Is this going to work out or am I delusional?

[Brit24]

Hey all,

 

I'll start by telling you about the relationship that I'm currently in: We're both 18 years old, I live in England and her America. We met on a chat application back in December 2014 and at first we were just friends but our feelings progressed after video chatting more and even though I should have waited until meeting, on 25th February 2015 I officially asked her to be my girlfriend and she said yes.

 

Since then, our relationship has been perfect. March passed then April did too and In May I booked plane tickets to see her in July after I had finished my school exams. We both got excited and we counted down the days until we finally got to see each other, my exams finished and suddenly it was 3rd July and I flew to Chicago and then to Oklahoma. Seeing her face was the most surreal thing that has ever happened to me, I spent 2 weeks with her and my feelings grew even stronger being with her physically and I knew this relationship was right. Her family LOVED me which I was nervous about and thought I was an amazing guy for her, I am currently learning Spanish as that is their first language over English but we communicated fine. We had some laughs with the different pronunciations of Americans and Brits such as water and wader.

 

After leaving, I experienced the typical post-meeting depression which happens to most LDR couples. After a month I was back to myself and we were stronger than ever. Now we talk about marriage, children and spending our lives together and sometimes I start to wonder to myself whether this is actually going to happen OR are we just living in a dream. The plan is either: 1. For me to finish University here in England and go and move to her city at 21, the only problem being that I wouldn't know anyone but on the upside I would be able to find a good job there OR 2. For her to study here in England and then hopefully stay here. The final alternative is for me to go over to study in America in Sept 2016 in a college where I would only know her and her sister and would have no friends there which would be tough for me.

 

We both have busy lives but talk to each other every day over text, call and we Skype as much as possible. Every day in my mind I see myself being with her for a very long time but there's always a nagging feeling in the back of my head of 'what if' something happens and this is all for nothing. We are a normal couple, we miss each other, have arguments (mainly about the distance) but we are each other's best friend. Sometimes I think my mood swings will push her away but she continues to support me and stay by my side.

 

In December she will be making the journey to England for 2 weeks and I'm so excited but I just want to know if this relationship has a realistic chance of working out OR am I just wasting my time focusing on a pipe dream? I think I'm crazy for wanting to move away to an 'unknown' place where I would only know her family and I would have to make friends, which wouldn't be too much of an issue as I'm a sociable guy. Love is blind and I never want to be apart from her, the only person I see myself ever being with. I've never felt this way about anyone before and It scares the life out of me, I guess I just need reassurance off people who are willing to listen.

Edited September 13, 2015 by Brit24

[TMichaels]

Welcome to LS, Brit24.

 

It's nice that you and your LD G/F had a chance to meet and spend some time together this summer. The fact that you got along fine in person and it seems your relationship is stronger than ever as a result is a good thing. Too many people who meet online live in a fantasy world for months and years about who each other really are. Good for you for taking steps to find out whether "the spark" is real or just wishful thinking.

 

It's also a good thing that you're questioning whether being permanently together is possible or that the idea is just a nice fairy tale/fantasy. Why? Because despite still being in a "love haze" which is natural at the beginning of any relationship, you're attempting to get your feet on the ground and be realistic. Good for you, as as I said, many do not.

 

What I can tell you is if being together is what you think you both want, it's going to take a lot of time, money, dedication and sacrifice to make it happen. Basically, it comes down to, "is the person and the relationship worth it?" You can't know that after one in-person, two-week visit.

 

I'm a bit worried about the fact that more than once you mentioned in your post that you're concerned about coming to the US as you won't know anyone except for your GF and maybe a couple of her family members. If that's an insurmountable obstacle on your part, then I would say don't bother continuing the relationship as in order for you to be together, both of you are going to have to compromise and sacrifice - not just on the small things, but the big things, too.

 

But, on the other hand you're only 18. As you get older, something like that won't be as much of a concern to you. Life is always a series of trade-offs and as time goes by it gets easier to cope with forgoing "X" in order to have "Y."

 

So, what would I do if I were you?

 

Well, the only way you can know whether or not it makes sense for you two to be together permanently is to spend more time together in person temporarily.

 

It's good your GF is planning on coming over to visit you and stay for two weeks in December. It's important for her to also have a chance to see you "in your native environment" -- especially since, as you suggested, having her come to study/live in England might be a possibility. She also needs/should be giving some thought to what it would be live to uproot herself from her friends/family if she were to move to the UK and it will be easier for her to envision/think about that by actually being there.

 

Is there any way either of you could spend your summer holidays in each other's country? You can stay up to three months a year in the US on a Tourist Visa. I believe on a tourist visa a foreigner can stay up to six months in the UK. Again, that would give the two of you another extended period of time together which would be much better than a week or two now and then, as short visits tend to have a fairy tale quality about them.

 

To be totally realistic, can the two of you afford to make such visits? It sounds like you're either already at college/university or planning to attend. What about your GF? Is she going to college already or enrolled this fall? Who's paying for the tuition? Where is/will the money coming from to finance your education and/or your travel/visits?

 

Regardless, there's one thing the two of you MUST do. That's to finish your college/university education. DO NOT sacrifice that for the sake of this or any relationship as the ramifications will last a lifetime which you will regret and possibly resent the other person for down the road.

 

Again, back to what I would do? Considering you're both only 18, I'd stay in school and continue to try and visit each other as often as practical, including looking into whether it would be possible to spend time in each other's company during summer school holidays.

 

If things are still going well in a couple of years, I'd look into spending the last year or two of my studies as a foreign student at the same college/university as my BF/GF so we could be together on a more permanent basis.

 

If you and your GF are still going strong, I'd check into the in's and out's of fiancé/marriage visas. Generally, it *isn't* a good idea to be in a country on one type of visa (tourist or student, for example), do something like get married while there, and then try and change your status (to foreign national spouse) so you can stay in the country. It can get you deported, barred from re-entry, or ever getting a subsequent immigration application accepted, etc. You need to do your homework AND have the money to pay for the fees before contemplating marriage with a foreigner so that you do it right the first time.

 

After graduation, the question then becomes what location provides the most potential in terms of job availability, salary, stability, etc. Once you know that, it will be come a lot clearer who needs to move where, and what sort of immigration proceedings you should initiate.

 

Yes, I know. This all sounds like a long, boring, expensive road -- especially since at this point in your relationship you'd prefer immediate gratification. But, that's the reality of the situation. Only you and your GF can figure out and know whether the sacrifices and investments that will need to be made will be worth it. But, don't put the cart in front of the horse. Take things one step at a time. If it's meant to be, it will be -- but not immediately.

 

HTH,

TMichaels

Edited September 13, 2015 by TMichaels

[BlueBlood]

You're both so young. I changed so much from 18-28, it's a decade of self discovery and new perspectives. For now I'd focus on enjoying what you have and getting good grades in school. If it's meant to be, it'll happen between you two. I don't know that many high school sweethearts together in their thirties still but it occationally happens.

[d0nnivain]

Talking about marriage when you are 18 is unrealistic under the best of circumstances. When you are in an international LDR it's even more unlikely.

 

 

University changes many people. When you both go off to school, your worlds will open up.

 

 

Then you have all the immigration issues.

 

 

While I don't hold out much hope for you two I do wish you well.

[Brit24]

Welcome to LS, Brit24.

 

It's nice that you and your LD G/F had a chance to meet and spend some time together this summer. The fact that you got along fine in person and it seems your relationship is stronger than ever as a result is a good thing. Too many people who meet online live in a fantasy world for months and years about who each other really are. Good for you for taking steps to find out whether "the spark" is real or just wishful thinking.

 

It's also a good thing that you're questioning whether being permanently together is possible or that the idea is just a nice fairy tale/fantasy. Why? Because despite still being in a "love haze" which is natural at the beginning of any relationship, you're attempting to get your feet on the ground and be realistic. Good for you, as as I said, many do not.

 

What I can tell you is if being together is what you think you both want, it's going to take a lot of time, money, dedication and sacrifice to make it happen. Basically, it comes down to, "is the person and the relationship worth it?" You can't know that after one in-person, two-week visit.

 

I'm a bit worried about the fact that more than once you mentioned in your post that you're concerned about coming to the US as you won't know anyone except for your GF and maybe a couple of her family members. If that's an insurmountable obstacle on your part, then I would say don't bother continuing the relationship as in order for you to be together, both of you are going to have to compromise and sacrifice - not just on the small things, but the big things, too.

 

But, on the other hand you're only 18. As you get older, something like that won't be as much of a concern to you. Life is always a series of trade-offs and as time goes by it gets easier to cope with forgoing "X" in order to have "Y."

 

So, what would I do if I were you?

 

Well, the only way you can know whether or not it makes sense for you two to be together permanently is to spend more time together in person temporarily.

 

It's good your GF is planning on coming over to visit you and stay for two weeks in December. It's important for her to also have a chance to see you "in your native environment" -- especially since, as you suggested, having her come to study/live in England might be a possibility. She also needs/should be giving some thought to what it would be live to uproot herself from her friends/family if she were to move to the UK and it will be easier for her to envision/think about that by actually being there.

 

Is there any way either of you could spend your summer holidays in each other's country? You can stay up to three months a year in the US on a Tourist Visa. I believe on a tourist visa a foreigner can stay up to six months in the UK. Again, that would give the two of you another extended period of time together which would be much better than a week or two now and then, as short visits tend to have a fairy tale quality about them.

 

To be totally realistic, can the two of you afford to make such visits? It sounds like you're either already at college/university or planning to attend. What about your GF? Is she going to college already or enrolled this fall? Who's paying for the tuition? Where is/will the money coming from to finance your education and/or your travel/visits?

 

Regardless, there's one thing the two of you MUST do. That's to finish your college/university education. DO NOT sacrifice that for the sake of this or any relationship as the ramifications will last a lifetime which you will regret and possibly resent the other person for down the road.

 

Again, back to what I would do? Considering you're both only 18, I'd stay in school and continue to try and visit each other as often as practical, including looking into whether it would be possible to spend time in each other's company during summer school holidays.

 

If things are still going well in a couple of years, I'd look into spending the last year or two of my studies as a foreign student at the same college/university as my BF/GF so we could be together on a more permanent basis.

 

If you and your GF are still going strong, I'd check into the in's and out's of fiancé/marriage visas. Generally, it *isn't* a good idea to be in a country on one type of visa (tourist or student, for example), do something like get married while there, and then try and change your status (to foreign national spouse) so you can stay in the country. It can get you deported, barred from re-entry, or ever getting a subsequent immigration application accepted, etc. You need to do your homework AND have the money to pay for the fees before contemplating marriage with a foreigner so that you do it right the first time.

 

After graduation, the question then becomes what location provides the most potential in terms of job availability, salary, stability, etc. Once you know that, it will be come a lot clearer who needs to move where, and what sort of immigration proceedings you should initiate.

 

Yes, I know. This all sounds like a long, boring, expensive road -- especially since at this point in your relationship you'd prefer immediate gratification. But, that's the reality of the situation. Only you and your GF can figure out and know whether the sacrifices and investments that will need to be made will be worth it. But, don't put the cart in front of the horse. Take things one step at a time. If it's meant to be, it will be -- but not immediately.

 

HTH,

TMichaels

 

Thank you for the reply TMichaels..

 

Firstly, I don't believe that me being apprehensive about not knowing anybody in the US would stop me from going, I'd make friends and get to know people and hopefully make a good life for my SO and I there. I would be willing to make that sacrifice.

 

In response to your question about if either of us is able to spend the whole summer in the other's country, the answer is Yes. Hopefully, I will be staying in the US from May-July next summer and it will allow us to spend more time together as you say.

 

I don't think, for either of us, funding is an issue to travel to each other's country. I have loans for University which have to be paid off in the future when I earn X amount of money per year in a job and she has lot's of scholarships due to her GPA etc. But still has to fund her accommodation which is quite costly.

 

I think I will stay in England to complete University or spend the first couple of years here and possibly spend 1/2 years in America as an International student. The University she attends already informed me that they are very welcoming to international students.

 

We're going to do lot's of research about migration which can be difficult in some cases but hopefully we will be prepared and ready, thank you for the information regarding that.

 

At this moment in time, we're not 100% sure about where we want to live. She currently lives in Oklahoma, where the weather is drastic in both the summer and winter so that's something I would need to get used to. She did tell me, however, that OK isn't where we wants to stay so I'm sure there are lot's of options for us.

 

As you say, it will be a long and expensive road for both of us. It all comes down to the question 'Is it worth it?' and I believe one day, yes It will be. We're both willing to make the sacrifices necessary to make this work.

 

Thankyou! CC.

Edited September 13, 2015 by Brit24

[ExpatInItaly]

Talking about marriage when you are 18 is unrealistic under the best of circumstances. When you are in an international LDR it's even more unlikely.

 

 

University changes many people. When you both go off to school, your worlds will open up.

 

 

Then you have all the immigration issues.

 

 

While I don't hold out much hope for you two I do wish you well.

 

All of this.

 

I can speak from experience that moving abroad isn't simple at all. You will have a lot of challenges in obtaining the correct visas and study/work permits, as both the US and UK are strict about this. You can't just simply up and move to either country and assume you'll be given a job. There are a number of legal, financial and various other bureaucratic criteria to fulfill before you will be granted permission to study or work in a foreign country. Please take this into consideration before you think about planning a future together.

[Brit24]

All of this.

 

I can speak from experience that moving abroad isn't simple at all. You will have a lot of challenges in obtaining the correct visas and study/work permits, as both the US and UK are strict about this. You can't just simply up and move to either country and assume you'll be given a job. There are a number of legal, financial and various other bureaucratic criteria to fulfill before you will be granted permission to study or work in a foreign country. Please take this into consideration before you think about planning a future together.

 

Thankyou for the advice,

 

We're both smart people, we know what to expect and we're willing to do everything to be together. It may be difficult but not impossible. !

 

CC.

[fred123]

I'm really happy it worked out for you. its good to see that she didnt think it was crazy for you to fly to see her.

I'm us prised she said yes to being your gf before you met cos i did the same thing as you but her answer was different!