Mother's "Jealous" statement toward me?

[circlesinfinity]

pointed out to my mom this cute that's always staring at me.

Then later we saw him sitting on his stoop with a girl.

 

My mom says "Oh! He has girl, he's not looking at you anymore." It hurt because my mom knows that I have trouble with men and also I didn't even look over at him and the girl, because honestly I don't know who she is to him.

 

It's like every time I actually take notice of a man interested in me, she has to tell me something bad!

I told her this bothered me and she pretended like she didn't understand why. It was her nasty statement and not him being with the girl.

 

This is why I told him I didn't want to date and she says I should...I guess so I could be hurt more, lol.

 

Why would she say that hurtful thing to me?

[jen1447]

I don't think it's jealousy, it's protectiveness. Sometimes parents want to put their kids in glass bubbles. Kids don't want to be in them tho generally, so psych manipulation (undermining self esteem, etc.) may be needed to keep them there. Might also be a relevance thing for her. If you spread your wings and fly away her profile becomes diminished.

 

Not all parents are actually grown-up.

[nescafe1982]

I think there can be serious feelings of rivalry between mothers and daughters specifically. Rivalry, protectiveness, or simple self-absorption could be at the root of your mother' hurtful statements. But I think what is bothering you isn't why she's making these remarks... it's that she's making them.

 

Have you tried telling her how this makes you feel?

[BlueBlood]

I dunno her motivation for her callous comment but it seems you really want your mom to be on your team, building you up instead of tearing you down with catty delight. You are perfectly normal for wanting your mom to be kind and thoughtful. Sadly not all moms get the memo to treat their children with supportive love. Fwiw, her comment would have hurt me, too, had I been in your shoes. My mom has said things of that nature before to me, I get where you are left stung and feeling hurt. It actually did a number on my feelings of self worth, tbh. It's amazing what a few words from the right person can do to wound you.

 

I have spoken to my mom a few times. I went "minimal contact" at times when I wasn't up to dealing with her choice comments. I did what I had to do to minimize the impact of her cattiness. It's left us with a shallow relationship and one she complains to other people about, people who she has call me and berate me for being insensitive to her needs. :|

 

Yeah, that was a couple fun phone calls. Not.

 

How old were you when she started making comments that were less than kind? For me it was when I started dating in my teens, I was in my twenties before I learned about boundaries and establishing and maintaining them, though.

[circlesinfinity]

I don't think it's jealousy, it's protectiveness. Sometimes parents want to put their kids in glass bubbles. Kids don't want to be in them tho generally, so psych manipulation (undermining self esteem, etc.) may be needed to keep them there. Might also be a relevance thing for her. If you spread your wings and fly away her profile becomes diminished.

 

Not all parents are actually grown-up.

I know and understand this point of view. I wish I recorded her because it seems like she was being protective buy her tone of voice was more like "Ha-ha, he doesn't want you", its hard to explain and I'm definitely not imagining this.

 

You're right about paych manipulation, I actually still live with her and she got into a fit once I said after I start my career I'm moving out.

 

We can't be with the parent forever...gesh...lol!

[circlesinfinity]

I think there can be serious feelings of rivalry between mothers and daughters specifically. Rivalry, protectiveness, or simple self-absorption could be at the root of your mother' hurtful statements. But I think what is bothering you isn't why she's making these remarks... it's that she's making them.

 

Have you tried telling her how this makes you feel?

 

Yes I told her this but she was confused as to why that remark hurt my feelings. I just told her if she sees a guy I think is interested in me, with a girl not to tell me.

 

So this won't happen again in the future!

[circlesinfinity]

I dunno her motivation for her callous comment but it seems you really want your mom to be on your team, building you up instead of tearing you down with catty delight. You are perfectly normal for wanting your mom to be kind and thoughtful. Sadly not all moms get the memo to treat their children with supportive love. Fwiw, her comment would have hurt me, too, had I been in your shoes. My mom has said things of that nature before to me, I get where you are left stung and feeling hurt. It actually did a number on my feelings of self worth, tbh. It's amazing what a few words from the right person can do to wound you.

 

I have spoken to my mom a few times. I went "minimal contact" at times when I wasn't up to dealing with her choice comments. I did what I had to do to minimize the impact of her cattiness. It's left us with a shallow relationship and one she complains to other people about, people who she has call me and berate me for being insensitive to her needs. :|

 

Yeah, that was a couple fun phone calls. Not.

 

How old were you when she started making comments that were less than kind? For me it was when I started dating in my teens, I was in my twenties before I learned about boundaries and establishing and maintaining them, though.

I am so sorry that you went through this with your mom. I told myself that I will make sure not to do this if I have a daughter (not to say a son doesn't need the love though).

 

The very early comment I remember she made to me was when I was 13 years old, she said she wished I wasn't her daughter. It was because I wanted to dress like my favorite singer, Aaliyah, at the time. It was all black pants with large red Chinese characters and a white dragon on it. Weird. Maybe it was because I admired her and she felt jealous or something...

[mrs rubble]

I don't think your mum was mean, her statement was factual.

It sounds to me that you were being quite boastful, "The cute guy is always staring at me" if her tone sounded derogatory maybe she was trying to keep your ego in check?

[circlesinfinity]

I don't think your mum was mean, her statement was factual.

It sounds to me that you were being quite boastful, "The cute guy is always staring at me" if her tone sounded derogatory maybe she was trying to keep your ego in check?

Hi mrsrubble

Why would a mother say that, knowing her 28 years old daughter is just basically growing confidence in herself? I honestly think no mom that knows her daughter thinks that no man would want her shoudlve said that.

 

I said "every time I see him, he's always staring" my brother was in the car and said he was an attractive guy for me too. My mom said he looked creepy lol. So why does it matter if a creepy guy is with a girl to her?! Or even point that out?!

 

Yes, I know sometimes people have bad ego but I'm not lowering my confidence for no one not family or anyone.

[nescafe1982]

Yes I told her this but she was confused as to why that remark hurt my feelings. I just told her if she sees a guy I think is interested in me, with a girl not to tell me.

 

So this won't happen again in the future!

 

Good, OP! The most we can do with our parents is let them know when they are being hurtful. Whether your mom decides to heed that message or not isn't really in your control.

 

But I'm glad you stood up for yourself! Keep doing so (assertively, but nicely) when she makes biting comments like that.

 

FWIW I don't know whether you were being "boastful" or not; I'm not sure the limited context of your post can demonstrate that. But I do know that "ego-checking" is often directed at a woman who is displaying normal levels of confidence. It's also typically a passive aggressive move on the part of the person who does the "ego-checking."

 

If this is a recurring pattern of yours--say, if you're repeatedly bragging to your mom about the many man who want you--well, that's one thing. But if this was a one-off, random act of you beaming about a dude you like and your mom was unkind, well... I don't think that's boastful at all.

 

Now, if the man staring was creepy.. well, now I might lean towards another poster's notion that your mom might think she's protecting you. But yeah, a lot of the context is lost when discussing it over the internet.

Edited September 14, 2015 by nescafe1982

[Snakechammah]

My mom is the same. She tries to bring me down every opportunity she has.

 

She even throws away clothes that I bought and loved wearing. Clothes that she knows I look good in. I never saw them again lol.

 

But at the end of the day, I know she loves me and is protective of me. It's hard to explain. I'm a doormat to my mom but with good reason. I no longer let her remarks hurt me. Nothing can hurt you if you won't let them.

 

I do tell her about my lovelife. At first, she will usually go on the defensive stance and comments about how delusional I am, as if the guy would actually like me, maybe I was imagining things, etc.

 

I ignore her disparaging remarks and continue telling her - about my crush, the guy who is crushing on me, boyfriends and exes, I keep pushing my way.

 

"MOM, I think someone at work likes me"

"Oh please! You're delusional"

"Mom, he came into my office today."

"I don't believe you"

"Mom, he bought me chocolates today"

"No"

"Mom, he says he likes my shoes"

"NOOO"

"Mom, he's actually quite cute"

"Ok show me his picture"

 

It works. She now regularly asks for updates LOL.

 

My advice is - grow a dinosaur hide. Let all hurtful remarks from her bounce off your skin. Keep LOVING HER as your mom, just ignore her bad comments and focus on developing a positive relationship.

 

You can never change someone's attitude towards you but you can always change how you react to them.

 

All the best!

[circlesinfinity]

Good, OP! The most we can do with our parents is let them know when they are being hurtful. Whether your mom decides to heed that message or not isn't really in your control.

 

But I'm glad you stood up for yourself! Keep doing so (assertively, but nicely) when she makes biting comments like that.

 

FWIW I don't know whether you were being "boastful" or not; I'm not sure the limited context of your post can demonstrate that. But I do know that "ego-checking" is often directed at a woman who is displaying normal levels of confidence. It's also typically a passive aggressive move on the part of the person who does the "ego-checking."

 

If this is a recurring pattern of yours--say, if you're repeatedly bragging to your mom about the many man who want you--well, that's one thing. But if this was a one-off, random act of you beaming about a dude you like and your mom was unkind, well... I don't think that's boastful at all.

 

Now, if the man staring was creepy.. well, now I might lean towards another poster's notion that your mom might think she's protecting you. But yeah, a lot of the context is lost when discussing it over the internet.

Thanks, it took me an hour later to tell her because I wanted to make sure I didn't bite her head off or anything when I told her this.

 

Yes this was one time. I am not that way at all towards anybody. I am always careful about what I say but I'm sick of walking on eggshells. What's the the point of being humble anymore?! >

[SpiralOut]

I know and understand this point of view. I wish I recorded her because it seems like she was being protective buy her tone of voice was more like "Ha-ha, he doesn't want you", its hard to explain and I'm definitely not imagining this.

 

Your gut feeling is right.

 

 

Look up the term gaslighting.