Fiance chose her parents over our relationship

[ASG]

Thanks for your insight ASG. What's hard for me, is that I understand as well, but at the end of the day, I feel that her decision is a selfish one.

 

I have family here in the city I'm in. Not that I need to be near them, but our children would have grandparents around ... so it's not like there is nothing here. She just needs it to be HER parents.

 

And it would all come at the cost of me losing my career. She still doesn't have a job. No marriage or kids would even be close to happening if we don't even have employment. Even when she does get one, I will still be making twice as much as her, in a city with a much lower cost of living. I have a job that I love, one that I actually enjoy getting up to do everyday, and that, as a much added bonus, more than pays the bills. That type of stuff is hard to find these days, and it is a big part of my life. She really thinks I should give it up. I see it as very selfish, and not really looking at what would be the best for US going forward. All of what she is doing by moving back to be with her family, is simply the best for HER.

 

But I get that it really doesn't matter, because if she doesn't feel whole here without them, it would never be a happy marriage anyway. It's just sad. Because if I gave up everything and moved there, all I would feel, is resentment.

 

So, a marriage between us is most likely something that is never going to happen. And I have to live with that.

 

 

You hadn't mentioned before that you have family where you are. For me that would change things slightly, as there would be SOME support, even if it wasn't MY support system.

 

I live in London, and most people who live here don't come from here, even when they are british. So the thought of settling down with someone here and not having either set of grandparents close by is something that really scares me, although I do accept it might happen. In the UK, London is where most of the work is and moving back to my own country could potentially not be an option for the person I eventually settle with, due to work opportunities and language barrier.

 

But yes, while I do see where she is coming from, that is a very intransigent view of it. She won't compromise. And that doesn't bode well.

[justsounsure]

I personally agree with her that family should be more important than work. Depending on what your job is, could you find similar work near her family? If she's really the love of your life, I don't see why you wouldn't move with her. Unless you can only have your job in that particular city.

 

The cost of living in the city with her parents is 35% higher than where I currently am. Finding a comparable job would be tough, especially since I only currently have 3 years experience. Not to mention, I love my company. I worked for them when we met, and I would always tell her about it. She knew from day 1 how much I enjoyed where I worked.

 

I, personally, don't agree that proximity to family of origin is more important than gainful employment. Especially employment that you enjoy immensely. I moved 1000 miles from my parents to go to University, because it's what was best for my future. I would move whereever I needed from my parents if it meant a big opportunity for me, and come home and visit on Holidays. Would I move from my spouse? No. My able-bodied PARENTS? As someone in my mid-30's? Yes.

 

But my ex wouldn't agree with this. And this is why we aren't together. Fundamental differences. Just really hard to take.

[justsounsure]

You hadn't mentioned before that you have family where you are. For me that would change things slightly, as there would be SOME support, even if it wasn't MY support system.

 

But yes, while I do see where she is coming from, that is a very intransigent view of it. She won't compromise. And that doesn't bode well.

 

Oh yeah. My parents are here, right down the road. She became quite close to them while we were together. They would do anything for her. Still would. They love her. But even they say that I should not leave, and let it go.

[eye of the storm]

In this economy, demanding someone leave a good paying job (that they love no less) is incredibly short sighted.

 

That right there would be a red flag I could not ignore. It says they care more for their wants than their needs.

 

To be contributing members of society, we need to be gainfully employed. (this does not apply to SAHPs who's spouse is easily capable to support the family)

 

She is asking you to risk financial ruin. That is a horrible thing to ask of another person.

 

I am sorry you are in pain. But it sounds like you dodged a bullet.

[kenji_t]

Well...

 

I think she has every right to "choose her parents", if it's something THAT important to her. But I also think she should have made it clear from the beggining that living far away from her family would be a deal breaker.

 

However, she can't point any fingers to you and call you selfish, coward or whatever for wanting to keep your job. She's the one making you choose and won't compromise, what defines selfish nowadays?

[BlueIris]

The cost of living in the city with her parents is 35% higher than where I currently am. Finding a comparable job would be tough, especially since I only currently have 3 years experience. Not to mention, I love my company. I worked for them when we met, and I would always tell her about it. She knew from day 1 how much I enjoyed where I worked.

 

I, personally, don't agree that proximity to family of origin is more important than gainful employment. Especially employment that you enjoy immensely. I moved 1000 miles from my parents to go to University, because it's what was best for my future. I would move whereever I needed from my parents if it meant a big opportunity for me, and come home and visit on Holidays. Would I move from my spouse? No. My able-bodied PARENTS? As someone in my mid-30's? Yes.

 

But my ex wouldn't agree with this. And this is why we aren't together. Fundamental differences. Just really hard to take.

 

Maybe it won't hurt so much if you view it as your choice.

 

I lived where my husband worked and moved whenever he moved for his career until we divorced. My son in law and daughter both got into grad school in major cities right after college. The cities were very far from each other. He chose not to go to grad school and moved to where she moved. Then he found work there. No one is better or worse than anyone in any of these scenarios. Just people making choices.

 

Maybe think about how flexible you would be in the future and how flexible you would want a partner to be. It might help you view this relationship as having been formative for you, which might in turn help to ease the pain.

[justsounsure]

Maybe it won't hurt so much if you view it as your choice.

 

Ironically, it kind of hurts even more when I view it this way. Because, if I choose to go along with what she wants, then I would at least have my love (my selfish, inflexible love, but my love nonetheless).

 

Sometimes, I am so miserable, I question why I don't just give up everything and go. And then I get angry. Because I know I would never be happy having to give up everything I am doing right now to go live the life the way SHE solely wishes to live it. (I don't even particularly like the city her parents live in. It's not for me.)

[Diezel]

Funny she accuses you of taking the "safe" route, but yet, that's exactly what SHE is doing.

 

Let her go. You are better off.

[justsounsure]

Funny she accuses you of taking the "safe" route, but yet, that's exactly what SHE is doing.

 

Let her go. You are better off.

 

I know. I think that all her accusations are total projections and it upsets me.

 

I know that I am better off. It's just so hard. So hard. I'm so used to breakups with people that are awful. She is great. And is so good to me. She just has this ONE thing.

[preraph]

Here's the thing. She WILL need her family at the point which she has children. Because you will be working which will keep her from working and keeping her goals going at the time you have children. Someone has to be there. Now, if you're not having kids, then I eat my words and just say she isn't willing to give up her whole family for you or anyone else. Not everyone is close to their families, but those who are rarely get far away -- and it does make life easier when you have all that support nearby. It's unfair for her to blame you, I'll give you that. But you've hit a wall here and a big huge compromise is needed to stay together -- and we all know that only creates huge resentments down the road.

 

Now, if it's so extreme that she was wanting to live under their roof or even if she was for sure going to give them a key to your home and let them have free range, leaving you no privacy, then I would say she simply wasn't prepared to live as an adult and isn't mature enough to marry.

[Diezel]

I just want you to understand one thing, you are BOTH being selfish, and it's because it's human nature. Pretty much any decision involving self... is always going to be selfish. Neither is right or wrong, just not on the same page.

 

It's not wrong for you to NOT want to move, same as it's not wrong for her to want to go there.

 

Let her go. Find someone else who is closer to what you see in life and share. But be glad this happened now and not after the certificate was signed.

 

As far as you are concerned, her unemployment was your blessing in disguise.

[justsounsure]

Let her go.

 

I'm trying. I'm also not trying. Part of me feels like I will be lost if I let her go. I really feel like she was the great love of my life. All fundamental values aside ... ya know that rare cosmic connection you just get with someone? She and I have that. Just that "The Notebook" type love. Ugh.

[bathtub-row]

I completely agree that when children come on the scene, having the support of family is worth a whole lot. However, the family trailing along with the two of you everywhere you went strikes me the wrong way. This is a family that is too attached and it seems unhealthy. I think if you moved and ended up with this girl, you'd have massive family issues that would most likely make you sorry that you ever got involved.

 

I know it hurts now but I personally think you dodged a bullet.

[bathtub-row]

I'm trying. I'm also not trying. Part of me feels like I will be lost if I let her go. I really feel like she was the great love of my life. All fundamental values aside ... ya know that rare cosmic connection you just get with someone? She and I have that. Just that "The Notebook" type love. Ugh.

 

It's sounds like a great connection but she's giving you an ultimatum. Great connection, great love - whatever. No compromise is always a bad sign. Always.

 

There can be extenuating circumstances though. When I divorced my husband - the guy I had a child with - I made sure that any guy I dated understood that I would not move to another city away from my son's dad. It was something I felt strongly about and I made sure we were clear on that right away because I know it's a big thing to ask of someone, and to bring up six months into a relationship. Your fiancé should've told you that this would be a dealbreaker when you first started dating.

[justsounsure]

I completely agree that when children come on the scene, having the support of family is worth a whole lot. However, the family trailing along with the two of you everywhere you went strikes me the wrong way. This is a family that is too attached and it seems unhealthy. I think if you moved and ended up with this girl, you'd have massive family issues that would most likely make you sorry that you ever got involved.

 

I know it hurts now but I personally think you dodged a bullet.

 

These are the words of my therapist, verbatim. I haven't even gone into how enmeshed I believe this family to be, and all the examples I could provide having only met them once. If I have have to be completely honest, I was somewhat happy that we had some geographical distance from them.

 

But yes, it does hurt. Wishing I could change things that I cannot control.

[justsounsure]

It's sounds like a great connection but she's giving you an ultimatum. Great connection, great love - whatever. No compromise is always a bad sign. Always.

 

There can be extenuating circumstances though. When I divorced my husband - the guy I had a child with - I made sure that any guy I dated understood that I would not move to another city away from my son's dad. It was something I felt strongly about and I made sure we were clear on that right away because I know it's a big thing to ask of someone, and to bring up six months into a relationship. Your fiancé should've told you that this would be a dealbreaker when you first started dating.

 

That's another part of it. She flip-flopped on this. She changed her tune on it 8th months in. She even admits that she did. She thought it would be okay, and then suddenly it wasn't.

 

But the short amount of time it took her to leave was crazy. She told me she felt like she needed to go back home, and 3 weeks later she was gone.

 

Her decisions are too snap for me. I don't even know that she for sure 100% knows she wants to stay in that city forever. I think she just misses it. That, compounded with her unemployment ... well, my therapist said she makes awful snap decisions.

 

Rationally, I know this is all for the best. My heart, unfortunately, has never spoke in Rational.

[bathtub-row]

 

Most people aren't rational in matters of the heart and that's why so many of us end up in bad situations.

 

I don't know what to tell you because I think she has made a choice that has hurt you deeply. And I don't think she changed her mind that quickly. I think she's been thinking about it for a long time. I'm really sorry. She may change her mind but you'll still have the same problems with her family.

[lolablue17]

I think you have bigger problems between you two, than the issue - "where will you live?".

 

1. No relationship can hold if it is based on ultimatums. It shows a lot about her personality, and how can she handle problems. because marriage will bring all set of problems, some much bigger than the "where to live" problem. You got a glimpse to "How can she handle marriage?" The outcome isn't promising.

 

2. I only guess she feels different than you about love. She may not love you as she declares. But she doesn't open it with you or with herself, and it comes out like this...

[Diezel]

I'm trying. I'm also not trying. Part of me feels like I will be lost if I let her go. I really feel like she was the great love of my life. All fundamental values aside ... ya know that rare cosmic connection you just get with someone? She and I have that. Just that "The Notebook" type love. Ugh.

 

Know how many times I said that about the wrong person?

 

At least 3. And every time, I realized how wrong I was the previous time.

 

There is no rare cosmic connection. There isn't just 1 person you can feel that with. Just keep searching, you'll find someone even better. But if you start trying to convince yourself that this was it, you will miss out on another one.

 

And also... she obviously doesn't think you were quite the "cosmic connection". Try to let that sink in.

[Redhead14]

And this isn't one of those "her parents didn't approve of me and she sided with them things".

 

My ex-fiance is in her early 30s, was living in my city when I met her on a long-term work assignment, and long story short, when the work assignment ended, after about 2 months of unemployment she decided that she needed to go home. 2000 miles away. Indefinitely. And she wants me quit my job and come with her.

 

All because, she refuses to build her future life anywhere that is not within less than an hour's driving distance from her parents.

 

No one is sick, no one needs to be taken care of. I am "the love of her life" and she can't see herself with anyone else, but if I can't live near her parents, then we can't be together. Because she needs to create her future the "right way", and she "needs her family".

 

My argument is, and continues to be, that I am going to be her family. That major life decisions, like location and employment, need to be made by US, not dictated by whether or not this means we will be in the same city as her parents.

 

This is unacceptable to her. So, long story short, we have broken up. She has moved back with her parents, still unemployed, and I am back here, still just working, and heartbroken.

 

I don't even know how to handle this. She accuses me of choosing the "safe" route (staying at my high paying job), rather than quitting and moving to be with her and her parents. I don't have the heart to quip back with the fact that I am choosing the "stable" and "wise" route ... and in fact, what is a 31 year old woman wanting to live the rest of her life with her parents, even at the cost of losing the love of her life, if anything but "safe"? I want to tell her to cut the cord already.

 

I don't. I imagine she already feels abnormal enough. So, I guess I just have to get over this one?

 

She accuses me of choosing the "safe" route (staying at my high paying job)-- You are absolutely correct -- she is the one taking the safe, co-dependent, unhealthy attachment route.

 

If you really were the love of her life, she would not have gone home. She doesn't want to leave the "security" of her family for the uncertainty of moving forward in a relationship.

[justsounsure]

I think you have bigger problems between you two, than the issue - "where will you live?".

 

But she doesn't open it with you or with herself, and it comes out like this...

 

Gosh, you've no idea. Her communication (or lack thereof) is a major issue in itself.

[justsounsure]

Know how many times I said that about the wrong person?

 

At least 3. And every time, I realized how wrong I was the previous time.

 

There is no rare cosmic connection. There isn't just 1 person you can feel that with. Just keep searching, you'll find someone even better. But if you start trying to convince yourself that this was it, you will miss out on another one.

 

And also... she obviously doesn't think you were quite the "cosmic connection". Try to let that sink in.

 

I know, I know. I've had deep connections in the past as well. I thought this one was slightly different, but I guess I'm just caught up in the moment.

 

I think she feels the same connection, but to her, it doesn't matter. She has already told me that NO relationship would be more important to her than her family. So, I was fighting a losing battle from day 1 (just didn't know it till day 243).

[justsounsure]

She accuses me of choosing the "safe" route (staying at my high paying job)-- You are absolutely correct -- she is the one taking the safe, co-dependent, unhealthy attachment route.

 

Thank you. I agree. I think her attachment to her family is beyond the norm, and very unhealthy. Sometimes I just wonder if maybe I don't get it, because my family isn't as close as hers. But then I talk to others' with very close families and they slap me back into reality: not healthy.