Long Distance Marriage ~ is there hope

[beanie66f]

Oldrover. He could be handyman in my house Lol. It's falling apart.

 

In all seriousness... This was something we talked about before he had this job fall in his lap. He has house construction background. He did that for 7 years. When we were dating he actually did new floors and kitchen in my house. That work is hard on his back and knees. But there are other ideas and options. He is REALLY good at training people for cdl licenses. We live in area that has tons of state jobs. Our economy changed drastically in the last year and we had influx of state dollars. So our employment situation is much better than 3 years ago.

 

I have complete confidence and faith he could find something he enjoys here. I do suspect that there is more going on in his head about this. Sense of worth and wanting to bring in substantial salary and company that keeps making promises they can't deliver... Not wanting to start over --- again--- Fear of no stability in another job.

All I can do is offer my support and encouragement. He will need to make the decision. Life is about balance. He will need to decide what he is willing to do.

 

I'm not okay with the lifestyle however. This was to be a 2 yr temporary situation to get bills paid off and sacrifice to that end. Not a career move.

[S2B]

Why not take a week of vacation and pop in where he is to find out what his days look like - in his environment?

 

Also, is there any chance he is setting money aside and not telling you?

 

 

He certainly has considered that paying for an additional place called home must cost the family money earned, no?

 

You need a peek at what his other life looks like- the one where he is on his own to do as he pleases.

[Mr. Lucky]

He certainly has considered that paying for an additional place called home must cost the family money earned, no?

 

I had a similar job after my divorce, usually you're provided a travel allowance, cheap place to stay and fast-food level Per Diem so living expenses don't come out of pocket.

 

However, as was stated before, this isn't about money...

 

Mr. Lucky

[beanie66f]

Why not take a week of vacation and pop in where he is to find out what his days look like - in his environment?

 

Also, is there any chance he is setting money aside and not telling you?

 

 

He certainly has considered that paying for an additional place called home must cost the family money earned, no?

 

You need a peek at what his other life looks like- the one where he is on his own to do as he pleases.

 

I actually did fly out. But I have a pretty solid understanding of his work environment and schedule. I used to be a construction inspector for jobs like he is working on. We talk on his way to job site and when he gets back to the hotel. The hours are long when they are actually working. If there is rain, or holidays the jobs are shut down - so those are really the only days they get "off". Typically they leave the hotel around 5 to drive to the job site..sometimes it is closer to 6..but it is usually pretty early. Some jobs they need to shut down during rush hour...some jobs are night work only. But I've always known when he is actually working. Each night there is about an hour to 2 of maintenance work for the machines. Weekends they work. Saturday is usually a maintenance day until around 1 ish..then they do laundry or go to walmart for supplies. Most Sundays they are driving to another state to start another job. A lot of miles and driving are involved, interspersed with actual work. If they don't have to drive they go to a sports bar (buffalo wild wings if they can find one and watch sports.

 

No..I pretty much know what he makes and how many hours he works. The paystubs come to the house and we have jt account. The only money that I don't know about are the expense checks. That would be reimbursement for stuff they purchase. Frankly he isn't turning in all the receipts he should to get fully reimbursed from the company.

 

As Mr Lucky indicted - the company pays for the hotels and they have a daily stipend for food. So there isn't much "out of pocket" expense associated with the job. Except that when they DO have 2 or 3 days off due to rain, or a job being pushed back because the Prime Contractor isn't ready for them to start and they can't get something else scheduled - they don't get paid those days and the crew will usually "go" somewhere to visit. It doesn't happen often - but it does happen at least once each season it seems.

 

its really not a "relaxing" job. They work long hours - typically they do not even go to dinner until after 9 at night. If they are back to hotel and heading to dinner at 7 then it was a good day. Its construction, and crap is always breaking down and needing to be fixed and putting them behind schedule.

 

they like to work the long hours to get in as much as they can in the week to rack up overtime. So, I know that he's not out there goofing off. DH is a really really hard worker, and he runs his crew hard and makes them due the maintenance to keep the equipment clean and running.

 

When "he" gets back to the hotel after dinner, he has to process daily timesheets, and review plans for the next day and back check log books and that kind of stuff. Its not a lot of time, and its not always a daily thing. But as an example, last week he worked about 65 hours from Sunday to Thursday.

 

All this is part of the reason why I'm in a WTH frame of mind. He is busting his ass, running a crew, fixing equipment on his own, making money for a company, and they are not compensating him appropriately. As so many here said - its not about the money though. Its about making a choice about whether you want to live a nomadic life, or if you want to be a stable married family man.

 

My DH is a talented hard working honest man. I just feel he is short changing himself, and our family. Its something he will need to figure out what he really wants - because he can't really have the two things he is saying he wants.

[spanz1]

Why I can't move to live with him. He is living out of hotels the entire time he I gone. He generally will stay in one hotel for 3-4 days and then they move to another job site in a different part of the country. So if I relocated and moved- it would still be same situation. He wouldn't be home at the location I moved to . He works road construction. The company he works for bids on projects across the country and he runs a crew and manages those jobs. The company headquarters is in our town where we own our house.

 

wow, you have a lot of excuses there.

How about trying harder. go visit him for a week, at least every 2 months.

when you are away, skype video chat with him.

[beanie66f]

wow, you have a lot of excuses there.

How about trying harder. go visit him for a week, at least every 2 months.

when you are away, skype video chat with him.

 

LMAO I have tried to video chat with him. He isn't interested in doing that because he shares a hotel room with another crew member. there was no privacy and he didn't like it.

 

I have two minor children living at my house that I'm taking care of, so buying a $700 plane ticket and leaving for out west to visit him for a few hours in the evening when he isn't working isn't a realistic reality.

 

Add that... I have a full time job, which gives me a total of 3 weeks vacation a year. Im the single mom here at home..so if my kids get sick - guess what I have to use my vacation. I really have about 2 weeks of vacation to use each year for actual vacation. We typically go on vacation in the winter when school is closed for break.

 

Regardless, if I had 3 months vacation, skipping off out west to see my working husband isn't a valid option.

 

His job means...he is WORKING.. There is no "visiting" he isn't out there on vacation. That would be equivalent of someone showing up at your office waiting for you to get off work to take them out to dinner. Its construction.... they move every 3 to 4 days to a new hotel. They don't have a set "schedule. For example - he just found out 2 days ago job plans changed he needed to leave to drive to Michegan He was supposed to be in Minnesota . If I would have paid for tickets to come see him this weekend - he would not longer be in the state I was expecting him to be in.

 

This is not a job that he has that I can pick up and go "visit" him. There are 2 scheduled holidays. Memorial Day labor day. That is when you get to see you spouse in this line of work. I did fly out to see him for Labor Day. It was nice seeing him, but it also meant I had to make arrangements for my children to stay with other people over their holiday break so I could go see my husband.

 

Editted to add: And when I flew out for Labor day - He had to drive 5 hours to meet me at the airport on Friday. Then on Saturday we spent the morning until noon at the truck repair shop because the rig he is operating had some kind of issue and it needed fixed. He spent various hours on the phone calling around to places to get it repaired and back to boss to decide what to do. I didn't mind - but it bothered him. This is the type of job he has.

Edited September 16, 2015 by beanie66f

[Mr. Lucky]

When "he" gets back to the hotel after dinner, he has to process daily timesheets, and review plans for the next day and back check log books and that kind of stuff. Its not a lot of time, and its not always a daily thing. But as an example, last week he worked about 65 hours from Sunday to Thursday.

 

Wow, he's working these kinds of hours for $40 -45K per year?

 

Is your local Mcd's or Subway hiring? He could put in 65 hours at $10/hour and make the same money...

 

Mr. Lucky

[CarrieT]

Wow, he's working these kinds of hours for $40 -45K per year?

 

Is your local Mcd's or Subway hiring? He could put in 65 hours at $10/hour and make the same money...

Excellent point.

 

Bring him home and help him find a job where he is part of the family. Wouldn't that be worth a little less money in the bank?

[beanie66f]

Mr Lucky

 

Last week was a fluke - 65 hours is not the "typical" week. I would say a typical/normal week is probably 50... 55 if crap breaks and they are fixing things.

 

The other bizarre thing about this job is that there are 2 salary rates. LOL A cheap rate they pay them for doing maintenance and repairs and for driving. Which comprise a lot of his week because he is on subcontractor work and going from small job to small job all over the place. That pay rate is only a few dollars more than what he could get at MCDonalds here. I'm not kidding. This company is a piece of work.

 

The "good rate" is when they are actually on the job site doing work and getting the Federal Wage rate. That is actually a salary commensurate to what he should be earning. But typically he has about 20-25 hours a week of the crappy pay rate..and the remainder on the good rate.

 

And the other thing they do which Im fairly sure is illegal - is they have 2 companies they pay him from for the paycheck. One company for the crappy rate. One company for the Federal wage rate. So you can never figure out if they are calculating his overtime pay correctly. The pay periods for these 2 checks are completely different. Its all very shady if you ask me, but I try not to delve into that. but its all very very odd.

 

But YES....he could work any any $12 hour job here and if he put in those hours would make money. I wouldn't want him working those kind of hours.

 

but his attitude is - if he is on the road, they are going to be working - so he pushes the crew and they go from job to job to rack up the hours to try and get the overtime. They would rather be driving to next job than sitting in hotel room.

 

its all just crazy the more I type it out.

[beanie66f]

Excellent point.

 

Bring him home and help him find a job where he is part of the family. Wouldn't that be worth a little less money in the bank?

 

Absolutely!!!! I really don't care if he drives an ice cream truck for $100 bucks a week. I'de rather have him home! His being here and being able to fix all the broken stuff and help is worth more to me than the salary he is making being away.

 

I want him to be happy and have a fulfilling job. But it isn't about the money for me...never has been.

[OldRover]

Absolutely!!!! I really don't care if he drives an ice cream truck for $100 bucks a week. I'de rather have him home! His being here and being able to fix all the broken stuff and help is worth more to me than the salary he is making being away.

 

I want him to be happy and have a fulfilling job. But it isn't about the money for me...never has been.

 

Beanie,

 

You need to find out what his real motive is. It's certainly not about money or the job. What he's doing for the little he's making is absolutely stupid... no upside at all.

 

If he really doesn't want to come back into your life, there's something else going on. What he's doing makes absolutely NO sense.

[SoleMate]

His reasoning just makes no sense to me. His words say he wants to be with you and be married to you....and his actions tend to say, rather strongly I'd assert, that he doesn't. Or at least doesn't want a close marriage with daily contact. That's not wrong, and maybe even not that unusual, but it's not what you want. I'd say it's time to have the "come to Jesus" talk. Right now, you're a "married single mother". You're keeping the home fires burning, and lonely.

 

If he were off doing something really worth it, that you both agreed on, then fine. But you don't agree to this. Again, come to Jesus. Be as straight up with him as you have been with us. If he doesn't see how serious this is, put it in writing to make it harder to brush off. Good luck!

[beanie66f]

Beanie,

 

You need to find out what his real motive is. It's certainly not about money or the job. What he's doing for the little he's making is absolutely stupid... no upside at all.

 

If he really doesn't want to come back into your life, there's something else going on. What he's doing makes absolutely NO sense.

 

I agree. I'm logical. I've tried using logic to understand what is going on. There is no logical explanation. So I assumed that he no longer wanted to be married. Hence my flying out to see him in person and find out what was going on. I think it is the "job" I think he likes it, and I think he likes being away and not having to deal with stuff at home. I think he likes the idea of being married, and having a wife here for when the season is over and he comes home from December to March. We enjoy each others company, we are good together.

 

Basically he has said that if I keep pushing this issue about the "game plan" and what is going on with this job it will drive him away. My response is, then so be it. I need an answer on what your intentions are. He basically told me last night when I pushed the issue that he doesn't know. That he doesn't have any plan. He just likes this job and what he does and he is good at it.

 

We will see. I don't see this ending well. I hope differently. I hope that he would be willing to try some other things, because i truly believe he could find something very very similar here in our own state. We just had HUGE influx of transportation money and our state is cranking up old highway projects that have been shelved for 6 years. There is going to be huge construction boom happening again here, and I would love for him to consider opening up his own business. If we did it together it could be a DBE and every state contract is required to have about 15% DBE work on it.

 

Or hell... open a Subway restaurant...or some other franchise. There are so many options and opportunities.

 

But alas - i honestly don't see him quitting this job. From what I can gather from the pulling teeth questions I can get him to answer is this.... He feels that there are huge opportunities on the horizon waiting just for him with this company. He has put his dues in and he just needs to be patient and wait for them to be bestowed upon him.

 

Basically, what I'm hearing is - he wants to have a job, out west and not a marriage. however, when I phrased it that way to him, he got really really upset. He wants both. he wants a marriage, and he wants it with me.

He is not a complicated man...he is a very simple man. So I don't think he has some elaborate snowball of a plan up his sleeve.

 

I really think he is thinking he can have both? its all very odd to me - which is why I decided to post on the forum. I think the majority here have articulated what I was thinking about the entire scenario.

 

And honestly, if he came to me and said, I really really like this. I want to do it another 2 years until DD graduates high school and then I will find something else. Well, I would probably be okay with that. We would figure out a budget for me to fly out with kids and make it work for another 2 years.

 

But..thats not what I'm reading between the lines. This is what he wants to do until he retires. And he can't have me..and do that. I won't live like this for the next 20 years.

[S2B]

But... He knows being away makes you unhappy and the family divided...yet he doesn't seem to care how this makes you feel.

 

THAT would be the bigger issue here, for me. If my husband didn't care about my feelings then I wouldn't consider him my partner.

 

If he were willing to continue being the CAUSE of my hurt feelings I would eliminate him. Especially given that I'd already been living life without him most of the time anyway.

 

My initial thought was that he has a girlfriend there where he is living - but you seem to think that's not the case. Looks like his work is his mistress = same concept really. So he CHOOSES to stay away from the family and that leaves you out in the cold.

 

Why can't he understand he's not being a supportive husband to you?

 

Has he always been sort of selfish?

[beanie66f]

But... He knows being away makes you unhappy and the family divided...yet he doesn't seem to care how this makes you feel.

 

THAT would be the bigger issue here, for me. If my husband didn't care about my feelings then I wouldn't consider him my partner.

 

If he were willing to continue being the CAUSE of my hurt feelings I would eliminate him. Especially given that I'd already been living life without him most of the time anyway.

 

My initial thought was that he has a girlfriend there where he is living - but you seem to think that's not the case. Looks like his work is his mistress = same concept really. So he CHOOSES to stay away from the family and that leaves you out in the cold.

 

Why can't he understand he's not being a supportive husband to you?

 

Has he always been sort of selfish?

 

Ding ding ding! Omg yes, that is how I was left feeling when I flew out. When it was time for me to leave I was an unglued sobbing hot mess. I am NEVER an unglued sobbing hot mess. EVER. He has heard me articulate quite clearly how this makes me feel. Then he witnessed how his being away is tearing me up. And yet.... still no followup conversation about "how can I make this work"

 

So... I think he really doesn't are he isn't being a supportive husband, and yes, if I really ponder about everything I have heard from him about his past relationships and his marriage, yes - he has always been this sort of selfish. It never manifested itself to "me" until last year however when I asked him to quit and not go this year.

 

That is the big issue for me right now ..that he doesn't seem to care how this is making me feel. But it all ties back into me trying to logically understand why.

 

And maybe there is no why. Maybe its just he is an idiot and obtuse and selfish.

 

I've always believed actions speak louder than words. I told him that - if you really do love me, then you need to find the actions to show it. He sees it as an ultimatum. It is. and unfortunately I think its not going to be the outcome I would like. and that makes me sad. really really sad.

[S2B]

Ding ding ding! Omg yes, that is how I was left feeling when I flew out. When it was time for me to leave I was an unglued sobbing hot mess. I am NEVER an unglued sobbing hot mess. EVER. He has heard me articulate quite clearly how this makes me feel. Then he witnessed how his being away is tearing me up. And yet.... still no followup conversation about "how can I make this work"

 

So... I think he really doesn't are he isn't being a supportive husband, and yes, if I really ponder about everything I have heard from him about his past relationships and his marriage, yes - he has always been this sort of selfish. It never manifested itself to "me" until last year however when I asked him to quit and not go this year.

 

That is the big issue for me right now ..that he doesn't seem to care how this is making me feel. But it all ties back into me trying to logically understand why.

 

And maybe there is no why. Maybe its just he is an idiot and obtuse and selfish.

 

I've always believed actions speak louder than words. I told him that - if you really do love me, then you need to find the actions to show it. He sees it as an ultimatum. It is. and unfortunately I think its not going to be the outcome I would like. and that makes me sad. really really sad.

 

I'm sorry this has you so sad. I can understand why.

 

No one else should be responsible for your happiness. That comes from you/from within.

 

But, when married, it is normal to think that the spouse we made vows to will love, honor and support us. I don't see those actions from your husband, not now.

 

Given that he's not taking action to change it - the change can only come from you.

 

And if you need more than he's willing to give - then he should understand that what he is offering isn't enough, for you.

 

You didn't marry him so you would be alone - surely he must know that. Yet he's left you mainly alone. That's not what your agreement was.

 

 

And since he's unwilling to consider how he's making you feel - you may as well be on your own - so that you can mentally adjust to not having a real partner.

 

 

And someday maybe you will find a new partner that's not going to leave you stranded and alone.

 

 

 

I've seen men like this - but I have to say that most of them are on the fringe of being autistic - which explains why the don't concern themselves with how others "feel". But your H doesn't seem to fit that pattern either...?

[sandylee1]

wow, you have a lot of excuses there.

How about trying harder. go visit him for a week, at least every 2 months.

when you are away, skype video chat with him.

 

The OP has explained all this.

She's not making excuses.

[Mr. Lucky]

And the other thing they do which Im fairly sure is illegal - is they have 2 companies they pay him from for the paycheck. One company for the crappy rate. One company for the Federal wage rate. So you can never figure out if they are calculating his overtime pay correctly. The pay periods for these 2 checks are completely different. Its all very shady if you ask me, but I try not to delve into that. but its all very very odd.

 

That's a pretty common dodge in my business used by companies to pay less - or sometimes no - overtime. Instead of a 60 hour week with 40 hours of straight time and 20 hours of OT, they'll schedule you for 30 hours of straight time from each company. If there's common ownership between the two companies, it's not legal.

 

But those are financial issues in what is a marital manner. What's the plan for some straight talk with your husband ?

 

Mr. Lucky

[beanie66f]

That's a pretty common dodge in my business used by companies to pay less - or sometimes no - overtime. Instead of a 60 hour week with 40 hours of straight time and 20 hours of OT, they'll schedule you for 30 hours of straight time from each company. If there's common ownership between the two companies, it's not legal.

 

But those are financial issues in what is a marital manner. What's the plan for some straight talk with your husband ?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

That's interesting! There is not common ownership. 2 of the guys own the one company. 3 own the other. But the one company is the shop and work zone signing and other equipment. And the other company is what bids on the projects. I still think it's a shell game. But maybe it is a legal shell game tbat you mention the ownership thing.

 

I've tried talking the last 2 nights... All I'm getting is he is in love with me. Doesn't want a divorce and doesn't want to talk about job. I am going to have to wait until he is back home in November. This over the phone heavy stuff isn't working out so hot. We need to be in same room to hash this out