He will never leave his wife for you.

[cocorico]

I think anyone involved with a MM or married to an idiot cheater like me are all doormats or codependent.

 

I was never a doormat, neither during the A nor since. Nor was I codependent.

 

If you settle for less than you want,many it's making you unhappy, then whether you are a BW or OW or WS or anything else, don't be a doormat - leave.

 

(If it works for you, then, as you were - enjoy it.)

[Got it]

I know I had codependency issues in my younger years but I would comfortably say that isn't the case now. I am not in this marriage or with this man because I need/have to be. I am here because I want to be. But if some dynamic changed where that wasn't the case I am not obligated nor stuck. I am both financially and emotionally independent and actually saw a lot of great pros on being single. The ease/indulgence of not needing to compromise with another adult about my daily life decisions is . . . . well decadent.

 

So this is it for me. I would be very happy single and independent and just enjoying my friends/family, my child, and my horses/pets.

[ladydesigner]

I was never a doormat, neither during the A nor since. Nor was I codependent.

 

If you settle for less than you want,many it's making you unhappy, then whether you are a BW or OW or WS or anything else, don't be a doormat - leave.

 

(If it works for you, then, as you were - enjoy it.)

 

Guess I should have chose better wording.

 

cocorico you are one of the few OW here who didn't put up with a 'lesser' treatment, I feel it is what propelled your R to move forward with your MM.

[ktya]

Not true.

 

I struggle with the concept daily. I almost left her for the AP and have contemplated it daily.

 

Maybe your AP feels that way, but not all do.

[cocorico]

Not true.

 

I struggle with the concept daily. I almost left her for the AP and have contemplated it daily.

 

Maybe your AP feels that way, but not all do.

 

That's a sweet sentiment, but the situations aren't strictly comparable.

 

It's considerably easier to leave a GF you have only recently gotten engaged to, following a fairly brief R, for another with whom you've had a simultaneous R of equal length (with both knowing about each other, and everything in the open), than it is to leave a marriage, especially one of many years / decades, with kids, shared property, and all manner of other complexities.

 

Even in your position, you "struggle with the concept". For a married person, with legal ties, dependant children and financial entanglements, it's far more than a "struggle with a concept", as many of the stories on these boards will attest.

 

Some do leave. Some don't. But no one should ever hang on to a R that is not giving them what they need, because of a desperate hope that one day, things will be different.

[Lion Heart]

I always wonder how often it happens that mm leaves, goes with ow and once he realizes they are not a good match, stays anyway to save face...

 

Well it happens ofcourse. How much...who knows.

My Wayward Father left our family for his mistress.

Had a ridiculously stressful M with OW and her 2 abusive sons.

I often sat at their dinner table, listening to the horrible verbal abuse and wondered why he didn't come back to us.

 

WF family couldn't STAND OW / WSM (Wayward Step Mother) and her brutish children. They tolerated a visit once a year.

 

Yes. He stayed. He had caused the first divorce in his family history and he wasn't Dg again.

 

WF died young.

 

Lion Heart.

[Dela]

Very nice post. Thanks

MM broke up with me 4 days ago and he knew for over a month that his W cheated on him all this time. Amd still he broke up with ME!

So, even if there are men who do leave, most of the others don t and are full of crap. I can t believe i listened to him all this time blabing about how he wants to handle the situation ok if he divorces, to be able to have acces to his kids whenever he wants. And when he had a good reason to get out, he didn t.

Well, i think he and his wife deserve each other, since both of them are lying cheating bastards.

[NewLeaf512]

After reading this thread one can pretty much figure out where their relationship is going.

 

Do a search on stats with affairs, etc., etc. and there's a lot of info out there. Some pretty good.

 

Statistically, the MM will probably stay with his wife, and the chance of him divorcing the wife and marrying the other woman is very low (Probably less than 10%, depending on whose stats you fine). Now, if you do get married, the chances of success are only slightly worse that any second or third marriage, somewhere in the 75% range.

 

So, overall stats on ending up in a permanent relationship that lasts with an AP are very low, probably in the 5% range.

 

There's also a lot of rumors and good facts on affairs, do a search on them. Reasons for the affair, etc. Here's a few:

 

Myth #1: Most people who cheat are looking for an affair when it happens.

 

Myth #2: Most people drift from their spouses for someone younger or more attractive.

 

Myth #3: Affairs almost always spell the end of marriage.

 

Myth #4: Once a cheater, always a cheater.

 

Myth #5: Affairs happen because something is wrong with the marriage.

 

Myth #6: Affairs are all about sex.

 

Myth #7: If there's no sex, there's no affair.

 

Myth #8: Cheating really is never about just sex; it's about other marital issues.

 

Myth #9: Most people who have affairs are unhappy in their marriage.

 

Myth #10: Once an affair is out in the open, even if a couple stays together, they can never be happy together again.

 

And add in the factor that there a many variations of an affair, some can be justified. Some are complicated, some are simple, kids, no kids, family, friends, etc. all have their influences.

 

So, success with an affair just depends on what the situation is.

 

However, as we have seen here, seems like the majority of them have major problems.

 

Food for thought.

 

Hi OR

 

If a person is happy and fulfilled in their M why would they have an A?

[Lois_Griffin]

Hi OR

 

If a person is happy and fulfilled in their M why would they have an A?

I have to say I've known quite a few people in my lifetime who simply cheated for the fun and excitement. They did it for sport. The did it out of boredom.

 

They did it simply because they could.

 

Some did it strictly for variety because they couldn't accept knowing that they'd only have sex with one person for the rest of their lives.

 

Not everyone cheats because something is lacking in their marriage. And not every affair is some great love affair of the heart. Many are based on fondness for each other and a sexual attraction and connection.

[NewLeaf512]

I have to say I've known quite a few people in my lifetime who simply cheated for the fun and excitement. They did it for sport. The did it out of boredom.

 

They did it simply because they could.

 

Some did it strictly for variety because they couldn't accept knowing that they'd only have sex with one person for the rest of their lives.

 

Not everyone cheats because something is lacking in their marriage. And not every affair is some great love affair of the heart. Many are based on fondness for each other and a sexual attraction and connection.

 

I believe that not all A are great love affairs.

 

If you are happy in your M 100% and fulfilled then lack of variety, sport or just because not only make that WW a horrible person, but not happy or 100% fulfilled.

 

If you are completely fulfilled with something you don't need variety. You are satisfied and happy with what you have.

[Popsicle]

I have to say I've known quite a few people in my lifetime who simply cheated for the fun and excitement. They did it for sport. The did it out of boredom.

 

They did it simply because they could.

 

Some did it strictly for variety because they couldn't accept knowing that they'd only have sex with one person for the rest of their lives.

 

Not everyone cheats because something is lacking in their marriage. And not every affair is some great love affair of the heart. Many are based on fondness for each other and a sexual attraction and connection.

 

Have you ever seen these married people who have absolutely no clue why they had an affair? Their mind is boggled about themselves because they thought they had a good marriage. They thought they were happy. They thought they had everything. Some even go to therapy just to figure out WHY they had an affair. That is what they are left doing after the A ends. They still don't know why. I don't know about you or anyone else, but I see a cognitive dissonance. To each his/her own.

[gettingstronger]

Have you ever seen these married people who have absolutely no clue why they had an affair? Their mind is boggled about themselves because they thought they had a good marriage. They thought they were happy. They thought they had everything. Some even go to therapy just to figure out WHY they had an affair. That is what they are left doing after the A ends. They still don't know why. I don't know about you or anyone else, but I see a cognitive dissonance. To each his/her own.

 

 

 

Agree- its interesting and sad to watch someone try to figure themselves out after an affair- I know my husband just can not wrap his head around his actions- its been a gut wrenching experience for both of us- for me, I think well how did you not see this coming and I think I will never understand it because he will never understand it- I do wonder if he will ever truly like himself again and thats really a sad thing to witness-