Wife is unsure and thinking things over

[keyser]

We have been together for 13 years and married for 4, we have a son who is two years old.

 

 

We met when she was 18 so I do think that she has always wondered what else is out there, but for the last 12 years or so I had the impression that between friends and family we had the strongest relationship and others often think we are rock solid. People would be shocked if they knew we were at breaking point.

 

 

 

 

She's seemed fed up lately and when we sat down to have a conversation I asked what was wrong and she wasn't sure. We haven't been arguing, she just doesn't seem to want to make time for the relationship anymore. She wont make time for 'the two of us' and that frustrates me more than anything. How can you make it work when your denied the opportunity? I'm as convinced as anyone could be that there is no one else involved. She doesn't hide her phone and there is no other reason to suspect anything. She said that she is not close to ending the relationship but I do think that's probably just because she finds it easier to stay for now. Since our talk there has been absolutely zero physical contact in any sense.

 

 

She said she just wasn't sure if this 'was it' and she looked at other couples who were happy and thought they had something we never had. We have always been happy. Since our conversation I've applied for jobs which pay better ( despite my pay being ok) , I've started to run to lose a few pounds, I've been helpful around the house and I've never blamed her for how she feels. I've made arrangements to meet up with friends and have moved into room downstairs to give her as much time to herself to let her work out 'her confusions' as she calls it.

 

 

 

 

Monday - Friday is easier because im away at work. The weekends are harder because I feel like im with her a lot and we just walk around not really talking , she hates it whenever we mention our problems. I feel like I cant bugger off for the weekend since it would involve leaving our son.

 

 

I cant move out. I wont leave my son, but other that what im doing what else should I do? Im really tempted to call her bluff and tell her its over and see how she reacts.

 

 

 

 

We had this situation about 3 years ago. It was before we had my boy and I went to stay at my mums. It lasted 1 night before she wanted me back. This time it seems a bit more serious, and even if we get through it, how long until the next time?

[d0nnivain]

Is she open to both MC & IC. This seems to be all in her head but until she can articulate the problem you can't work toward fixing it. For your son's sake urge her to try.

[keyser]

Is she open to both MC & IC. This seems to be all in her head but until she can articulate the problem you can't work toward fixing it. For your son's sake urge her to try.

 

 

 

thanks for replying.

 

 

I haven't brought it up. At this minute I don't think the suggestion would be well received and would undoubtedly fall on deaf ears.

[DSP]

Tell her that she needs to seek a therapist for the issues she doesn't want to talk to you about. If she protests then agree with her and drop it.

 

Keep running and start to lift weights.

 

Pick up a hobby you can do at home so you are not away from the home and are around your children as much as possible. Every extra minute you have while they are awake spend it with them.

 

Learn to cook great food. Not just food, but great healthy food.

 

Keep doing chores, but don't do them to satisfy an unknown requirement. Just do them as if you were living alone.

 

Don't hide your phone and share all your passwords so you can't be blamed or give suspicion for cheating.

 

Sounds as if she is operating off feelings and has a touch of depression. If you make an issue out of it then it will back fire onto you and this could get really ugly.

[BlueBlood]

Has she gained or lost weight recently, is she listless, or has she been off in any way physically? Has she has a physical in the last six months? Is her sleeping pattern off, if she works does she seem to be stressed there or have issues keeping deadlines? Is her appetite changed?

[Spaceman85]

She is having an early-30s MLC (or at least showing initial signs)

 

This doesn't mean there is necessarily someone else, but she is doubting the relationship.

 

I'm in a similar situation. Pushing her for answers will only make things worse.

 

She latched on to you at a young age and now, after experiencing motherhood, she may be having an identity crisis.

 

Don't push for MC or IC. Or at least not yet if this hasn't been going on long.

 

It sucks when there is zero physical affection, I know. It's not just about sex. The lack of ANY kind of intimate contact can be soul destroying.

 

When you say she appears fed up 'lately' how long are we talking? Weeks? Months?

Edited September 15, 2015 by Spaceman85

[Mr. Lucky]

Don't push for MC or IC. Or at least not yet if this hasn't been going on long.

 

Couldn't disagree more. Her resentment is a huge elephant in the room, ignoring it will not make it go away. Hard work ahead, keyser were I you I'd get started.

 

Unless that downstairs room is where you want to be ?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Spaceman85]

Couldn't disagree more. Her resentment is a huge elephant in the room, ignoring it will not make it go away.

 

 

I should have been clearer, sorry.

OP should certainly suggest MC but not push it. Don't turn it into an ultimatum.

If she flat out says 'no' to MC I would ask whether she had any other ideas.

[keyser]

She hasn't put on any weight, she has changed jobs recently but it's all female staff .

 

She would be horrified if I suggested MC so I'll have to leave that one for now.

 

To be honest all that's building in my head is resentment. She comes and goes like nothing is wrong. I asked her tonight how long she sees this spare room situation lasting and she shrugged her shoulders and changed subjects immediately .

 

I'm doing all I can but it's got to work both ways and that hasn't been happening , nor does it show any signs of changing.

 

She has suggested a family day ion Saturday but I think that's more out of sympathy.

[GorillaTheater]

I asked her tonight how long she sees this spare room situation lasting and she shrugged her shoulders and changed subjects immediately .

 

Which one of you is in the spare room?

[Diezel]

Time to go visit an attorney.

[keyser]

Which one of you is in the spare room?

 

Originally me,

 

Now we alternate at her request ( it's a less comfortable room )

[GorillaTheater]

Originally me,

 

Now we alternate at her request ( it's a less comfortable room )

 

Since this mess was her bright idea, I'd move in to the main bedroom for good.

 

Let her be the one who's inconvenienced.

[oldshirt]

- good job on working out and striving to better youself and better your career! Keep that up.

 

- Stop whining and bugging her about it and don't tell her she has to change how she feels. Things like connection, attraction, desire etc are not choices and not negotiable.

 

- That doesn't mean this situation doesn't need to be addressed, it most certainly does but whining and complaints and pleading only makes it worse.

 

- "i need space" actually means, " I need space to test ride this other dude" 99% of the time.

 

- You must make a valid investigation into whether there is someone else. If she is getting her lovins elsewhere, anything else you do to fix this will be spitting in the wind.

 

- a 'valid investigation' going through phone/txt bills looking for unknown numbers and texts that have been deleted off her phone. It mean hacking her computers and getting into emails/Facebook etc. It means installing keyloggers to see if she has any secret accounts and what she is saying on the computer. It means place voice activated recorders in her car and other places she may be having secret conversations. It means finding what she is doing at work and on her way to and from work. It means going through every inch of the house like a CSI guy to see what turns up and especially to find another cell phone that you know nothing about. (people here have also found secret lingerie, sex toys, lubes, hotel receipts etc while going through the house)

 

- never give up the marital bedroom!!!! Return to your marital bed. If she's the one with the problem and doesn't want to sleep with you, she can go to the couch.

 

- make a happy, healthy marriage with normal marital relations a stipulation of being married and staying in the marital home. She has the right to leave and divorce you if that is her wish, but she does not have the right to remain in the home and retain the title and position of wife and yet make you live in isolation and without marital companionship and interaction.

 

- If MC is required to work out your issues and be a happy, healthy marriage, then do not make it optional or at her discretion. If she wants to remain married and in the home she participates in MC in good faith or she files for divorce and leaves.

 

- If she refuses MC, refuses to address issues and live a reasonably healthy and satisfactory marital life and refuses to leave and file on her own, then you file and boot her out.

 

- You have the right to a healthy and reasonably happy marital life. If she doesn't want that with you and doesn't want to work to achieve that, that is her perogative but you at that point have the right to let her go and seek it elsewhere.

 

- She needs to become aware of that.

 

- This is a serious situation and will take balls, strength, effort and time to correct if it is even predictable. It will not be painless.

 

- This can only be resolved through effort, strength, strong well defined boundaries and accountability.

 

- it cannot be resolved through whining, bitching, begging, appeasement or capitulation.

[Tobin]

She said that she is not close to ending the relationship but I do think that's probably just because she finds it easier to stay for now.

 

At least you're not in denial like many guys are at this point. That will help if things get worse, and it appears they very well might.

 

I cant move out. I wont leave my son, but other that what im doing what else should I do? Im really tempted to call her bluff and tell her its over and see how she reacts.

 

If she divorces you, then you'll have to do exactly that unless you can make a case for custody of your son, and given that you are the primary breadwinner who works long hours during the week, that's going to be an uphill battle. So it might help to consider "what if".

 

We had this situation about 3 years ago. It was before we had my boy and I went to stay at my mums.

 

There have been problems for years. They weren't addressed the first time, they were buried. As you can see, they don't go away, they come back, worse.

[oldshirt]

I also strongly suggest consulting a divorce attorney and educating yourself on what your rights and responsibilities will be in a divorce and you need to get a good idea of what your (and her) post divorce life will be like.

 

You need to work out a viable divorce plan with your attorney and have everything ready to go and be ready to file and implement the plan at any moment.

 

In short, flowers and footrubs and candlelight dinners and bubblebaths are not going to turn this around. You will not be able to talk her into loving you and you won't be able to appease her into loving relationship.

 

This will take strength and hard boundaries.

 

You may even have to file for divorce and Have her living in a little apartment and only seeing her child 50% of the time before her head clears and she comes to the counselor' s office ready to address the issues.

 

That may not even work. This may actually be the beginning of the end. This is a very serious situation.

[oldshirt]

She hasn't put on any weight, she has changed jobs recently but it's all female staff .

 

She would be horrified if I suggested MC so I'll have to leave that one for now.

 

To be honest all that's building in my head is resentment. She comes and goes like nothing is wrong. I asked her tonight how long she sees this spare room situation lasting and she shrugged her shoulders and changed subjects immediately .

 

I'm doing all I can but it's got to work both ways and that hasn't been happening , nor does it show any signs of changing.

 

She has suggested a family day ion Saturday but I think that's more out of sympathy.

 

 

I honestly think the reason she's suggesting Saturday as a family outing is because her boyfriend is busy that day.

[keyser]

I honestly think the reason she's suggesting Saturday as a family outing is because her boyfriend is busy that day.

 

I appreciate this will sound naive but I'm certain there is nobody else.

 

She leaves her phone lying everywhere, doesn't delete messages, internet history etc. I've checked her phone and email - nothing.

 

She goes from work to home and stays in and then spends the full weekend with me. It's just she's fed up and not willing to make an effort.

 

If anything not meeting her friends regularly has suffocated her a bit, I've tried to encourage her out more.

 

She's told me various times I can move back into the room but I've said not until she decides what we want.

 

My next plan is to tell her about the resentment it's causing , the seriousness of the situation and that she' needs to at least make an effort in saving this. If not it's over, I know she doesn't think I'd leave and probably doesn't believe she would leave herself.

 

I've always been the one to initiate physical contact and since our chat 3 weeks ago I've stopped, maybe it's pushed us further apart but I think it's up to her to rekindle hat area.

[Marc878]

Ask her what she wants. Take command of the situation it sounds like you are too beta. You have to change something or you'll get more of the same. Take her on a date once a week. Just something casual and fun. Find a common interest and rebound.

 

No communication will kill what's left.

 

Do not whine or beg. It's unnatractive and will turn her off even more.

 

If she wants to move out for a separation then it's over you may as well file.

 

Old shirt is right more often than not these are signs of an OM. Better dig deep.

[Mr. Lucky]

I've always been the one to initiate physical contact and since our chat 3 weeks ago I've stopped, maybe it's pushed us further apart but I think it's up to her to rekindle hat area.

 

I'd be very careful about adding the additional complication of a pregnancy at this point...

 

Mr. Lucky

[keyser]

So we just had another chat, this time vaguely initiated by her.

 

I offered to end it now but she doesn't want that.

 

I said I was moving back into our room & it was up to her when she wanted to come back. I said I love her as much when I first met her & if she can't do that in return then it's over. I'm not going to spend my life with someone who can't do the same in return and she agreed.

 

She said she wants to try and will be both back in the same room tonight. The end result was let's try and have a nice weekend and see how it goes., that's the short term plan. She got pretty upset and told me she hopes its just a phase.

 

She's been coasting the last few weeks although she said her mind is occupied 24/7.

 

How it goes from here is anyone's guess . I didn't plan for this discussion but since she started it I didn't decline after how distant she's been lately.

[GorillaTheater]

You handled it fine, Keyser. One step at a time. You'll want to be giving some thought, though, as to how long you want to put up with this.

[keyser]

You handled it fine, Keyser. One step at a time. You'll want to be giving some thought, though, as to how long you want to put up with this.

 

I've told her it can't go on forever, without putting a deadline on it.

 

I don't want her to think she's calling all the shots in this so I'm hoping by this might serve as a make or break.. And fingers crossed a wake up call.

[understand50]

keyser,

 

We only have a small idea about what is going on, so I will suggest a few things, and if one may helps - Great.

 

1) She sounds depressed, has she gone to a doctor? Ask if they can help. Everyone goes through this, so no shame, just depression sucks.

 

2) Some women, think of marriage are all theirs. In that, you were lucky to get them and they can come and leave. You will always be there. Looks like you are debasing her of this idea. This may shake her up, but if you want to stay together, it is a fine balancing act. Just do not draw a line in the sand you cannot take back.

 

3) IF it comes down to a separation, Please make some rules.

 

a) No dating or sex with other people while you are married. I seen many couples separate and one or the other start fooling around, and then decide to "come" back, and now we have cheating to deal with. Make sure the rules are known upfront and in advance.

 

b) Put a time limit on how long you both will remain separated. 6 months, no change, we divorce. You so not want to remain in limbo forever.

 

4) Try and be proactive. Suggest a weekly, or monthly "talk" time. Tell her that you both get 2 hours, to talk about your issues, and after that, until the next time you will not bring anything up. Here is what I wrote earlier. Of all the thing we have done this has helped the most along with date night.

 

"our communication was bad. We just did not talk about anything that would upset the other. “rug sweeping” We started setting aside a time each week, where we had privacy and talk. I insisted on honesty and no secrets between us. We later went to talking each month. We had long talks on why she spent the money, did she and really want to stay together, and many other questions. She had to be truthful on everything. I as well.

 

The other rule, is that what is said in our talk stays there. So do not use anything against her. If you need to get more information, wait until the next talk. This let you think about things and allows her space.

 

5) I would also try date night. You need to carve out a time for you to reconnect as lovers.

 

"We started Date night. Once a week we get out of the house and do something as a couple. Depending on money situation, it could be a walk, picnic, movie, dinner, or just a long drive. The rule is we are out to have fun and we do not talk about or bring anything “heavy” up. This is for us to enjoy each others company. This has worked very well, and we both consider it the highlight of our week. We try and out do each other on things to do, that fit our budget. "

 

In closing, I do not know if any of this will work for you , or if some of it will work for you, but I like to give examples. We have been married 40 plus years, so maybe we are doing something right. Wife has depression, so I have been where you are, or I think I have.

 

Go to this site, they have some good DTY for MC, and some other advise. May help you.

 

The Art of Manliness

 

I wish you and your wife good luck and the best outcome that can be had.

[Marc878]

This marriage is half yours. You need to man up and take charge. Insist on MC.

 

You sit back and do nothing where's that going to get you?

 

The other thing is if she wants space give it to her. Do a 180 and work on yourself.

 

I would not beg or be a damn doormat. That will get you nowhere. Could that be part of your problem?????

 

If she wants a separation that more times than not means seeing others. Get an attourney and at least know where you are.