Decided on NC, now how do I do it?

[smile]

I have a few questions about NC. I mean my ex and I had been together a lot... to the point that most ppl thought we were back together. But when I got upset at him not being there for me when my grandma died, when he said he would, he said that was a bf/gf argument. And that was the slap in the face I needed to realize we werent on the same page.

 

My question is... how do I do NC? I mean he called me last weekend once every day but I didnt answer. On the 3rd call I was half asleep, I answered but told him I was sleeping and I wanted to get off the phone. Then he called Tues... we talked a bit, we still have a joint phone plan. Anyway he said he would call back. He never did.

 

Today, Saturday, I found out his phone broke and his car is in the shop. So we try to figure out the phone thing, its under my name. We decide its best to use this opportunity to seperate the phone bill... so he doesnt owe me $$ and I dont get angry when he cant pay. Thats fine.. seems like things are working in my favor..

 

Heres my question. After we fix everything on Monday I dont want to be around him anyomore... I need him to go away. But do I tell him? I wrote this letter that got it all out for me but I wrote a letter before and I mean I feel different but I am afraid he will think its the same and accuse me of being overdramatic... but I think he should know.

 

On the other hand if I leave him guessing maybe he will come ot conclusions without feeling he was led there by me. Should I tell him I need space or just start being busy?

 

I want him to realize how much he has been depending on me .. even after he broke up with me. But I know I cant make that happen.

 

So.. how do I go about it? Any suggestions?

[surely]

I think that you are right about how things are going. He does seem very dependent on you. My suggestion would be to write a letter without emotion. Tell him just the facts of what has been going on and leave out how you feel about it. Then at the end tell him for this to work for you and for you to move on from bf/gf relationship to friendship that you need an X amount of time of NC. I think then he will get the point. Good luck!

[strange love]

Hey smile

 

Just checking on your latest post. I been thinking now your boyfriend seems a little like my ex. I wrote her many a letter that politely,calmly and maturely asked her to settle up with me and move on. Each letter she got upset about but refused to leave..

And heres something else she has in common with your ex take a big guess

 

shes

 

JEWISH

 

Lol So Im not sure wheter this behaviour is what to expect of that culture..

Hmm.. you know I was never interested in jewish women before I met her, now well

"be still my heart".

 

How do you do NC just ignore them, until they start begging I guess.

I have a feeling you wont be rid of him though.... Have you guys ever thought of counselling? Have you ever thought of say to him "what the hell is wrong with you?"

 

Oh well hows the comix?

 

strangelove

[majorthird]

So, after reading a bit around on this forum, here's a hypothesis. Feel free to comment whatever your thoughts are, for some reason it appeals to me:

 

<I><B>The only two hard things about No Contact is

- deciding that it's really what you want

- be as blunt as to say so and do so</I></B>

(and those two are so closely related that it's basically just one thing: going for it).

 

I think it's kinda cruel to just "start" No-Contacting without letting somebody know why you're not answering the phone anymore.

 

I'd think in your case that would mean telling him something like "look, i need to not talk to you for i-don't-know-how-long (if ever), so don't call me (and i won't answer anyway), and don't wait or expect or whatever". The joint phone thing is just a practical thing. If you're determined, it can be out of the way in no time.

 

Maybe it seems heartless to make it sound that simple, but i really hope it helps putting things in perspective. Imagine how much better you probably feel if it's clear. In time he'll be glad you'd been honest too.

 

Good luck!!

[smile]

surely i have tried this needing space thing and he says he gets it.. but then he needs me and does this apologetic sad needy thing and I get sucked right back in. He is too weak to let me go and I am too weak to pull away. Until now. I think.

 

What I am getting at is this is a hard thing for me to decide and go through and he claims that he understands and respects my wishes... but he has never fully let me go. And that little bit of neediness and interest is just enough to keep me dangling. And thats what he wants and thats not fair... but how do you know when its dangling and when its staring over?

 

Strangelove.. I have no idea what is going on here... if its cultural or just craziness but either way its novelty is wearing thin. I have a feeling deep down that I wont be rid of him either. But I have to lay it all out for him and let him know what I want. Maybe he wil respond... but he probably won't.

 

As for the counseling yes I did think we should do that.. but I was making that decision as he was making the decision to break up with me. When we talked about it , post mortem, he said yes that probably wouldve been a good idea but it was too late. He says I am the one person he was ever in love with, I am his best friend yada yada but there is no action behind these words..

 

And as for asking him what the hell is wrong with him.. yes we have been there too. And I know and he knows he has so many issues to deal with.. I was always so afraid of his being defensive that I tiptoed around his abnormalities... but just recently the other day I said to him I have something to say and I dont want you to get defensive and he asked what it was. I just flat out said "I think your biggest problem is you are afraid of being happy because you are worried it wont last. You are never completely satisfied because that means you will wind up being disappointed somewhere down the road." And he was quiet for a minute and then he said "I think you're right".

 

On his bday when I gave him his gift he cried and said how shocked he was that I got him this particular movie he liked. I said he had told me about it... he just kept saying "you know me so well".

 

And majorthird youre right it is hard to decide and to try and carry out. But in the end its best that I am honest about what I want and what I dont. Its best for the both of us.

[smile]

I have no idea why I answered when he called. I wish I hadnt. I decided to give him the letter on Monday when we split the phones. And yeah I was kinda sad that he was ready to split the phones cause it just seemed like cutting all ties ya know?

 

Anyway the phone rang and it was him. He was on his way home from a party and he fixed his phone. He wants to wait to change the phone stuff bc he says there is a penalty if we change it before a full year. I hardly see how that it true but whatever.

 

Then he kept telling me about his life. Things that happened... trying to remember what he wanted to tell me. why why why? Why does he feel the need to fill me in on things like being the top salesman at work and running 2 miles with his dog? Why tell me that he is going to see star wars and when he has band practice?

 

Its like since we have talked he had this whole slew of updates he wanted to fill me in on. He kept saying "oh what else there was something else I wanted to tell you". Why why why?

 

I am going to give him the letter the day he pays me for the phone. He reminded me we still have a gym membership together and I can use it if I want bc its cheaper for him to pay for both of us than just him. He said if I wanted to go to where he lives and work out or if I wanted him to come here and work out we could.

 

What what what???? Why doesnt he want me if he wants me to be such a part of his life???

A big part of me wishes when he broke up with me that he just hated me. I have no idea what to do...

 

He says he will call me later... but I never really want him to. I just need to stop being consumed by this confusion.... any guy out there know why he is doing this???

[outdated]

It seems simple to me. He was a douchebag, screwed up and dumped you, realized he was wrong but is too spineless to tell you exactly that, so he figures he will weasel his way back in without you realizing it. If you want him, then you accept this. If you don't, tell him to beat it.

[alphamale]

Originally posted by smile

I have a few questions about NC.

ahhh yeah....ahem *loosens collar*

 

could someone please pull out NO FOOLIN's guide to NC?

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by alphamale

ahhh yeah....ahem *loosens collar*

 

could someone please pull out NO FOOLIN's guide to NC?

 

See my siggy. I wish I could follow my own advice sometimes. Love Bites!

[smile]

So outdated you think I should just accept things as is? I am not happy this way. I dont know I do want him but no the way he is acting currently.

 

In the process of growing into an adult I think some males freak out and jump ship. They then turn into what my ex has become.... an immature, self centered, oversensitive,needy, jerkoff. Is there any way to get him back on track? Kinda like leading the water to the horse....

 

Anyhoo... I am telling him tomorrow that I am not ok with this. And that makes me sad bc he will be out of my life.. but I mean I have to adjust to my world without my grandma... maybe I can just make major adjustments all around.

 

I dont think accepting it is going to do either of us any good. I do love him and I wish it could work.. but not now and not like this. I believe we would be great together... married and stuff ... but if its meant to be it isn't always to be. I know ppl say it is but I have witnessed how stuborness and stagnation have prevented things from moving in the right direction.

 

And strangelove... why do you think I won't be rid of him? I fear an angry reaction and then goodbye forever. but why do you think he won't go?

 

Thanks everyone for your support. He was my best friend for 4 years and having him out of my life is going to be tough. I partly feel guilty and bad for not being able to be his friend. But he wasnt a good just friend either... raaarrr. Chaos.

 

Thanks.

[outdated]

Originally posted by smile

So outdated you think I should just accept things as is? I am not happy this way. I dont know I do want him but no the way he is acting currently.

 

In the process of growing into an adult I think some males freak out and jump ship. They then turn into what my ex has become.... an immature, self centered, oversensitive,needy, jerkoff. Is there any way to get him back on track? Kinda like leading the water to the horse....

 

Anyhoo... I am telling him tomorrow that I am not ok with this. And that makes me sad bc he will be out of my life.. but I mean I have to adjust to my world without my grandma... maybe I can just make major adjustments all around.

 

I dont think accepting it is going to do either of us any good. I do love him and I wish it could work.. but not now and not like this. I believe we would be great together... married and stuff ... but if its meant to be it isn't always to be. I know ppl say it is but I have witnessed how stuborness and stagnation have prevented things from moving in the right direction.

 

Should accept? Darlin', you HAVE to accept.

 

Yes, some males do bail. So do some females. The best way to get him back on track is to not pay any attention to him. Sad, but true.

 

If it's meant to be, it'll be is something that people tell you when they want you to stop talking about your ex. While there is some truth to the saying- love will conquer all or whatever, the truth of the matter is that stubborness and general misdirection will get in the way of a relationship that will work if nurtured. However, people are lazy. They don't want to work at things. It's much easier to discard something that is totally fixable than to actually fix it. This is why there are so many old toasters at landfills. Do they suffer in the end (people, not toasters)? I don't know.

 

Wait for someone that doesn't consider you his latest toaster.

[smile]

Sooo... walk away? Fight? Give him an ultimatum? Tell him I can't take it anymore? Then does that mean I am bailing?

 

I agree with everything you said outdated... but in living with that rationale I am stuck in a place of powerlessness.

 

What I am saying here is .... your philiosophy tends to be similar to mine so your opinion on what I should do here means a lot. I HAVE to accept what exactly?

 

Sorry...I am searching for a concrete answer to an undefined question. When did everything get so complicated?

[Da_1_n_OnlyN3na]

ok i think you should start being busy try not to be home so much when he calls you or if h calls your cell phone try to atleast not answer for a while...trust me at on point hell get the picture that your having your life and that you dont need him around. the thing is he migh miss talking to you if he still has feelings for you so hes gonna look for you...

[pippen_2k]

I suppose some advice is better late than never huh? Lmao

[Da_1_n_OnlyN3na]

is that supposed to be meant for me???? ....lol

[Kengne]

Sooo... walk away? Fight? Give him an ultimatum? Tell him I can't take it anymore? Then does that mean I am bailing?

 

I agree with everything you said outdated... but in living with that rationale I am stuck in a place of powerlessness.

 

What I am saying here is .... your philiosophy tends to be similar to mine so your opinion on what I should do here means a lot. I HAVE to accept what exactly?

 

Sorry...I am searching for a concrete answer to an undefined question. When did everything get so complicated?

 

The answer is simple: NC.

 

He is wanting to keep you in his life, but not as a girlfriend because it is COMFORTABLE!

 

This is by far the most re-occuring theme in ALL breakups. 90% of the time the DUMPER wants to be friends w the DUMPEE - whether bcuz it's comfortable, to ease their conscience or whatever!

 

What your ex is doing is very common, so please don't read into it that by telling you minute details of his life - he wants you back. All it means is that he is comfortable with you being his friend, and can talk to you.

 

Now if you are NOT cool with this... and are NOT prepared to be 'just friends' and have NOT yet gotten over him then you need to go STRAIGHT into NC.

 

YES it will be hard. Yes it will hurt. But it will get easier with time.

 

As to HOW do you start NC? Well you have two ways:

 

Inform the person... vs Showing the person. IMO - informing someone of your intent to NC is the best way to go. Give him that little courtesy and tell him (WHEN HE CALLS)... that right now you need to move on, and its best for the BOTH of you if you not talk 'for a while' (BEST TO LEAVE IT OPENENDED).

 

If he contacts you after that... IGNORE him.

 

OR - you could just start NC right way by SHOWING him i.e. ignoring his attempts to contact/reach you. However this can get messy, bcuz depending on the type of person your ex is he may get very irate & leave you numerous voice msgs demanding to know why you're ignoring/avoiding him. If he DOES that - send him a quick email telling him you are in NC as its best for the both of you. And if he DOESNT complain etc... then all is well.

 

Do not be worried abt whether he will think you are bailing. He already bailed! Remember - HE ended the rel'ship - NOT you. So if he wants to get back together, the ONUS is on HIM to move mountains to get to you.

K.

[J dub]

Very well said, Kengne.

 

Indeed, he will find you and tell you exactly how much he wants you back when he decides to. In the meantime, make a clean break for your own sanity and I promise you will reap the benefits all around.

[Kengne]

Very well said, Kengne.

 

Indeed, he will find you and tell you exactly how much he wants you back when he decides to. In the meantime, make a clean break for your own sanity and I promise you will reap the benefits all around.

 

Thanks Jdub!

 

I have to admit - you are like the NC guru. I read your story with your ex and was like WOW - how did she do it?? have read alot of your posts. You give great advice! I personally have followed it and for the most part it has never steered me wrong!

 

OK - back to work!

 

K.