Am i unrealistic or is my husband weak?

[adna89]

As some of you know,because of cultural backgrounds we currently live with my mother in law.She is a widow and lives with my husband who is her youngest child.She is a dominant woman and has opinion on anything.If we go travel or do anything she will nag how we waste money.She thinks my food is too expensive,she wants my husband to help her other son who currently has no job..all those things.She also claims i do not clean well enough.And every now and then we will end up in an argument .My husband is usually calm and discusses with her diplomatic way trying to convince her she is not right.Sometimes he just shuts up and does not reply at all and that makes me angry.I want him to be more open about all and say against her when she is wrong or tries to interfere in our stuff.He says to me she wont be able to do that of course but he can not be that aggressive since she will just end up more angry.So i feel like he just weak there

 

Sometimes he does say against her like yesterday she said she had to clean the whole house while we were away and he said why she did it all right before we left ,and then she said it wasn't clean at all and he replied how nothing is clean enough for her.But then she gets just angry

 

So my question is ,are my expectations normal and realistic? maybe i am selfish,i do not see her as a mother,i would be able to openly argue with her...i am just in the middle of everything.What is expected from my husband here:o i guess my problem is that i feel he should be more often "aggressive in his discussions with her

Edited September 14, 2015 by adna89

[Starks]

Your mother sounds like a drama queen. Your husband probably doesn't want to spend his energy on petty fights with her. You should probably stand up to her yourself as she is Your mother

[adna89]

Your mother sounds like a drama queen. Your husband probably doesn't want to spend his energy on petty fights with her. You should probably stand up to her yourself as she is Your mother

 

No she is my mother in law

[veggirl]

It sounds like he just doesn't want to rock the boat and it's easier to just not engage her. If she's the type of person you can't win with, I can understand that. How long will you all be living together? is it your home or hers?

[adna89]

It sounds like he just doesn't want to rock the boat and it's easier to just not engage her. If she's the type of person you can't win with, I can understand that. How long will you all be living together? is it your home or hers?

 

It is her home and we will be here for 1 year

[Starks]

No she is my mother in law

 

 

 

whoops my bad, I was skimming at work

 

 

 

 

but yeah, stick it out a year. Parents complain, it's what they do.

[Clarence_Boddicker]

The 2 people at fault here are your husband & you. He's a classic mama's boy & you're an enabler. If you wanna be happy, YOU are gonna have to put YOUR foot down. Give him a simple & 100% serious ultimatum: either she leaves or you will. Make it non negotiable. Mom gone or divorceville. Be prepared to leave, because usually once a mama's boy, always a mama's boy. His mom knows she can walk all over him & believes she can do that to you by extension. There is no other effective answer. Posting more threads about the same issue isn't going to change the basic problem.

[adna89]

The 2 people at fault here are your husband & you. He's a classic mama's boy & you're an enabler. If you wanna be happy, YOU are gonna have to put YOUR foot down. Give him a simple & 100% serious ultimatum: either she leaves or you will. Make it non negotiable. Mom gone or divorceville. Be prepared to leave, because usually once a mama's boy, always a mama's boy. His mom knows she can walk all over him & believes she can do that to you by extension. There is no other effective answer. Posting more threads about the same issue isn't going to change the basic problem.

 

why is he a mommas boy in your opinion? he does always do what he wants but he just does not say to her as aggressively as i would like it to

 

she is jealous and i am as well because i wont allow her to become his platonic wife if that is what she wants to be

[d0nnivain]

I can't speak to the cultural issues but if it's her house, she gets more say in how the house gets cleaned.

 

Personally when people complain about my cleaning & say it's not good enough, my response is to stop altogether. My EX was like this & I said, fine you do it.

 

As for how you spend your money, you have to let her comments roll off your back. My mother always had comments about how I spent money. I simply said you spend your money your way & I will spend the money I earn my way. I got to a point where I barely heard her complaints any more.

 

Why do you have to continue living there for another year? Is there any way you can move out sooner? That may be your better option.

[Clarence_Boddicker]

why is he a mommas boy in your opinion? he does always do what he wants but he just does not say to her as aggressively as i would like it to

 

she is jealous and i am as well because i wont allow her to become his platonic wife if that is what she wants to be

 

 

"...Because of cultural backgrounds (His & MIL's) we currently live with my mother in law."

 

"He does always do what he wants..." Yet he is not providing a proper home for him & his wife. His mother comes before his wife.

 

 

Those are two examples of him being a classic mama's boy.

 

 

Your hopes of him controlling his mom are a waste of your energy & time. That will never happen. When you nag him about it to the breaking point, he will start believing all the crap from his mom about how bad of a wife you are. Do you want to be happy or are just playing a control game?

[OldRover]

It is her home and we will be here for 1 year

 

You can't afford to wait another year. Get your own place NOW. This just does NOT work and I've seen it many times.

 

I doubt that your MIL will change, so you need to change the environment, by living in you own home. There's NO other choice, if you want to be a happy couple.

 

I lived with MIL and FIL for only 3 months while they were building a home. And we got along great and they are wonderful people. But it was three months of hell.

 

But I did get a lot done at my business, as I just didn't come home til late. It also affected my kid which was not good.

 

No frickin way.

[S2B]

It is her home and we will be here for 1 year

 

Then move. Sacrifice everything to be out on your own.

 

If it's her home and it's causing trouble in your marriage you leave. If he won't leave with you - then the marriage is over anyway.

[qubist]

you are not unrealistic but your H is not week either. it is a cultural thing. I have a coworker who's in a similar situation ( who knows he could be your H). his wife and mom are constantly fighting over everything, they are mid-eastern and in that culture no matter how old he is he just can't desobey his mom. just like your case she complains about their vacations, spending food and everything. it even got to the point where his wife threatened to leave back to her country.

I'm afraid there isn't much you can do till you move out. just be patient do not let this affect the way you and your H feel about each other that's the most important thing. if you are patient with her he will appreciate you more. one more year then all this will be history and you will be laughing about it.

[qubist]

Then move. Sacrifice everything to be out on your own.

 

If it's her home and it's causing trouble in your marriage you leave. If he won't leave with you - then the marriage is over anyway.

I disagree with you. this is a different culture, and although he loves her his mom is close to god in his mind.

[redrock1]

Ugh...dealing with in-laws in definitely not easy. Especially if you're living in the same house. But it does seem like it would be your husband's place to bring these issues up with his mom.

 

So, have you been able to really sit down and talk with him about your frustrations and ask him to set aside some time to talk about this specifically with his mom? I realize she may not respond like you hoped, but at least he'll have done his part and put the issues out there.

 

Of course, since you're living with her, it's going to be harder to set boundaries. Normally, you could put some limits on contact with her if you felt she wasn't being respectful towards you. But, there there may be some things you'll have to put up with in the short term if you want to stay there the rest of the year.

 

But, for your sanity, I hope you're able to get out of the home and spend some time around other friends and family. Sometimes, just having a little space can make a huge difference!

[pteromom]

You can't win here. She is entitled to her opinions about how clean the house is, and even how you spend your money and time.

 

What she ISN'T entitled to is you changing your behavior or opinions for her.

 

So rather than argue with her and turn it into a battle with your husband in the middle, just learn to let it roll off your back. Remind yourself that you do NOT have to take any action just because she has some issue.

 

Memorize some responses to use when she starts bitching at you about the house or anything else.

 

"That's interesting. I never thought of it that way."

"Thank you for sharing that with me."

"I'll take that into consideration."

"Thank you. I'll put some thought into that."

 

Basically, what you want to do is acknowledge what she is saying to you, show respect to her, while not making ANY promises to alter your own behavior and opinions.

 

Do NOT defend yourself or your choices. Do NOT put blame back on her. Do NOT turn it into a rivalry or "me vs. her" thing for your husband.

 

Keep reminding yourself that in a year, you will have your own home, and though she will always have her opinions, she won't have control over any aspect of your life.

 

Make sure your husband has agreed to a move-out date, and is doing what he needs to do to save for a place. Then keep looking toward that date, and try to be kind and respectful to your MIL.

 

To answer the question in your subject line, no your husband isn't weak. He is in a no-win situation. He's living in his mother's house, with his wife wanting him to fight for her to have a place of dominance. It's not going to happen. The KINDEST thing you can do for your husband is to accept your place as a guest in HER home, and end the battle.

[Curdie]

I disagree with you. this is a different culture, and although he loves her his mom is close to god in his mind.

 

Can I just point out that something being cultural does not make it right or good? Because it doesn't. Want to know what else is cultural? Female genital mutilation, foot binding, corsets, sacrificing human beings, leaving disabled newborns to die in the wild, locking mentally disabled people up in attics or basements, slavery, beating your wife on the statehouse grounds on Sunday... Every society that has ever existed has had some monstrous practice engrained into their culture.

 

Forget the culture nonsense. This is a grown woman who is being forced to live with a mother in law who hates her guts. Her spineless husband won't put his mommy in her place, so adna has become little more than a servant and a prostitute in her own marriage! Mother in law is the first wife, the authority, and the matriarch. Adna is the subservient second wife, the incubator, and the servant. Why would you put up with this, culture or no? You sound like an intelligent woman. You have access to first world commodities like the internet. If the culture is preventing you from living freely then move! Divorce your husband! Do something. Don't just let yourself be treated like a subhuman unworthy of respect and dignity. What if this marriage results in a baby girl? Is this how you would want your daughter to live? Because if you raise her while living like this she will think that it is normal and acceptable.