Cant_Get_Right Posted September 14, 2015 Share Posted September 14, 2015 So a little about me. I'm going on 10 years of marriage to my wife. There is something that has been weighing on my mind, and I have no idea why. Our first year of marriage was rough. I'm in the oilfield, and was there when we married. She was spending way to much time partying it up with friend, throwing parties at the house without me there, and riding around with her friend, boyfriends, and their friends. After 6 months we had a huge blowout and she left. We were split up for 3 months. In that time, she came by on occasion for, well you know, then be on her way. One of those nights she had left her phone at the house and at 1AM it had rang with an old friend of hers from school. I jumped all over him and he hung up. I confronted her the next day when she came by. She said he was just somebody to talk to. I stayed leery for a while, but we worked it out. The problem: When we were dating we had done some stupid quiz about past flings she had found from who knows where. I was honest with all the questions, she claimed to be. Down the road I found out she lied, on quite a few things. Now It has been bugging me if she lied about the friend that decided to call at 1AM for whatever reason? I think what popped it into my head was just sitting here thinking about the last 10 years, good and bad. Should I just try to forget it, or ask her about? I honestly don't think i can just forget it. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted September 14, 2015 Share Posted September 14, 2015 You have been married to this woman for 10 years and now you want to have a fit about something that happened 9 years ago? Not a good plan. Has she been a good & faithful wife since then? If so focus on her current behavior & find a way to let the past go. If you can't it will destroy your marriage. To the extent you must talk about it, do so in the context of professional counseling. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
OldRover Posted September 14, 2015 Share Posted September 14, 2015 If it's a lie 9 years ago, then you need to know about it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cant_Get_Right Posted September 14, 2015 Author Share Posted September 14, 2015 You have been married to this woman for 10 years and now you want to have a fit about something that happened 9 years ago? No, I do not know if anything happened at all. Some people might be able to live in ignorance of the wrongdoing of their SO, I am not one of them. The way small thing come out over the years I'm beginning to think she is trickle truthing. As for counseling, how do I get her there? We have been, and are fine now. This is something that just came to my mind recently. And furthermore, I don't believe it's throwing a fit to want to know the truth. Link to post Share on other sites
OMC Posted September 14, 2015 Share Posted September 14, 2015 9 years ago?? And NOW it is bothering you to the point you want to know more? And... you want to give Donnivain a hard time for pointing this out?? Then, you add to your reply 'Some people might be able to live in ignorance of the wrongdoing of their SO'. Having this linger in the back of your mind for 9 years is the definition of 'living in ignorance of the wrongdoing' since it doesn't appear you have done anything about it beside stew... Sounds like you are looking for a reason to blow things up and this is as good of one as any. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cant_Get_Right Posted September 14, 2015 Author Share Posted September 14, 2015 I'm beginning to think some people here have bad reading comprehension , or maybe I did not put it down right? No, this has not been stewing in the back of my mind. I had honestly let it go. But, going through some photos and other things from the past brought me back to those times and brought that particular event back to mind. Given a few other things have come out years later, and reading others post of infidelity coming out years later, it has me wondering if it could happen here. Rather than get blindsided and it does become a blow up, I would rather sit down and talk to her about it. Link to post Share on other sites
OMC Posted September 14, 2015 Share Posted September 14, 2015 ' I had honestly let it go.' No you didn't or it wouldn't be here now. If your relationship has been good for the past 10 years what good could come from confronting her about it. You know the answer you will get (regardless what the truth is) will be 'What the hell you talking about? Seriously, you want to talk about a phone call I got 9 years ago at 1am? Have you gone psycho?' And then you are where you are now. Nothing changes. Drop it. Now... if she has given you reason to suspect her fidelity since that 'incident' then that is something different than you have presented. And... it does sound like you are looking for a reason. A witch hunt if you will. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted September 14, 2015 Share Posted September 14, 2015 Should I just try to forget it, or ask her about? I honestly don't think i can just forget it. If you can't forget, then the question's moot. If you ask, can you deal with the truth if she tells you? fwiw, I think it's likely she was f*cking the 'old friend.' Those things are almost never what they're claimed to be. BUT, I'm not sure (IMO) you can blame her if you were separated indefinitely due to a blowout. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted September 14, 2015 Share Posted September 14, 2015 I'm beginning to think some people here have bad reading comprehension , or maybe I did not put it down right? No, this has not been stewing in the back of my mind. I had honestly let it go. But, going through some photos and other things from the past brought me back to those times and brought that particular event back to mind. Given a few other things have come out years later, and reading others post of infidelity coming out years later, it has me wondering if it could happen here. Rather than get blindsided and it does become a blow up, I would rather sit down and talk to her about it. OK let me see if I can reframe this. Recently you discovered some info that is NOW calling into question something that may have happened 9 years ago. Still whatever it was happened (or didn't happen) 9 years ago. Even though you may have just now found out things weren't honkey dory 9 years ago it was still almost a decade ago. If she has been a good & faithful wife since then, especially in the last 5+ years, seriously, try to let it go. Dredging it up now will only harm the marriage. Even if you become convinced that nothing happened then, you bringing it up now will convince her that you don't trust her & you will start the ball rolling down hill. If things aren't good now, dig to your heart's content but do realize that the more digging you do the more you erode the foundation of your marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
kgcolonel Posted September 14, 2015 Share Posted September 14, 2015 I think it is fine to open this can of worms if you're prepared for either the same story she gave you before or a different and more damaging story. Which one do you want. You say you're fine now but really it looks like your digging up something that no one can do anything about. Have you ever made a mistake and as much as you would like, can't undo the mistake? She may be in this same state. Bottom line, what do you have to gain either way? If there was infidelity, now what do you do with that information? If she maintains that there wasn't, are you going to believe her? I suggest you look at the track record since and grade both yourself as a husband and the relationship and see how to improve on each. The more you focus on moving forward the quicker you'll lose interest in looking backwards. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted September 14, 2015 Share Posted September 14, 2015 Rather than get blindsided and it does become a blow up, I would rather sit down and talk to her about it. One of two things probably true: 1). She told you the truth then so her story unchanged now. 2). She was willing to lie to you then so her story unchanged now. Unless you have new evidence, any discrepancy in her answers could easily be attributed to the vagaries of memory across 10 years. Not sure what the end game is here... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cant_Get_Right Posted September 15, 2015 Author Share Posted September 15, 2015 Good Points Mr. Lucky. After some thinking, I believe maybe just going through the old photos was not a good idea. The pictures in particular that brought it back didn't even have her in it. It was pictures of me at a bar my friends dragged me too after the split, to keep me from sitting in a empty house. I know I was pretty drunk, acting like I was in high school again, not trying to pick up any women, just a night of fun and beer. But even though I was smiling in the pics, I still see the blankness or maybe hurt in my face. That's what got this going in my head again. Maybe it did just put my thinking process into that defense mode again, even though there is no reason to be? Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted September 15, 2015 Share Posted September 15, 2015 Maybe it did just put my thinking process into that defense mode again, even though there is no reason to be? Could be, might have to write it off as a tumultuous time in your relationship and be glad you survived as a couple. How is your marriage today? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
mightycpa Posted September 15, 2015 Share Posted September 15, 2015 Good Points Mr. Lucky. After some thinking, I believe maybe just going through the old photos was not a good idea. The pictures in particular that brought it back didn't even have her in it. It was pictures of me at a bar my friends dragged me too after the split, to keep me from sitting in a empty house. I know I was pretty drunk, acting like I was in high school again, not trying to pick up any women, just a night of fun and beer. But even though I was smiling in the pics, I still see the blankness or maybe hurt in my face. That's what got this going in my head again. Maybe it did just put my thinking process into that defense mode again, even though there is no reason to be?You're close to the truth. I think maybe what happened is way back when, you decided you could live with whatever went on, you buried your unhappiness and made your marriage work without actually dealing with your concerns and your feelings about those concerns. Now, 10 years later, seeing those pictures has caused these feelings to begin to leak out, and you've got to go through it all over again.... it's just that you're older and wiser and you know her better. But the underlying feelings of betrayal are still the same as before. The trouble with airing your feelings is that it is a lot like farting. It feels good to let it out, but you poison the air. I think what you want to do here is to work this out emotionally, and probably alone. Don't do anything rash, including confronting her about it. Try and figure out what this really means to you in the big scheme of things. Maybe this is just a short term emotional release, or maybe something else is bugging you. My advice would be to figure that stuff out before you go hunting for some big resolution with her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cant_Get_Right Posted September 15, 2015 Author Share Posted September 15, 2015 Nothing I can think of to bug me until now. I brought this big box of pics we had filled up to work with me. Im going through them for a 10 year picture book I was gonna have made for her. Maybe it is best to leave the first year out! Anyways, I actually trashed the photos. I did not want to, mainly because it reminds me of the great friends I have to do everything they could at the time to cheer me up, including being away from their wives and GFs. But hopefully I can just bite the bullet and have one less thing in my life to bring up such a s****y start. Link to post Share on other sites
beanie66f Posted September 15, 2015 Share Posted September 15, 2015 You had a rocky start...but you are here now. Its not always about where we started, but where we are headed. If you bring this up and press it, I don't think you will get the answers you seek. If you "hear" what you want to hear you may not believe it, if you "hear" something else it will make you upset. What if she does tell you your worst fear? What would you do with that information? I think one of the characteristics of a good relationship is knowing when to be quiet. (I'm not good at this LOL) I think this is one of those times. You definitely need to go get the Frozen soundtrack and start playing that over and over again. Yes, let it go. And yes...leave the first years of pics out of the memento if it is bothersome to you. Good luck!!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sheberiding Posted September 16, 2015 Share Posted September 16, 2015 Recently went through a similar crisis with my wife over an event triggered by a discussion about some old friends. The evidence pointed to the possibility of her having a threesome with her best friend and her boyfriend when first started living together. It looks on the the surface anyways that she had a threesome with them because: 1. She was angry at me when she left. 2. She got drunk. 3. She stayed out all night and never came home. 4. Next day she was nice and sheepish, unusual for someone who normally carries anger for a long time.* 5. She lied by omission when talking about her night to me. I found out by accident.* 6. She had a huge female crush on her best friend and would always talk about how beautiful she was. I later learned that they both were asking her to join them for the threesome. 6.Her friend threw her out of the wedding party and ended their friendship. Who wants to be in a wedding party with a slut who slept with the groom. This happened shortly after I found out. Discussed it with her and she strongly denies that she had a threesome and is angry when I tell her a small part of me thinks she did it. However, cheaters always lie even in the face of overwhelming evidence. *The number of facts point to a very strong possibility that she did in fact have sex with them that night. *I will always have some doubt in my mind about her regarding this matter even though I really want to believe her 100%. I will never be able to believe her 100% and will always resent her for the doubt she has created, even years later. *Still it felt good to get it off my chest. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cant_Get_Right Posted September 16, 2015 Author Share Posted September 16, 2015 *Still it felt good to get it off my chest. Yeah, since I have vented I feel much better. Link to post Share on other sites
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