central Posted September 15, 2015 Share Posted September 15, 2015 She needs to be a 10 to me, even if objectively she'd be a 6. And I need to be a 10 to her, even if objectively I'm a 6. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
GoodOnPaper Posted September 15, 2015 Share Posted September 15, 2015 My husband is honest enough to say that he has never found my body particularly desirable This is cruelly insensitive to say. Even if a husband thinks this, he (presumably) cares for his wife -- that alone should make him pause and either avoid this statement altogether or find a much more tactful way of putting it. However . . . My husband is honest enough to say that he has never found my body particularly desirable, but still he asked me out on our first date three years ago because he found my way of being in the world, my sense of humor and my intelligence, sexy. . . . this seems like a big compliment, at least based on all the threads and posts by women wanting to be "treated like a person" or be "wanted for more than sex". I assume the compatibility factor would be pretty high if the couple bothered to get married. Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted September 15, 2015 Share Posted September 15, 2015 Taking the article at face value--if your partner finds you sexy, does it really matter what it is that they find sexy? Looks, personality, other....sexy is sexy. The less shallow the attraction, the more it will endure over time. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
loveflower Posted September 15, 2015 Share Posted September 15, 2015 The thing is when a woman isn't attracted to her husband she can still have sex with him. But for men it is a much bigger problem as men can't have sex unless they get aroused and they can't get aroused if they are not turned on. This is the big drawback in my marriage.. What? I thought the opposite is true. Link to post Share on other sites
Author minimariah Posted September 15, 2015 Author Share Posted September 15, 2015 (edited) Taking the article at face value--if your partner finds you sexy, does it really matter what it is that they find sexy? Looks, personality, other....sexy is sexy. The less shallow the attraction, the more it will endure over time. i agree with this BUT isn't sexual attraction kind of a MUST for a romantic relationship? if you aren't sexually attracted to your partner... then how can your sexual aspect of the relationship be satisfied? can you really have passion if you're only attracted to what is inside and not to what is outside? it's a pretty huge part of a relationship and it seems like a dealbreaker for one partner to NOT be attracted to that part. the article tried to portray a woman who is fine with her partner not finding her desirable but there is a trace of sadness in there... i think. it's like she had to compromise and that compromise left a mark on her. Edited September 15, 2015 by minimariah Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted September 15, 2015 Share Posted September 15, 2015 i agree with this BUT isn't sexual attraction kind of a MUST for a romantic relationship? if you aren't sexually attracted to your partner... then how can your sexual aspect of the relationship be satisfied? can you really have passion if you're only attracted to what is inside and not to what is outside? it's a pretty huge part of a relationship and it seems like a dealbreaker for one partner to NOT be attracted to that part. the article tried to portray a woman who is fine with her partner not finding her desirable but there is a trace of sadness in there... i think. it's like she had to compromise and that compromise left a mark on her. Yes, but sexual attraction doesn't necessarily equal being sexually attracted to body shape. It could be sexual attraction to another aspect of the person. As long as they want to do you, does it matter? A big part of my sexual attraction is NOT based on appearance. So while this may confuse others, it's super clear to me! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
readynow Posted September 15, 2015 Share Posted September 15, 2015 Sorry but no, if my partner doesn't find me beautiful ON THE OUTSIDE and sexy, it just will not work for me. My exH suddenly stopped seeing me as sexy even though I was beautiful and sexy to other men. It was that moment I knew he was having an affair. Who should he be daydreaming of while he's at work? Me. Which hottie should he be looking forward to seeing at the end of the day? Me. I want him ushering the little one to bed quickly so he can get a piece of me. When that hot girl walks by, he's not wondering about her awesome personality. I want him glad he has me. I know it's probably very vain of me but I think a man should find his woman attractive and let her know it. I hope that article is just fiction. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted September 15, 2015 Share Posted September 15, 2015 OK - first I admit, I haven't read the article, and my reaction is based off the quote alone. First - like others have said, why would you ever say that to someone you love? Lame I think physical attractiveness is important - to an extent. I have never considered myself very "pretty" - growing up I was always the smart one, while my sister was the beautiful one (she modeled for Guess for christs sake!) And thus, I never closely tied my self worth to outer beauty. I try to take care of my body and pay close attention to grooming, but I am never going to be a beauty queen. I don't NEED compliments on my "beauty" - and maybe it IS a self esteem issue, but I can be skeptical of the ones I get. I am sure I have dated guys who were more into my personality then my looks - and I have never felt hurt by that (I value one more than the other). And have landed some HOT guys with my confidence and fun / out going way (totally out of my league in the looks department). As for attraction, I couldn't "get" with someone I found repulsive, but I have had OUTSTANDING sex with someone who wasnt my type physically (skinny dude, hated his ahead of its time man bun!) And I can LUST after someone I find extremely attractive, but relationships take a lot more than lust. All that said - I find my partner attractive physically, and once you add personality etc its a whole package that works for me. And when he puts his hands around my face, and exclaims that I am "so beautiful" in the heat of passion - I believe I am beautiful to him, but still don't think that's based solely off of looks. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted September 15, 2015 Share Posted September 15, 2015 Sorry but no, if my partner doesn't find me beautiful ON THE OUTSIDE and sexy, it just will not work for me. There should be a level of physical attraction, but let's face it, there will always be someone prettier/ sexier - that's where the rest of the package becomes important. I don't mind if my partner looks at a beautiful woman - I do too! Or I might eye a hot guy - it takes more than looks to keep me. Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted September 15, 2015 Share Posted September 15, 2015 I think the misunderstanding comes from our insistence that there is ONE narrow objective definition of what is "beautiful." Yeah, there are trends that many find appealing and others have decided they are ":supposed to" find appealing. But the real truth is that there ISN'T only one kind of beautiful. So when a man says he finds me beautiful, I do not think "He finds something about me beautiful in spite of the fact that I don't look like X magazine," I choose to believe that because they have good eyesight...they find ME beautiful When someone says they do not have an attractive body (even when their partner finds them attractive), what they are really saying is "My body doesn't fit into X box." 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Oregon_Dude Posted September 16, 2015 Share Posted September 16, 2015 Not all women are beautiful. Unfortunately, however, all little girls are raised being told that they ARE beautiful. As a culture, we place such an emphasis on physical beauty (especially in females) that we will even lie to women by telling them that they are beautiful, when they are not. There't nothing wrong with not being beautiful. You may not turn heads, but you can more than compensate with your intellect, kindness, empathy and so much more. This idea that all women have to be beautiful is nonsense. You can't help the way your face looks when you're born. You CAN, however, control your weight, your attitude, your style, your education, how you view life and how you treat people. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted September 16, 2015 Share Posted September 16, 2015 Unfortunately, however, all little girls are raised being told that they ARE beautiful. As a culture, we place such an emphasis on physical beauty (especially in females) that we will even lie to women by telling them that they are beautiful, when they are not. Again, the assumption that there is one definition of beauty. There's not, no matter how Abercrombie or Cosmo or Victoria's Secret protest. Personally I find a man with no neck, a flat top, and a body like a muscly Stretch Armstrong HIGHLY UNappealing....but apparently some women find it hot. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Quiet Storm Posted September 16, 2015 Share Posted September 16, 2015 My husband and I still think each other is hot, 24 years later. However, I do wonder... will we still think that when we are 80? Will it even matter at that point? Or will he be looking for my glasses while I'm counting out his pills? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
star gaze Posted September 16, 2015 Share Posted September 16, 2015 The OP question is similar to the question somebody posted few weeks ago " when your SO says you are not best sex they had" or something similar. Link to post Share on other sites
kilgore Posted September 16, 2015 Share Posted September 16, 2015 Attraction is subjective but if your partner doesn't find you attractive that would be heartbreaking and likely the end. It has to be, right? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
readynow Posted September 16, 2015 Share Posted September 16, 2015 There should be a level of physical attraction, but let's face it, there will always be someone prettier/ sexier - that's where the rest of the package becomes important. I don't mind if my partner looks at a beautiful woman - I do too! Or I might eye a hot guy - it takes more than looks to keep me. I agree, for me, I'm not usually attracted to looks. I usually fall for the chivalrous charmer and looks come secondary. But as we know, physical attraction is important to most men so in this article, it's pretty sad that a woman knows her man doesn't find her attractive. There's this couple that walk by my building every morning. The guy is average looking and the lady a little less that average, short and overweight with very long thin hair. They walk every weekday morning, his arm round her waist, hand resting on the top side of her bum, getting a squeeze every now and then. He always looks at her when they talk, if they're standing, his hands are everywhere! That man is attracted to her even though she's doesn't seem attractive in general. One doesn't have to be beautiful to the whole world and you are right that there will always be someone more beautiful but if there is just one person that finds you sexy, it should be the man having sex with you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SolG Posted September 16, 2015 Share Posted September 16, 2015 (edited) & i was intrigued by this part ---My husband is honest enough to say that he has never found my body particularly desirable, but still he asked me out on our first date three years ago because he found my way of being in the world, my sense of humor and my intelligence, sexy. I too am intrigued by this. Because to me the key part of it--'way of being in the world'--rings so true. How many times have you caught a glimpse of someone and wondered why they are in the world the way they are? The woman who if she stood a little straighter, or wore something less voluminous, or pushed her hair off her face... Or the man who if he looked you more directly in the eyes, or wore his shirt rather than let it wear him... Or if they smiled... Maybe they would see the latent beauty that I see. Or conversely... That woman whose face is not quite symmetrical and her nose is too long, or the guy whose hair is wild and he's shorter than you normally like... But you're drawn to them anyway because of that je ne sais quoi. Beauty is in the eye and and the heart and the mind of the beholder, as a result of the sum of the seen and felt and experienced. I cannot count the times that beauty and attraction and desire have unfolded in front of me from the most unassuming packages when I've had the incentive and inclination to unwrap. Maybe what part of the author here is expressing is the poignant wish for that desire to be desired without being unwrapped and laid bare. That exotic, desire in a glance that she experiences with a stranger in a cafe. Because it's easy desire, it doesn't have to be earned through any vulnerability or disclosure if your packaging incites it on its own. But isn't it more fulfilling and ultimately 'real' to be desired for your totality? A totality that includes a wrapping that is perhaps ageing and tattered and not ostensibly beautiful in its own right... But isn't it on some level validating for a lover to tell you that if you were just the skin you wear I would not find you desirous... What I find desirous is all of you, and your way of being in the world... Isn't there a beauty and deep romance in that? Edited September 16, 2015 by SolG 3 Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted September 16, 2015 Share Posted September 16, 2015 Isn't there a beauty and deep romance in that? I don't know but it was certainly stated very passionately. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted September 16, 2015 Share Posted September 16, 2015 As a culture, we place such an emphasis on physical beauty (especially in females) that we will even lie to women by telling them that they are beautiful, when they are not. That's not correct, people will let someone know if her looks are far off the standard. When a girl or woman is ugly she's bound to lead a very tough life, probably even tougher than an ugly guy because unless she goes to the gym and has visible muscles nobody is going to respect her in the slightest. While ugly guys are usually ignored, ugly girls are bullied. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
PrettyEmily77 Posted September 16, 2015 Share Posted September 16, 2015 Don't think it's anything to do with actually valuing your SO's level of physical beauty, though. In my experience, it's about control - finding sthg (anything) to put them down and sabotage their self-esteem, and use that as their tool to manipulate and make ppl feel bad. Link to post Share on other sites
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