Long Distance Marriage ~ is there hope

[beanie66f]

I considered posting this under the long distance forum, but it seemed that a lot of those posts were related to boyfriend/girlfriend situations and not marriage. I apologize in advance for my verbose post..

 

I've been married 3 years and with DH for over 6. This is both of our 2nd marriages. Our first 3 years together were very happy, albeit not without issues. We worked through blending a family, and DH being in and out of work for 3 years. We both lost our jobs at the same time, and had 4 kids living under our roof at the time. So, we struggled the first 3 years through some tough stuff. But, it was that experience that made me think we could have a very successful marriage. We approached things as a team and I think we both were happy. Happy enough he proposed and we married.

 

Three years ago due to not being able to find work where we live, DH took a job locally that requires him to work construction out west. (We are on the east coast). He is gone from April until November. His job is one that he generally works 50-60 hours a week, and with the time zone change that means that our conversations over the last 3 years are limited. He calls when he gets done work, usually from the parking lot, while waiting for the other crew, to go eat dinner. Typically this call comes in around 9:30/10:00 my time. He can't text during the day - because he is operating equipment, or he is driving across the country. So - in a nutshell, communication is short.

 

To add to the loveliness of this situation, my DH is about as articulate as a rock. He is wonderful one on one - but he really is horrible on the phone. I feel like I'm the one pulling teeth to keep conversations interesting. But the reality is, most of our conversations over the last 3 years have been about 1) things that are falling apart in the house and what should I do 2) kids and specifically his son (who is now 18).

 

If anyone has teens here, you know how challenging they are to raise with 2 parents at home on the same page. I can't begin to describe the issues and arguments that have revolved regarding the Teen Boy, who basically I had to care for and raise for the last 3 years on my own. (Who quite frankly resented everything about me - but that is another story)

 

So, we have had major issues with this long distance between us. Normally he comes home at major holidays for long weekends (Memorial Day, Labor Day). This year he couldn't' come at Labor Day so they flew me out to see him. We have been talking about "us" and the marriage, but I was finally able to get out of DH this Labor Day weekend that he loves this job, and he sees it as a career for the rest of his life.

 

Which basically puts me in a position to decide - is this what I want? To be married to someone that is gone 8 months out of the year? And someone that is home during the Crappy Crap part of the year (snow, slush, cold).

 

The Teen Boy has graduated from high school, and plans on going into the army - so he will most likely be leaving this winter. Right now he is out west working with DH, so he wouldn't be here causing issues and getting into trouble (and making money instead of playing xbox). I have 2 other children in the house - 16 yr old DD and 8 yr old DD.

 

We tried to go to marriage counseling before he left in April, but were only able to go to 3 sessions - we didn't get very far into talking about "us" because we used those sessions to talk about Teen Boy and issues going on there. When he comes back I do want to try the counseling again, but....its going to be another 3 months before that happens.

 

I do love him. He does love me. At this point there is no infidelity..but there IS a lot of miscommunication I think. He is perceiving me as being a "nag" and always harping on the "issues in the marriage". I'm in need of reassurance and dialog from him and some kind of "plan" for moving forward. When I asked him how much longer did he plan on doing this, his response was "i want to be making 150K", which basically means, he would need to work about another 6-10 years with this company and work double the hours he is working now to reach that kind of salary. (Actually I think that salary is completely unrealistic expectation, and I plan on asking him sit down with management and get them to tell him if it is realistic - he would need to be working 50 hours a week over 8 months at $85/hour. The top end salary for what he does for hourly wage is 45/hour. Right now he is averaging a 40 hour week due to weather, and about half that hourly wage)

 

I am not happy. I think he would be "happy" just working this job and not having to deal with me or anything here. From my perspective, I kind of feel like because his son has graduated, there is no reason for him to make any effort to be "here". I can't seem to get a response from him on what he wants to do to make the marriage "work". I flat out asked him if he wanted a divorce, and he said he wasn't even thinking about that but if I keep bringing it up he will. I just feel he is like a happy go lucky leprechaun in la la land thinking he can continue working this job, and be out on his own in solitude, and somehow things will remain the same here and with us. Right now I see the writing on the wall, that this simply can't continue and we need to do something NOW if this is going to last any longer. I'm not happy, and frankly I can't see how he could be happy.

 

I'm reaching out to find out if anyone has any suggestions, advice, thoughts. I have my own thoughts... but it would be helpful to get an outsider's perspective.

[Clarence_Boddicker]

Do you guys own the house you're currently living in? Does he work in one city, or all over the place in the west coast? If no to the 1st question & yes to the 2nd, then the logical answer is to move to the city he's working in.

[beanie66f]

He works all over the place. For instance in last 4 weeks he had a job in Oregon. Then one in North Dakota. Then Colorado. Now he is in northern Minnesota. His company main office is here where we live.

 

Yes. We own a home together. It is the home where my children have been raised. Because of joint custody of my 8 year old I'm not in position to move. (And it really wouldn't make any sense for this job of his because he is on the road constantly). The job of his really is 7 days a week. The only days off they get are due to rain or actual equipment breaking down and something being in the shop.

 

That is why this is so tricky/weird. He isn't in a military deployment situation where there is a finite end date or a job that is intense for a few days or week and then they have a break. It's constant long hours. Up at 5 and not going to bed in hotel until around 11. Work on Saturday. And Sunday's they work from morning till around 1 fixing and maintenance of equipment. Then they do laundry and relax at sports bar watching football in afternoon. (If they can find a sports bar. )

 

Some areas the cell coverage is horrible So I can go for a few days with intermittent text and crackling phone calls. Most all hotels have wifi. So that's good. But the time difference comes into play. Where he is now is not too bad. It is only one hour difference.

[d0nnivain]

No where in your post did I read an explanation about why you can't move to live with him.

 

Since you have custody of your kids is there a court order preventing you from relocating with them? If not, move. Yes your kids will pout about being uprooted but kids are resilient & they will make new friends.

[beanie66f]

Why I can't move to live with him. He is living out of hotels the entire time he I gone. He generally will stay in one hotel for 3-4 days and then they move to another job site in a different part of the country. So if I relocated and moved- it would still be same situation. He wouldn't be home at the location I moved to . He works road construction. The company he works for bids on projects across the country and he runs a crew and manages those jobs. The company headquarters is in our town where we own our house.

[OldRover]

I'd STRONGLY recommend to move where he is, if you can possible can. Unless, of course this is temporary.

 

Long distance relationships are extremely hard to deal with, and can have a serious effect on kids.

 

BTDT, for a year, when I took a job 1000mi away. However, I could visit once a month. But it had a HUGE impact on my kid, who had a lot of trouble in school, and just being away from each other caused a significant amount of stress.

 

The goal, obviously, is have one of you get good, long term employment, and then move the whole family there.

 

Good luck on this one.

[d0nnivain]

Why I can't move to live with him. He is living out of hotels the entire time he I gone. He generally will stay in one hotel for 3-4 days and then they move to another job site in a different part of the country. So if I relocated and moved- it would still be same situation. He wouldn't be home at the location I moved to . He works road construction. The company he works for bids on projects across the country and he runs a crew and manages those jobs. The company headquarters is in our town where we own our house.

 

Your post about him being nomadic must have crossed the posting of my Qs. Clearly with kids you can't live out of hotels.

 

At this point, you do need a better system. Either he works then takes middle breaks. . . a month on, a week home type of thing and he has to actively look for a less nomadic employment that will enable him to be home.

 

Perhaps you can get some insights from military wives, how to deal with deployments etc.

 

Do you Skype or Facetime? Maybe the video can make him a bit more animated then just the phone?

[oldshirt]

This really isn't comparable to military life as the military at least tries to support and assist families when the service members are deployed.

 

This OP is basically on her own to manage the home and family.

 

This situation is more akin to the depression era when men left the home to work for Civilian Conservation Corps and other FDR federal work programs. In those instances men in very austere work and living conditions and sent home their checks for sometimes years at a time.

 

I'm not sure there is a quick, easy and painless solution to this.

 

Options as I see them are -

 

- He takes a local job even though it may pay significantly less and they live very frugally in the same home. Along with that he may need to obtain other vocational training or further his education to obtain a different career. She could consider further training/education as well.

 

- bump up their travel budget and make an honest effort for him to return home on weekends periodically and also for her to visit him more on location.

 

- divorce and find a local man with a stable job in that location.

[d0nnivain]

This really isn't comparable to military life as the military at least tries to support and assist families when the service members are deployed.

 

I understand the differences but there are message boards out there where the OP can at least talk to other spouses who are separated from loved ones due to their work obligations. the military is far more stressful because the loved one is in harms way but distance is distance & while the OP doesn't have the institutional support the military spouses have it may be somebody to talk to.

[beanie66f]

I like the Skype idea. I have suggested it but he has not been interested. He mainly calls me when he is smoking outside in a parking lot. Many times he is sharing a room so there is no privacy to talk in room.

 

 

Regarding finances. My job pays more than enough for him to work at Taco Bell at minimum wage. I don't want him working at Taco Bell. Lol. But to me... Money is not an issue. I have shared this with him. I do think that he does need a job that is fulfilling to him. Whatever that is. I think that is important for him to be happy with a job. But this job which makes him delighted is not healthy for our marriage.

And I agree with the entire comparison to depression era! When he took the job we both envisioned him doing this for 2 years to pay off bills. It was this year it became apparent to me that he had no intention of quitting or looking for another job. It was really 2 weeks ago he verbalized this with his "i want to make 150k a year and retire". My question was... " to what end? What will we do with $150k a year if we are not together to enjoy it? If you continue with this job there will be no marriage in 10 years to consider spending this money".

 

The fact of the matter is. My salary is approximately 3x his. I have been the sole provider our entire relationship regarding our bills and such. His money is what we used for extras like vacation and eating out and travel etc... Months he didn't get a big paycheck it didn't impact us financially - but I do think it impacted his sense of self.

 

He has worked ... And worked hard... But his opportunities are limited due to his experience. So I understand that a lot of what is happening is 1) his comfort level with being gainfully employed. 2) he loves what he does on a day to day basis. 3) the work is meaningful to him. 3) he doesn't want to start over again. He is 43 this year.

 

So... This job is not necessary for the financial stability of our home.

[d0nnivain]

I think him earning something comparable to what you make is necessary for the stability of his mind.

 

He doesn't want to be dependent on you & this is his way of addressing it.

 

I fear, as you probably do too, that he's getting used to this quasi-bachelor lifestyle. I'm not suggesting he's cheating but he outs out & somebody else (the hotel maid) makes his bed every day. He's "free" to do what he wants while leaving all the responsibilities of home to you.

 

When you can you fly to him next? You really are going to have to talk about your mutual vision of your marriage.

[Clarence_Boddicker]

Is this his ideal dream job, or is he looking for a stable job suitable for a married family man?

[OldRover]

I like the Skype idea. I have suggested it but he has not been interested. He mainly calls me when he is smoking outside in a parking lot. Many times he is sharing a room so there is no privacy to talk in room.

 

 

Regarding finances. My job pays more than enough for him to work at Taco Bell at minimum wage. I don't want him working at Taco Bell. Lol. But to me... Money is not an issue. I have shared this with him. I do think that he does need a job that is fulfilling to him. Whatever that is. I think that is important for him to be happy with a job. But this job which makes him delighted is not healthy for our marriage.

And I agree with the entire comparison to depression era! When he took the job we both envisioned him doing this for 2 years to pay off bills. It was this year it became apparent to me that he had no intention of quitting or looking for another job. It was really 2 weeks ago he verbalized this with his "i want to make 150k a year and retire". My question was... " to what end? What will we do with $150k a year if we are not together to enjoy it? If you continue with this job there will be no marriage in 10 years to consider spending this money".

 

The fact of the matter is. My salary is approximately 3x his. I have been the sole provider our entire relationship regarding our bills and such. His money is what we used for extras like vacation and eating out and travel etc... Months he didn't get a big paycheck it didn't impact us financially - but I do think it impacted his sense of self.

 

He has worked ... And worked hard... But his opportunities are limited due to his experience. So I understand that a lot of what is happening is 1) his comfort level with being gainfully employed. 2) he loves what he does on a day to day basis. 3) the work is meaningful to him. 3) he doesn't want to start over again. He is 43 this year.

 

So... This job is not necessary for the financial stability of our home.

 

First of all, if you're making enough, then ABSOLUTELY, WITHOUT A DOUBT, GET HIM BACK HOME! The longer you are away, the worse it gets.... and long term just doesn't work. Each of you have no one to hug and kiss and make love to, and there will be temptation. You need the intimacy, but with each other. He also needs to be there for the kids, and it's a HUGE deal for them when they are young.

 

If he's making $150K, he surly has some skills that may be valuable locally, even if it's less money. (and, btw, $150 a year is not enough for retirement, unless you work many, many years at that).

 

You haven't mentioned the demographics of your town, but in most towns, there are opportunities, or perhaps he could create his own. Is he capable of being self employed? There are some jobs that can be done with minimal risk and reasonable income. Handyman is one, if there's a need. Can freelance at that, as well as cleaning, mechanic, and a ton of other jobs. And I know a few that are in the 6 figure range doing this.

[beanie66f]

Clarence: That is really the question isn't it. You summed it up in a single paragraph. He will be home after thanksgiving and I will get us into counseling and get the therapist to pose that to him. I fear asking it now isn't going to go too well. I think for now I just need to focus on figuring out what I would want to do depending on his answer.

 

I'm not interested in a divorce. I love him and would like to grow old with him. I however am not interested in being married but living life as a single mom. I purposely do not go out to places that put myself in situations that could compromise my relationship with my husband... Being alone is getting old however. I am lacking emotional and physical support of my husband and at some point it has got to change. If he said "I'm doing this 2 more years and we will save 80%of my paycheck during this time".. Or something of some kind of goal/plan... Then I would suck it up and deal with this another 2 years.

 

The difficulty from my end is getting him to talk about it He gets defensive and mad at me because "I'm so unhappy and miserable" every time he calls. The last time he said this I lit into him and told him that damn right I'm unhappy and miserable. I've been left home for three years to raise a teen boy that has been nothing but a total pita...I work a 50 hour week and juggle child care...school...groceries...lawn mowing...cleaning the house....yelling at teens to do chore and homework. And...and... I'm on child number two of teaching he. How to drive. My poor teens have learned how to drive and park taking me to wine store so I can have glass of wine after their Mr Wild Toad driving adventures. He didn't find any of this amusing. But that is the facts and I have expressed to him that it would make things easier on me if he would at least thank me once in a while for doing everything I do!

But that is typical marriage communication issue and not the real issue.

 

The real issue is his abscence which is causing communication issues.

[Clarence_Boddicker]

No need for counseling. Actions speak louder than words. If his job is not finically required for you guys to live, there's another reason for it. Does he enjoy a nomadic lifestyle? Does he have wanderlust? Is he working there to avoid you, his family or the marriage? Depending upon what he does, it sounds like he can easily get a similar local job that pays close to the same money. When you factor in that in essence he is working 24/7 (can't be home during his time off), so that lowers his pay by a lot.

[oldshirt]

Is this his ideal dream job, or is he looking for a stable job suitable for a married family man?

 

I think a more specific question is does he want to be a married family man AT ALL regardless of the job?

 

Since you are able to support the home and family, would he consider coming home and enrolling fulltime into either vocational training for another career that can have him home or furthering his education that will allow him a different career field or a position within this field that doesn't have him on the road.

 

If he's not willing to do that, then he may just not be a family man in general that values home and keeping the family together.

 

I would have no qualms with you offering him that option. If he refuses that option, I'd have no qualms with you reposing it as an ultimatum of that or divorce.

 

If he picks the divorce option then I think in the long run, divorce would be the better option.

 

He may simply be a man that doesn't value home and family. If that is the case, then if you don't want to be a single mom raising his kids in addition to your own, then divorce is a viable and reasonable option.

 

I value my career and I wouldn't that I am any more home and family oriented than the average man, and I would work at Wal-Mart scooping the dead fish out of the aquariums before I would live out of hotels and away from my family indefinitely without any future plans for reunification.

[S2B]

After 3 years into this - is 80% of his salary going to savings? Do YOU see it in savings or is he just telling you?

 

The issue really is that he has no understanding or compassion that he left you with all the day to day routine of taking care of the family while he lives like a single man.

 

No feelings for how you feel. That's not a partner.

[OldRover]

I'd only consider divorce as an absolute last solution, and only if the marriage was truly broken, and no chance of a solution.

 

Moving home is easy.. just give notice, pack your bags and go. That's just too simple to save a marriage, which is WAY more valuable than a stinking job.

 

And if that means reeducating, then so be it, but at ~40, it's a bit late, but still doable.

 

I've been thru this twice, both with major career changes, one which kept us apart for about a year, and that was horribly painful. I wouldn't want to do that again. The other, we did a two hour commute 2x a week for two years, but seeing each other most of the time, the only PITA was the travel. And the career changes paid off handsomely.

 

However, I can't emphasize how difficult LD relationships are! They absolutely suck, and over a long time period, it's doomed to fail.

[beanie66f]

Yes. I'm definitely open to exploring other options. I guess the ball is really in his court to make a decision on what he will do. It is not something I can force or make happen. I can be supportive and understanding if he decides to get training in some other field. But I think everyone here has validated my thoughts that this situation is just crazy and that I'm not being selfish or demanding asking my husband to quit his job and come home.

 

I'm just getting impression that since his son has now graduated "my role" of providing and supporting and guiding him ... And frankly raising him so my DH could even have this job... Well it's over. There is no reason for him to come back to a marriage because his son is moving out of the house and it is just me and my girls . I don't know he "feels" this way ... But by all outward appearances it certainly looks like it. For last 3 years he has been away all our fights revolved around the teen boy and stuff going on here. If he didn't quit last year to be home and address things with his son then I don't see him quitting now.

 

I think you have provided me with some succinctly phrased questions I can ask DH... Questions only he can answer. I can only guess and surmise what he is feeling or why he is doing what he is doing.

 

I do know that the reason he told me he didn't quit was because he was afraid if he quit the job I would leave him. I told him in March I didn't feel that way. He still left in April for the construction season. But the is last conversation when I flew out to discuss things I kept having he subject changed and avoided by interruptions when I kept trying to bring it up

[GunslingerRoland]

Maybe I'm focusing on the wrong thing here, but I'm a little confused. You said to make $150K he would have to double his hours and work another 10 years.... so how much does he actually make a year? Is it really worth it?

Sounds like he is making a pretty average salary for all this trouble.

 

But if it is his dream job and he cant do a similar job closer, you have to make the call on whether you can live like this forever.

 

4 months of the year together isn't the worst I've heard of by far though, but it's not for everyone.

[beanie66f]

He is currently making an average salary....35-42k a year depending on how many jobs he has in states with higher wage rates. He was quoted to be making 65-70k a year when the took the job the first year. That didn't happen. Then the second year they told him we will get you trained and promoted so you make what we told you you would make. The second year was about the same... 40k. This year I'm am projecting based on what he had made so far that he will be at about 42k.

 

So you are correct. What he is making is not worth the other issues. I think part of his issue is the "Potential" for higher salary and that entire idea of "I've invested three years and next year I will have the golden egg".

 

I'm more practical. I think past history is what the future holds. He will never work in just the high wage state job for a eight month construction season for 40 hours a week. I ran the math. If he worked 8 months at the highest wage rate available for 32 weeks and 40 hours he would make 58k. If he pulled 10 hours overtime to work 50 hours a week the entire time that would add 22k of overtime. So by my calculations the most he could ever expect from this job.... Working 50 hours a week in the best states out west with no equipment ever breaking down and no rain or weather closures would be 80k. I just think his expectation does not match reality in any way shape or form.

 

And to clarify. I don't give a rip if he makes 60..70...or 150k a year. What we need financially would be closer to just 30k a year... And that is really only to pay down mortgage and bills and build up savings and travel. We live very comfortably on my income. But it is important he have a job and income. He isn't one to not work!

 

The irony of all this... Before I met him He used to be in trucking and he made over 100k a year but he said he was gone all the time and he quit that field because he was never home to see his family or kids. When we dated he was in motorcycle sales and then worked for truck auto parts place. He kept getting laid off... With glowing letters of recommendation from employers. He was laid off third time and was a hot mess. So this job he took despite not wanting to be on road

 

Now he is choosing job that doesn't even pay close to that trucking industry line of work And he is gone the same as he would if he were in trucking. But at least in trucking they do have you come home! Rofl.

 

I prefer not to divorce. But I do also know that I'm not willing to live this type of marital lifestyle. I think I've gotten really helpful insight here that has helped me clarify what I want.

 

I want something bigger and better than someone with a paycheck. If I'm going to be married I want the guy I married who made me laugh and took care of his family and helped around he house and we traveled with. If he is not that person any more and my time with him was to raise his boy and provide them a stable home then so be it.

 

I can be alone on my own as a single divorcee

Edited September 14, 2015 by beanie66f

[GunslingerRoland]

You say it's not about the money... but that is why people sacrifice to work away from home... to make more money.

 

Sounds like there is something deeper going on here... if he's telling you that he'd prefer to work a job for the same (or less pay) where he sees less of you, whether you'd prefer to be single or not, you probably are going to be soon.

[beanie66f]

You say it's not about the money... but that is why people sacrifice to work away from home... to make more money.

 

Sounds like there is something deeper going on here... if he's telling you that he'd prefer to work a job for the same (or less pay) where he sees less of you, whether you'd prefer to be single or not, you probably are going to be soon.

 

That is very true... We did sacrifice for him to work away at home - because that was the only job he could find at the time and our financial circumstances were different.

 

I agree that something deeper is going on. I did flat out ask him if he wanted to be married and he got very upset. "Yes I want to be married and I love you, why do you keep bringing this up."

 

Errr... because you are working thousands of miles away and I don't get to see you, and you told me that you have no intention of quitting this job??? Uh, thats why I keep bringing it up. I want a game plan and an answer as to what your intentions are....because you can't really have this job and sustain a healthy marriage for the long haul.

 

Based on his response I'm thinking now that he just is obtuse - because I asked him - "are you telling me you would prefer to work a job for the same pay, where you see less of me?" and his response was NO... I want to have this job and see you and be with you.

 

I think I need a drink - I can't follow his logic. Unless I become a hood ornament for his construction vehicle, or a flag girl, I really don't see that happening. DH being able to keep this job, and see me. ... eyeroll..

 

 

Obviously this is something we are going to need to talk further about..I'm getting no where. Things tend to be very black and white to me. Either your in...or your out... I do not understand this fuzzy logic of "I want this..and that"

 

I thank everyone for their thoughts and posts! it has been helpful.

[OldRover]

He is currently making an average salary....35-42k a year depending on how many jobs he has in states with higher wage rates. He was quoted to be making 65-70k a year when the took the job the first year. That didn't happen. Then the second year they told him we will get you trained and promoted so you make what we told you you would make. The second year was about the same... 40k. This year I'm am projecting based on what he had made so far that he will be at about 42k.

 

So you are correct. What he is making is not worth the other issues. I think part of his issue is the "Potential" for higher salary and that entire idea of "I've invested three years and next year I will have the golden egg".

 

I'm more practical. I think past history is what the future holds. He will never work in just the high wage state job for a eight month construction season for 40 hours a week. I ran the math. If he worked 8 months at the highest wage rate available for 32 weeks and 40 hours he would make 58k. If he pulled 10 hours overtime to work 50 hours a week the entire time that would add 22k of overtime. So by my calculations the most he could ever expect from this job.... Working 50 hours a week in the best states out west with no equipment ever breaking down and no rain or weather closures would be 80k. I just think his expectation does not match reality in any way shape or form.

 

And to clarify. I don't give a rip if he makes 60..70...or 150k a year. What we need financially would be closer to just 30k a year... And that is really only to pay down mortgage and bills and build up savings and travel. We live very comfortably on my income. But it is important he have a job and income. He isn't one to not work!

 

The irony of all this... Before I met him He used to be in trucking and he made over 100k a year but he said he was gone all the time and he quit that field because he was never home to see his family or kids. When we dated he was in motorcycle sales and then worked for truck auto parts place. He kept getting laid off... With glowing letters of recommendation from employers. He was laid off third time and was a hot mess. So this job he took despite not wanting to be on road

 

Now he is choosing job that doesn't even pay close to that trucking industry line of work And he is gone the same as he would if he were in trucking. But at least in trucking they do have you come home! Rofl.

 

I prefer not to divorce. But I do also know that I'm not willing to live this type of marital lifestyle. I think I've gotten really helpful insight here that has helped me clarify what I want.

 

I want something bigger and better than someone with a paycheck. If I'm going to be married I want the guy I married who made me laugh and took care of his family and helped around he house and we traveled with. If he is not that person any more and my time with him was to raise his boy and provide them a stable home then so be it.

 

I can be alone on my own as a single divorcee

 

beanie66f:

 

This post is very revealing. First is shows that he's really not making much money, so little advantage in paying additional expenses out of town... housing, travel, etc.

 

Next, you mention he's skilled in construction. Those skills are usually valuable anywhere in the country.

 

He's got the skills to "sell" his product to anyone needed work on their home. He's been in sales and construction. He does need to be a self started, however, and be motivated to make it work.

 

He could just be a handyman, and I'd suggest specializing in something that most homeowners don't like to do. Kitchen, baths, tile decks, are great. He could also line up with another person and sell his products or services, and perhaps participate in doing the job. It's pretty easy to make $20 or $30 the first year... and a lot more in later years as you develop your business.

 

Also, with his skills in selling, there's always opportunity there, usually straight commission, but with the right products, one can build that up to a reasonable income. Look for products that people need no matter what.

 

Tell him to come home to be with you and you'll support him with what he wants to do. Be prepared to help him through some of the hard times, getting going.

 

If he's serious about your marriage, he should jump at this.

 

====

I went through this with a very close relative, where the guy wanted to go out of town for better income, but I pointed out that after expenses, he would make significantly more than staying home, and mention how hard it would be on the marriage. He didn't do it, however, is still making minimal income (she supports him, like you do), but he's back in school to better himself and it's working. They are your age.

[Mr. Lucky]

I value my career and I wouldn't that I am any more home and family oriented than the average man, and I would work at Wal-Mart scooping the dead fish out of the aquariums before I would live out of hotels and away from my family indefinitely without any future plans for reunification.

 

If he's serious about your marriage, he should jump at this.

 

Agree with both. This isn't about money, it's about choosing to actively participate in marriage and family - or not. Were your H on his deathbed, doubt he'd say "wish I had one more year at $42K".

 

That which he's voluntarily giving up has no price or measurement in monetary value. Were it me, I'd set a timeline for MC and reunification - or else...

 

Mr. Lucky