Things get worse before it get better, is this true?!

[Emma1a]

8 years together since HS, he left me once before (2.5 years ago) and back after a month. This time it's been 5 months post BU and 2 months NC. I was doing really well up until running into him three nights ago. Now I feel like i'm back to 5 months ago - I can't sleep, i feel nauseous again. I keep checking his what's app, twitter etc.

 

Is it true that it gets worse before it gets better?! Would it help if i get on with someone else? There are some guys who are interested.

 

I really would appreciate your input, thanks!

Edited September 14, 2015 by Emma1a

[Michelle ma Belle]

Often times that seems to be the case but certainly not something to be engraved in stone since every person's experience is their own.

 

At the same time YOU need to take some responsibility in how you're CHOOSING to deal with your uncomfortable feelings. Reverting back to old patterns like stalking his social media pages after a brief encounter is all on you and only makes things harder than they need to be.

 

As for getting on with someone else, I'd tread carefully. Sometimes getting lost under another person "helps" if only to distract us from what we're trying avoid but it is all too often very temporary. If that is the path you want to take, it might be best to be honest with these men about what you're going through right from the start so as not to set up any expectations.

 

Personally, I'd not get caught up with other men right now and spend this time getting back to where I was before this last encounter. You're not doing anyone any favors by jumping into any kind of relationship whilst trying to mend a broken heart. That could be a recipe for disaster.

 

Good luck.

[Emma1a]

Often times that seems to be the case but certainly not something to be engraved in stone since every person's experience is their own.

 

At the same time YOU need to take some responsibility in how you're CHOOSING to deal with your uncomfortable feelings. Reverting back to old patterns like stalking his social media pages after a brief encounter is all on you and only makes things harder than they need to be.

 

As for getting on with someone else, I'd tread carefully. Sometimes getting lost under another person "helps" if only to distract us from what we're trying avoid but it is all too often very temporary. If that is the path you want to take, it might be best to be honest with these men about what you're going through right from the start so as not to set up any expectations.

 

Personally, I'd not get caught up with other men right now and spend this time getting back to where I was before this last encounter. You're not doing anyone any favors by jumping into any kind of relationship whilst trying to mend a broken heart. That could be a recipe for disaster.

 

Good luck.

 

Thank you for your advice! Sometimes I feel like if i can just date someone that I like (and there is one), that i will be happy again.

[d0nnivain]

healing is not a linear process. Everyone grieves at their own pace.

 

Try to find something positive about each day even if it's something as simple as feeling the sun on your face.

[Emma1a]

healing is not a linear process. Everyone grieves at their own pace.

 

Try to find something positive about each day even if it's something as simple as feeling the sun on your face.

 

I try, I do! I'm doing lots and lots of volunteer work, going to all sorts of events. Met so many new friends that I wouldn't otherwise meet if it's not for the BU. I am truly happy when I'm around other people. It is just when I'm alone at night that I feel the hurt.

 

It really is not a linear process, I have so many ups and downs since the BU 5 months ago. I would always write down my feelings and save them somewhere on my computer. Some of them positive some negative.

 

I've also went out on many dates and I was generally enjoying getting to know everyone. Everyone i went out for a date with wants a second/third... dates. I have two guys in mind that I want to eventually go out with. But I am out of the dating scene for so long I don't know how it works exactly and I'm afraid of getting hurt again.

[pillowpuffs]

Sometimes it's true. In my case, after my ex cheated on me and dumped me, lots of bad things happened at home and it has just been a trying time for my family and myself these past few months. Not exagerrating. Still hoping for better days ahead!

 

Anyway, running into him must have been really scary! I think you posted about it somewhere and said you didn't speak to him and he just kept looking at you. I'm proud you just kept on doing what you were doing and it's really strong of you that you did that. I can imagine though that you're probably going through everything, especially that moment that you noticed him and he noticed you, over and over in your head. It's normal. I can imagine the setback as well, the not sleeping and feeling nauseous. Again, completely normal!

 

You are definitely not back to 5 months ago. You made 5 months through the break up. You did that! So you're going to get through this as well ok? Take a few days to freak out and absorb the shock.

 

I think it would definitely help you to talk about that moment that you ran into him properly. For example, do you have any regrets about what happened? Something you wish you'd done instead?

 

Also, please try to stop checking everything of his. I know how that is and I have honestly lost control myself sometimes when I check obsessively but you know what? It doesn't change anything and after a while, checking started to hurt so please stop checking if you can!!

 

All the best.

[Emma1a]

Sometimes it's true. In my case, after my ex cheated on me and dumped me, lots of bad things happened at home and it has just been a trying time for my family and myself these past few months. Not exagerrating. Still hoping for better days ahead!

 

Anyway, running into him must have been really scary! I think you posted about it somewhere and said you didn't speak to him and he just kept looking at you. I'm proud you just kept on doing what you were doing and it's really strong of you that you did that. I can imagine though that you're probably going through everything, especially that moment that you noticed him and he noticed you, over and over in your head. It's normal. I can imagine the setback as well, the not sleeping and feeling nauseous. Again, completely normal!

 

You are definitely not back to 5 months ago. You made 5 months through the break up. You did that! So you're going to get through this as well ok? Take a few days to freak out and absorb the shock.

 

I think it would definitely help you to talk about that moment that you ran into him properly. For example, do you have any regrets about what happened? Something you wish you'd done instead?

 

Also, please try to stop checking everything of his. I know how that is and I have honestly lost control myself sometimes when I check obsessively but you know what? It doesn't change anything and after a while, checking started to hurt so please stop checking if you can!!

 

All the best.

 

 

I was sitting on a patio by the street, he walked by on the street. When i noticed him he was already staring at me for awhile. I turned around instantly and i could see from the corner of my eyes that he was still looking. Yea, I wonder what he was thinking but that doesn't matter. What matters is that he has moved on and doesn't want to be with me. It came as a shock to me 5 months ago but after reading peoples story this now seems like pretty common situation. I read a post somewhere - all of these women their husbands leave them after 10+ years. I'm glad he at least left when i am still young and when we don't have kids yet so that i can have him completely out of my life.

 

Thing is, I know what I should think and do but i still need to convince my brain that this is over. Eight years gone in a snap...

 

Hope you are doing well too pillowpuffs!

[pillowpuffs]

Yes it's especially hard to let go when you've spent years of your life with someone. Especially formative years. Like you, I was with my ex for all of my adult life and so I don't know life without him. It's scary and I guess we want to be comfortable so we hold on in some ways? I don't know.

 

Anyway, yes, like you said - he's moved on and doesn't want to be with you. That sucks but repeating this truth to myself everyday has been good and necessary for me to let go and accept. In my case my ex cheated on me, as I said above, it took me a while to realise I don't deserve to be treated like that. I don't deserve a liar and a cheater and he HAS to go. One day I truly hope he doesn't haunt my thoughts and I won't hurt when I think of him.

 

Glad you're looking at it positively though, it would be much harder if he left you when you had kids and were married. Starting over then is really tough. It's still tough now, I won't take that away from you but recognising that it could be worse is good.

[Emma1a]

Yes it's especially hard to let go when you've spent years of your life with someone. Especially formative years. Like you, I was with my ex for all of my adult life and so I don't know life without him. It's scary and I guess we want to be comfortable so we hold on in some ways? I don't know.

 

Anyway, yes, like you said - he's moved on and doesn't want to be with you. That sucks but repeating this truth to myself everyday has been good and necessary for me to let go and accept. In my case my ex cheated on me, as I said above, it took me a while to realise I don't deserve to be treated like that. I don't deserve a liar and a cheater and he HAS to go. One day I truly hope he doesn't haunt my thoughts and I won't hurt when I think of him.

 

Glad you're looking at it positively though, it would be much harder if he left you when you had kids and were married. Starting over then is really tough. It's still tough now, I won't take that away from you but recognising that it could be worse is good.

 

That's exactly it! I don't know my life without him since he's all i know my entire adult life. I really thought we'd be together forever but guess nothing lasts forever sigh

[bluefeather]

please get better. I say that on behalf of you and others going through that feeling. I may have had an effect on someone like that once and it tore me up inside so much. we are all human. we are not perfect. don't give other people that kind of power over your life. whether or not a person is in your life cannot determine your happiness.

[Emma1a]

please get better. I say that on behalf of you and others going through that feeling. I may have had an effect on someone like that once and it tore me up inside so much. we are all human. we are not perfect. don't give other people that kind of power over your life. whether or not a person is in your life cannot determine your happiness.

 

Thank you bluefeather! Problem is that I know all about it, i know that i shouldn't give other people that kind of power over my life. But it is hard, it is a process and I will get over it eventually!

 

What's your situation? How long did it take you to feel indifference?

[bluefeather]

I do not feel indifference. Not for the one I left, nor the one who left me. I care, but I let go. Yes, it is a hard process, but you know it must be done. It's different for everyone as far as time and what to think and do.

 

My situation right now is going through the process of letting go of someone who left me.

[Emma1a]

I do not feel indifference. Not for the one I left, nor the one who left me. I care, but I let go. Yes, it is a hard process, but you know it must be done. It's different for everyone as far as time and what to think and do.

 

My situation right now is going through the process of letting go of someone who left me.

 

Ok, I see. Everybody is going through tough times! It is life, guess these things make us stronger.

 

I am only experiencing this for the very first time, it is too damn hard at the moment

[NVO]

Does it get worse? I don't know. What I do know from my own experience is that it sometimes seems like bad things hit you like a domino effect. First my ex dumped me, then I lost my job and had a hard time finding one and also my parents had their issues around the same time. It feels like you realy hit rock bottom, like you are a boxer who is cornered, getting hit time after time and so close to the KO-blow.

 

But when you hit bottom, you also bounce back. (That's what I really love about my quote in my signature). And one good thing will trigger other good things. I found a job now, met some awesome people and keep feeling better everyday.

 

And this will be the case for you too, believe me! It's not weird that you have a setback after seeing your ex. Hell, I need like three days to recover from any contact with my ex. Even if it's a simple text message I get all worked up. Take your time. Please stop stalking your ex on the social media, you know it's bad for you so you need to stop doing this right away. It's a bumpy ride, but you will reach the end of it and laugh about all the pain you endured because you are now one tough and badass person!

[Oregon_Dude]

Always darkest right before the dawn. And other stupid cliches.

[Emma1a]

Does it get worse? I don't know. What I do know from my own experience is that it sometimes seems like bad things hit you like a domino effect. First my ex dumped me, then I lost my job and had a hard time finding one and also my parents had their issues around the same time. It feels like you realy hit rock bottom, like you are a boxer who is cornered, getting hit time after time and so close to the KO-blow.

 

But when you hit bottom, you also bounce back. (That's what I really love about my quote in my signature). And one good thing will trigger other good things. I found a job now, met some awesome people and keep feeling better everyday.

 

And this will be the case for you too, believe me! It's not weird that you have a setback after seeing your ex. Hell, I need like three days to recover from any contact with my ex. Even if it's a simple text message I get all worked up. Take your time. Please stop stalking your ex on the social media, you know it's bad for you so you need to stop doing this right away. It's a bumpy ride, but you will reach the end of it and laugh about all the pain you endured because you are now one tough and badass person!

 

Yes, that's a great quote!!!

 

Texts from them or brief encounters are annoying - I was doing well knowing my self worth but I had three setbacks:

 

1. his breadcrumb messages (I ranted after receiving them, told him to not send me meaningless messages). That was 2 months post BU

 

2. I ran into him and her on the street, he was holding her hands (that's when i know he didn't leave me to "find" himself like he said but he left me for someone from his work). He never really used to hold my hands he said he didn't like it. He let go of her hands as soon as he saw me and walked ahead of her. This was 3 months post BU

 

3. Three nights ago, I was having dinner with friends at a patio on the street. He walked passed by me on the street. When i saw him, he was staring at me. i turned around instantly but could see from the corner of my eyes that he was still looking.

 

I never really cried after breaking up for 1.5 months. But after the above three incidents, i would cry and feel so sad and depressed all over again.

 

Sigh..... i hope i can feel better soon! We both live and work within 1km of each other, it's going to be hard to not run into him