My mom accused me of stealing her bong.

[thejabberwocky]

My mother is a suspected borderline personality and drug addict. She has been for my entire life. I say suspected because you have to be sober and willing to get help for a proper diagnosis, but it's pretty obvious. She also has manic episodes, so it's hard to tell if that's because of some sort of bipolar issue or her drug use.

 

We have a very strained relationship and I rarely see her. I just had to break up with my boyfriend of 6 years (discovered he was using drugs, obviously this is a dealbreaker for me) and I'm having a hard time. I found out he was abusing pills last year after he had a seizure, and he immediately went to get help and I thought that he realized what a mistake he made and we would be okay. About a month ago, I found out he was lying and hiding drugs again, so I ended it and haven't spoken to him since.

 

My mom and I talk often on the phone and have a great relationship that way (mostly because I can hang up if she starts being crazy). It's been nice to confide in her about my breakup issues, since she is very compassionate and loving when she's feeling normal. She has been begging me to visit (I haven't seen her since November) so I agreed thinking it'd be at least a distraction from my breakup.

 

The trip was mostly uneventful, she had minor outbursts, but nothing too bad. It was pretty exhausting over all, just dealing with her mood swings, but nothing major occurred. I was there almost a week and got home last Tuesday.

 

Today, I wake up to her calling me. I answer and her voice has this weird edge to it (that she gets when she's going manic). However, when I ask what was going on, I didn't expect her to go, "WHAT DID YOU DO WITH MY BONG!?" in a voice that could only belong to Satan.

 

To sum up, she misplaced her bong and assumed that I somehow knew where she kept it in her bathroom cabinet (I barely even went into her room while I was there and she was with me!), stole it, and threw it away. Mind you, this woman has many bongs, as well as a whole slew of illegal prescription and hard drugs. She seemed to think I threw it away because somehow I thought throwing out her bong would make her completely drug free??

 

So after her screaming at me and trying to argue with her, I just hung up. Later I get a text that she forgot she moved the bong to her closet. Shocking.

 

I expect very little from her, but I AM SO PISSED that she would accuse me of stealing anything, much less her drug paraphernalia. Like, great to know she thinks so little of me. Plus with everything going on with my ex, I just don't have the energy for this. I never want to visit her again, because now I know she thinks I'm going to steal her drugs or something ridiculous. It's not worth the stress.

 

I'm torn between knowing she has a problem but she's doing the best she can and hating her for being such a terrible mother. I'm under a lot of stress at work AND the demise of my relationship (also because of drugs!), I just am so furious that she would even accuse me of something like this. Did she even look for the bong before calling me and screaming at me for stealing it?! I don't know what to do.

[nescafe1982]

Sadly, I don't know that you can do much other than limit how much contact you have with her. It sounds like you're already doing that pretty well, honestly.

 

I'm sorry you're having to manage her drug use/personality disorder. I have a father who is an addict and has NPD. It's a real one-two punch.

 

My opinion? Vent about her when necessary, and limit how much you interact with her when you're feeling fragile. You can't expect her to change much, especially not while she's still actively using. Your feelings (swinging from acceptance and hatred) are absolutely understandable and normal given the situation. The trick is to also work on psychically "unplugging" from her disorder... work I started with a therapist's guidance but which will probably be a life-long endeavor.

[anduina]

Schizophrenia? I was reading an article that linked marijuana usage and schizophrenia. If people partake too heavily, it can trigger the onset of the mental illness in people who are genetically inclined towards it.

 

Harvard: Marijuana Doesn?t Cause Schizophrenia | Psych Central News

 

In her manic episodes, is she often paranoid and delusional?

[thejabberwocky]

I don't think she's schizophrenic, but yes she's very paranoid and delusional. However, I would be very surprised if it was the marijuana because she's abused meth, cocaine, and crack over the years. And tons and tons of prescription pills. She's a total mess.

[nescafe1982]

Jabberwocky, if you need some substance-abuse related support, have you considered Al-Anon?

 

They can do wonders for helping you parse through the issues associated with someone as dysfunctional as your mother.