brokensoul88 Posted September 14, 2015 Share Posted September 14, 2015 (edited) How do you go on when you have been married for not even a year, but already lost all the love you had for your husband, nor he is trying to recover it which hurts even more and you have a precious 4 month old baby girl? :'( Edited September 14, 2015 by brokensoul88 Link to post Share on other sites
Clarence_Boddicker Posted September 14, 2015 Share Posted September 14, 2015 Easy, think about providing the best life you can for your kid. That's should be your priority for the next 18 years. Link to post Share on other sites
Author brokensoul88 Posted September 14, 2015 Author Share Posted September 14, 2015 ok..then I ll stay in a loveless marriage, eat a lot of chocolate as a substitution for love, gain weight and become a 30 year old fat mom. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted September 14, 2015 Share Posted September 14, 2015 Stop. First how did you lose all love for your husband? Is he a bad guy? or did you have an unrealistic fairy tail vision of marriage? It's not all sunshine & roses. There is housework, regular work, bills & dirty diapers. It's pop psychology but read two books called the Care & Feeding of a Husband and the Care & Feeding of a Marriage by Dr. Laura. Some of it is garbage but they talk about being appreciative. Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted September 14, 2015 Share Posted September 14, 2015 How about a few more details so we know what's going on and can offer some legitimate advise? Is he beating you and chaining you in the basement while he molests children and kicks puppies, or are you feeling overwhelmed with a newborn and have some post partum depression to go along with it and just need some more support and possibly some treatment for the PP depression? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author brokensoul88 Posted September 14, 2015 Author Share Posted September 14, 2015 ok, now you made me a sick person. I love my baby and changing diapers, feeding her, playing with her and loving her everyday is a blessing. so please, drop the nonsense. Link to post Share on other sites
Author brokensoul88 Posted September 14, 2015 Author Share Posted September 14, 2015 How about a few more details so we know what's going on and can offer some legitimate advise? Is he beating you and chaining you in the basement while he molests children and kicks puppies, or are you feeling overwhelmed with a newborn and have some post partum depression to go along with it and just need some more support and possibly some treatment for the PP depression? Your words, mr/mrs, with all do respect, are crap and someone like you, with such attitude, shouldnt even be here and give advices. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted September 14, 2015 Share Posted September 14, 2015 ok, now you made me a sick person. I love my baby and changing diapers, feeding her, playing with her and loving her everyday is a blessing. so please, drop the nonsense. Nobody made you a sick person. Oldshirt asked if you have postpartum depression. A lot of people do & it doesn't always manifest as failing to address your baby's needs. It may be a factor in why you feel less love for your husband. Oldshirt is one of the wisest posters around here. The conclusions you are jumping to & your response about eating chocolate & getting fat speak more to your contributions to your situation. We asked what was going on. If you are being physically abused by your husband of course you need to get out of this marriage. But when all you do is say that without having been married for even 1 year you already lost all love for your husband we need to know why? If your baby is 4 months old you were pregnant when you married. If that was the only reason you married, it may be a contributing factor in the seeming demise of your marriage. The way that gets addressed is different then the way other problems get addressed. Tell us more about what is going on so we can help you. If you withhold vital facts you will only get unhelpful answers because we are speculating about the cause of your problems. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author brokensoul88 Posted September 14, 2015 Author Share Posted September 14, 2015 (edited) Stop. First how did you lose all love for your husband? Is he a bad guy? or did you have an unrealistic fairy tail vision of marriage? It's not all sunshine & roses. There is housework, regular work, bills & dirty diapers. It's pop psychology but read two books called the Care & Feeding of a Husband and the Care & Feeding of a Marriage by Dr. Laura. Some of it is garbage but they talk about being appreciative. I m not complaning about my obligations at home. You are taking this to a whole new level. That its not the case at all. Edited September 14, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted September 14, 2015 Share Posted September 14, 2015 (edited) brokensoul I am a woman. I am trying to figure out what your issue is. I suggested you read 2 books because I found them helpful during the 1st year of my marriage when I was struggling to figure out "how" to "be" married. I didn't have the added pressure of a baby. At this point though, because you have failed to explain why you are unhappy other than you have fallen out of love with your husband, but you lash out & attack us then start with the name calling, my advice to you is divorce your husband & give him full custody while you go off & work on your issues. At least this way your kid will have a fighting chance. Edited September 14, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 3 Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted September 14, 2015 Share Posted September 14, 2015 When you come down off your high horse, drop the attitude and stop with the attacks and name calling and address people's legitimate questions, some of the posters may opt to help you. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author brokensoul88 Posted September 14, 2015 Author Share Posted September 14, 2015 When you come down off your high horse, drop the attitude and stop with the attacks and name calling and address people's legitimate questions, some of the posters may opt to help you. exactly..thats what i thought this was all about. help with an advice. and not making assumptions about someone and something they know nothing about. beating and chaining and dog picking? give me a break. Link to post Share on other sites
Author brokensoul88 Posted September 14, 2015 Author Share Posted September 14, 2015 brokensoul I am a woman. I am trying to figure out what your issue is. I suggested you read 2 books because I found them helpful during the 1st year of my marriage when I was struggling to figure out "how" to "be" married. I didn't have the added pressure of a baby. At this point though, because you have failed to explain why you are unhappy other than you have fallen out of love with your husband, but you lash out & attack us then start with the name calling, my advice to you is divorce your husband & give him full custody while you go off & work on your issues. At least this way your kid will have a fighting chance. where on earth did I say I didnt know how to be married? whatever, I said I wont explain myself any further. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted September 14, 2015 Share Posted September 14, 2015 where on earth did I say I didnt know how to be married? whatever, I said I wont explain myself any further. I said I didn't know how to be married & turned to a lot of self help books. Those two I thought would help you. They talk about appreciation for your spouse & how that can rekindle love. You said you fell out of love but you persist in not explaining why. Instead of being so defensive just explain yourself. You haven't to date. Your post initially read like you wanted to save your marriage. To help you do that you have to give us more info about what went wrong. Why are you so unwilling to do that? Link to post Share on other sites
Author brokensoul88 Posted September 14, 2015 Author Share Posted September 14, 2015 Nobody made you a sick person. Oldshirt asked if you have postpartum depression. A lot of people do & it doesn't always manifest as failing to address your baby's needs. It may be a factor in why you feel less love for your husband. Oldshirt is one of the wisest posters around here. The conclusions you are jumping to & your response about eating chocolate & getting fat speak more to your contributions to your situation. We asked what was going on. If you are being physically abused by your husband of course you need to get out of this marriage. But when all you do is say that without having been married for even 1 year you already lost all love for your husband we need to know why? If your baby is 4 months old you were pregnant when you married. If that was the only reason you married, it may be a contributing factor in the seeming demise of your marriage. The way that gets addressed is different then the way other problems get addressed. Tell us more about what is going on so we can help you. If you withhold vital facts you will only get unhelpful answers because we are speculating about the cause of your problems. you speculated before you got an answer. and ur speculations were bad. thats not a way to talk to anyone. Link to post Share on other sites
Author brokensoul88 Posted September 14, 2015 Author Share Posted September 14, 2015 I said I didn't know how to be married & turned to a lot of self help books. Those two I thought would help you. They talk about appreciation for your spouse & how that can rekindle love. You said you fell out of love but you persist in not explaining why. Instead of being so defensive just explain yourself. You haven't to date. Your post initially read like you wanted to save your marriage. To help you do that you have to give us more info about what went wrong. Why are you so unwilling to do that? who said I was unwilling? I was, before all this. not anymore. I ll just delete the post. Link to post Share on other sites
Grumpybutfun Posted September 14, 2015 Share Posted September 14, 2015 What is wrong with your husband/marriage? G Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted September 14, 2015 Share Posted September 14, 2015 who said I was unwilling? I was, before all this. not anymore. I ll just delete the post. I concluded you are unwilling to tell use because I have asked multiple times as have others but you still haven't provided the info. What else are we supposed to think? Link to post Share on other sites
OldRover Posted September 14, 2015 Share Posted September 14, 2015 brokensoul88, So far, you have given very little for the posters here to help. The only thing you say is that you don't love him anymore. Need a LOT more info. What's really going on? Why don't you love him, and what efforts have you both tried? Did you know him before you got married and what are your histories. All of that will tell a LOT on your situation and perhaps you can get some help. And FWIW, your problems so far, is EASY TO FIX, we just need to know what the problem is! Link to post Share on other sites
Author brokensoul88 Posted September 14, 2015 Author Share Posted September 14, 2015 together for 7 years now, of which 3 together while in college , and 4 have been long distance, and also ever since we got married, which is this last 7th year we were long distance and saw each other only on weekends cause we work in different cities.. thats how it had to be, its really hard to find work here, especially like the one I have. we didnt get married cause I got pregnant. we got engaged months back before I stayed pregnant, so pregnancy was not the reason. it was love. but it all started a day after I gave birth. My labour was hard and all I wanted after it, was to go home at my mums, stay for a week or two until I recovered and learned how to take care of my baby. stuff that i only trusted my mum to teach me of course. but he was against it, as if it was something that would crash his world. he was supposed to take days off from work anyway, so he was supposed to come with me. but he refused to. his problems are other. he has a low self esteem problem. he thinks i dont respect him as a man. which is not true. I did. but not anymore. not after he started running at home to his parents complaning about things and about me instead of talking to me and trying to solve our problems. is that a man? i think thats a boyish behaviour. I ve not once complained to my parents the way he does, especially not about him. If I ever listened to my parents, I wouldnt have been where I am now anyway, it got so complicated and eventually he was refusing to hug me or anything like that. saying he is angry and all and I begged him to come to his senses and to man up. which he wont cause he still listens to his parents about everything. then some times passed, and he started being the old him, but now I am not feeling what I felt for him before. Now, whenever he tries to hug me or kiss me, I cannot help to remember how he treated me and all the things he was telling me back then. and I have told him about it, he doesnt know what to say or do. He would just say "ok, dont kiss me, until when?" and I would say "idk" and he d say "ok". If I were a man that loves a woman, I d sit her down, talk to her gently, apologise and tell her I never wanted it to be like this. but unfortunetly I m not the man in this situation. I m angry, because what was supposed to be the most beautiful period of my life, turned out to be the worst because of him and his parents. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted September 14, 2015 Share Posted September 14, 2015 thank you for explaining it. It makes wayyyyy more sense now. I too would be devastated if after giving birth my husband, the baby's father wasn't supportive in the way I wanted him to be. That said, your desire to go running home to your mum didn't help the situation. Your husband was probably expecting you to come home to him where you 3 would begin your lives together. To have you express an interest in going somewhere other than your marital home probably upset him & made him worried that he wasn't enough. In his mind you were casting him as a bad husband & incompetent father. I'm not saying you did that. I am saying he may have mistakenly felt that way. When you started fighting, the way you turned to your family of origin for help with your baby, he turned to his family for comfort. Somehow that made you both feel like you were being pulled apart & it put a strain on your relationship. When he then refused to hug you, you understandably got upset by his rejection & then your opinion of him changed. This is definitely something you two can fix if you are willing. MC would be the best place to start, as would mutual apologies from you both for your actions & overreactions. You may need to promise to separate yourselves from your parents more to cling to each other & bond as a family. hugs now & possibly a date night would also be good. BTW, the two books I initially recommended to you may help. Again they focus on appreciation. You don't respect him right now but if you hope to save your marriage you have to find a new path back to him & those books may help you better understand what he may be feeling. These are mass market pop psychology books but my take on them has always been if you take a few kernels of understanding away after skimming them, they can have value. Link to post Share on other sites
Author brokensoul88 Posted September 14, 2015 Author Share Posted September 14, 2015 thank you for taking the time to write me. the thing is, I m all alone in this city, my parents live in another town, his live in another and we live in a third. I have friends (not married) and relatives here, but they all have their life, work and obligations throughout the day, so its as if I am alone aaallll day long, until my husband comes back home from work in the late afternoon hours. how was I suppose to handle that and a baby I didnt know how to take care of? plus I could barely walk. I couldnt sit on my bum. all I needed were a couple of days. and he made them hell to me. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted September 14, 2015 Share Posted September 14, 2015 I don't have kids but I can't image not having support. I take it your mom wasn't able to come to you? If that's why you wanted to go to her, I too would have been more upset with DH for not rolling up his sleeves or at least understanding that you weren't rejecting him but seeking support. Can you join a local mom's group in the area so you have some adult interaction while DH is at work? It sounds like part of your frustration is from the isolation you feel. If you can do things you might feel better over all. Link to post Share on other sites
GunslingerRoland Posted September 14, 2015 Share Posted September 14, 2015 You have a lot going on, but a couple of things. While you don't feel you were supported when you had the baby, personally I would have found that really hard to take if when my wife came home from the hospital she said she wanted to stay at her mothers place for a few weeks... that isn't normal. You should have been at home with your husband and your new baby learning to be a family. I totally see his point of view, and while I'm not saying he handled it well... you have to see his side of it. You don't take the baby away to learn how to be a mom... Secondly it sounds like you spent so much time apart before getting married that you just brushed over the personality traits that you already knew he had and knew you didn't like. That is the problem with long distance relationships IMO. You need to start from scratch. If you want to fix things you need to restart, and look at it fresh. Have you lived with someone before? People aren't perfect, it takes a lot of give and take in a relationship. You probably need to get some counseling... but you also need to change your expectations and realize that your actions can hurt your husband just as his can hurt you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author brokensoul88 Posted September 14, 2015 Author Share Posted September 14, 2015 I don't have kids but I can't image not having support. I take it your mom wasn't able to come to you? If that's why you wanted to go to her, I too would have been more upset with DH for not rolling up his sleeves or at least understanding that you weren't rejecting him but seeking support. Can you join a local mom's group in the area so you have some adult interaction while DH is at work? It sounds like part of your frustration is from the isolation you feel. If you can do things you might feel better over all. that may play a part too.. the fact that I m feeling isolated and on top of all, he comes home late, and it all evolves around our baby girl, bathing her, putting her to sleep and its already midnight, and we barely talk about other stuff... no such groups here..its not something people do here so.. Link to post Share on other sites
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