Can you relate to this story?

[Amberbelle1]

Feeling so unsure how to deal with this situation and would welcome any thoughts;

 

MM is having major hospital surgery soon; and will be unable to work or drive for 15 weeks. I won't be able to visit him in hospital or at his home, therefore for 15 weeks I will only be able to text him when he texts me. I can't even send him get well gifts.

 

I am saddened I can't look after him and I feel out of control of the situation because my natural instinct is to look after someone you love when they need it. It makes me realise my place in this affair, i know his wife will be doing this role and caring for him. I hate I will be so far away. I will be sat waiting for him for 15 weeks. ? I guess I always knew that I have no rights when I am having an affair with a mm, but it is only when a situation like this does it really make you see it for what it is.

 

15 weeks is a long time not to see someone and I know even after a week without seeing him I begin to feel a little disconnected from him. I feel so pathetic moaning because I won't see him for 15 weeks; another Christmas holidays and new year alone awaits me. I am sad I am still exactly in the same situation!

 

I don't know what to do or how to think about this? What would you do?

[privategal]

I dont say this flippantly or as though it would be easy but perhaps now that you realize your place in the A and that his W is his care taker and you would be forced to go LC perhaps you can use this time to begin to disconnect for good.

Maybe if you get your head out of your phone and computer waiting for him, maybe you can meet someone new.

Think if YOU had this surgery...you would also be alone as he couldn't be there around the clock to care for you and be at the hospital round the clock with you.

Is this the life you envisioned from your partner.

I think its time for a real change.

Love isn't enough to make you stay here.

Start to pull away and focus on you.

Make some plans. Get smart this is your wake up call.

[Satu]

Unfortunately, you are the least important person in the triangle.

 

That's why you are on the outside looking in.

 

This will never change.

 

You will be fed with leftovers, for however long you play your part.

 

QED.

 

 

Take care.

[Babs22]

I have sort of been in this situation, but not for 15 weeks. Also, I am married as well, so that makes it different from your story. My MM had to have surgery, and he could not drive for 2 weeks and was supposed to be off work for 6 weeks. We worked together, so even when he could drive, we had limited time to see each other. Even though his recovery to driving was quick, it was a serious surgery and would have some long lasting side effects. It was very difficult to not be there for my MM while he went through surgery. The hardest part was waiting all day to hear from him that everything went ok. He had surgery in the morning, but could not send me a text until late that evening to tell me he was ok.

 

We did stay in contact by texting throughout his recovery and we would see each other one or two times a week once he was able to drive. He ended up being off work for 2 months. 15 weeks would be a long time, and since you are single, it might be easier for you to take the time to disconnect from him. Yes, the reality is that we can never be there for them, if anything happens to them. If something ever did happen to my MM, I might be one of the last to know. His surgery happened almost 2 years ago now. Still some partial side effects, but great improvement. I have been able to help him recover from his side effects. I really don't have any advice, just letting you know we have been through something similar and I agree it was difficult.

[MissBee]

Feeling so unsure how to deal with this situation and would welcome any thoughts;

 

MM is having major hospital surgery soon; and will be unable to work or drive for 15 weeks. I won't be able to visit him in hospital or at his home, therefore for 15 weeks I will only be able to text him when he texts me. I can't even send him get well gifts.

 

I am saddened I can't look after him and I feel out of control of the situation because my natural instinct is to look after someone you love when they need it. It makes me realise my place in this affair, i know his wife will be doing this role and caring for him. I hate I will be so far away. I will be sat waiting for him for 15 weeks. I guess I always knew that I have no rights when I am having an affair with a mm, but it is only when a situation like this does it really make you see it for what it is.

 

15 weeks is a long time not to see someone and I know even after a week without seeing him I begin to feel a little disconnected from him. I feel so pathetic moaning because I won't see him for 15 weeks; another Christmas holidays and new year alone awaits me. I am sad I am still exactly in the same situation!

 

I don't know what to do or how to think about this? What would you do?

 

That's difficult.

 

I wasn't in that situation but I thought often about what if something happened to him, what would I do, how would I support, who would let me know? The thought of that was one (of many) things that made me grow more and more dissatisfied with the A. As you said, when you love someone and if you're supposedly an important person in their life or their partner, this would be a no-brainer. I think sometimes in the A we get caught up in the feelings, that is, we think oh we have a strong connection and they love us romantically and not their wives and talk to us more or this and that and while all that may be true, a relationship isn't just texting, calls, conversations and feelings but practical things too. I think when stuff like this happens is when you have to ask, what do you REALLY have? You have the "feelings" and they may very well be real, but what are they without the rights and privileges of being someone's open partner who can openly support them and be there without any questions asked?

 

That to me is what the "fantasy" of the A is. It isn't that emotions and feelings aren't real but that many times it's often primarily built on emotions and feelings and just talks of what things could be and things like that but when shyt gets real and ducks need to be aligned you end up falling by the wayside.

 

I don't know what to tell you to do...but I do think you've come to a major crossroads where you've been given the opportunity to decide for yourself if all of this is truly what you want and what you think is best. I think in all relationships we sometimes get those moments of epiphany and clarity where things are made plain for what they are so that we can decide one way or another. The next 15 weeks might be your opportunity to focus on you and not him and see how it feels to not talk to him and be in LC and all that, you may be surprised.

[anika99]

Forgive my cynicism but it occurred to me that there are few major holidays coming up. By the time 15 weeks go by, thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years will all be over. How convenient that he won't have to trouble himself with you over those holidays. Can you verify this surgery and months long recovery?

[Grapesofwrath]

I had a similar situation with my xMM. He underwent an emergency appendectomy and he just disappeared from my life for two weeks. It was excruciating, but I learned a valuable lesson about my place in his life. It's a wake-up call, for sure. We were deep in it at that point, and he texted me both right before and right after surgery, when he was still under the influence of a lot of medications. He didn't even remember doing it. Then I hardly heard from him, while his family did what they were meant to do. There is a thread about it on here.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/525477-mm-hospital (hope I did that right.) It's called MM in the Hospital

 

The upshot is that you are given a sharp dose of reality. I support the previous poster who suggests that you use this time to distance yourself from the relationship and move on. I also agree with Anika...I'm hard-pressed to think of a surgery that requires a 15-week recuperation time. Perhaps that long until he can return to work--depending on his occupation--but not that long to be able to return to normal activities of daily living. I'd confirm those details, to be sure this is what he says it is. The great news there is that, if it isn't, you've now got even more reason to walk away from a relationship that doesn't feed you.

[HappyAgain2014]

I was in this situation in the reverse. I had major surgery. He was with me for all the pre-op appointments and came to the hospital after my surgery. This was a week before Christmas.

 

After I came home, he emailed me. Emailed. Never came over because his wife and kids were home for the holidays and he couldn't get away. That was my wake up call. A grown man sneaking around emailing me who couldn't escape his home to see me after surgery. Such a pathetic story but I knew my place was abundantly clear by his behavior.

 

I ended the affair the day after Christmas. He came back three weeks later with grand proclamations of divorce. That didn't end well either.

[superdub]

Feeling so unsure how to deal with this situation and would welcome any thoughts;

 

MM is having major hospital surgery soon; and will be unable to work or drive for 15 weeks. I won't be able to visit him in hospital or at his home, therefore for 15 weeks I will only be able to text him when he texts me. I can't even send him get well gifts.

 

I am saddened I can't look after him and I feel out of control of the situation because my natural instinct is to look after someone you love when they need it. It makes me realise my place in this affair, i know his wife will be doing this role and caring for him. I hate I will be so far away. I will be sat waiting for him for 15 weeks. ? I guess I always knew that I have no rights when I am having an affair with a mm, but it is only when a situation like this does it really make you see it for what it is.

 

15 weeks is a long time not to see someone and I know even after a week without seeing him I begin to feel a little disconnected from him. I feel so pathetic moaning because I won't see him for 15 weeks; another Christmas holidays and new year alone awaits me. I am sad I am still exactly in the same situation!

 

I don't know what to do or how to think about this? What would you do?

 

 

I am in a similar boat. I travel for work right now and MW and I talk by text every day, but we don't see each other (kids, her spouse, etc) often at all. I have been weighing the move from EA to full blown affair for a while. She has wanted it for several months. The feeling you describe is actually the only thing holding me back. I thought it would be guilt. It wasn't. I actually feel zero guilt about the whole thing at this point. I love that my schedule is wide open and I can do whatever I want, but I hate the idea of being completely alone at the times you are supposed to be with the ones you love, etc. Our schedules being so full helps every other time of the year. We are just too busy and it is fine. I am not sure what I am going to do but I am glad someone else posted about it because I wasn't sure how to say it without sounding like a complete jerk.