I have a wonderful husband. How can I make him as happy as he makes me?

[RomanticBride]

My husband and I have just recently celebrated our 4-year anniversary. We've had our share of ups and downs and he has been, throughout all of it, utterly supportive, dependable, and caring. I have had to adjust some of my- admittedly over-the-top end blazingly impassioned- romantic expectations (unfortunately) but that has really been the only drawback to this marriage that I can think of.

 

Otherwise, he's a wonderful man. We go out together 4 times a week. Two days are my days to choose a date activity and two days are his. He's supported my dreams and my finances for the four lovely years we've been together. He still writes me love notes. We literally spend at least 80% of our time together in one another's arms and gazing into one another's eyes. He tells me I'm beautiful when I have breakouts, he looks after me when I'm ill, and it's usually HIS idea to watch romantic chick flicks like the new Cinderella with me. He has a great job that's able to provide for both of us while I attend college.

 

He catches me when I fall- both figuratively and literally. He has supported me through anxiety, trauma, and major depression. When I had an EA for about a month- which immediately after led to my being hospitalized for suicidal impulses- he astoundingly forgave me rather quickly. Yesterday, about 11 months from the date of my hospitalization, I apologized again for my infidelity and he said he forgave me and had honestly forgotten about the incident.

 

We've just spent the most wonderful weekend for our anniversary. we went shopping, he bought me presents and a card. (but alas I can't reciprocate because he's nearly completely impossible to buy for) We've made love and gone to restaurants and walked downtown and went sightseeing and clung to each other like the lovebirds we are.

 

He's wonderful, in short. We spend so much time together and I honestly can't believe it's been four years already. We have a good sex life, about 10 thousand inside jokes, and embarrassing nicknames for each other. He makes me so happy, and considering I'm rather high-maintenance, I really just want to attempt to make him as happy as he makes me every day. I asked him how I could do so, several times, and his answers ranged from "Keep doing exactly what you're doing right now" to "Just love me". Adorable, but not exactly proactive answers. Of course I've done a bit of googling to see how to make a man feel loved and respected, but I'm hitting all the basic markers.

 

Grand romantic gestures used to be second nature to me when I was dating him at 15. It worries me just a bit that I can't quite get in touch with my inner Virginia Poe as I used to. Therefore, whilst I try to think up a truly stunning love poem, perhaps LS can assist me.

 

Ladies, what have you done for your husband that made his eyes light up and/or mist over?

 

Gentlemen, what is the number one most awe-inspiring gesture of eternal passion your wide has ever shown you?

Edited September 13, 2015 by RomanticBride

[Got it]

OP - that is a high level of energy you two seem to have/expect to maintain for the relationship. It honestly comes across as very needy. Maybe I am reading it wrong but it was exhausting just to read and then to through in you having an EA, just a lot of emotional drama that is hard to sustain.

 

But for your actual question, what do I do for my husband, well I ask him what makes him tick, what speaks to him, what his love language is, what matters most to him, and then I do them unsolicited.

 

So, developing and deepening my relationship with his kids and his family has meant a great deal to him. To being his emotional support and champion on a daily basis. To tangible items like surprise him and the kids on a trip to another state to see their favorite football team play and visit friends. It was presented to him in a story book I made for him. Those are the ones off the top of my head, I guess the biggest right now, having his baby.

 

I don't know, I just listen to him.

[RomanticBride]

Thanks for the advice. I did buy him a proper card, at least, and wrote a love note in it. I've started recently to offer to help with more of the chores, because he really does do a lot of work around the house. I think he appreciates that. And I'm also going to try to go with him to more of his group nights, where he meets people for things like bowling and laser tag. Not at all my thing, but I know he'd love me there.

[d0nnivain]

How old are you? If you got together at 15 & have been married for 4 years, I'm guess you are at most in your early 20s.

 

 

Part of your issues are that you seem wrapped up in each other with no independent interests. Your partner can't be your whole world. Separate to feel closer to each other.

 

 

As for being a better wife, is there something your DH wants that you are not doing for him? Since you used to so good at the romantic stuff, what happened? Just find a way to channel that again.

[Popsicle]

Well, this is a lovely and refreshing post.

[RomanticBride]

Popsicle- Thank you!

 

d0nnivain- I am 22, he is 32. We do have independent interests. I play the sims, and he plays Borderlands. Though, we frequently watch each other play. I guess the only thing we don't have in common is that he likes to go out bowling and such with a group of his acquaintances. He often invites me to tag along, but as I have some degree of social anxiety (and little skill at bowling besides) I usually politely decline. It's strange that you suggest what we actually need is more separateness when it seems to me that my dislike of his bowling outings might be one of his grievances. Anyway, it's a valid point and I'll talk with him about it

[d0nnivain]

You need to get out more & interact with others in the real world. When you & an SO are each others whole world, that is not helpful.

 

You need to make friends outside the home, take a class, get a PT job. . . do stuff that interests you so that you have stuff to talk about.

 

The fact that you got together when you were 15 I find troubling since he was 25 year old man at the time who IMO had no business dating a child.

 

You are an adult now & were married when you were 18 . . .

 

I can't help but wonder if you simply have the romantic delusions that plague many young women. The amount of time you describe as you two being together seems unhealthy to me.

 

You need to get your emotional anxiety & depression issues under control. You said you were hospitalized after a suicide attempt. Again I fear you derive all of your self esteem from external places -- your husband, your emotional affair partner, etc. Where are YOU in all of this? Given the age disparity & the ages at which you started this relationship, I wonder if you husband like having you dependent on him & you being a child. It really scares me for you.

[beanie66f]

I think it is the little things that make a marriage work and the romance alive. Finding yourself and doing what makes you a better person will make you more atrractive to your spouse. You sound very very young. Self confidence and being happy with yourself will be what keeps your mate attracted and interested in you. The little things like showing appreciation for each other and doing things together as a team around the house are things that I found are tried and true relationship builders. It's important to slow down and cherish time alone.... But in the long run its the little day to day things that show the charachter in a relationship. Being supportive of each other's interests and developing your own interests is necessary. But there needs to be balance.

Edited September 14, 2015 by beanie66f
Typo

[RomanticBride]

I should mention, I suppose, that I do attend college part time, therefore I do spend time away from him doing my own thing.

 

As to him being 25 when we met, your concern rings similarly true to the opinions of LS posters when I first discovered this forum at 15. I still don't at all believe he enjoys having control over me. If anything, he wants me to have more responsibility in life and to mature a bit more, so that he does not have so much to do. Of course, I understand fully where he's coming from, and therefore I try every day to grow into the type of woman a man as kind and giving as my husband deserves.

 

Oh, how I sometimes wish that he really were the sort of man who enjoys taking full responsibility for a woman, just for the sake thereof, or because he believes her to be to pure and fragile for the real world. It's such a romantic notion. But alas, it's not quite my situation. I am beginning to think that perhaps it's not really anyone's situation, and that such men do not really exist.

 

As it is, he is still my provider, protector, and husband, and I love him dearly. He does so much for me and has vowed to protect, guide, and cherish me always.

[qubist]

RomanticBride: it is clear that you Hubby loves you. The best thing you do for him to make him happy is to take care of yourself. You have anxiety issues that you should work on and you also had an EA while you were spending 80% of your time with him. There is something that you really should work on.

When we love we just want the very best for our loved ones, that's why you are here because you wanted help making him happy same thing for him It will make him the happiest man if you work on all your issues and be happy.

Other thing men like is good sex. Men look at sex differently than women, treating him with good sex will send a message that he is rewarded . And I guess nobody can help figure that out you are the most qualified to know how he like sex

[TX-SC]

Only married three years and you had an emotional affair? Hmmm, I would add "rug sweeper" to your list of bad traits for your husband.

 

It generally sounds like you two are WAY into each other. That's great and I hope it lasts for the long haul. Aside from being suicidal and saying "sorry", did you ever figure out why you cheated? If he is such an awesome husband, why did you cheat? Was there something missing from your marriage, and if so, what was it? Has that been addressed, or are you still in La La Land?

[RomanticBride]

I started an EA and spent less time with my husband because it had been three years and the butterflies for him were going away and I thought maybe everyone had been right in saying he wasn't my soul mate. I was also feeling emotionally neglected. I was having a lot of anxiety and my husband wasn't being as comforting and supportive as I would have liked.

 

My relationship with the OM was short lived and traumatic. He yelled at me, told me I was worthless, almost convinced me to move in with him, saying that if my family found out about the relatiobship I'd be on the streets anyway. He promised that bad things would happen to me if I ever left him. I was initially attracted to the OM during the time I was in the hospital, but my family and the doctors convinced me to go NC. I did, and I called the police on him and got a restraining order after I realized that the relationship was abusive. I will regret the decision to talk to that man for the rest of my life, but thankfully, my husband has forgiven me fully and lives new just as much as he ever did.

 

I have since learned that love, over a long period of time, will wax and wane. That it is normal to not feel in love all the time, and to enjoy the times you do feel in love, and try to rekindle those feelings when they're not there.

Edited September 14, 2015 by RomanticBride

[d0nnivain]

Post # 9 made me feel better about you, RomaticBride.

 

 

If you do have your own life, great. Stop stressing. Just do what feels right. The grand romantic gestures maybe the stuff movies are made of & books are written about but it's not real life.

 

 

It's the little things that keep a marriage strong. Saying please & thank you. Making the other person feeling appreciated. I periodically hide love notes in DH's stuff. We giggle & laugh together more than we disagree.

 

 

If it ain't broke, don't fix it & certainly don't borrow trouble.

[qubist]

If I may ask, how is your sexual life now? does he enjoy it? does he initiate it all the time?

[GunslingerRoland]

We literally spend at least 80% of our time together in one another's arms and gazing into one another's eyes.

 

That just sounds awkward... I couldn't love my wife any more and that still sounds torturous to do that for long periods all the time.

 

It sounds like whatever you are doing is *making him happy*. You sound perfect for one another.

 

*No one can control anyone else's happiness, at best you can control your own, but even that, isn't a given.*

[RomanticBride]

If I may ask, how is your sexual life now? does he enjoy it? does he initiate it all the time?

Our sex life is a bit rocky, but much much MUCH better than it was. He's enjoying it more and so am I. Usually I initiate.

[healingsoul]

First I want to thank you for being vulnerable in sharing so honestly about the mistakes you have made in your marriage and then expressing so much how you want to have the best marriage possible. Not every woman is so committed to her marriage. I realize you have struggled but you faced your errors and received forgiveness from your husband. I applaud you for doing that.

 

I read over some of the other responses and I thought I would give you a direct answer to your specific request. My husband loves when I show him respect, remember to thank him for all he does to support us and when I make sure I make time for him in my busy schedule for us to have quality intimate time. But every husband is different, as is every couple, so you really need to learn more about your husband and what is love to him.

 

A relationship specialist, Gary Chapman, teaches that every person feels love in a different way: by words, physical touch, gifts, acts of kindness or serving to help him/her out. It can be a combination of these, but almost everyone has a primary one. He has written a book called The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts. Here is a link to an article by Gary Chapman.

 

But I also was thinking another book that might be really good for you is Creating An Intimate Marriage by Jim Burns because you seemed very interested in trying to find out how to not settle for a mediocre marriage but to discover true intimacy. The book says it is written to help you have “the life you dreamed of when you said your vows and experience the joys of an awe-filled marriage.” It seems like this book was almost written for you from what you have described. Here is a link for that book. I hope these can be very helpful for you. I so admire that you want to have the best marriage possible.

[RomanticBride]

Thank you so much, healingsoul. I don't feel like a very good wife most of the time because of what I've done, but I love my husband more than anything in this world, and it makes me so happy to hear an objective source say that I'm trying and that's awesome. My Eternal Beloved says the same thing, but of course, isn't that right up there with "of course you don't look fat!" in the List Of Things Husbands Are Supposed To Say No Matter What? LOL

 

I have heard of the five love languages. Mine are Physical Touch and Words of Affirmation. His are Physical Touch and Quality Time. He's been trying to say more supportive and soothing things to help me through my anxiety and depression, and I just love him so much for that. I know that sometimes talk can be out of his comfort zone. Owing to the anxiety, going out on dates to spend time together is often outside of mine. So we both do things. I love our date nights, and since we're both touch-oriented, it is a never ending cuddlefest if we're in the same room. Which, we pretty much always are unless he's at work or out with friends.

 

I haven't heard of the other book you mentioned. Maybe he and I could go to Barnes and noble tomorrow and pick up a copy.

Edited September 18, 2015 by RomanticBride

[Lois_Griffin]

I just can't get over the creep factor of a 25 year old adult male chasing after a 15 year old teenage child. This whole thing just sounds SO unhealthy. Your parents approved of this? smh

 

I'm with Gunslinger. This whole thing sounds like torture.

 

And because you were a young, impressionable child, you had zero life experience when this guy came along. You can deny the suggestion that he purposely sought out a child in order to be able to control you and mold you all you want, but you have no life experience and therefore wouldn't know the difference. I can predict that sadly, one day you will.

 

In the interim, I guess you can continue being his good little girl as that's what he wanted and that's what you've done since 10th grade. Have you read the book "Co-Dependent No More?" I really think you should.

 

Maybe he and I could go to Barnes and noble tomorrow and pick up a copy.

And this is why.

 

I'm with the others, though. If it ain't broken, why are you trying so hard to fix it?

[Got it]

I should mention, I suppose, that I do attend college part time, therefore I do spend time away from him doing my own thing.

 

As to him being 25 when we met, your concern rings similarly true to the opinions of LS posters when I first discovered this forum at 15. I still don't at all believe he enjoys having control over me. If anything, he wants me to have more responsibility in life and to mature a bit more, so that he does not have so much to do. Of course, I understand fully where he's coming from, and therefore I try every day to grow into the type of woman a man as kind and giving as my husband deserves.

 

Oh, how I sometimes wish that he really were the sort of man who enjoys taking full responsibility for a woman, just for the sake thereof, or because he believes her to be to pure and fragile for the real world. It's such a romantic notion. But alas, it's not quite my situation. I am beginning to think that perhaps it's not really anyone's situation, and that such men do not really exist.

As it is, he is still my provider, protector, and husband, and I love him dearly. He does so much for me and has vowed to protect, guide, and cherish me always.

 

Well no honey because what you want is to be a child. That is a parent/child dynamic, not two adults in a romantic relationship.

 

I too and quite shocked that you were 15 and he was 25. That is statutory rape. So your whole dynamic with him is one of a child. So how do you know who to grow into? You actually haven't had any independence to do so.

[RomanticBride]

This again. Jeez Louise. Firstly, I asked him out, not the other way around, and it took months of constant grand romantic gestures for him to even consider the idea of us as a couple. I was doing ALL the chasing after. Yes, my parents approved. They interviewed him and checked all his stats on interpol when he came over from England to the US to live with me. Did I mention that he came over from England to the US to live with me? Pedophiles don't move continents to be with people, and pedophiles probably don't get through immigration and get a visa, either.

 

He has no biological family here. He works 50 hours a week, sometimes more, to give us the life we want. He comes home day after exhausting day and somehow still has the energy to spend time with me. Materially, he makes sure I want for nothing. No matter how extravagant the gift, he somehow always manages to make room in our budget to afford it, even when I don't ask for or feel like I deserve such fancy things all the time. He let me decorate half the apartment in pink.

 

When I had an emotional affair, he wanted us to work through it and once I had gotten through with counselling and realized my affair was horrible and why and how to avoid it, he forgave me and we started afresh. Speaking of therapy, my psychologist knows that I'm married at 22 to a 32 year old that I met when I was 15, started dating when I was 16, and married when I was 18. She says my beloved sounds like the most stable relationship in my life and encourages me to trust him more when I have anxiety issues.

 

When I'm sick, physically or mentally, he always knows what to do and how to look after me. After living for four years with him, I actually feel more comfortable and familiar with him than I do my own parents! (who, by the way, also love me very much and would do anything for my happiness)

 

These are not the behaviors of a child molester. I have never heard of even the most dedicated groomer going so far as to move continents and change his life in such an impossible radical way. These are the behaviors of a man who really, truly meant it when he said he was with me for life.

 

I'm with the others, though. If it ain't broken, why are you trying so hard to fix it?

 

Not exactly fix, as such, because you're right, it isn't broken. It's just that I'm mature enough to recognize that he does the lion's share of the work in our relationship (full time job, half the household chores, not to mention the emotional work of dealing with my issues and indiscretion.) I know he loves me, but I am self-conscious about my faults and past mistakes, and I want to make it up to him, and keep doing so.

 

What I was hoping to get out of this thread from the original post was stories of sweep-him-off-his-feet romantic gestures, some of which I could try myself.

 

This whole thing sounds like torture.

Torture? How? I mean, self-doubt is no picnic, but that's not something he did to me. Can you tell me again what's torture about having a man who seems to utterly adore you, who provides for your every need and most of your wants, and who wants to help you succeed in life? I wonder which part of the Geneva Conventions that violates. I should probably brush up on my history.

[Diezel]

Make him food, jiggle his balls, and let him watch TV in peace when he is doing so.

 

There, the secret to men's happiness.

 

97 less than what Cosmo would make you believe there are.

[healingsoul]

I am glad I could be an encouragement. If you don't find the book at the store you can order it. I love books and order at the store for special pick up and online. I am so glad you have heard of the "languages of love" and you already know what both of yours are. You both are way ahead of many couples. It might be hard for others to relate how in love you are because many people do not have a relationship that is so close. Also, I can relate to your anxiety because of my daughter. She doesn't really enjoy many social situations and I don't think she would go everywhere with her husband (if and when she does marry). Let me know if you need anything or simply some more encouragement later on. Have a great weekend!