Celibate.

[knockout33]

Hi, Im an adult woman who's been intimate before when I was in previous relationships, but I've been single for 4 years. Haven't been with anyone so haven't had sex, Im talking to this guy and Im pretty sure that were considered dating after about 3 months because I like to take my time when I meet someone and get to know them. But I'm also thinking to celibate even when Im in a relationship. I'm not religious, but I have a lot of reasons as to why Im thinking of doing it. Im not sure how he'll take it. Some people think whats the point of being in a relationship then. But I think being intimate in other ways are more important. Any thoughts ideas? By the way I'm Michele and just signed up here. Seems like a cool place to talk to people and feel relaxed.

[d0nnivain]

Welcome.

 

Sex is such a personal choice. If you want to be celibate even in a relationship that is certainly your option but I do think you need to discuss your views with this man. If doesn't care for your choice, it's always his choice to leave.

[Clarence_Boddicker]

Most guys are not going to be happy being in a relationship with an asexual partner. Is being celibate a long term plan?

[glycerine]

Hi, Im an adult woman who's been intimate before when I was in previous relationships, but I've been single for 4 years. Haven't been with anyone so haven't had sex, Im talking to this guy and Im pretty sure that were considered dating after about 3 months because I like to take my time when I meet someone and get to know them. But I'm also thinking to celibate even when Im in a relationship. I'm not religious, but I have a lot of reasons as to why Im thinking of doing it. Im not sure how he'll take it. Some people think whats the point of being in a relationship then. But I think being intimate in other ways are more important. Any thoughts ideas? By the way I'm Michele and just signed up here. Seems like a cool place to talk to people and feel relaxed.

 

Welcome!

I definitely think you'll be able to find people who'll be celibate with you (by definition that's what you're searching for).

I think you'll mostly find people that go celibate because of religious motives.

 

I once dated a girl for a while that was celibate due to religious motives, it didn't work out.

I had fun with her and liked to be around her because of her intelligence and sense of humor. The problem was that she took things too far with worrying I would try to escalate things, she worried faaar more than I did, I was actually ok with the change of pace.

 

I wasn't in any hurry but it ironically she was too focused on this.

 

In other words, put yourself on the man's position: A man has to take initiative, but you're constantly being stopped and then told continue chasing.

 

I believe that is good not to hurry things up, but it's also unnatural to freeze things up, just because.

 

I suppose you're open to one day, when it feels natural, resume your sex life.

 

We as men tend to be binary and if you tell a dude you're both going celibate, he'll probably go along; but don't expect him to take a hint to escalate things.

 

Just try to be upfront with your choice. Good luck!

[oldshirt]

 

 

. But I'm also thinking to celibate even when Im in a relationship. I'm not religious, but I have a lot of reasons as to why Im thinking of doing it.

.

 

would you mind sharing with us why you want to live a celibate lifestyle? It may or may not give us a little more insight on what to say about your situation.

[oldshirt]

 

 

Im not sure how he'll take it. Some people think whats the point of being in a relationship then. But I think being intimate in other ways are more important. Any thoughts ideas?

.

 

 

 

The only way you'll know how he'll take it is to be open and honest and tell him.

 

 

As sexuality is a key component to a relationship for many people, I do think you are obligated to tell him you are wanting a celibate lifestyle upfront. IMHO it would be deceptive and underhand to use euphemisms like "taking it slow" and "intimate in other ways" when what you really mean is = "I don't want to have sex with you...probably ever."

 

 

"taking it slow" to him might mean having a few dates and a few walks on the beach until you are comfortable enough and have established enough trust and rapport in a week or two to go to bed.

 

 

"...intimate in other ways" could mean blow jobs and hand jobs and 69ing to him for a week or too until you are ready to go to the next step.

 

 

This is no different than a guy should be upfront if he is a confirmed bachelor and has no intention of ever being exclusive and ever getting married or having a family.

 

 

Yes there is definitely a strong risk that upon hearing you are planning on shunning sexuality indefinitely as a lifestyle choice, that he may opt out of dating you or continuing to converse with you. But you never know and for all you know, he may be done with sexuality too. You never know until you put it out there.

 

 

I just urge you to put it out there ASAP so he is making an informed choice and is not being duped by cute little euphemisms and misdirections.

[newmoon]

i think it's a great choice and would do it as well. but try finding a guy who will agree to it, especially an adult partner. it's called a friend at that point.

[carhill]

Welcome to LS.

 

Excluding asexual men, very few I've known in life, and homosexual men, you'll likely meet with little success in a platonic relationship with a man unless his feelings are platonic also. In that case, he'd be a friend. Nothing wrong or unhealthy with friends.

 

I've been purposely celibate since my D about five years ago and no way would I consider such a relationship with a woman. Too much work! I've got friends, including women. Don't need any more.

 

However, if you're resolved to give this a go, then be transparent about it and whatever happens, happens. Each man is unique. Maybe it'll work out.

[knockout33]

Ok thanks guys, Well the reason Im thinking to do it is because whenever I have sex, the guy looses qualities that I have for him and want him to have. It's there in the beginning but after we go to bed they stop looking out for me, being kind and attentive and I feel those qualities are really important cause it's what I have to offer in a relationship. I don't know what I do wrong, and why it happends it just does. Then there's the risk of getting std's and HIV. Which Im terrified of getting. Especially knowing my friend has it. I just wish I could understand why guy's change though after I sleep with them. I also just started doing better with myself mentally and understanding my thoughts, feelings and wants. I know it's late for a woman to start learning this, but that's how it is with me.

[knockout33]

Someone also asked me for how long. I'm considering doing it till Im ready for a baby. So for a couple years maybe. I just hate the feeling of being used. My sister's the lucky one. She's married, but even before that she's been going with this guy and he had her back and would look after her constantly. I don't know what I do wrong for guys to look at me differently after. I just ya. I'm more respected when I don't do it is all. Atleast thats what I notice.

[oldshirt]

Could it be possible that guys change their tune towards you because you are inhibited and treat them like they are disease-ridden and would only consider sexuality when you want to procreate?

 

Could it be that they can pick up on your attitude that you only want them for their DNA so you can have a baby?

 

I don't have a fix for you but as a man, if I was with a woman and picked up the vibes that she thinks men are all users and full of diseases and your only interests in sexuality were for the mechanics of getting a baby out of the deal, I wouldn't exactly be all footrubs and devoted servitude either.

Edited September 16, 2015 by oldshirt

[knockout33]

No. That wasn't what I meant to imply. I just get used. Im usually the kind and loving type. And I would never just want to have sex for a baby. I didn't mean it like that.