Husband has checked out of marriage

[Marie2015]

I am in a quandry and could really use some sound advice or maybe just some support. I 've been married over 30 years , second marriage. Together we raised seven kids between us and are currently raising grandchildren due to bad choices by the parents. The marriage was good initially but over time my husband's true character became clear. He has narcissistic traits, is hyper critical , condescending and disloyal. He has spent most of our years together trashing my children and I to anyone who would listen. This caused a break in our marriage as I have lost all trust or respect for him.

 

Last year my health took a huge hit due to all the never ending stress this marriage has caused and issues with the kids . They have been in and out of trouble for years. I had open heart surgery last year and have been slow in healing completely. I have isolated myself from family over the years and have no friends to speak of. I was always an outgoing , friendly person but life has taken a toll on me.

 

Before my surgery , my husband made it clear he was out of the marriage emotionally. He has checked out . He no longer provides any type of emotional support , he grudgingly helps with the grandkids and does no chores at home. All the bill paying, shopping, cooking and cleaning fall on my shoulders and it is very tiring. I don't have the energy I used to. He admits he is only here due to lack of a place to go and the funds. I think he just enjoys my misery.

 

I guess my question is , after all these years that I hung on for the kids sake and now the grandkids sake , should I summon the will and energy to boot him out and suffer the financial loss for the peace of mind that might follow his leaving. He makes me feel so frustrated and angry most of the time and that is not good for me health wise. Any words of advice. I have shortened my story but there is so much more to it . Thank you .

[carhill]

Welcome to LS

 

I'm 56, male, and my advice is you have one life; it is brief. Make the most of it. If H isn't on board for that, it's been a good run, sort out the particulars and move on.

 

Alternatively, bilaterally rewrite the marital agreement to get your desires met elsewhere

[S2B]

The short answer is yes.

 

 

There isn't a marriage - from what you've described.

 

There's no investment in the union. There's no respect or loyalty you can fall back onto in order to repair the damage that's been caused.

 

More importantly than that, a narcissist will drain you of every ounce of energy you MIGHT have.

 

And you need to recover!

 

 

You need to take care of yourself first. Putting everyone else before you isn't healthy!

 

Keep the kids and THEIR drama away for a LONG while. Sam goes for the grandkids. Let someone step up. When YOU DON'T - someone else will!

 

 

Get busy getting well.

 

Eliminate ALL negativity from your life. Then life becomes worth living!

[Popsicle]

Yes, ma'am, you should. The emotional peace and calm will be worth it, especially considering your health, you need that.

 

PS - read up on "Grey Divorce"

[Marie2015]

Thank you all so much for the quick responses. I guess I know in my heart what I need to do , it's just a bit hard to take that step. Especially now , I am feeling weak and vulnerable. Just prior to the surgery I had actually found a nice little place and was leaving the H and then the heart attack happened. I should begin saving some money and looking into filing a separation paper . He is not here for me in any sense. Physically yes but that is all. He is miserable too. I want my remaining years to ne as tranquil and peaceful as I can . I have had a long row to hoe and it has taken a toll. Hang in there with me as I make these necessary steps.

[Marie2015]

You know , when one of the partners has checked out and is no longer invested in the relationship, it makes for a lonely existence. We don't laugh together , at anything . I have no one to share my thoughts or feelings with and have them validated. It's really of no use to share anything with him. He either uses it to start an argument, no matter what the subject, or he has no clue what I'm talking about and doesn't care enough to ask.

 

I feel so much anger and disgust at what my life has become. I look back at all the times I had the opportunity to change the direction I was going and was too lazy, too complacent , or just too fearful . So many chances to make it different. I should have left years ago. I should not have said yes too many times , when I wanted to say NO and be left alone. Taking on so many issues that weren't mine . Having been used up and all my reserve energy used as well. Then , to protect myself, pulling away from all I knew and loved , afraid they would see the shambles my life has become. Tired and worn out . My looks gone , adding 40 pounds to a frame when I spent a lifetime being slender , now gone. They wouldn't recognize me. I don't recognize me.

[Bobby8419]

I'm sorry you had to deal with that. I didn't know how much narcissism is dealt with in bad marriages. According to the statistics there's only 2 to 16% of narcissism in a marriage. I did some reading today in the way our relationship started almost makes me sound like I'm one. But then if you go to another website and see if you're a decent guy it sounds like you're a narcissist and a decent guy.

[Marie2015]

If your questioning whether your a narcissist , chances are you are not. A true narcissist doesn't see or believe he's wrong in any way so they never question what they do or how they act. Most counselors will tell you that treating a narcissist is usually a failure. They see nothing but perfection in themselves.A true narcissist will wine and dine , pour on the charm, be the most loving and caring person you ever met. Eventually though , it starts to seem as if something is off about them . Something not quite right but nothing you can name. It may take years to realize you have been captured by a narcissist . And usually the damage to your self esteem and psyche has been established. It takes a heavy toll on you and any children in the relationship.

[Grumpybutfun]

Welcome to LS though I am sorry for the reason you here. Being lonely in a marriage has such stressful ramifications that I wouldn't recommend it to anyone. It is time for you to finally seek what you need for you. You have taken care of everyone else long enough...now it is your days in the sun getting the things you need. Releasing toxic people can make your life feel like a new one. I released my parents....the alcoholic and his enabler...and it was the best decision I ever made. Also, I love my kids but I'm their father, not the janitor for their messes. You have been stretched too thin by your family...time for you learn how to say NO.

Best,

Grumps

[Marie2015]

Welcome to LS though I am sorry for the reason you here. Being lonely in a marriage has such stressful ramifications that I wouldn't recommend it to anyone. It is time for you to finally seek what you need for you. You have taken care of everyone else long enough...now it is your days in the sun getting the things you need. Releasing toxic people can make your life feel like a new one. I released my parents....the alcoholic and his enabler...and it was the best decision I ever made. Also, I love my kids but I'm their father, not the janitor for their messes. You have been stretched too thin by your family...time for you learn how to say NO.

Best,

Grumps

 

You have hit the nail on the head ! I am completely depleted. In every way and I know that if I don't make some drastic changes I will continue to decline healthwise. I was given a second chance and I don't want to waste a minute of it. I have a vision of me in a cute little home , a garden outside somewhere , not too big but with flowers and vegetables blooming. My beloved books , a big comfy chair and peace and quiet . A big , comfy bed , my TV and remote close by, watching my favorite shows, and a tall glass of sweet tea. Grandkids coming to see me and then going HOME . I sleep in when I want and eat what I want and watch the sunset . Everything stays in it's place and I don't have to search for everything. Simple things I don't generally get to enjoy.

[Marie2015]

There is a huge difference between being lonely and being alone. What my vision entails is alone time of my own choosing. Not this forced lonliness that is my life in this house. My grandkids help keep me sane and I sort of depend on their company as I have no one else. No family close by and a couple of estranged kids of my own , parents of the grandkids I have. I see my own two but our relationship's are distant and lacking in respect or sympathy. They have disappointed me greatly by shirking their responsibilities to their children , causing me to have to step in. I guess I have assumed so much responsibility for so long I can't fathom someone else totally lacking in it. I am not meaning to ramble on here but feel a genuine comfort in doing so.

[Mr. Lucky]

Also, I love my kids but I'm their father, not the janitor for their messes. You have been stretched too thin by your family...time for you learn how to say NO.

Best,

Grumps

 

Agreed. Having raised seven (:eek:!!!) kids, you've done your part. Time to focus on you and have your interactions with them - husband included - be on your terms...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Marie2015]

Agreed. I go tomorrow to look at a nice little two bedroom apt . It has a balcony I could put containers of flowers on and a couple of vegetable plants. Has a nice pool for summer . Close to stores and very tranquil setting. Going to let my oldest daughter take the two girls , she has been wanting them and I have resisted. She is much younger than I and will do well with them. And they want to live with their cousins who are the same age. I will of necessity have the two younger children but that is okay. They are in school during the day. I will buy new things for the new home , as well as take some cherished items from THIS house. I will walk out and never look back. I am finished with this present life and will create a new, calmer , happier one . I am excited on many levels.

[S2B]

Agreed. I go tomorrow to look at a nice little two bedroom apt . It has a balcony I could put containers of flowers on and a couple of vegetable plants. Has a nice pool for summer . Close to stores and very tranquil setting. Going to let my oldest daughter take the two girls , she has been wanting them and I have resisted. She is much younger than I and will do well with them. And they want to live with their cousins who are the same age. I will of necessity have the two younger children but that is okay. They are in school during the day. I will buy new things for the new home , as well as take some cherished items from THIS house. I will walk out and never look back. I am finished with this present life and will create a new, calmer , happier one . I am excited on many levels.

 

Since the kids gave birth to the kids you have - it may be best to pass all of the grandkids back to their respective parents.

 

They may do ok if they are placed into a position of having to be the parent.

 

It may be harming the young children to "not be" with the bio parent.

 

Glad you're getting your life back! A fresh start is always exciting! Consider taking NOTHING from the old life...it's best to let go of what is in the past and only look forward.

 

I know some things are sentimental - but even bringing those objects into the new space can affect the energy at the new place.

 

Sage and smudge before moving in! Cleanse all areas and ask for blessings at the new place! This gives you a fresh start within your new environment.

[Mr. Lucky]

Since the kids gave birth to the kids you have - it may be best to pass all of the grandkids back to their respective parents.

 

They may do ok if they are placed into a position of having to be the parent.

 

It may be harming the young children to "not be" with the bio parent.

 

Not always possible as is the case with my niece - Dad in prison, Mom in/out of rehab. Sometimes extended family the only option...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Marie2015]

Since the kids gave birth to the kids you have - it may be best to pass all of the grandkids back to their respective parents.

 

They may do ok if they are placed into a position of having to be the parent.

 

It may be harming the young children to "not be" with the bio parent.

 

Glad you're getting your life back! A fresh start is always exciting! Consider taking NOTHING from the old life...it's best to let go of what is in the past and only look forward.

 

I know some things are sentimental - but even bringing those objects into the new space can affect the energy at the new place.

 

Sage and smudge before moving in! Cleanse all areas and ask for blessings at the new place! This gives you a fresh start within your new environment.

 

Wonderful advice and I will certainly do the atmosphere cleansing you recommend. My current home has such a depressive, oppressive feeling. H brings alot of negative energy with him . And I would welcome the chance to pass the kids back but that is not possible . Parents both have drug issues and a very unstable , unclean environment . The kids are not safe with them . There is no other family capable or willing to take care of them and the other alternative is not acceptable. I will manage with them and continue to pray for Divine intervention for mom and dad. How do you think I should do the cleansing? Dp you have a certain routine to suggest ?

[Marie2015]

Not always possible as is the case with my niece - Dad in prison, Mom in/out of rehab. Sometimes extended family the only option...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

And that is the problem in a nutshell. Drugs and unstable , filthy living conditions these children will not suffer through. They are not safe with mom and dad at this time.

[starglider]

You may want to attend some CODA 12 step meetings (Codependents Anonymous) or read Melodie Beattie's book "Codependent No More."

 

Given your new insights into healthy boundaries you'll learn a great deal more about how to take better care of yourself. Chances are you've lost the sense of who you are because you've taken care of others for so long. It will help you resist the urge to step in as a "rescuer" and much more.

 

Enjoy the new you!

[S2B]

Wonderful advice and I will certainly do the atmosphere cleansing you recommend. My current home has such a depressive, oppressive feeling. H brings alot of negative energy with him . And I would welcome the chance to pass the kids back but that is not possible . Parents both have drug issues and a very unstable , unclean environment . The kids are not safe with them . There is no other family capable or willing to take care of them and the other alternative is not acceptable. I will manage with them and continue to pray for Divine intervention for mom and dad. How do you think I should do the cleansing? Dp you have a certain routine to suggest ?

 

I buy a bundle of dried sage - light it or put a few leaves I my abalone shell and blow it out after the fire begins ( much like incense) the let the smoke be moved around each room including doors and windows. Invite in only positive energy and ask for blessings in the home. Don't forget entry ways and exit areas.

 

It's a fresh start and one I do often.

[MJJean]

I used to be a Pagan and I have heart/lung issues. If you have respiratory issues, burning sage might cause some difficulty breathing. It sometimes does for sensitive people. Just a warning since you mentioned a recent heart attack and surgery.

 

I'd try burning some sage outside and see if you're ok with it before you take it into the new place. And I'd do the cleansing with open windows to make sure you've got ventilation just in case.

 

If you're catholic, you can ask the nearest priest for Holy Water to cleanse/bless the house yourself or ask that the priest come and do the blessing.

 

I don't know what rites Protestants use. Maybe just a prayer and blessing out loud?

 

I guess those who aren't spiritual just do a real good cleaning and maybe repaint?

 

Whatever you do, have fun with it! Then peacefully enjoy your new place.

 

Also, make friends! You have the separation/divorce, the grandkids, your strained relationship with family, and health problems. You need the support and comfort of friends. Not to mention it's always good to have people to laugh and blow off steam with!

[Marie2015]

Thanks for the continued advice , it is welcomed and appreciated. Any input is helpful. Yes , I miss having friends to laugh with or just spend time with. I was a shy but sociable person with several close friends. I miss that . I do plan to expand my horizon and possibly take a couple classes and maybe try to get a part time job. I am not close to my family anymore and at one time I was hands on with everybody but I just got burned out. I do have a couple brothers I could re-engage with, a daughter and a niece and enjoy spending time with them. I'm looking for another house right now and I have been situating the kids with other family to help carry the load. Even if just temporarily and they need a break too. Good for all of us to get some breathing room. So it's getting a little better each day. Hubby still distant but I am beyond caring now. I just want out .

[Marie2015]

It is sooo frustrating to need help around the house and not get it. h just spent his two days off over at his friend's house getting all HIS stuff done while I laid here on the couch with a bad stomach virus. Had to go pick up the kid from school , shaking the whole way. H doesn't seem to realize or care how bad his behavior is. How disrespectful . I can't wait til the day I walk away . No luck finding a house yet but then I was laid out the last three days sick. I think I am seeing behind the mask with H .

[Midwestmom12]

Sorry I'm late to this thread but my answer is a loud yes. My ex husband is a narcissist and after years of being drained I realized I had to choose myself. You can't take care of anyone if you can't take care of yourself.

 

Even though getting rid of him has been hard because he has used our child as a weapon I am still greatful for the peace and tranquil life I could never achieve with him. I'm recovering financially and emotionally and am a much better mother to my son. Leave so you can take care of you. You can rebuild finances so have the courage to choose you first.