He will never leave his wife for you.

[hardlesson]

I understand the title may cause distress. When I was the other woman, I avoided postings like this because I didn't want to face up to the truth. I would read postings online from people who had been the 'other woman', warning readers that they would be left broken hearted and that the man would never leave his wife....but I used to think, 'poor you! My circumstances are different to yours! This guy really does love me. We are making plans for our future together! He is DEFINITELY going to leave his wife for me!'. I was 100 percent sure of it. But, the fact is, he will never leave his wife for you. The man I had an affair with did not leave. Of course he didn't.

 

I really want to get my story out there to warn others about these men. I got so ill from the whole experience that I suffered a complete mental break down and needed treatment. I am now with the most amazing man and we are planning marriage and children, however, even now - 2 years on from the affair - I am still 'not right' and still needing treatment (therapy). I don't want this to happen to anyone else. I know this is hard but please read my experience and make the decision to get out. You have a choice.

 

I casually dated a man for two years. I was single. He told me he was single. I wasn't looking for anything heavy and neither was he. After two years of casually dating, our relationship began to change. We started to spend more time together and noticed more and more feelings developing. We started seriously dating for around three months - and this was when I found out he was married. Yes. I know. I should be known. All the signs were there....sudden quiet spells or lack of communication. I found out he was married by finding his wedding pictures online. When I found the pictures, I immediately contacted him and ended our relationship. I told him that I didn't need to see a married man as I was more than capable of attracting my own man. And...that was true. I am a good looking woman, very active and fit, in a professional role and with regular offers from men. I would not have described myself as insecure and desperate for a man. However, his response to me ending it was all the things you have no doubt already heard:

 

We don't have sex. We are married but more like friends.

There is nothing between us, we live separate lives.

She also talks about separating.

Please stay with me. I will leave her but I need time.

Please wait for me and we can have our life together.

I love you.

I would give it all up for you. Just you see! I am going to leave her for you.

She has mental problems and is physically ill so I have to be around to care for her.

 

So being the confident, desired, intelligent woman I am, what did I do? I said, 'OK. I'll wait.' I'm not usually one for self loathing but that was pathetic. I don't know what I was thinking. I look back and want to scream at myself, 'RUN'.

 

So. Over the next 9 months, I did wait for him. I would see him a couple of times a week. We would go out together. He'd stay over. We'd do all the things a normal couple would do. When I would ask for progress updates, he'd say, 'things are in place. I know I have to leave her for you. I'm just scared of hurting her but I know I have to do this and I will'. All the while, I was slowly getting ill. I didn't realise it...but I was on the way to suffering the most horrific mental torture I have ever experienced.

 

Around 4 months into waiting, I lost it with him and said...unless you leave your wife this week, it's over. Of course - when the week was over he was still there and so I cut off all contact with him and was subject to flowers delivered to my office, jewellery delivered to my home. New clothes - persistent begging. Guilt provoking texts and emails telling me he can't live without me and that he was going to leave his wife. I caved in and took him back. Unfortunately, this turned into a regular cycle....I would threaten to leave. He would beg me to take him back. I would. And every time I did, this reinforced to him that he controlled me and that, when I did leave him, I would always go back. On one occasions, he told me that tonight was the night and that he was ending it with her. I told him to text me when it was done. At 7pm, I text him to ask for an update and he sent me a huge text back. Immediately. So....it had been a text that he had preplanned and just needed to press 'send' on. He even packed his car full of his own stuff once and turned up at my house - this in an effort to convince me that he had finished it with his wife and was slowly packing his stuff. However....he then went home to his wife the next day! And what did I do? I believed all his excuses and went along with them. So, as every married man who is having an affair does, he really did have the best of both worlds. He had his comfortable life with his wife, his reputation as a good husband, a wife who did everything for him and also his younger woman on the side who he could visit and use for sex.

 

I told him once that I was going to stop giving him sex so it would prove to me that he was with me for reasons other than that. He agreed with that...but I can see now he was just playing the game.

 

After 9 months of him convincing me he was going to leave his wife for me, I found out that he had gone on holiday with his wife. I suffered a huge panic attack at work and was sent home. It was then that I had hit rock bottom. I had never felt so ill in my life. I couldn't eat and lost a lot of weight. Everyone was worried about me. I am usually the 'cheer leader' at work but could not even manage a slight smile for anyone. I felt physically sick constantly and could not sleep. I became a shadow of the woman I was. My GP could not believe it when I went to see him (he has been my GP for years) and referred me to psychological services and I was given urgent therapy. All the while, this man continued to text me and email me whilst he was on holiday with his wife, telling me he had only agreed to go with her as he felt under pressure to do so. In the days that followed, he bombarded me with messages begging me not to leave him. I felt hopeless and trapped as, previously, I would always take him back. I couldn't understand why I did so. It was like an addiction. This time, though, I worked with a therapist and she gave me the tools and strength to put a stop to this for good. I ended up telling him that I was not going to see him any more which increased the begging communications and he even threatened to kill himself. I told him that he was going to pay for my private therapy fees (he did) and that, should he contact me again I would call the police and tell his wife.

 

That put a stop to it. I never heard off him again.

 

Please. You have to believe me. He will NEVER leave his wife for you. I know how hard it is to read that but I really, really need you to believe me. You are capable of attracting your own, single man. He is using you. Please do not get to the point where I was - suicidal and panic attacks. I am now with an amazing man - I look back at the man I had an affair with and I have no idea how I even found him attractive.

 

Please read this account over and over again until it sinks in. Get away. RUN.

 

He will never, ever leave his wife for you.

Edited September 13, 2015 by hardlesson

[cif]

Actually, some men do leave. IRL I've found that those that will leave do so early, when the relationship is new, the OW/OM breaks it off, and they still have respect for them and are not comfortable yet.

 

I found out he was married by finding his wedding pictures online. When I found the pictures, I immediately contacted him and ended our relationship. I told him that I didn't need to see a married man as I was more than capable of attracting my own man. And...that was true. I am a good looking woman, very active and fit, in a professional role and with regular offers from men. I would not have described myself as insecure and desperate for a man.

 

The issue here is you second guessed your intuition. We need to trust ourselves. Your initial reaction was the right one.. you believed his words over it, why?

 

When an AP asks you to wait for them, break it off, go NC and tell them to contact you when they are single and IF you are single maybe start fresh.

 

Glad you moved on and are happy now.

[carhill]

Thanks for sharing your story.

 

 

Rule, meet exception.

[hardlesson]

Cif....if I could go back and give myself a shake and tell myself to 'wake up', I would. You're right...my intuition was there, I have no idea why I decided to ignore it.

 

I told my married man that I was going to break it off and that he should contact me when he was single. It didn't work because I thought that I didn't have the strength to actually DO it. All talk and no action on my part. It was so frustrating because the intention and the will was there, however, it was so difficult to act on it.

 

I appreciate your point about some men leaving their wives. Having been another woman, my concern with that posting is that the 'other women' will see your first sentence, 'some men will leave their wives' and then not read any further. I hope the readers will look at the rest of your post and realise that, if their man is in a settled and stable marriage, the chances are they will NEVER leave.

 

I have taken away some lessons from this experience, that's for sure.

[hardlesson]

Welcome. I don't want this to happen to anyone else.

 

X

[loveboid]

Dating a married man or woman is still dating. Not even a single person always marries the person they are dating.

 

I think there's an unrealistic expectation of automatic marriage when dating a married person which causes undue pain.

 

There are lot of single people dating other singles hanging on for years with the same heartache of never marrying.

 

It's a numbers game. More people will date and break up than date and marry. It's simply fact, single or married.

[hardlesson]

That's a good point, loveboid. That was certainly the case in my experience....I honestly thought we would be married. Actually....had he left his wife, who knows what would have happened? We may not have got along as two single people. He may have decided that he just wanted to be single for a while after coming out of a marriage. There was no guarantee that we would've worked even if he did leave his wife. As a single, unmarried man he may have wanted to keep his options open and 'look around'.

 

I won't be going near one ever again, that's for sure. The guilt, stress, anxiety...well, as I said - still recovering now.

[NewLeaf512]

I understand the title may cause distress. When I was the other woman, I avoided postings like this because I didn't want to face up to the truth. I would read postings online from people who had been the 'other woman', warning readers that they would be left broken hearted and that the man would never leave his wife....but I used to think, 'poor you! My circumstances are different to yours! This guy really does love me. We are making plans for our future together! He is DEFINITELY going to leave his wife for me!'. I was 100 percent sure of it. But, the fact is, he will never leave his wife for you. The man I had an affair with did not leave. Of course he didn't.

 

I really want to get my story out there to warn others about these men. I got so ill from the whole experience that I suffered a complete mental break down and needed treatment. I am now with the most amazing man and we are planning marriage and children, however, even now - 2 years on from the affair - I am still 'not right' and still needing treatment (therapy). I don't want this to happen to anyone else. I know this is hard but please read my experience and make the decision to get out. You have a choice.

 

I casually dated a man for two years. I was single. He told me he was single. I wasn't looking for anything heavy and neither was he. After two years of casually dating, our relationship began to change. We started to spend more time together and noticed more and more feelings developing. We started seriously dating for around three months - and this was when I found out he was married. Yes. I know. I should be known. All the signs were there....sudden quiet spells or lack of communication. I found out he was married by finding his wedding pictures online. When I found the pictures, I immediately contacted him and ended our relationship. I told him that I didn't need to see a married man as I was more than capable of attracting my own man. And...that was true. I am a good looking woman, very active and fit, in a professional role and with regular offers from men. I would not have described myself as insecure and desperate for a man. However, his response to me ending it was all the things you have no doubt already heard:

 

We don't have sex. We are married but more like friends.

There is nothing between us, we live separate lives.

She also talks about separating.

Please stay with me. I will leave her but I need time.

Please wait for me and we can have our life together.

I love you.

I would give it all up for you. Just you see! I am going to leave her for you.

She has mental problems and is physically ill so I have to be around to care for her.

 

So being the confident, desired, intelligent woman I am, what did I do? I said, 'OK. I'll wait.' I'm not usually one for self loathing but that was pathetic. I don't know what I was thinking. I look back and want to scream at myself, 'RUN'.

 

So. Over the next 9 months, I did wait for him. I would see him a couple of times a week. We would go out together. He'd stay over. We'd do all the things a normal couple would do. When I would ask for progress updates, he'd say, 'things are in place. I know I have to leave her for you. I'm just scared of hurting her but I know I have to do this and I will'. All the while, I was slowly getting ill. I didn't realise it...but I was on the way to suffering the most horrific mental torture I have ever experienced.

 

Around 4 months into waiting, I lost it with him and said...unless you leave your wife this week, it's over. Of course - when the week was over he was still there and so I cut off all contact with him and was subject to flowers delivered to my office, jewellery delivered to my home. New clothes - persistent begging. Guilt provoking texts and emails telling me he can't live without me and that he was going to leave his wife. I caved in and took him back. Unfortunately, this turned into a regular cycle....I would threaten to leave. He would beg me to take him back. I would. And every time I did, this reinforced to him that he controlled me and that, when I did leave him, I would always go back. On one occasions, he told me that tonight was the night and that he was ending it with her. I told him to text me when it was done. At 7pm, I text him to ask for an update and he sent me a huge text back. Immediately. So....it had been a text that he had preplanned and just needed to press 'send' on. He even packed his car full of his own stuff once and turned up at my house - this in an effort to convince me that he had finished it with his wife and was slowly packing his stuff. However....he then went home to his wife the next day! And what did I do? I believed all his excuses and went along with them. So, as every married man who is having an affair does, he really did have the best of both worlds. He had his comfortable life with his wife, his reputation as a good husband, a wife who did everything for him and also his younger woman on the side who he could visit and use for sex.

 

I told him once that I was going to stop giving him sex so it would prove to me that he was with me for reasons other than that. He agreed with that...but I can see now he was just playing the game.

 

After 9 months of him convincing me he was going to leave his wife for me, I found out that he had gone on holiday with his wife. I suffered a huge panic attack at work and was sent home. It was then that I had hit rock bottom. I had never felt so ill in my life. I couldn't eat and lost a lot of weight. Everyone was worried about me. I am usually the 'cheer leader' at work but could not even manage a slight smile for anyone. I felt physically sick constantly and could not sleep. I became a shadow of the woman I was. My GP could not believe it when I went to see him (he has been my GP for years) and referred me to psychological services and I was given urgent therapy. All the while, this man continued to text me and email me whilst he was on holiday with his wife, telling me he had only agreed to go with her as he felt under pressure to do so. In the days that followed, he bombarded me with messages begging me not to leave him. I felt hopeless and trapped as, previously, I would always take him back. I couldn't understand why I did so. It was like an addiction. This time, though, I worked with a therapist and she gave me the tools and strength to put a stop to this for good. I ended up telling him that I was not going to see him any more which increased the begging communications and he even threatened to kill himself. I told him that he was going to pay for my private therapy fees (he did) and that, should he contact me again I would call the police and tell his wife.

 

That put a stop to it. I never heard off him again.

 

Please. You have to believe me. He will NEVER leave his wife for you. I know how hard it is to read that but I really, really need you to believe me. You are capable of attracting your own, single man. He is using you. Please do not get to the point where I was - suicidal and panic attacks. I am now with an amazing man - I look back at the man I had an affair with and I have no idea how I even found him attractive.

 

Please read this account over and over again until it sinks in. Get away. RUN.

 

He will never, ever leave his wife for you.

 

I'm so sorry to hear about this. I think the majority of the time they never ever leave. For so many reasons from morality to keeping your sanity, I completely agree: stay away from MM and if you find out after you start dating, immediately go NC and run as fast as you can

[Mount]

Pls remember two things:

 

1) Making planning or future is nothing. Many examples here those OWs' MMs had go more far forward than planning futures, such as really telling wives or family about leaving, and did go to lawyer, and did pack up and go live with OWs short term or some a bit longer time but still went back wives, or one example I can not remember whom, the MM bought engagement ring for OW...etc, but in the end they failed too.

 

So it is only meaningful when MM makes plan, executes plan and STICKS to it TILL THE END, that is something worthy and meaningful, other than that just pls ignore, as said million times, words mean nothing.

 

2) From your story as you described, it seems that MM intentionally was staging many things to deceive you. So did he really never mean to leave wife thus staging those gestures to show his "sincerity" or he had changed mind then went back? That was the critical.

 

I understand the title may cause distress. When I was the other woman, I avoided postings like this because I didn't want to face up to the truth. I would read postings online from people who had been the 'other woman', warning readers that they would be left broken hearted and that the man would never leave his wife....but I used to think, 'poor you! My circumstances are different to yours! This guy really does love me. We are making plans for our future together! He is DEFINITELY going to leave his wife for me!'. I was 100 percent sure of it. But, the fact is, he will never leave his wife for you. The man I had an affair with did not leave. Of course he didn't.

 

I really want to get my story out there to warn others about these men. I got so ill from the whole experience that I suffered a complete mental break down and needed treatment. I am now with the most amazing man and we are planning marriage and children, however, even now - 2 years on from the affair - I am still 'not right' and still needing treatment (therapy). I don't want this to happen to anyone else. I know this is hard but please read my experience and make the decision to get out. You have a choice.

 

I casually dated a man for two years. I was single. He told me he was single. I wasn't looking for anything heavy and neither was he. After two years of casually dating, our relationship began to change. We started to spend more time together and noticed more and more feelings developing. We started seriously dating for around three months - and this was when I found out he was married. Yes. I know. I should be known. All the signs were there....sudden quiet spells or lack of communication. I found out he was married by finding his wedding pictures online. When I found the pictures, I immediately contacted him and ended our relationship. I told him that I didn't need to see a married man as I was more than capable of attracting my own man. And...that was true. I am a good looking woman, very active and fit, in a professional role and with regular offers from men. I would not have described myself as insecure and desperate for a man. However, his response to me ending it was all the things you have no doubt already heard:

 

We don't have sex. We are married but more like friends.

There is nothing between us, we live separate lives.

She also talks about separating.

Please stay with me. I will leave her but I need time.

Please wait for me and we can have our life together.

I love you.

I would give it all up for you. Just you see! I am going to leave her for you.

She has mental problems and is physically ill so I have to be around to care for her.

 

So being the confident, desired, intelligent woman I am, what did I do? I said, 'OK. I'll wait.' I'm not usually one for self loathing but that was pathetic. I don't know what I was thinking. I look back and want to scream at myself, 'RUN'.

 

So. Over the next 9 months, I did wait for him. I would see him a couple of times a week. We would go out together. He'd stay over. We'd do all the things a normal couple would do. When I would ask for progress updates, he'd say, 'things are in place. I know I have to leave her for you. I'm just scared of hurting her but I know I have to do this and I will'. All the while, I was slowly getting ill. I didn't realise it...but I was on the way to suffering the most horrific mental torture I have ever experienced.

 

Around 4 months into waiting, I lost it with him and said...unless you leave your wife this week, it's over. Of course - when the week was over he was still there and so I cut off all contact with him and was subject to flowers delivered to my office, jewellery delivered to my home. New clothes - persistent begging. Guilt provoking texts and emails telling me he can't live without me and that he was going to leave his wife. I caved in and took him back. Unfortunately, this turned into a regular cycle....I would threaten to leave. He would beg me to take him back. I would. And every time I did, this reinforced to him that he controlled me and that, when I did leave him, I would always go back. On one occasions, he told me that tonight was the night and that he was ending it with her. I told him to text me when it was done. At 7pm, I text him to ask for an update and he sent me a huge text back. Immediately. So....it had been a text that he had preplanned and just needed to press 'send' on. He even packed his car full of his own stuff once and turned up at my house - this in an effort to convince me that he had finished it with his wife and was slowly packing his stuff. However....he then went home to his wife the next day! And what did I do? I believed all his excuses and went along with them. So, as every married man who is having an affair does, he really did have the best of both worlds. He had his comfortable life with his wife, his reputation as a good husband, a wife who did everything for him and also his younger woman on the side who he could visit and use for sex.

 

I told him once that I was going to stop giving him sex so it would prove to me that he was with me for reasons other than that. He agreed with that...but I can see now he was just playing the game.

 

After 9 months of him convincing me he was going to leave his wife for me, I found out that he had gone on holiday with his wife. I suffered a huge panic attack at work and was sent home. It was then that I had hit rock bottom. I had never felt so ill in my life. I couldn't eat and lost a lot of weight. Everyone was worried about me. I am usually the 'cheer leader' at work but could not even manage a slight smile for anyone. I felt physically sick constantly and could not sleep. I became a shadow of the woman I was. My GP could not believe it when I went to see him (he has been my GP for years) and referred me to psychological services and I was given urgent therapy. All the while, this man continued to text me and email me whilst he was on holiday with his wife, telling me he had only agreed to go with her as he felt under pressure to do so. In the days that followed, he bombarded me with messages begging me not to leave him. I felt hopeless and trapped as, previously, I would always take him back. I couldn't understand why I did so. It was like an addiction. This time, though, I worked with a therapist and she gave me the tools and strength to put a stop to this for good. I ended up telling him that I was not going to see him any more which increased the begging communications and he even threatened to kill himself. I told him that he was going to pay for my private therapy fees (he did) and that, should he contact me again I would call the police and tell his wife.

 

That put a stop to it. I never heard off him again.

 

Please. You have to believe me. He will NEVER leave his wife for you. I know how hard it is to read that but I really, really need you to believe me. You are capable of attracting your own, single man. He is using you. Please do not get to the point where I was - suicidal and panic attacks. I am now with an amazing man - I look back at the man I had an affair with and I have no idea how I even found him attractive.

 

Please read this account over and over again until it sinks in. Get away. RUN.

 

He will never, ever leave his wife for you.

[Popsicle]

Very good warning, thanks for sharing. I have a question though, in those two years you were "dating" did you ever not see his place?

Edited September 13, 2015 by Popsicle

[hardlesson]

Newleaf...that's great advice. I wish I had done that!

[hardlesson]

I agree with you, Mount. That's an important message. Even if plans are being made, the MM may well just go back to his wife. The man I was seeing went back to his wife as he said he could not cope with destroying her life and that of his family. His wife was his priority. I was thrown crumbs here and there and, when it came down to it - she was always going to take priority over me.

 

The wife will always be a priority.

[hardlesson]

Popsicle....the short answer to that is 'no'. Because that's where his wife lived.

 

We casually dated and only became serious a few months prior to me finding out he was married. In those months of becoming more serious, I never went to his home. He lives right at the bottom of the country and travelled with work to up North so it was always my house and never his. I thought that was because of convenience but now I know it was because his wife was there!

 

And, of course, when I found out he was married, visiting his house was out of the question because she was there pretty much all the time.

 

Please....anyone who is reading this don't make the same mistake as I did. They will tell you what you want to hear. The mistress can't give the husband what a wife does. I mean, there's no opportunity to because the wife is already playing that role. There's no competition because she'll always win.

[Got it]

That's a good point, loveboid. That was certainly the case in my experience....I honestly thought we would be married. Actually....had he left his wife, who knows what would have happened? We may not have got along as two single people. He may have decided that he just wanted to be single for a while after coming out of a marriage. There was no guarantee that we would've worked even if he did leave his wife. As a single, unmarried man he may have wanted to keep his options open and 'look around'.

 

I won't be going near one ever again, that's for sure. The guilt, stress, anxiety...well, as I said - still recovering now.

 

I think this is a common misunderstanding when people are in an affair. They assume it will lead to marriage when the person leaves and that isn't always the case. You are dating them as a married person then you are dating them as a single person. You may not even like them once they are single and one has to keep evaluating the situation.

 

I am sorry you went through so much pain. I think the best advice is to listen to your gut, be your own best advocate, and lay out expectations and boundaries. For me, when I was single and he was married, him being married was his baby to rock not me. So why would I jump through hoops? That was his privilege and joy. I think many people make that mistake at continuing to bend, to make anything work, to get to that finish line. And you will destroy yourself in the process. Biggest thing, don't listen to the words, pay attention to the actions.

 

Glad you are doing well now and wishing you all the best.

[hardlesson]

Hi Got It

 

I wished I had the presence of mind to join such a forum when I was with my married man. I may have been able to face up to the cold, hard truth sooner.

 

What upsets me is that I know there will be some women reading this thread who are in exactly the same boat as I was. But they'll be utterly convinced, as I was, that their situation is different and that their MM really does love them and really will leave their wife. I know that because I thought the same. The sad truth is, they won't. Or it is extremely unlikely.

 

Thank you for advising. You're so right about that. It's not the words, it's the action. And even then, as another poster commented, actions don't mean anything....they may well go back to their wives even after divorce proceedings have commenced and they've moved in with you.

 

Thank you. I hope you are doing good.

 

X

[movingon123]

Hi Got It

 

I wished I had the presence of mind to join such a forum when I was with my married man. I may have been able to face up to the cold, hard truth sooner.

 

I completely agree that I wish I had seen this forum or similar while I was in my relationship.

 

I want to add that not only will they not leave their spouse (and because of circumstances I knew mine couldn't) but if you have a d-day they may not even give you any kind, parting words no matter how long or deep your relationship or how little of a relationship they swear exists between them and their BS. I hope others in an A read this because this part is really hard. They may not even leave you with any words and you will have to face that you will never speak to or see them again. This is what I have struggled with is the lack of closure and therefore not knowing what the hell I meant to him. I'm just glad it didn't last longer than it did (knew him for almost 3 years and intimate for over a year).

[hardlesson]

Movingon123

 

I am so sorry for your pain. I really feel it :-(

 

Thanks for sharing that....it's a painful read. Many women reading this may not feel their MM is capable of doing this. I hope others can take something away from that.

 

I am sorry it's so difficult for you. I spent some time asking the same questions...'what the hell was all this about?! What did I even mean to you??'

 

I think the key when you don't have closure on something is to change the way you think about it. Acceptance. It's so hard. But...I can tell you that it really does get better.

 

Take good care and thanks again x

[Popsicle]

Popsicle....the short answer to that is 'no'. Because that's where his wife lived.

 

We casually dated and only became serious a few months prior to me finding out he was married. In those months of becoming more serious, I never went to his home. He lives right at the bottom of the country and travelled with work to up North so it was always my house and never his. I thought that was because of convenience but now I know it was because his wife was there!

 

And, of course, when I found out he was married, visiting his house was out of the question because she was there pretty much all the time.

 

Please....anyone who is reading this don't make the same mistake as I did. They will tell you what you want to hear. The mistress can't give the husband what a wife does. I mean, there's no opportunity to because the wife is already playing that role. There's no competition because she'll always win.

 

Two lessons I learned were: 1) Always ASK if they are married or taken within minutes of meeting them (you'd be surprised how many say yes) and then abort after that if they are. 2) Always see their place asap if they say they are single and never engage in LDR's or online relationships - they are conducive atmospheres for cheating.

[NewLeaf512]

Newleaf...that's great advice. I wish I had done that!

I wish I had too

[NewLeaf512]

I completely agree that I wish I had seen this forum or similar while I was in my relationship.

 

I want to add that not only will they not leave their spouse (and because of circumstances I knew mine couldn't) but if you have a d-day they may not even give you any kind, parting words no matter how long or deep your relationship or how little of a relationship they swear exists between them and their BS. I hope others in an A read this because this part is really hard. They may not even leave you with any words and you will have to face that you will never speak to or see them again. This is what I have struggled with is the lack of closure and therefore not knowing what the hell I meant to him. I'm just glad it didn't last longer than it did (knew him for almost 3 years and intimate for over a year).

 

Moving on I know you know that neither one of us got closure. It's terrible in one way and great in the other when you get dropped in a black hole suddenly.

 

Terrible: you keep asking yourself why and picking apart every detail to try to gain understanding which you never find.

 

great: going NC is already done for you and you are less likely (in my case totally certain) once you realise what's happened so you don't contact him and humiliate yourself.

 

I'm with OP. Run as fast as possible.

[Grapesofwrath]

One thing to consider about divorce, especially if the MM/MW has children: In order to go through with a divorce, your desire NOT to see your spouse has to outweight your desire TO see your kids every day. I think most MM/MW are dissatisfied in their marriages to one extent or another, but not enough to do anything about it in terms of making a real change. Instead, they manage the issues by having an A, to meet the unmet needs. Selfish, cowardly, and very common.

 

Another thing I've frequently thought about is whether I would really want the xMM if he was available. I wouldn't. He has shown himself to be exquisitely selfish, deceitful, conflict avoidant, hypocritical, and duplicitous. I don't know how I could ever trust anything he says. He is an opportunist who thinks of his own best interests first. He gives lip service to being one kind of man, while his actions show something else altogether. Complete lack of integrity. Frankly, I'd rather be alone than having to look over my shoulder all the time because I couldn't trust him.

[Josmatjes]

One thing to consider about divorce, especially if the MM/MW has children: In order to go through with a divorce, your desire NOT to see your spouse has to outweight your desire TO see your kids every day. I think most MM/MW are dissatisfied in their marriages to one extent or another, but not enough to do anything about it in terms of making a real change. Instead, they manage the issues by having an A, to meet the unmet needs. Selfish, cowardly, and very common.

 

Another thing I've frequently thought about is whether I would really want the xMM if he was available. I wouldn't. He has shown himself to be exquisitely selfish, deceitful, conflict avoidant, hypocritical, and duplicitous. I don't know how I could ever trust anything he says. He is an opportunist who thinks of his own best interests first. He gives lip service to being one kind of man, while his actions show something else altogether. Complete lack of integrity. Frankly, I'd rather be alone than having to look over my shoulder all the time because I couldn't trust him.

 

I've often thought this also. I could never trust him after all the lies. I was blinded by pretty words and attention meanwhile when the mask slipped off it was an ugly monster trying to lure me in! Any woman in an affair needs to realize that the odds were stacked against her. I never once asked my mm to leave his wife for me. I just wanted truth from him. But if they can't give truth to the woman they made vows to what makes an ow think he will be truthful with her!

[Grapesofwrath]

I've often thought this also. I could never trust him after all the lies. I was blinded by pretty words and attention meanwhile when the mask slipped off it was an ugly monster trying to lure me in! Any woman in an affair needs to realize that the odds were stacked against her. I never once asked my mm to leave his wife for me. I just wanted truth from him. But if they can't give truth to the woman they made vows to what makes an ow think he will be truthful with her!

 

Same here, Jo. I never asked him to leave her for me. Not even close. I just asked for some truthful answers about why he was in the A. He couldn't even give me that...probably because he couldn't tolerate that kind of self-exploration. Someone on one of theses threads once wisely said that people like this who lie to others which regularity and facility start that process by lying to themselves.

[movingon123]

Moving on I know you know that neither one of us got closure. It's terrible in one way and great in the other when you get dropped in a black hole suddenly.

 

Terrible: you keep asking yourself why and picking apart every detail to try to gain understanding which you never find.

 

great: going NC is already done for you and you are less likely (in my case totally certain) once you realise what's happened so you don't contact him and humiliate yourself.

 

I'm with OP. Run as fast as possible.

 

Yes, I do keep picking apart the details and trying to figure out not only what did I mean to him, but now what do I think of the relationship? I mean, he ended it poorly and immaturely with me, but does that mean my overall memory of the relationship also must be negative? I don't like holding grudges and would like to still hold some good memories of the time. My therapist pointed out that relationships are never black and white so I can feel good about some parts while also feeling like he is a horrible jerk with others.

 

And no, no contact for me.

[Goodbye]

There are SO many similarities between stories on here. My exMM presented much like yours did....first he was divorcing because his WIFE wanted one, then the story shifted, and yes...I feel for so much obvious stuff. Like the wives, the OW can put blinders on to really obvious stuff. I had the same behavior with the ultimatums...I'd cut him off and the flowers would come, lots of dramatic love letters...promises, promises, promises.

 

I also got very depressed. And angry. After breaking it off with him the last time, I told his W. Thought that would stop him, and it sort of did....for a while.

 

My exMM resurfaced after NC for almost a year when he found out I was in a new relationship. Lots of begging. I actually had to change my phone number and threaten police involvement.

 

It is such an emotionally destructive lifestyle, being the OW. I'm glad you've moved on and are slowly healing.