I never am able to make the transition from dating to having a girlfriend

[Philosopher]

Over the past few years I have had quite a bit of success in getting dates from online dating. I am usually able to get to a second and third date and sometimes a fourth or fifth if I meet a girl I like. However so far I have been completely unable to progress the dating any further than that. The most I have got to is the seventh date. If this had only happened once or twice I would not be that concerned, however since it has happened quite a few times it suggests I am repeatedly doing something wrong. In all but one case the girl I was dating has ended it. In the one case in which I did end it, I am almost certain she would have ended it if I hadn't since when I suggested meeting up she said she was busy and she was taking a lot longer than before to reply to my texts.

 

I have thought of a number of things that I could be doing wrong. Firstly it could be that I am meeting the wrong sort of women. While I have found all the girls I have been on multiple dates interesting, attractive and funny, with all of them there has always been something that I was not sure about, such as some aspect of their personality or background. During the dates I accepted this as I believe you never are going to find whom is ideal for me. Perhaps however in future I should be a bit more picky in this respect.

 

Secondarily it could be that they are not as interested in me as I think they are. With the exception of the last girl I dated, it has always been me whom has set up all the dates and most of the text conversations have been initiated by me. On the other hand with the exception of one of the women I have dated, they have responded favourably if I tried to hold hands, kiss them, etc.

 

Thirdly although I sometimes subtly implied it would be good if they were my girlfriend, I never actually asked them to be my girlfriend or told them explicitly that it would nice if we were boyfriend and girlfriend. Generally my thinking here was that I would wait until it was clearly obvious that it was going well before going exclusive. Should I be asking to go exclusive or at least strongly suggesting that I want to go beyond dating a lot sooner than this?

 

Finally, particularly with the last girl I dated I had some issues with escalating the relationship physically. For example not being able to move onto having sex, due to me not having any condoms readily available. Much of this I think was due to inexperience so I am hoping this will be less of an issue next time.

 

What is that I can do next time to ensure that I have better chance of actually getting a girlfriend?

[preraph]

Well, you are good at dating, so don't beat yourself up. You are either doing something to make them lose interest or you are going out with the wrong type of girls. Let's assume it's the latter (because you can't please everyone, right?). I suggest you go to a good friend, either male or female, or both, and you ask them: Have you seen me doing anything while dating that could be making me blow it and lose the girl? And then listen. Don't argue. Just listen. They may say you're not confident enough or you're too eager or you attract golddiggers because you give too much too soon or that you are trying to date women you have nothing in common with, etc.

 

And remember if you're dating online, you're fishing in a big pond where most of them do not have history in common with you to begin with. The people you have most in common with grew up somewhere near you or in similar circumstances, are very close to your age so that they have the same popular cultural references as you, have comparable work and educational histories and comparable worldliness (have traveled, haven't traveled), and like to do some of the same things.

 

I say the best way to meet someone is by being active in going out and doing the activities you like best, whether it's sports, movies, concerts, clubs, nature hikes or fossil digs, because there you have at least one thing on which to connect that you have in common.

[warshaw]

Bring up the exclusive talk within a month of meeting her if that's what you're feeling. If she balks try to get some answers as to why. Odds are you won't get the truth but at least you can try.

 

Unusual that they'll go out with you several times and then disappear.

 

I agree something is amiss and it can't just be all of these women.

[d0nnivain]

You said you were uncertain about some aspect of most of them. If you are uncertain or not all in, she's not going to want to be all in either.

 

 

If you do find somebody you click with, make sure she knows that she is special to you. You don't to declare your undying love for her early on but do put her on a short pedestal. . . nothing grand. I'm not talking about worshiping her but just letting her know in your eyes she's head & shoulders above other women.

[scooby-philly]

@JP - ok - that's the stupidest response I've ever seen on here and I see plenty of them. Please don't bother responding if you are a player with a deep, unsatiated hatred for women because your father was an abusive, alcoholic, shallow wife beater.

 

 

@OP - I agree with @preraph. I feel the same way to a certain extant. I'm back on OLD for the third time in the past 4 1/2 years. I didn't have a lot of friends growing up so it's a nice tool to use to help expand my circle and meet people I may not meet otherwise. I've gotten 3 numbers in the first 4-5 weeks of being back online now, but 1 didn't really seem that interesting when we talked, 1 never responded when i contacted her - and 1 - just got her number, but she's 6 years older than me and took 2 weeks to respond at one point. She says she was dealing with a sick father - but that's not a real reason not to drop even a 5 second note..... I'm not insensitive. I would have been okay with just a quick note and a "I'll get back to you when I can". I mean - people prove what their priorities and interests are through their words and more importantly - their actions. Leading up to you....

 

You seem to have no problem getting dates. You seem to be attracting at least "normal" women - i.e. I don't hear you complaining that they're crazy, or childish, or x,y,z. Feeling that there's something missing in each case - that's just your gut telling you to be careful and that they're not the one. Don't stop listening to that. It's important to be who you are, throw your values and expectations out there early.

 

That said, you want to know if there's something wrong with you or the type of women you're attracting. Do you have a sister, sister in law, female friend, cousin, aunt, etc. you could go to? Again I think @preraph has a good idea - take a women you trust in your life out for lunch or coffee and just describe what's going on. Perhaps it is something about you or something you say or do. But it's strange....it doesn't come out in the first or second date - always at 5,6,7 - that points to more of the disconnect between what you're looking for and what you catch or the vibe you give off later on -i.e. being yourself, vs. early on and not an issue with how you act or say (i.e. you're not a douche, a player, etc - maybe you are, but I'm just saying it's probably not that). I think a two pronged approach if it's the first point that could be solved by being more selective in who you end up going out with - increase the screening process via email, text, and phone before going out. If it's the second, the solution is as preraph says - focus on getting feedback from other women you know, trust, and love you.

 

Dating right now is tough. People have very different expectations.....all based on how we're raised, where we're raised, and what values and assumptions we carry deep inside us. Don't beat yourself up - just keep moving but be smarter about it. Keep us posted on your progress

[Philosopher]

Thanks all for the replies so far. My gut feeling is that I failed with most of them because I never really offered a relationship to them and so they did not think I was serious about the dating. Hence why I could past dates 1 and 2, but not past date 6 or 7. Part of this probably was because there was always something I was not sure about them. Perhaps it is a sign that I need to be a bit more picky in the future.

 

With two of them I did ask them why they did not want to pursue it but in both cases I got very generic answers, one said she felt no chemistry, the other that she was not ready for a relationship. So this did not really help me much.

[Maggie4]

While I have found all the girls I have been on multiple dates interesting, attractive and funny, with all of them there has always been something that I was not sure about, such as some aspect of their personality or background.

 

There's your answer. You don't really want any of these girls as your girlfriend. When you meet a girl you want, it will happen. Right now it sounds like you just want a gf for the sake of having one. That doesn't work too well, because she has feelings.

[Qboro90]

Thanks all for the replies so far. My gut feeling is that I failed with most of them because I never really offered a relationship to them and so they did not think I was serious about the dating. Hence why I could past dates 1 and 2, but not past date 6 or 7. Part of this probably was because there was always something I was not sure about them. Perhaps it is a sign that I need to be a bit more picky in the future.

 

With two of them I did ask them why they did not want to pursue it but in both cases I got very generic answers, one said she felt no chemistry, the other that she was not ready for a relationship. So this did not really help me much.

 

 

Let me ask you a question. What is the physical part of these dates you go on look like? Do you kiss them? Have you slept with any? If so how long into the dating schedule do you do it?

 

I think that because you're using OLD you have an easy way in to find out what each girl you meet is looking for. Now whether they tell you the truth or not is impossible for me to tell you, it's also quite appropriate to ask in a casual way within your 1st and 3rd date. If I were you I would casually talk about online dating and each of your experiences with it. Can say something like "usually I'm pretty pessimist when it comes to that site but when I got matched with you it was the first time in a while I felt it was with someone who id actually enjoy getting to know". She'll open up and you can probe deeper into what she was looking for but if I were you I would always assume that the girls you go on dates with are ALL, on some level, hoping to find a long term relationship.

 

It's easy to tell the ones who are just looking for casual stuff. If a woman is going on 2+ dates with you, she's telling you that she's open/interested to more. So use that knowledge as confidence so you're not wondering or in your head the entire time.

 

Physical intimacy usually progresses dating into relationships by the way. It's not always true but in my opinion, the majority of women who will sleep with a man, will at some point want to know "where is this going?" . That's just the stigma of society. People, women especially usually will not want to just have sex or be intimate with a man if it's not leading to a relationship at some point. Your best move would be to have her be the one to ask that question. I may be wrong but anytime I've known a guy to ask "so where is this going? Are you looking for something serious" ... It usually ends with the girl having the upper hand and thinking that you're not challenging enough to be a BF.

[Philosopher]

Let me ask you a question. What is the physical part of these dates you go on look like? Do you kiss them? Have you slept with any? If so how long into the dating schedule do you do it?

 

I do usually try to kiss them, usually on the third or fourth date. In all but one case they have reciprocated and with a couple of them it ended up in quite lengthy make out sessions. The one women whom turned down my kiss on both the third and fifth dates said we should get to know each other more. Then on the sixth date she friend-zoned me.

 

I have only slept with one of my dates so far and that was on the fifth date. She largely initiated it and I was not really expecting it. With her I almost certain it would have happened on an earlier date if I had condoms readily available .

 

In my view, physically I would say the dating went reasonable well, given my lack of experience. None of the women I dated started the "where is this relationship going talk", even the one I slept with.

[Mrlonelyone]

OP

You need to accept one thing about OLD. 90% of the people on most OLD sites are not looking for anything serious. Many of them are not even looking to meet up. Many of them are on there just for a sexy chat or the ego boost of getting some likes.

 

Finding a serious partner via OLD is like finding a needle in a haystack.

Edited September 20, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
reply to deleted post ~T

[lino]

I had this problem for all my life until I was nearly 28 and met my now 1st and only serious girl.

 

Had no problems getting dates and forming mini relationships which I saw as moving onto serious but the women merely used as stepping stones to get to where they really wanted to be.

 

My only explanation is luck. Eventually it may happen to you as well.

 

I believe that mainstream media has poisoned the attitudes of a majority of gen Y girls and feel almost like I have won the lottery with mine as she doesn't have many of those terrible characteristics so commonly seen in women now.

 

I think you mentioning you're not 100% sure with some of the women you dated is telling.

 

For a normal, genuine and good hearted guy a lot of women will feel 'off' and most won't appreciate such a guy but there are some decent ones around. Unfortunately most are rarely single so it's a case of being in the right place, right time.

[BronzeAgeJaeger217]

I had this problem for all my life until I was nearly 28 and met my now 1st and only serious girl.

 

Had no problems getting dates and forming mini relationships which I saw as moving onto serious but the women merely used as stepping stones to get to where they really wanted to be.

 

My only explanation is luck. Eventually it may happen to you as well.

 

I believe that mainstream media has poisoned the attitudes of a majority of gen Y girls and feel almost like I have won the lottery with mine as she doesn't have many of those terrible characteristics so commonly seen in women now.

 

I think you mentioning you're not 100% sure with some of the women you dated is telling.

 

For a normal, genuine and good hearted guy a lot of women will feel 'off' and most won't appreciate such a guy but there are some decent ones around. Unfortunately most are rarely single so it's a case of being in the right place, right time.

 

I think you said most of the women you have been with initiated interest in you first right?

[lino]

Yes, most did.

 

However they did so for a self serving purpose. Just really to have someone around while they were waiting for someone they perceived to be better to come along.

 

A very selfish attitude imo but that's how it is unfortunately and they never have to be accountable for their actions.

 

'me, me, me!' girls is a lot of what you have nowadays. Just look at what most of them use social media for as evidence.

[Philosopher]

Yes, most did.

 

However they did so for a self serving purpose. Just really to have someone around while they were waiting for someone they perceived to be better to come along.

 

A very selfish attitude imo but that's how it is unfortunately and they never have to be accountable for their actions.

 

'me, me, me!' girls is a lot of what you have nowadays. Just look at what most of them use social media for as evidence.

 

I have wondered this myself as well with some of the girls I have dated online. At least two of the girls had fairly recently broken up with their ex, so the dates with me could well have been rebound dating. With one of them I remained friends and she got back with ex a couple of months after I was dating her.

 

With another, whom was the most recent girl I dated, I don't think she was on the rebound, however she sometimes was quite flaky when it came to dates as she would suddenly realise that she was busy that day / evening. She also would be rather hot and cold with texting, sometimes she would reply very quickly, but at other times she would not reply at all. This gave me the impression that she was dating someone else at the same time and that I was her backup option.

 

That said I could be wrong on these women being on the rebound or dating other guys at the same time.

[lino]

In my experience, women that are hot/cold with communication are definitely seeing other guys. Whether they be ex's or not, who knows.

 

Another problem is that a lot of women have very few genuine hobbies. For a lot of them, serially dating men is a hobby and honest guys with honest intentions get caught up in that and burned from being used as the 'entertainment for now' guy.

 

If more of those women took up knitting, abseiling, poker, touch rugby, etc instead of serially dating men, the whole scene would be much better.

 

I've never done online dating but I can imagine it'd be a place full of women looking to get over an ex. After all, it's something that guarantees results for them and it takes even less effort than is required for them in real life.

 

Reading what some female members post on this message board about online dating, it looks like shooting fish in a barrel. Some say they easily get 10 different guys lined up waiting to meet them. Does it get any easier than that?

[BronzeAgeJaeger217]

Yes, most did.

 

However they did so for a self serving purpose. Just really to have someone around while they were waiting for someone they perceived to be better to come along.

 

A very selfish attitude imo but that's how it is unfortunately and they never have to be accountable for their actions.

 

'me, me, me!' girls is a lot of what you have nowadays. Just look at what most of them use social media for as evidence.

 

Awesome, glad you found some forward women

[lino]

Women can be forward when they see something they like.

 

Unfortunately I don't act 100% how I appear, if that makes sense