in your as a person or if you are just a placeholder. When a woman likes you, you can usually tell. If you're unsure, it could be your insecurity or it could be she's passing time.

 

But you shouldn't have any such fears if a woman has been with you longer than, say, six months, unless it's financial. A woman isn't going to dig in that deep if she's not interested in you and doesn't care about you. I can almost guarantee that your friend who lost one after five years is leaving out a major part of the story -- the part where he was partly to blame.

 

Yes totally makes sense now. She definitely isnt there financially since she NEVER ever asked me about money. Ofcourse the usual gift me on bday and all but that was said in fun and she never forces me to buy something. She is also working women and quite hardworking who has a regular 9 to 5 job.

 

Before the relationship even started she told me about her ex and she never talk about him infront of me unless I bring up the topic(which is usuallly in joking tone) but that's it. She does sound sincere in her words so I believe its all legit.

 

The only reason i had a doubt is because I am inexperienced so i wanted to know from other experienced people here.

[preraph]

Well, you sound like a nice genuine guy. Friends will always tell their horror stories, but always remember there's two sides to them, his and hers, and you'll only hear one side. He was with her five years, so that wasn't him just getting used. It just didn't work out.

 

Things sound like they're going just fine with your and your girlfriend, so don't let anyone get in your head about it. Treat her the way you'd like to be treated and listen when she talks, and you can't go far wrong. good luck.