Hubby looks at beautiful ladies.

[flower]

My husband looks at beautiful girls even when I am walking beside him when we go out for shopping or weekend activities. He does so only at really beautiful ones. For example, yesterday, he did not only glance but turned back to look at the girl as she walked away as we alighted at the same train station. I was frustrated but did not tell him my feeling then. I am currently 4 months pregnant now. When I was not pregnant, he does so too. Can't help feeling jealous though I know beauty is power. It is making me insecure. Though I had wanted to be a home maker and have more children, this insecurity is making me feel that I should have less children and work even after being a mother in case anything happen in future. Does it hiint anything of his character? Any opinions welcome. Do you think I am too fussy if I bring up the matter to him? Thanks!

[dawn duval]

I totally understand, that makes me feel insecure when boyfriends do that. I can imagine especially if you're pregnant how that would make you feel vulnerable.

 

In my experience I've concluded that almost all men will look, it's just a matter of how discrete they are. If they turn and gawk like you describe your husband doing, that's just rude! So I'm at the point now where if they look discretely (to the point where I hardly notice they're doing it), I'm totally fine. I just think it's disrespectful to make a big show of looking. I would definitely talk to your husband, tell him it how it makes you feel, and ask him to tone it down a bit.

 

I wouldn't take it personally, guys just do it and it doesn't mean anything in most cases.

 

I'm curious about the insecurity being linked to whether you want to be a home maker -- is it because you don't want to be too dependent on your husband or you think a career would help your self-confidence, or both?

[flower]

Hello Dawn, sorry to hear that your bfs do that too. I wish to work because I do not want to be too dependent on husband in case anything happens when I get older with children then. Otherwise, I would not mind being a home maker.

 

Yes, I know all guys look! But being too obvious makes the wife feels worthless and the lady being looked at wonder where our marriage holds. Though it usually ends up with nothing but it just take one occasion when I am not around and such a lady is bold enough to respond to his admiring looks...

 

Maybe my imagination is running wild but can't help it!

[Bunnylove]

Not ALL men do this. My last bf did it all the time. I didnt mind at first but eventually brought out my insecurities. When I'm WITH him its one thing but when he is alone and doing this, I'm sure it would give indications to the girl he was checking out that he was attracted to her and what if SHE felt the same about him. M6y last ex would try to defend himself but he would tell me how if he was on a bus and saw a beautifull girl he would check her out, sometimes they would smile at him. I remember one time I was on a bus with him and this girl came to talk to him. They wernt friends but only knew each other because they had smiled at each other on the bus when i wasnt there and began to talk. I DO think when a guy checks me out when he is with a women that their relationship maybe wouldnt hold out and feel sorry for the girl. I am finished with this kind of behavior. I DONT think ALL men do it. I Ive had boyfriends who were happy to just be with ME and DIDNT fee any need to check out other women. My last bf tells me its just human nature or just a guy thing. Its not true and every person is different. I bet there is girls who do this too. I am not one of them, WHY would I be checking out other men when I am happy with the one I have? WHY would I check them out when that is just an indication to the guy to come over and talk to me? I think its rubbish that its just a guy thing as ONLY my last bf would do this! If its makes any difference he was from USA and all my other bfnds before him were from UK. Maybe guys are a bit more gentlemanly here! But I am not gona come on here and make excuses for guys doing that! its just down right disrespectfull and hurtfull.

[LucreziaBorgia]

What does it suggest about his character? It suggests that he likes looking at aesthetically pleasing things.

 

Just ask him if he wouldn't mind not being so obvious about looking at other women when you are around.

[lindya]

flower, how do you know the women are beautiful? Probably because without realising it, you look at them too. Beautiful women - like all things beautiful - attract attention from men, other women, grannies, children...dogs, even. An admiring glance is natural. It's also natural for most people - attached or not - to do the admiring backwards glance if they see an attractive member of the opposite sex. It's pretty insensitive and ignorant to repeatedly do this in front of one's partner, though. You most certainly have my sympathy if he's staring in an open-jawed, bovine manner. That sort of thing's embarrassing for everyone.

 

Is the problem that he's looking, or that he makes it so obvious he's looking? Are there other, more serious, issues that might be making you feel a bit insecure right now? Best thing might be to tell him about "a friend's" partner who has a "staring rudely at other women" habit - and how embarrassing this is for your friend.

[Guest]

Bunnylove is correct in that this behaviour is disrespectful and hurtful. She is also correct that a man engaging in this type of behaviour is advertising his availability to other women. What rational woman expects to see a man flirting with her so openly whilst preparing for the birth of his child???? Here you are giving him the greatest gift a woman can give a man -- unless he doesn't want the baby -- and this is his response???? This type of behaviour is nothing short of immature and feckless! This behaviour has also led to many an affair.

 

That's not the worst of it either. He is engaging in this behaviour, successfully I might add, as a power play. He fully intends for you to feel insecure and less-than. I know it is horrible to believe that someone who supposedly loves you would do this but certain personality types live and breathe for this kind of stuff. Other personality types, Co-dependent ones, live and breathe to be treated this way. I hope you are not one of them. How is his behaviour otherwise? Is he open to counseling or talking to his minister/priest about it? Better yet, does he have a Father who can make it clear to him in no uncertain terms that this behaviour is unconscionable?

[lindya]

Guest - your advice may be well meant, but it's unlikely to have any effect other than to fuel the poster's anxiety. You don't know her, and you're in no position to make any sort of comment as to whether she's "co-dependent" or not. I do somethimes think that pop psychoanalytic theory has an awful lot to answer for.

 

Here we have a pregnant woman who's feeling fed up and worried about the fact that her husband looks at other women. It's perfectly normal for women to feel a bit more insecure than usual during pregnancy, and though it should be one of the happiest times for couples it's also one of the most testing. Her husband could do with being a bit more sensitive here, but that doesn't necessarily mean that he's indulging in evil power-play tactics to make her feel bad about yourself.

 

Flower, I think you need to sit down and talk to someone trustworthy about this to help you decide whether you want to raise the issue with your husband.

[flower]

Thanks folks for all of your opinions. I have raised the issue with hubby. Cleared things up and made up. Lindya, thanks for your advice. Guest, it was not as extreme as you had mentioned. LucresiaBorgia, yes, you are right, he has a photographer's eye and loves taking pictures of nice things. It was an episode in life.

[HokeyReligions]

It's a guy thing. Most do it. Talking him about being respectful toward you is the best thing to do. I'd be pissed if my husband turned his head to look at a women. Usually he pretends he's not looking because he doesn't want to hurt my feelings.

 

When we were younger I let it hurt my feelings. Now I find it funny.

 

The other day as we were driving home a young woman in a mini-skirt was walking down the street. I watched hubby stiffen his neck, and I could tell that while he was trying to continue our conversation his speech was becoming somewhat robotic and slow--like he wasn't paying attention to what he was saying.

 

After we passed the girl he became more animated and I just laughed and asked if he enjoyed the view! He turned a pretty shade of red and sputtered something and then we laughed about how I can read him like a book sometimes. His comment, and I know it was sincere, was "thats one of the things I love about you".

 

I figure that we have enough problems and stress in our life, why make him feel guilty about looking at pretty women. He tries to be discreet and I appreciate that and he knows it.

 

When I see a pretty woman I might think to myself "I wish I looked like that" or "I wish I had her legs" or something. When hubby (or most men) look at a pretty woman they are not thinking anything and certainly NOT "I wish my gf/wife looked like her" Women are the ones who do most of the comparisons!

[New_Wife]

I'm training my teenage son now to try to look with JUST his eyes. poor kid nearly gives himself whiplash everytime a pretty young thing wanders by. I'm glad the poster talked to her hubby about it. I'm sure mine looks too, but he's subtle if he does. I know I do, shoot, if I see an amazingly stunning woman, I'll even point her out. Not to say "hey look at that," more like I'm just commenting myself "wow, she's gorgeous." He normally offers a noncommittal grunt. (which is ALWAYS a safe answer, if he said "but you're prettier" I'd not care to be lied to or patronized.)

 

I don't think I'm egotistical or anything of that nature, and I'm not bisexual - I just appreciate a well-put together lovely lady as much as the next person. I also like beautiful dogs, horses, cars, etc. Now, my husband will about fall out of his shoes drooling and making incoherent noises over a '68 mint condition camaro. Lord help me if he sees one of those!