The Other Woman

[Lady2163]

This isn't me looking for opinions or ranting. I'm just giving my side of the story as 'the other woman'

 

Some people might ask why? Why are you having a 'relationship' with a man that's already in a relationship and the answer I give them is... Why not? That might sound harsh and if he was my other half and he was sleeping around on me I'd probably castrate him but he's not cheating on me, he's cheating with me. There's a difference. I'm not solely reliant on him for affection either, I've seen others, made a post about one of the other guys I was seeing. Maybe you could call the end of that short relationship 'karma' but whatever.

 

How long have I been the 'other woman?' Just under 1 year. I started a new job last October and from the interview me and my boss hit it off... After I started the chemistry between us heightened. We have the same humor, same views, same family background. We have a lot in common and we just hit off... Nothing happened apart from harmless flirting for the first 6 weeks but then we had to go away on business together, to Canada for 2 weeks.

 

We got put up in a apartment as it was cheaper than a hotel... Bad idea. I also want to point out here that neither of us drink. Our first time wasn't because we were both drunk, it was because we were arguing over whether or not motorcycles are a safe mode of transport (They're not but i find guys on them hot) he rides one. It's hot. He has tattoos. I love tattoos. Seriously, it was like my walking dream meeting this guy. Plus runners body... I'll get off of his good parts now and back to the story.

 

We kissed each other that time or at least I don't know who kissed who. The morning after the night before was a little awkward (Giving that we were living in the same apartment) He stayed out with some of the guys from Canada that night, avoided me, so I avoided him the next day but then by the end of the week we were arguing again over something stupid and this time he kissed me (we argue a lot) from there it kind of progressed. He told me he had a gf that had not long moved in with him. I told him I didn't want to marry him and that it didn't bother me if it didn't bother him. Only thing I was bothered about was my job. He said not to worry about that.

 

We have to travel for business together a lot, we get a lot of time together. It's fun. I enjoy it and so does he. Are things in the office awkward? No, we bitch at each other constantly, half of our co-workers think we hate each other and I think the other half wonder when he'll sack me. Other colleagues believe we hate each other so much that they talk to me about how much they hate him (he's quite high up in the company, a lot of people resent him cause he's quite young) I take great pleasure in going back and telling him what they've said. I never tell him who has said it. He knows better than to ask cause I won't tell him. But work hasn't changed for us, the only thing that is different is when we walk beside each other we walk a little closer. When we're in meetings though he sits far away and I usually stand at the other side of the room.

 

I'm not worried about my job, even if things do go sour. He won't sack me and I won't quit. Our work time is completely separate. I only see him outside of our travelling about once a week for a few hours after work but that's enough for me. I'm not looking for anything else, I'm not looking to settle down, I'm enjoying having fun with him... I get to have my cake and eat it too.

 

The only other person that knows is my best friend. I need someone to chat to. She asks if I feel bad for the GF. I don't. I'm not doing anything wrong. I've never met her and I don't plan on meeting her. She can live her life happy and I'll live mine.

 

I'm actually heading off with him again at the start of October. I don't know how she feels about the fact he travels so often with a female colleague. We don't discuss her at all. I only recently found out her name and that was just by chance, I overhead a phonecall he had with someone.

 

I don't know how much longer it'll last but I'll ride the wave until the end. I'm not in love with him. It's not going to break my heart when we end. He doesn't love me either. It's attraction, lust and it's fun. We're both happy.

 

Wow. I'm thinking you like drama, being the center of attention and pulling the wool over people's eyes. Might want to take a couple of online tests and rule out being a sociopath, narcissist or both. I think you're a fledgling possibility.

 

People are not near as stupid as you think. When I was a boss dating one of my employees, even though we tried to hide it by the occasional squabble, my one employee who didn't speak a lot of English, really honed in on our body language.

 

I'm not even going to rag on you for being an OW. I don't very often do that, anyway. I would just think your personality would be exhausting after a while.

[kenmore]

just my observation - but i ALWAYS hear or read stuff like this from the APs.

 

"i'd kill him if he did that to me. i'd castrate him. i'd take him to the cleaners."

 

what is up with that?

 

Well, at least they are willing to give him a ride to the cleaners. That's thoughtful.

[Raena]

As much as you'd like to think that no one you work with notices what's happening between you two, it's highly likely that some or all of them have already figured it out and talk about it behind your back. It happened at my job. Older boss, younger female subordinate... they thought they had it all under wraps but they didn't. We ALL knew what was going on. Honestly... the squabbling actually is a dead give away rather than a deterrent. It's that much more obvious... kind of like the boy in 3rd grade pulling the hair of the girl he really likes and making fun of her.... he doesn't hate her... he likes her.

[gettingstronger]

As much as you'd like to think that no one you work with notices what's happening between you two, it's highly likely that some or all of them have already figured it out and talk about it behind your back. It happened at my job. Older boss, younger female subordinate... they thought they had it all under wraps but they didn't. We ALL knew what was going on. Honestly... the squabbling actually is a dead give away rather than a deterrent. It's that much more obvious... kind of like the boy in 3rd grade pulling the hair of the girl he really likes and making fun of her.... he doesn't hate her... he likes her.

 

Agree- and its possible you are not the first newbie he has done this with so to them its the same old, same old- just be really careful of what you do and how it will effect you in the long run- unhealthy relationships tend to have long term effects on people-

[Lois_Griffin]

As much as you'd like to think that no one you work with notices what's happening between you two, it's highly likely that some or all of them have already figured it out and talk about it behind your back. It happened at my job. Older boss, younger female subordinate... they thought they had it all under wraps but they didn't. We ALL knew what was going on. Honestly... the squabbling actually is a dead give away rather than a deterrent. It's that much more obvious... kind of like the boy in 3rd grade pulling the hair of the girl he really likes and making fun of her.... he doesn't hate her... he likes her.

LOL. I remember being 22 and thinking I knew it all.

 

Of course the people in the office know their little secret. How naïve to think they don't.

[LateLastNight]

Not to mention, strangely enough, these things are not balanced when it comes out. More often than not it's the woman's reputation which is in tatters. And the stigma follows them around- especially if it's a small workplace or a tight industry. Notice how only women get branded 'home wrecker' .

 

I was an OW, I chose it for similar reasons to OP (selfish, wanted to, didn't think about BS) but I had limits to it and there was no way in hell I would ever start a workplace affair. I've worked too hard to build my career and reputation and there's no way I'd jeopardise it for some cheap sex with someone I didn't care about. I care about my career more than I did about MM.

 

But hey, it's not the first time a boss has been diddling the junior staffer. Won't be the last. It's just awfully cliched don't you think?

 

Cliched but trust me... it's worth it.

 

Maybe he goes home and tells his wife about the easy chick he's banging at work who thinks she's in control and then they laugh and screw all night because it's their turn on. Ya never know

 

That's a pretty weird turn on but it that's what they do then that's up to them... I'm still getting what I want from it.

 

Wow. I'm thinking you like drama, being the center of attention and pulling the wool over people's eyes. Might want to take a couple of online tests and rule out being a sociopath, narcissist or both. I think you're a fledgling possibility.

 

People are not near as stupid as you think. When I was a boss dating one of my employees, even though we tried to hide it by the occasional squabble, my one employee who didn't speak a lot of English, really honed in on our body language.

 

I'm not even going to rag on you for being an OW. I don't very often do that, anyway. I would just think your personality would be exhausting after a while.

 

Thanks for your input but I have no personality disorders. Perfectly sane. Thanks for your concern though.

 

As much as you'd like to think that no one you work with notices what's happening between you two, it's highly likely that some or all of them have already figured it out and talk about it behind your back. It happened at my job. Older boss, younger female subordinate... they thought they had it all under wraps but they didn't. We ALL knew what was going on. Honestly... the squabbling actually is a dead give away rather than a deterrent. It's that much more obvious... kind of like the boy in 3rd grade pulling the hair of the girl he really likes and making fun of her.... he doesn't hate her... he likes her.

 

I'm pretty confident no one knows, we're really good at keeping it low key.

 

Agree- and its possible you are not the first newbie he has done this with so to them its the same old, same old- just be really careful of what you do and how it will effect you in the long run- unhealthy relationships tend to have long term effects on people-

 

Possible.

 

LOL. I remember being 22 and thinking I knew it all.

 

Of course the people in the office know their little secret. How naïve to think they don't.

 

Pretty sure they don't. It would have been brought up by now if they did. They wouldn't pay to send us away together on business either I don't think.

[minimariah]

Cliched but trust me... it's worth it.

 

why is it worth it to you? what is the reason you consider this relationship WORTH something? folks usually say it's worth it because they're in love, love each other & work toward a future together... but for the life of me, i don't see what are you getting from this man that you can't get from anyone else.

 

also -- did you think about your possible future together? would that be something you'd like to try?

[jen1447]

why is it worth it to you? what is the reason you consider this relationship WORTH something? folks usually say it's worth it because they're in love, love each other & work toward a future together... but for the life of me, i don't see what are you getting from this man that you can't get from anyone else.

 

I think you know mimi ....GAZ!

[Grapesofwrath]

LLN: Given your youth, and lack of experience with relationships, I think you are unable to appreciate the gravity of your situation. Of course your coworkers know about your workplace affair. So let's move on from that...

 

If you live in the US, your AP has gotten himself into quite a pickle here, and is demonstrating some horrendous judgment. As other posters have mentioned, there are many laws in this country governing workplace behavior when it comes to romantic entanglements between bosses and their employees. To be blunt, it's a big no-no. And he likely knows it, which is part of the fun for him. Given that you work in a secured building, I'm guessing this is a legitimate business where employees are expected to follow the law. He appears to value neither his relationship, his career, or you.

 

If this scenario is fun for you, and you don't mind taking these risks, then I would encourage you to keep that in mind when the whole thing unravels.

[unluckycharms]

I'm saying this with the best intentions as a young woman in a male-dominated professional setting who has seen this before - people know you are sleeping together. It probably shows on a level you're not aware of, such as your body language or your comfort levels when you speak with each other. Please consider that this man may (and likely does) pursue all the cute new girls in the office, in which case the older folks are just sighing and nodding their heads as they see him chase girl #5.

 

If you are as unattached to him as you say and are dating other people then it should not be hard to let him go in order to protect your workplace reputation. Most people will "forgive" you for what they view as you being manipulated by the creepy older boss for a few months, but if you continue with the relationship they will start to question your judgment.

[Lady2163]

Cliched but trust me... it's worth it.

 

 

 

 

Thanks for your input but I have no personality disorders. Perfectly sane. Thanks for your concern though.

 

 

.

 

There is a huge difference between sane, insane and personality disorders. They aren't interchangeable words.

 

John Hinkley - insane

Ted Buny - sane

Charles Manson - sane.

 

Sane and Insane are strictly legal terms. I know how you're using the word sane here, but it is a lot like saying "colored" instead of "African American"

 

Healthy people don't try to fool people to the extent you do. Healthy people don't have to lie and manipulate to their coworkers. You are either really immature or have a burgeoning personality disorder. Since our brains don't fully mature until our mid 20s, it could be an either/or situation.

 

Body language and micro expressions are not easily controlled. Human beings smile when they see a person they like/love. Our eyes are drawn to them when they walk into a room or area where we are. It is only for a millisecond, but other people process your responses to each other.

 

But, I remember being 22 and knowing everything. Enjoy the ride, but be prepared for the crash. Start saving money now, you may be jobless in another year.

[Midwestmissy]

Wow. I'm 46 and when I worked in a large company, everyone knew who was sleeping with whom. You're not that sly, it shows. And at my work, it was always man/boss woman/subordinate. And it got ugly every single time. Sex in the office happens because it's there. Like the candy jar, or the coffee maker or the water cooler. Walk by and grab some. Easy and convenient. Free ***** at work. Hotels paid for by the company. He's lying to his wife and he's lying to you. And you're lying to yourself. Your reputation will suffer more than his, unfair but true. This site exists because the inevitable fall out from these situations always happens and then folks want to vent and talk about it. My cheater thought his was the only sexual affair in the history of the universe that would have no consequences. The pain that it caused affected so many people.

Edited September 16, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Got it]

Wow. I'm 46 and when I worked in a large company, everyone knew who was sleeping with whom. You're not that sly, it shows. And at my work, it was always man/boss woman/subordinate. And it got ugly every single time. Sex in the office happens because it's there. Like the candy jar, or the coffee maker or the water cooler. Walk by and grab some. Easy and convenient. Free ***** at work. Hotels paid for by the company. He's lying to his wife and he's lying to you. And you're lying to yourself. Your reputation will suffer more than his, unfair but true. This site exists because the inevitable fall out from these situations always happens and then folks want to vent and talk about it. My cheater thought his was the only sexual affair in the history of the universe that would have no consequences. The pain that it caused affected so many people.

 

Wow, this is one extreme but this is not the norm. In my line of work, employee behavior and yes dating/affairs comes up. It is not seen as the Scarlet Letter and it just par for the course. You separate, discipline and move on. If there are issues with a manager overstepping then, yes, the manager could be terminated, but dating/affairs are no different. Most companies have zero interest in getting into people's personal lives and do not take a moral stance on affairs. The gossip is squashed and life moves on. If you are a high producer then it is forgotten faster.

 

We are a global company and with that size these things are pretty run of the mill. Sure, there is gossip, but it is short lived and life moves on for the company. We are worried about areas that put the company at risk so outside of that everyone is counseled to just keep their personal lives out of work, mind your own business and generally just focus on the work.

Edited September 16, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Midwestmissy]

The work part didn't get ugly, it was the fact that the personal stuff took energy away from work in the form of chatter. It was the head office of a huge company in the entertainment/electronics space and the culture at the time was a leftover from the swinging 70s. So all the upper management were screwing around, therefore no rules. They've all left (retired, died), as did I, and I'm sure now there are different corporate cultures in place there. But it was sad to watch families break up as a result of what often times was just sex on the company dime.

 

So as for the op, I remember the smug looks of the cheaters who thought they were winning, but I also remember the spouses whose lives were broken. There's always fallout, sadly.

[stillafool]

You never answered why you felt the need to post about your affair. It would seem to me that you are content in the affair, you have a best friend to talk to about it so what is your purpose to post here?

 

I'm glad you aren't emotionally involved with your boss this way you will have no trouble when he stops having sex with you and moves on to a newer younger employee.

[Midwestmissy]

Still a fool, the next one may not be younger or good looking (my cheater's married coworker was neither) but she may just blow prettier sunshine up his butt. I didn't appreciate the bad decisions my husband made, but it was easy to find someone who in the office who told him every little thing he did was magic. It was just easier to believe her than to man up and make responsible adult decisions that required effort and were challenging, ie, life.

 

Needless to say, that affair didn't end well, and the ow, who was the breadwinner, now works 2 low level jobs to support her husband and family. That man and 4 kids have a very different lifestyle, which for teens finishing high school is rough. It's not fair to them. I get it - there's no way I would have thought about any of this when I was 22, single, no mortgage, self sufficient. May the op knows deep down that this isn't good for her. Maybe an inner voice is whispering to her. I hope so. She's young and should have wings on her feet to inhale life in ways that won't hurt her personally or professionally. She can have a sexual blast without a mm. I'm rooting for her, maybe because I started a new antidepressant this week, lol.

Edited September 16, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed derogatory word

[bkn2121]

I definitely would be more concerned with your job than you are. You think no one knows, but that's only because no one has said anything to you. You also think that the W can't blow this thing out of the water if she finds out. You're naive. That's not bashing you, it's a warning.

 

If the W finds out and is hurt enough to expose you and her H, you could get reprimanded at work. She doesn't have go to your building to out you. She can call or email someone. She could even call, make an appointment and enter the building that way. I mean, do you think you're immune to it somehow?

 

If you're going to be sneaking around with someone, you might want to consider the real consequences that COULD happen. It doesn't mean they will (though, as far as affairs are concerned, if it goes on long enough - the W will find out) but it means they could. Are you prepared for that to possibly happen?

[Sub]

So, OP is having sex with someone and enjoying it. (Seems like the gist of the thread.) Me, too.

[Got it]

You never answered why you felt the need to post about your affair. It would seem to me that you are content in the affair, you have a best friend to talk to about it so what is your purpose to post here?

 

I'm glad you aren't emotionally involved with your boss this way you will have no trouble when he stops having sex with you and moves on to a newer younger employee.

 

Why does someone have to explain/justify why they are posting their story? When did that become a prerequisite of posting on LS? Are there set perimeters that one must fulfill to be allowed to post?

 

Maybe she wanted to post her story to give another perspective.

 

I find this question to be very insulting to those that post for any other reason than doom and gloom and seeking help. I posted my story and was asked the same thing because I wasn't bemoaning the situation. Well phooey, I can post if I darn well feel like it.

[Got it]

The work part didn't get ugly, it was the fact that the personal stuff took energy away from work in the form of chatter. It was the head office of a huge company in the entertainment/electronics space and the culture at the time was a leftover from the swinging 70s. So all the upper management were screwing around, therefore no rules. They've all left (retired, died), as did I, and I'm sure now there are different corporate cultures in place there. But it was sad to watch families break up as a result of what often times was just sex on the company dime.

 

So as for the op, I remember the smug looks of the cheaters who thought they were winning, but I also remember the spouses whose lives were broken. There's always fallout, sadly.

 

But that is not what you said in your prior post. You said that the work part did get ugly, it basically always gets ugly and that the woman will be punished more severely.

 

Since the first post was about the doom and gloom that happens in the workplace, not in someone's personal marriage, it didn't seem like you did witness much fall out.

 

The reason I am pushing this point is the fantasy stories, like Fox News, people post about these horror stories in a number of genres including workplace affairs. But I have actually never seen these stories to be the general norm. Now, yes, key position or people it could be these worst case scenarios, but the average person, not really. I am not saying go out and have one it's a free for all, but they are really not seen as any different than workplace dating. It will vary as a religious organization will take a higher stance, but a run of the mill large company has bigger fish to fry than an annoyance like two people dating/affair. Unless they get pulled into it in some way then a company will usually look to just move on.

 

No one is negating that there isn't personal fall out. That has never been disputed when an affair is exposed. But since the OP is single and is dealing with the workplace, under those perimeters, that part isn't germane to her as much. That is where I have argued he has far more to lose than she. Why he is paid the "big bucks".

[minimariah]

Why does someone have to explain/justify why they are posting their story?

 

they don't. you can choose NOT to answer those questions you don't like.

 

When did that become a prerequisite of posting on LS?

 

it didn't.

 

Are there set perimeters that one must fulfill to be allowed to post?

 

there are, yes.

 

I find this question to be very insulting to those that post for any other reason than doom and gloom and seeking help.

 

there is absolutely nothing insulting about the question. it's completely normal for folks to ask about the motivation behind someone's post & the point of the thread so they can give whatever the poster is asking for & lead the discussion in the right direction.

 

Well phooey, I can post if I darn well feel like it.

 

& just like that - folks can ask you WHY did you post it if they darn well feel like it and you will deal.

[Got it]

they don't. you can choose NOT to answer those questions you don't like.

 

 

 

it didn't.

 

 

 

there are, yes.

 

 

 

there is absolutely nothing insulting about the question. it's completely normal for folks to ask about the motivation behind someone's post & the point of the thread so they can give whatever the poster is asking for & lead the discussion in the right direction.

 

 

 

& just like that - folks can ask you WHY did you post it if they darn well feel like it and you will deal.

 

Okay, and when people ignore it is asked again. Why? Who cares why someone is posting?

 

 

And I disagree, I find it very insulting.

[jen1447]

A genuine inquiry that's intended to gather more info so as to better address the OP's needs is fine IMO, but rhetorical questions designed to shame or isolate the OP aren't. Likewise when the question's posed mainly to demonstrate the responder's frustration or lack of sympathy or identification with the OP's premise.

[Grapesofwrath]

Workplace romances happen. If you put people together, they are going to find a way to get busy. Some develop friendships, some fall in love, some get married, some sleep together one time, some have As, whatever. No one is surprised by any of that.

 

Having just completed my annual Sexual Harassment Law training at work, however, I can tell you that, in the US, boss/subordinate relationships are dangerous because there is an inherent power dynamic present that does not exist otherwise. The OP's AP should know this. He has made himself, and his company, vulnerable to a sexual harassment lawsuit. Even if it starts out as a welcome involvement, that doesn't preclude a lawsuit later. That's why it's a no-no. Companies don't particularly care about marital status, sexual orientation, or any other factors in workplace relationships because there are no financial repercussions to that. They do care, however, when employees make them vulnerable to costly lawsuits. I have seen this happen multiple times in my career.