The Other Woman

[LateLastNight]

This isn't me looking for opinions or ranting. I'm just giving my side of the story as 'the other woman'

 

Some people might ask why? Why are you having a 'relationship' with a man that's already in a relationship and the answer I give them is... Why not? That might sound harsh and if he was my other half and he was sleeping around on me I'd probably castrate him but he's not cheating on me, he's cheating with me. There's a difference. I'm not solely reliant on him for affection either, I've seen others, made a post about one of the other guys I was seeing. Maybe you could call the end of that short relationship 'karma' but whatever.

 

How long have I been the 'other woman?' Just under 1 year. I started a new job last October and from the interview me and my boss hit it off... After I started the chemistry between us heightened. We have the same humor, same views, same family background. We have a lot in common and we just hit off... Nothing happened apart from harmless flirting for the first 6 weeks but then we had to go away on business together, to Canada for 2 weeks.

 

We got put up in a apartment as it was cheaper than a hotel... Bad idea. I also want to point out here that neither of us drink. Our first time wasn't because we were both drunk, it was because we were arguing over whether or not motorcycles are a safe mode of transport (They're not but i find guys on them hot) he rides one. It's hot. He has tattoos. I love tattoos. Seriously, it was like my walking dream meeting this guy. Plus runners body... I'll get off of his good parts now and back to the story.

 

We kissed each other that time or at least I don't know who kissed who. The morning after the night before was a little awkward (Giving that we were living in the same apartment) He stayed out with some of the guys from Canada that night, avoided me, so I avoided him the next day but then by the end of the week we were arguing again over something stupid and this time he kissed me (we argue a lot) from there it kind of progressed. He told me he had a gf that had not long moved in with him. I told him I didn't want to marry him and that it didn't bother me if it didn't bother him. Only thing I was bothered about was my job. He said not to worry about that.

 

We have to travel for business together a lot, we get a lot of time together. It's fun. I enjoy it and so does he. Are things in the office awkward? No, we bitch at each other constantly, half of our co-workers think we hate each other and I think the other half wonder when he'll sack me. Other colleagues believe we hate each other so much that they talk to me about how much they hate him (he's quite high up in the company, a lot of people resent him cause he's quite young) I take great pleasure in going back and telling him what they've said. I never tell him who has said it. He knows better than to ask cause I won't tell him. But work hasn't changed for us, the only thing that is different is when we walk beside each other we walk a little closer. When we're in meetings though he sits far away and I usually stand at the other side of the room.

 

I'm not worried about my job, even if things do go sour. He won't sack me and I won't quit. Our work time is completely separate. I only see him outside of our travelling about once a week for a few hours after work but that's enough for me. I'm not looking for anything else, I'm not looking to settle down, I'm enjoying having fun with him... I get to have my cake and eat it too.

 

The only other person that knows is my best friend. I need someone to chat to. She asks if I feel bad for the GF. I don't. I'm not doing anything wrong. I've never met her and I don't plan on meeting her. She can live her life happy and I'll live mine.

 

I'm actually heading off with him again at the start of October. I don't know how she feels about the fact he travels so often with a female colleague. We don't discuss her at all. I only recently found out her name and that was just by chance, I overhead a phonecall he had with someone.

 

I don't know how much longer it'll last but I'll ride the wave until the end. I'm not in love with him. It's not going to break my heart when we end. He doesn't love me either. It's attraction, lust and it's fun. We're both happy.

[warshaw]

That was very informative, thanks for the effort.

[Zagan]

Does he have kids?

[LateLastNight]

Does he have kids?

No

 

He doesn't have any kids.

 

That was very informative, thanks for the effort.

 

I could give you more detail about the sex if you want.

[Angelita]

Yeah your playing with fire and you don't even realize it yet. All the affairs start out the same and they all end the same.

 

It's better you end it now before your feelings get involved. Trust me I'm speaking from experience. Affairs never end well.

[SoleMate]

Hello OP - Do you have a question for us? What are you looking for on Loveshack?

[jen1447]

This does sound like that particular form of animosity-based attraction (what with the arguments and antagonism at the heart of it). Those seem to make up a disproportionate amount of affairs, which makes me wonder what it is about dislike that's appealing lol. Must be something.

[sweet_pea]

Hey, at least you're honest and don't pretend to feel bad about being the AP. Gotta give props for that.

[LateLastNight]

This does sound like that particular form of animosity-based attraction (what with the arguments and antagonism at the heart of it). Those seem to make up a disproportionate amount of affairs, which makes me wonder what it is about dislike that's appealing lol. Must be something.

 

I can't lie. Most of my previous relationships have been built on animosity-based attraction. I enjoy pushing peoples buttons and a good argument at times and in the past it has always led to something more for me. I have no idea why that is. I had a relationship with someone for ten years. I think it was probably getting out of it that did it.

[TaraMaiden2]

I think there's also a 'control' element here. You're in a far better, stronger and more powerful position to manipulate the relationship more to your advantage than his.

For a start, he has more to lose. That in itself may provide a sexual frisson for you.

[jen1447]

I think there's also a 'control' element here. You're in a far better, stronger and more powerful position to manipulate the relationship more to your advantage than his.

For a start, he has more to lose. That in itself may provide a sexual frisson for you.

Hm, interesting thought. Increased sexual tension due to not just risk, but a degree of subtle dominion due to the power dynamics. (Push and pull, with the sub being in the power position. Some ppl like to lord their power over others and get off on that, esp if it's a switch.)

 

I can't lie. Most of my previous relationships have been built on animosity-based attraction. I enjoy pushing peoples buttons and a good argument at times and in the past it has always led to something more for me. I have no idea why that is. I had a relationship with someone for ten years. I think it was probably getting out of it that did it.

 

I think that may go a long way toward explaining your inclination for affairs then, also your lack of remorse. Those are just your sensibilities.

 

Can I ask if you push this guy around? Do you like deliberately put him in compromising positions and so on?

[Sassy Girl]

I can't lie. Most of my previous relationships have been built on animosity-based attraction. I enjoy pushing peoples buttons and a good argument at times and in the past it has always led to something more for me. I have no idea why that is. I had a relationship with someone for ten years. I think it was probably getting out of it that did it.

 

Well that explains the thread then.

Good luck to you.

[minimariah]

That might sound harsh and if he was my other half and he was sleeping around on me I'd probably castrate him...

 

just my observation - but i ALWAYS hear or read stuff like this from the APs.

 

"i'd kill him if he did that to me. i'd castrate him. i'd take him to the cleaners."

 

what is up with that?

 

She can live her life happy and I'll live mine.

 

what happens if she finds out & comes down to your work to make a scene?

 

I don't know how she feels about the fact he travels so often with a female colleague.

 

do you think he tells her the truth about traveling with a female colleague?

 

I don't know how much longer it'll last but I'll ride the wave until the end. I'm not in love with him.

 

why are you not in love with him...? you have a lot in common, you're attracted to each other and you like each other... there is obviously some fun banter there - so WHY aren't you in love with him?

 

We're both happy.

 

then what is the point of this post...? please, don't take this as an attack. it's really not. i'm just genuinely curious about folks who are happy and have the need to justify and explain their happiness to a bunch of strangers on a Forum.

 

you're happily in an affair, you're calm & satisfied, no doubts, no feelings... so why are you here...? on this Forum, where people usually go looking for support and advice and help...? what pushes you to discuss and write about this affair - especially when there aren't any emotions involved (according to you)?

[BlueBlood]

Why isn't she in love with him? Oh the line that popped into my head:

 

Everything in the world is about sex except sex. Sex is about power.

 

Oscar Wilde.

[LateLastNight]

I think there's also a 'control' element here. You're in a far better, stronger and more powerful position to manipulate the relationship more to your advantage than his.

For a start, he has more to lose. That in itself may provide a sexual frisson for you.

 

I'm not controlling him and I've never used our situation to our advantage in fact he lets me get away with far less than everyone else.

 

Hm, interesting thought. Increased sexual tension due to not just risk, but a degree of subtle dominion due to the power dynamics. (Push and pull, with the sub being in the power position. Some ppl like to lord their power over others and get off on that, esp if it's a switch.)

 

 

 

I think that may go a long way toward explaining your inclination for affairs then, also your lack of remorse. Those are just your sensibilities.

 

Can I ask if you push this guy around? Do you like deliberately put him in compromising positions and so on?

 

Nope, I've never done this.

 

just my observation - but i ALWAYS hear or read stuff like this from the APs.

 

"i'd kill him if he did that to me. i'd castrate him. i'd take him to the cleaners."

 

what is up with that?

 

I just wouldn't put up with that kind of thing if the shoe was on the other foot

 

 

 

what happens if she finds out & comes down to your work to make a scene?

 

We work in a very secure building. She wouldn't get in. She'd be making a scene in the parking lot and he'd have to go deal with it.

 

do you think he tells her the truth about traveling with a female colleague?

 

Yes, I believe she knows he goes away with me. Does she know when we have to share an apartment? No.

 

 

 

why are you not in love with him...? you have a lot in common, you're attracted to each other and you like each other... there is obviously some fun banter there - so WHY aren't you in love with him?

 

The 'love' feelings have just never developed, I don't know why, Maybe it's because I know he's not mine. I don't know. I've never thought about it that much.

 

Why isn't she in love with him? Oh the line that popped into my head:

 

Everything in the world is about sex except sex. Sex is about power.

 

Oscar Wilde.

 

Sex is about sex. I don't have any power in this scenario. I mean... obviously I do because he's my boss but it's not something I've ever exploited.

[minimariah]

I just wouldn't put up with that kind of thing if the shoe was on the other foot...

 

understandable, i was just curious about the violent language.

 

instead of saying "if he did that to me, i'd dump him" - affair partners always go to the extremes. it's really interesting.

 

She'd be making a scene in the parking lot and he'd have to go deal with it.

 

so she can't get in the building pretending she's a client or a visitor?

 

what if she confronts YOU at the parking lot...?

 

Yes, I believe she knows he goes away with me.

 

and why do you believe that?

 

I've never thought about it that much.

 

and why didn't you think about it? thinking about future is normal in longer relationships -- why did you miss that phase?

 

you seem to miss the "i want more" phase - why? because you know he won't leave the girlfriend for you or because you wouldn't want him as a normal partner?

Edited September 13, 2015 by minimariah

[LateLastNight]

so she can't get in the building pretending she's a client or a visitor?

 

what if she confronts YOU at the parking lot...?

 

She doesn't know what I look like and we only allow scheduled people into the building. If they're not expected they don't get in, unless someone that works in the building walks them in.

 

 

 

and why do you believe that?

 

Just a feeling. I don't have evidence of this because I've never asked but i believe so.

 

 

 

and why didn't you think about it? thinking about future is normal in longer relationships -- why did you miss that phase?

 

you seem to miss the "i want more" phase - why? because you know he won't leave the girlfriend for you or because you wouldn't want him as a normal partner?

 

I got out of a relationship that was over 10 years, in fact it was closer to 12. I'm not looking for anything serious or long term commitment. I'm looking for fun. I was with the 10+ years guy from age of 12.

[gettingstronger]

My only thoughts on this is that you are young and starting bad work habits- from the way it sounds you and your boss are a distraction to others at work (half think we hate each other, etc....) toxic work relationships seldom lead to productive work places- your co-workers are effected by your games and for you its fun- a way to get attention-but the work place is for work- not messaging the ego of a 20 something and mid-life crisis boss-

 

I find it unfortunate for all involved-

[warshaw]

It's really bad judgement to have a workplace affair, or relationship because when and if things go sour, and most of the time they do, its going to make for an awkward, uncomfortable situation at best.

 

Don't think he won't find a reason to can you, he's deceptive to his live in girlfriend, why would he be honest with you, who is nothing more than some sort of sex plaything?

[sweet_pea]

Yeah, not sure why you think you're not susceptible to being fired or facing consequences for this relationship. Just because he tells you or you think you won't, doesn't make it so. Especially when certain situations come up (i.e.: getting caught). I also wonder what kind of policy your workplace has for relationships amongst co-workers.

[Got it]

Yeah, not sure why you think you're not susceptible to being fired or facing consequences for this relationship. Just because he tells you or you think you won't, doesn't make it so. Especially when certain situations come up (i.e.: getting caught). I also wonder what kind of policy your workplace has for relationships amongst co-workers.

 

In recent years many companies are pulling back on managing/dictating policies around workplace dating. It is very prevalent and only growing.

 

BUT

 

The one policy most companies have is supervisor/subordinate dating. A direct report dating a supervisor brings a host of issues with it and most companies do not allow it. They expect employees to let them know they are dating so the company can separate the two, if they don't it is a potential terminable offense (though it is usually the higher person who is terminated as they are the one with the greater responsibility and the one who is putting the company at risk for a host of issues).

 

So, the OP may not be terminated but it doesn't mean, if they are direct reports, there aren't issues for one if not both if it comes out.

[truncated]

So, the OP may not be terminated but it doesn't mean, if they are direct reports, there aren't issues for one if not both if it comes out.

 

True enough.

 

One of the most important things in a workplace is a feeling of being a "team" and trust in your fellow employees. There's also the issue of whether the "powers that be" fee like they can trust you.

 

For many, being the ow to a married boss ( or one with a long term girlfriend) is reason enough not to trust someone. People know what the lay of the land is ( no pun intended) and even if you are not aware of it, they will judge you accordingly. You may not see a problem with affairs, but i can pretty much guarantee that among your fellow coworkers, there are many who do.

 

The result can be a toxic workplace, and who wants that? Is this guy really worth that?

[Sassy Girl]

True enough.

 

One of the most important things in a workplace is a feeling of being a "team" and trust in your fellow employees. There's also the issue of whether the "powers that be" fee like they can trust you.

 

For many, being the ow to a married boss ( or one with a long term girlfriend) is reason enough not to trust someone. People know what the lay of the land is ( no pun intended) and even if you are not aware of it, they will judge you accordingly. You may not see a problem with affairs, but i can pretty much guarantee that among your fellow coworkers, there are many who do.

 

The result can be a toxic workplace, and who wants that? Is this guy really worth that?

 

Not to mention, strangely enough, these things are not balanced when it comes out. More often than not it's the woman's reputation which is in tatters. And the stigma follows them around- especially if it's a small workplace or a tight industry. Notice how only women get branded 'home wrecker' .

 

I was an OW, I chose it for similar reasons to OP (selfish, wanted to, didn't think about BS) but I had limits to it and there was no way in hell I would ever start a workplace affair. I've worked too hard to build my career and reputation and there's no way I'd jeopardise it for some cheap sex with someone I didn't care about. I care about my career more than I did about MM.

 

But hey, it's not the first time a boss has been diddling the junior staffer. Won't be the last. It's just awfully cliched don't you think?

[Zagan]

Maybe he goes home and tells his wife about the easy chick he's banging at work who thinks she's in control and then they laugh and screw all night because it's their turn on. Ya never know

[clam]

Well, isn't this a nice story?

 

Let us know how it turns out.