Lost love

[brokensoul88]

You have a lot going on, but a couple of things.

 

While you don't feel you were supported when you had the baby, personally I would have found that really hard to take if when my wife came home from the hospital she said she wanted to stay at her mothers place for a few weeks... that isn't normal.

 

You should have been at home with your husband and your new baby learning to be a family. I totally see his point of view, and while I'm not saying he handled it well... you have to see his side of it. You don't take the baby away to learn how to be a mom...

 

Secondly it sounds like you spent so much time apart before getting married that you just brushed over the personality traits that you already knew he had and knew you didn't like. That is the problem with long distance relationships IMO. You need to start from scratch. If you want to fix things you need to restart, and look at it fresh.

 

Have you lived with someone before? People aren't perfect, it takes a lot of give and take in a relationship. You probably need to get some counseling... but you also need to change your expectations and realize that your actions can hurt your husband just as his can hurt you.

 

I take it you are a man.. you dont really know how a woman feels in such moment. whats more important is that I didnt just want to go home , I wanted him with me. him refusing it made me the angriest. if I didnt care aboit him, I d just leave and go home and I wouldnt bother what he would think or how he would feel. you should ask why he didnt want to come. according to him, I should have went to.our.place or his.parents place. its a silly tradition that I believe people who live in the 21st century should take it as a joke. what on earth would I be doing with his mum and dad while he is 150km away at work ? I d rather go at my parents, than his. but then of course his parents advices stick in his head. what kind of a man are you? shes always gonna do this to you. and so on and so on.. they made chaos from my only "wish" at the time. sorry, but I dont feel like I was neglecting him. on the contrary.

You may be right about the second part. LDR are the worst. That is exactly what happened.

[d0nnivain]

Can you at least take baby to a park? Perhaps there will be other mothers there you can interact with.

 

 

Would you open to starting a mom's group? just because it hasn't been done or isn't traditional doesn't mean it can't be done. Do any of his work colleagues have babies? Perhaps you can meet their wives & have them as friends.

 

 

If you have some outlets besides your child, you may become happier. Your husband needs to understand your need for support & help you find it especially while he is at work.

 

 

Him balking at you going home to your parents but being OK with shipping you off to his parents 150 km away would have made me atomic.

 

 

I'd at least try to get your mom & even your MIL to come to you sooner rather than later. At least you'd have adult companionship.

[GunslingerRoland]

I take it you are a man.. you dont really know how a woman feels in such moment. whats more important is that I didnt just want to go home , I wanted him with me. him refusing it made me the angriest.

 

 

No I don't, which is why I tried to explain how I would feel as a man in that case....

 

And see here is the underlying problem again IMO. "...I didn't just want to go home..." the fact that you even think in your mind of your parents house as "home". Your "home" is where you live with your husband and your baby.

 

Personally I don't think taking your baby home, in the 21st century is a joke. Taking them to visit the grandparents after your settled in is fine, but I think there is something extremely symbolic about the fact that, your first thought was to go to your parents house rather than your own house with your new baby.

 

I don't know you and I may be reading way too much into what you've said, but I get the real sense that you have foot out the door, prepared to go back to your parents at all times.

 

As for activities, I'd look around harder, there may be facebook groups for moms in your city. A lot of city governments have programs they run (at leisure centers). Local YMCA/YWCA groups.

[brokensoul88]

Can you at least take baby to a park? Perhaps there will be other mothers there you can interact with.

 

 

Would you open to starting a mom's group? just because it hasn't been done or isn't traditional doesn't mean it can't be done. Do any of his work colleagues have babies? Perhaps you can meet their wives & have them as friends.

 

 

If you have some outlets besides your child, you may become happier. Your husband needs to understand your need for support & help you find it especially while he is at work.

 

 

Him balking at you going home to your parents but being OK with shipping you off to his parents 150 km away would have made me atomic.

 

 

I'd at least try to get your mom & even your MIL to come to you sooner rather than later. At least you'd have adult companionship.

 

yes, I can go to the park..its across the street,..but I m still alone.. havent met anyone yet, I m new to the neighbourhood and its kinda hard..

unfortunetly, my.mum and his mom still work, and they cant come and stay with me. My MIL I wouldnt want her to come, we r not in good relations after she told me that the flat my husband bought for us to raise a family together, was hers and her sons only as if I was just a guest there. my husband had just left to the grocery store when she told me that. when he got back, I told him what happened, she was present too, but he said nothing to her. he could have at the least told her, that what she said was not right, but no, he said nothing. and I was suppose to stay here and put up with her and his crap?? sorry for my dictionary...so... nothing more to say after this, is there?

Edited September 14, 2015 by brokensoul88

[brokensoul88]

No I don't, which is why I tried to explain how I would feel as a man in that case....

 

And see here is the underlying problem again IMO. "...I didn't just want to go home..." the fact that you even think in your mind of your parents house as "home". Your "home" is where you live with your husband and your baby.

 

Personally I don't think taking your baby home, in the 21st century is a joke. Taking them to visit the grandparents after your settled in is fine, but I think there is something extremely symbolic about the fact that, your first thought was to go to your parents house rather than your own house with your new baby.

 

I don't know you and I may be reading way too much into what you've said, but I get the real sense that you have foot out the door, prepared to go back to your parents at all times.

 

As for activities, I'd look around harder, there may be facebook groups for moms in your city. A lot of city governments have programs they run (at leisure centers). Local YMCA/YWCA groups.

 

Its a brand new place that we bought and I havent even lived with him before.. its true I still considered home my previous "home".. and after all the quarrels in a period when I was the most fragile, I now feel it even less as a "home". I just want to get back home, cause I feel like I have.nobody here..not even the person I.used to love... nobody.

[truncated]

together for 7 years now, of which 3 together while in college , and 4 have been long distance, and also ever since we got married, which is this last 7th year we were long distance and saw each other only on weekends cause we work in different cities.. thats how it had to be, its really hard to find work here, especially like the one I have. we didnt get married cause I got pregnant. we got engaged months back before I stayed pregnant, so pregnancy was not the reason. it was love. but it all started a day after I gave birth. My labour was hard and all I wanted after it, was to go home at my mums, stay for a week or two until I recovered and learned how to take care of my baby. stuff that i only trusted my mum to teach me of course. but he was against it, as if it was something that would crash his world. he was supposed to take days off from work anyway, so he was supposed to come with me. but he refused to. his problems are other. he has a low self esteem problem. he thinks i dont respect him as a man. which is not true. I did. but not anymore. not after he started running at home to his parents complaning about things and about me instead of talking to me and trying to solve our problems. is that a man? i think thats a boyish behaviour. I ve not once complained to my parents the way he does, especially not about him. If I ever listened to my parents, I wouldnt have been where I am now

anyway, it got so complicated and eventually he was refusing to hug me or anything like that. saying he is angry and all and I begged him to come to his senses and to man up. which he wont cause he still listens to his parents about everything. then some times passed, and he started being the old him, but now I am not feeling what I felt for him before. Now, whenever he tries to hug me or kiss me, I cannot help to remember how he treated me and all the things he was telling me back then. and I have told him about it, he doesnt know what to say or do. He would just say "ok, dont kiss me, until when?" and I would say "idk" and he d say "ok". If I were a man that loves a woman, I d sit her down, talk to her gently, apologise and tell her I never wanted it to be like this. but unfortunetly I m not the man in this situation.

I m angry, because what was supposed to be the most beautiful period of my life, turned out to be the worst because of him and his parents.

 

first, stop blaming him for how you feel. that's not fair.

 

Second, he may well have been experiencing a sort of panic that some new dad's get. It can be a real shock to the system when all of a sudden, there is this new little life that is dependant on you. Some men can't handle that, and they cheat, some just need a bit of time to get used to their new role as a dad, and some can jump in feet first right away.

 

The reason he may have been talking to his parents is because he didn't want to burden you with his issues. I'll grant you that he didn't handle it in the best way, but what's done is done.

 

As for falling back in love with him, that depends on what you mean by love. Everyone has a different meaning to that term, and if you mean the "butterflies" kind , that may never come back. If you mean the kind that can last over the long haul, that takes time to build, and you can't force it. Give yourselves time to get used to being new parents together. get to know yourselves as a family and have some fun. It may sound trite, but the little things can add up to something much bigger that will stand the test of time.

 

Is there any way that the three of you could get away for a little while, just on your own so you can get used to being a family with no in laws around?

Edited September 15, 2015 by truncated

[d0nnivain]

Do you say hello to other moms when you see them in the park? If not try that tomorrow. You may have to be the one to make the 1st move.

 

If it was me, I'd put up a couple of flyers in the park & maybe at the grocery store, and at your pediatrician's office announcing a Mother's group on whatever day of the week & time works for you in the park.

 

I think when you feel less isolated, you will be calmer & better able to handle the fact that your husband seems to be struggling too. Tackle one problem at a time.

 

Do look into getting some marriage counseling. I think this can be fixed with a little understanding on both sides & a lot of TLC.

[sandylee1]

I understand what you mean about wanting to be with your mom after having the baby. My mom came to though and I don't know what I've have done without her. It wasn't post partum depression, but at times my husband just annoyed me and he was not hands on enough with the baby.