Fiance chose her parents over our relationship

[justsounsure]

And this isn't one of those "her parents didn't approve of me and she sided with them things".

 

My ex-fiance is in her early 30s, was living in my city when I met her on a long-term work assignment, and long story short, when the work assignment ended, after about 2 months of unemployment she decided that she needed to go home. 2000 miles away. Indefinitely. And she wants me quit my job and come with her.

 

All because, she refuses to build her future life anywhere that is not within less than an hour's driving distance from her parents.

 

No one is sick, no one needs to be taken care of. I am "the love of her life" and she can't see herself with anyone else, but if I can't live near her parents, then we can't be together. Because she needs to create her future the "right way", and she "needs her family".

 

My argument is, and continues to be, that I am going to be her family. That major life decisions, like location and employment, need to be made by US, not dictated by whether or not this means we will be in the same city as her parents.

 

This is unacceptable to her. So, long story short, we have broken up. She has moved back with her parents, still unemployed, and I am back here, still just working, and heartbroken.

 

I don't even know how to handle this. She accuses me of choosing the "safe" route (staying at my high paying job), rather than quitting and moving to be with her and her parents. I don't have the heart to quip back with the fact that I am choosing the "stable" and "wise" route ... and in fact, what is a 31 year old woman wanting to live the rest of her life with her parents, even at the cost of losing the love of her life, if anything but "safe"? I want to tell her to cut the cord already.

 

I don't. I imagine she already feels abnormal enough. So, I guess I just have to get over this one?

[nescafe1982]

That's so sad, OP. How heartbreaking that she is so inflexible. My sense is that there must be more behind her refusal to negotiate on this one. It's probably for the best that you discovered this incompatibility before the big day. It'd be pretty difficult to carry on any kind of long-term relationship with someone who is so tied to one place that they would sooner break up with their spouse than deal with change. At least this didn't happen 8 years from now, when you get a promotion that means a move, right?

 

But that doesn't make it suck any less. Really, really terrible thing too go through over something that seems so trivial.

 

Take care of yourself. Be around friends and people who care about you.

[justsounsure]

At least this didn't happen 8 years from now, when you get a promotion that means a move, right?

 

Right. That was another point I would make. Let's say that I moved to be with her right now. What happens if 5 years down the line, now we have kids, and I get a promotion and we have to move clear across the country? Is she staying behind to be with her parents??

 

What if her parents decide to retire in Palm Beach? Do we have to pack up and move to Palm Beach? Where does it end?

 

The funny thing about your comment of "trivial", is that, if you talk to her, it's life or death. There is no way, no how, that she can in good faith create her future somewhere without her parents.

 

She actually compared our needs like this: "You need sleep" (because I like to sleep in on Saturdays), "I need my family".

 

The situation is apparently so dire, it is being compared to the human need of sleep.

 

When I talk about the subject, it all seems so ridiculous, like something I should just rationally get over. It's so hard when I am just over the moon for this woman in every other aspect of life. I don't know that anyone will compare to her, for me. And I've been around the bend quite a few times. Just heartbreaking. And I've just never heard of someone acting this way before.

[Clarence_Boddicker]

Yup, end it unless you want to marry her family also.

[BlueIris]

I'm so sorry to hear that.

 

I assume the wedding is cancelled. If it isn't, I'd cancel it soon.

 

Some people are close to family and strongly prefer to live near them and/or where they grew up. I have a good friend like that. She's much more family oriented ad some people are more career oriented. But you can find a match because there are lots of career oriented people, especially these days.

 

Take care of yourself as you heal.

[justsounsure]

I'm so sorry to hear that.

 

I assume the wedding is cancelled. If it isn't, I'd cancel it soon.

 

Some people are close to family and strongly prefer to live near them and/or where they grew up. I have a good friend like that. She's much more family oriented ad some people are more career oriented. But you can find a match because there are lots of career oriented people, especially these days.

 

Take care of yourself as you heal.

 

Thanks. No we are no longer getting married.

 

It's not even that I'm super career-oriented. But, I have a lot of bills, and I have been lucky enough to land a great position with a great company, with great pay. I can't just quit my job to go somewhere else with her, so that now we have 2 unemployed 30-somethings, just all for the sake of her getting to see her parents on a regular basis.

 

That just doesn't seem like an adult decision whatsoever. Yet, that's my option. That, or break up. I chose the latter. Just hard, when I'm still so in love.

[3blindmice]

I'm not saying this is how she thinks but here's something to consider.

 

What you're offering her is a diamond that will be cut with what happens in your life. Tomorrow, you could have an accident that causes a head injury that changes the way you think, or be killed, or through time change the way you think now. Of how you will always be together and later in life have a pretty young girl turn your head and you dumping her in her old age. Any cut on the diamond could shatter it or make it better. You can't say for sure.

 

Her family though is the diamond already cut and honed and will be there for her always. If she has a family as a support for her, it will always be there, but you may not be.

[justsounsure]

I'm not saying this is how she thinks but here's something to consider.

 

What you're offering her is a diamond that will be cut with what happens in your life. Tomorrow, you could have an accident that causes a head injury that changes the way you think, or be killed, or through time change the way you think now. Of how you will always be together and later in life have a pretty young girl turn your head and you dumping her in her old age. Any cut on the diamond could shatter it or make it better. You can't say for sure.

 

Her family though is the diamond already cut and honed and will be there for her always. If she has a family as a support for her, it will always be there, but you may not be.

 

Interesting analysis ... I guess.

 

I completely understand that her family is her blood and they are irreplaceable. But, your point is a bit off-base ... because her parents will still be there for her so long as they are living. Even if she lives the next 10 years in a different city than them. Even if she wakes up one day and realizes she doesn't love me anymore. Even if I die tomorrow. She can go home to them anytime she wants. They aren't disowning her if she doesn't live in the same city as they do.

 

She is sacrificing a life/kids with the partner that she is in love with, so that she can go home to them right now.

 

Besides, what is marriage if not breaking off from your family of origin and creating a new family? One that will (hopefully) endure long after her parents are gone.

[TunaCat]

It simply sounds like you two are incompatible. I am extremely close with my family and moving away from them would not be okay with me. I am very family oriented, and my family has lived in the same area my entire life.

 

And you do not get to say "that doesn't seem like an adult decision" just because it's not a decision YOU would make. Adults make all sorts of different decisions. That doesn't make them "not adult decisions" they're just different decisions.

[JADIE]

I think this is what they call "failure to launch". She has been unable to detach herself from her parents emotionally, physically or financially (unemployed). Were there any indications of this unnatural attachment before your relationship developed to the point of proposing marriage?

[justsounsure]

It simply sounds like you two are incompatible. I am extremely close with my family and moving away from them would not be okay with me. I am very family oriented, and my family has lived in the same area my entire life.

 

And you do not get to say "that doesn't seem like an adult decision" just because it's not a decision YOU would make. Adults make all sorts of different decisions. That doesn't make them "not adult decisions" they're just different decisions.

 

I would agree fully, if she had not already left the nest for 4 years to work (why she was not in her hometown when she met me). Although the work was always going to be "temporary", she left nonetheless. Makes it hard for me see how important the proximity could possibly be. Seems to me like if that were the case, she would never leave in the first place.

 

But you are right. We are incompatible and have completely different views on this.

[justsounsure]

I think this is what they call "failure to launch". She has been unable to detach herself from her parents emotionally, physically or financially (unemployed). Were there any indications of this unnatural attachment before your relationship developed to the point of proposing marriage?

 

Not totally. Maybe a couple. I knew of a relationship with a MUCH older man prior to me (think, her father's age). That was odd to me. Maybe suggests some psychological issues, but I didn't think too deep into it.

 

When I met her family, I did notice that everywhere we went, her parents came. We all went out one Saturday night to a dance club, and her dad tagged along. I thought that was super weird, and I spoke up about it. But I also felt like a jerk, because I was there to meet and (hopefully) like her family. They liked me. The whole time I was there they were trying to convince me to move there (basically so she would come home).

 

But basically, I always saw it more of her father wanting her to come home because he's lonely and depressed. I just chalked it off as he is a whiny 66 year old dude, who's tired of only spending his every waking moment with his wife (hey, that's life buddy). But then, as soon as her job ended and she had nothing to do during the day, it seemed that she suddenly felt guilty for sitting at our home all day, when she could be there, keeping him company.

 

I'd never spent an extended amount of time with her and them together, so I didn't see it, honestly.

Edited September 13, 2015 by justsounsure

[3blindmice]

Interesting analysis ... I guess.

 

I completely understand that her family is her blood and they are irreplaceable. But, your point is a bit off-base ... because her parents will still be there for her so long as they are living. Even if she lives the next 10 years in a different city than them. Even if she wakes up one day and realizes she doesn't love me anymore. Even if I die tomorrow. She can go home to them anytime she wants. They aren't disowning her if she doesn't live in the same city as they do.

 

She is sacrificing a life/kids with the partner that she is in love with, so that she can go home to them right now.

 

Besides, what is marriage if not breaking off from your family of origin and creating a new family? One that will (hopefully) endure long after her parents are gone.

 

But she is young now and not settled into a town with kids that don't want to leave 100s or more miles away from her family. She can make a life, job friends, etc. close to her family. And not be uprooting her family to get to a support system, when or if she needs one.

 

If I had had a support system in my family, it to me would be worth all the gold, diamonds, and emeralds in the world. I would have stayed close by them because the one thing life has taught me, every time without fail. Is love is flickle and does not survive the test of time.

 

Every relationship I had the men used me, then dumped me when my usefulness had expired. My exhusband used me to raise his son, all the while having affairs. He would still be using me to take his bad moods out on if I hadn't spend a year reading this forum and becoming afraid of getting STDs from him. He got to be Mr. Wonderful for his APs and come home and be hateful to me. I put up with it because I thought that was what you had to do to have a faithful man. He was busted by cercomstansful (sp?) evidence and still to this day denys he was cheating. But he dumped me, something he would not have done without someone in the wings waiting for him.

 

Yes you're supposed to cleave to your husband when you get married but a lot of times, the marriage doesn't survive the test of time.

[justsounsure]

But she is young now and not settled into a town with kids that don't want to leave 100s or more miles away from her family. She can make a life, job friends, etc. close to her family. And not be uprooting her family to get to a support system, when or if she needs one.

 

If I had had a support system in my family, it to me would be worth all the gold, diamonds, and emeralds in the world. I would have stayed close by them because the one thing life has taught me, every time without fail. Is love is flickle and does not survive the test of time.

 

Every relationship I had the men used me, then dumped me when my usefulness had expired. My exhusband used me to raise his son, all the while having affairs. He would still be using me to take his bad moods out on if I hadn't spend a year reading this forum and becoming afraid of getting STDs from him. He got to be Mr. Wonderful for his APs and come home and be hateful to me. I put up with it because I thought that was what you had to do to have a faithful man. He was busted by cercomstansful (sp?) evidence and still to this day denys he was cheating. But he dumped me, something he would not have done without someone in the wings waiting for him.

 

Yes you're supposed to cleave to your husband when you get married but a lot of times, the marriage doesn't survive the test of time.

 

I'm really sorry that those are the men that you have encountered. I am not anything like that. And my ex will say nothing but praise for me, and the way that I treat her, for as long as she lives. She is my princess and I always treat her as such.

 

You are correct, she hasn't yet settled into a town with kids, etc. I get what you are saying: the man is replaceable, the family is not.

 

The irony of all of it is, I hope that when she does try to find a new man in the city she chooses to settle down in, she doesn't run into any of those as*holes you've encountered. Because finding a good man is not easy. And certainly not something (in my opinion) to just take with a grain of salt when you find it.

 

Just my two cents.

[nescafe1982]

It sounds to me like you've got the right perspective on this, OP. I hope you will take the time you need to heal from the breakup, refocus yourself, and get on with life! As for her, I hope she finds the kind of relationship she is looking for. Incompatibility happens. It sucks really bad, but nothing can be done about it.

[3blindmice]

I'm really sorry that those are the men that you have encountered. I am not anything like that. And my ex will say nothing but praise for me, and the way that I treat her, for as long as she lives. She is my princess and I always treat her as such.

 

You are correct, she hasn't yet settled into a town with kids, etc. I get what you are saying: the man is replaceable, the family is not.

 

The irony of all of it is, I hope that when she does try to find a new man in the city she chooses to settle down in, she doesn't run into any of those as*holes you've encountered. Because finding a good man is not easy. And certainly not something (in my opinion) to just take with a grain of salt when you find it.

 

Just my two cents.

 

I agree with you about finding a good man is hard to do and not to be taken with a grain of salt when you do. But something I want to point out also is having a good support system (emotionally more than financial) in the family.

 

I don't have that and she is lucky to have it. That's why I treasure it so much.

[justsounsure]

It sounds to me like you've got the right perspective on this, OP. I hope you will take the time you need to heal from the breakup, refocus yourself, and get on with life! As for her, I hope she finds the kind of relationship she is looking for. Incompatibility happens. It sucks really bad, but nothing can be done about it.

 

1) It does suck really bad.

 

2) Nothing can be done about it.

 

3) It sucks even worse because of point #2.

 

I am trying to heal. I have been through awful breakups before, and I know I'm in for a good 6 months of grieving. I hate that I have that to look forward to this Winter, but I know it to be the case. I guess that's life.

[ASG]

You know what? I moved to another country, so I'm away from my family. But every time I think about getting married and starting a family, I want to do it in my own country, close to my family.

It honestly gives me anxiety to think that it might not happen.

 

It's not rational. But, like her, I do want the support system of having my family around. Sure, you would be her family, but it's much easier to do things when you have an extended support system. Like in built babysitters!

 

So I have to say, I completely understand where she is coming from...

[justsounsure]

You know what? I moved to another country, so I'm away from my family. But every time I think about getting married and starting a family, I want to do it in my own country, close to my family.

It honestly gives me anxiety to think that it might not happen.

 

It's not rational. But, like her, I do want the support system of having my family around. Sure, you would be her family, but it's much easier to do things when you have an extended support system. Like in built babysitters!

 

So I have to say, I completely understand where she is coming from...

 

Thanks for your insight ASG. What's hard for me, is that I understand as well, but at the end of the day, I feel that her decision is a selfish one.

 

I have family here in the city I'm in. Not that I need to be near them, but our children would have grandparents around ... so it's not like there is nothing here. She just needs it to be HER parents.

 

And it would all come at the cost of me losing my career. She still doesn't have a job. No marriage or kids would even be close to happening if we don't even have employment. Even when she does get one, I will still be making twice as much as her, in a city with a much lower cost of living. I have a job that I love, one that I actually enjoy getting up to do everyday, and that, as a much added bonus, more than pays the bills. That type of stuff is hard to find these days, and it is a big part of my life. She really thinks I should give it up. I see it as very selfish, and not really looking at what would be the best for US going forward. All of what she is doing by moving back to be with her family, is simply the best for HER.

 

But I get that it really doesn't matter, because if she doesn't feel whole here without them, it would never be a happy marriage anyway. It's just sad. Because if I gave up everything and moved there, all I would feel, is resentment.

 

So, a marriage between us is most likely something that is never going to happen. And I have to live with that.

[anika99]

I can't really call one person right and the other one wrong in this situation. Many women do want their parents near when they get married and start having babies. Personally I think that if your spouse has proven themselves to be a good and loving partner then they should take top priority over birth family, but my opinion doesn't make your gf's opinion wrong. Her statement of "you need sleep, I need my family" is absurd and does indicate a high degree of inflexibility and unwillingness to compromise.

 

I think you can both chalk this up to a learning experience. It sounds like you just suddenly found out that she wants to marry and have kids near her family? Why is this just coming to light now? When you were courting did these things not come up in conversations? If not then you have learned that it's important to have open frank discussions about these kinds of issues before you get to emotionally involved with someone. If you did have these discussions and she misled you then hopefully she has learned that it's not okay to draw someone into a relationship with lies or omissions and that doing so has consequences.

 

I think you have made the right choice in staying put and maybe your gf made the right choice for her. It will hurt for a while but you will recover and love again.

[justsounsure]

I can't really call one person right and the other one wrong in this situation. Many women do want their parents near when they get married and start having babies. Personally I think that if your spouse has proven themselves to be a good and loving partner then they should take top priority over birth family, but my opinion doesn't make your gf's opinion wrong. Her statement of "you need sleep, I need my family" is absurd and does indicate a high degree of inflexibility and unwillingness to compromise.

 

I think you can both chalk this up to a learning experience. It sounds like you just suddenly found out that she wants to marry and have kids near her family? Why is this just coming to light now? When you were courting did these things not come up in conversations? If not then you have learned that it's important to have open frank discussions about these kinds of issues before you get to emotionally involved with someone. If you did have these discussions and she misled you then hopefully she has learned that it's not okay to draw someone into a relationship with lies or omissions and that doing so has consequences.

 

I think you have made the right choice in staying put and maybe your gf made the right choice for her. It will hurt for a while but you will recover and love again.

 

I love this response. You are so spot on, about everything. I don't think she's "wrong". What I'm upset about IS her inflexibility and unwillingness for compromise. I haven't mentioned this yet in the post, but I did give her the option that we could move in a few years, when I have tied up all the ends of everything I was doing here with my career, got enough experience to be able to successfully go for a comparable job out of state, etc. That was a no-go.

 

As far as why is this just coming to light now? She didn't disclose it. She, in fact, told me shortly after we met that her plan was to go back home after her job ended, "but that plan will have to change now".

 

Then, she flipped things when the job did end. Suddenly, she just had to go. I have asked her why she didn't make me privy to this information when meeting her. She says that she thought she could do it. She thought it would be okay, and then it wasn't. I, personally, think the unemployment was the catalyst in all of this. But, she had to have had it in the back of her mind all along ... she just didn't tell me.

 

The sleep comment was absurd. It is also absurd that she argues with me and tells me that this is just as much my fault, because I just want to stay where it's "safe" (ie, at my job). I was going to argue back, but I decided at this point to just leave it alone. But, my defense would be: What is the definition of "safe" if not a 31-year-old woman running back to her parents' house? I wouldn't call my choice "safe". I'd call it "stable".

 

But, like everyone has pointed out here, I can understand what she ultimately wants. She wants to have kids with her community around her, and obviously that would be ideal. I just don't agree with how she has gone about it. But, yes, I need to learn from this as well. It just sucks. I really just hate to lose the love of my life, over circumstance.

[nescafe1982]

You will meet a woman, one day, OP that loves you and shares your values. The ending of this relationship is, in the grand scheme of things, simply clearing off your plate for that day.

[justsounsure]

I have to throw something else in, now that I think about it. There were more red flags.

 

She told me when we first met that her plan wasn't just to move home after her job ended, but to move home and have a baby on her own, and raise it with her parents. Her dad suggested this, and she agreed.

 

The next part of the conversation was me: "Wow, okay, what a terrible idea. Good thing you met me!"

Her response, "Yeah, now my plan is gonna have to change."

 

I think I blocked that out, and continue to.

[justsounsure]

You will meet a woman, one day, OP that loves you and shares your values. The ending of this relationship is, in the grand scheme of things, simply clearing off your plate for that day.

 

Thank you. I'm sure. It's just hard to think that way right now. I'm still in that place in my head and heart where it makes me sick to think of both myself and her with anyone else.

[thejabberwocky]

Honestly, if she is that close to her parents, and it's important to her, you need to respect that.

 

The thing is, if she doesn't move near her parents, chances are she's going to get married and have children all away from them, too. It's important for her to be near her parents for these milestones and she probably wants them in her children's lives too.

 

I personally agree with her that family should be more important than work. Depending on what your job is, could you find similar work near her family? If she's really the love of your life, I don't see why you wouldn't move with her. Unless you can only have your job in that particular city.