I think it is time I just force myself to move on

[PegNosePete]

If you feel you had no choice then it is not a decision at all, it is just life and you have nothing to feel guilty about.

 

You are not responsible for other people's feelings.

[EO422]

I feel like she is placing me in the bad guy seat tho..ik it takes two..but I fee she is making me out to be the bad guy to everyone

[frigginlost]

I feel like she is placing me in the bad guy seat tho..ik it takes two..but I fee she is making me out to be the bad guy to everyone

 

She probably is. But that is how she is dealing with her emotions. People are smart enough to know the truth and those who don't figure it out in time.

 

Try not to dwell on the "bad guy" feeling. That will definitely chew you up...

[realmly]

I feel like she is placing me in the bad guy seat tho..ik it takes two..but I fee she is making me out to be the bad guy to everyone

 

 

 

I feel you! I made a similar post yesterday about feeling like everything was my fault. It's interesting how when you analyze someone else's situation, you think of things objectively. By reading what you wrote, I feel I can give you advice and this also helps me gain more insight on my own situation. (So I think it's great we read up on what others are going through, and offer help, as this can help our own situation as well!)

 

 

But you know what I've realized (since yesterday) - us feeling like it is our fault/feeling guilty has to do A LOT with how our ex-partners reacted, and made us feel. You feel like you're the bad guy, because SHE is making you feel that way, not necessarily because you feel that way about yourself. Say your ex was mature enough to talk things out and tell you, "hey, things aren't working out because we both made mistakes etc." and shared the responsibility of the downfall of the relationship, you'd probably feel completely different.

 

 

I think we just have to come to terms on our OWN, that we shouldn't be the ONLY ones feeling guilty/at fault. Surely, we might have made mistakes - but they played a part in it too.

 

 

I also agree that you didn't have much of a choice. What did she expect? For you to up with that behavior? No.

 

 

I think you made the right decision.

 

 

My ex also stope

[PegNosePete]

I feel like she is placing me in the bad guy seat tho..ik it takes two..but I fee she is making me out to be the bad guy to everyone

Who cares? You don't have to listen to her. If you're not NC then you should be.

 

Any mutual friends who believe that you're the bad guy, well, who needs friends like that?

[Holmes85]

EO422,

 

Let me offer you some advice on this matter, as well as how it was going to play out, since I've seen this scenario happen multiple times through other peoples relationship and my own.

 

I was together with my Ex-Girlfriend for 2 years, during the last couple of months in the relationship, I noticed that she was showing less and less interest in talking to me and was placing her friends and other activities a priority over me. With time, her communication with me started to drop as well. I of course noticed the whole thing and confronted her in a friendly way about it.

 

She said to me that she's not sure about the relationship, it feels like I'm just a friend to her, but then I do something which makes her feel like, no it's more. The reason she didn't tell me this before was because she wasn't sure what to do with those feelings, she said she wanted to take a "break".

 

I of course knew what this whole "break" meant and pre-emptively dumped her, she started to cry and did the whole drama basically. Even to her mother she said I was the one to breakup with her, when it was her idea to begin with to take a break. Long story short we got back together, but she didn't seem enthusiastic about the whole thing. It felt like she wanted to get out and she "almost" got out but then had to act good and within that process she had to be with me together again.

 

3 months pass by and they are all good, until I notice her being flakey again, communication dropped to the drop dead zone and friends are partying was going on high.

 

I of course in between asked her, does she still feel the same way as she did before, to which her miserable response was "nah". And a month later SHE broke up with me with the excuses like :

 

- It's not you its me

 

- You did nothing wrong, my feelings changed

 

- You are the perfect boyfriend, don't let anyone change you, I wish you find someone who loves you the same way

 

- Why don't you be friends with me, who knows my feelings might change in the future

 

---------3 weeks later------------

 

She's already going out with a new dude and the relationship was rapidly getting caught up to the same level as mine previously, of course I find all this through a third source .

 

I confronted her about it and these are the responses I get

 

- What was there to be "fixed", I wanted to leave the relationship

 

- I've no feelings for you (my name), you can't change that

 

- He's not the reason for what I did

 

- Of course I feel bad for what I did, but thats life

 

That's where I drew the line and wished her and her new relationship well and exited the picture completely.

 

I slowly removed her everywhere, as soon as I started to remove her, indirect breadcrumbs start to drop my way, since I was still good friends in the family and they liked me, she used them to communicate with me. I replied a little to nothing and made a rule not to inquire anything about her.

 

---Fast Forward A Year Later---

 

Guess who sends me an E-Mail wanting to "catch up"? Yup you guessed it, I upfront asked her that what does she wishes to achieve by getting in touch with me now, she said "nothing, not trying to achieve anything, kinda wanted to see how you are thats all". I didn't bother replying to her this time.

 

3 Weeks later she has another boyfriend.

 

Would I hear from her again? Logically thinking of course I would, once the honeymoon phase of the new relationship wears off or the relationship goes haywire. Am I waiting for her to come back to me? Nope, I've moved on, if she comes back GREAT, I'll decide how to deal with it then, if not, I'm perfectly okay with my life and I've many exciting things happening in my life right now.

 

The bottom line or should I say the moral of the story is this, she's making you look the bad guy, because she wants to save face (just like my ex-girlfriend), so she can sleep better at night knowing that YOU are the one who ended with her and not her with you (just like my Ex), even if you didn't end up with her, she would have ended it with you and found some other reason (just like my ex), you feel guilty because you pulled the trigger, but it was actually her idea to pull the trigger and not yours.

 

She knows what she's doing, she will feel guilty for it down the line and contact you again. Take it from my story above, it's not your fault, she already has her mind set on what she wanted to do. It's a good thing that you pre-emptively dumped her, now stick with your guns and don't take her back unless you see that she has changed in some way and let me be frank here, you are not going to see any change in her for almost a year or two, you never know when is someone going to see the "light", so don't stick around for her.

 

By the time you get out of this emotional, you would look back and feel indifferent towards her, you will see through every bull she told you and it would all make sense to you and you will come to the conclusion that you can do better than this, by the time she realises her mistake and her flings aren't working out, she would contact you, by then your train might have already left the station.

 

Stay strong and don't give in to her emotionally, she seems very selfish and immature and needs to taste her own medicine.

[EO422]

EO422,

 

Let me offer you some advice on this matter, as well as how it was going to play out, since I've seen this scenario happen multiple times through other peoples relationship and my own.

 

I was together with my Ex-Girlfriend for 2 years, during the last couple of months in the relationship, I noticed that she was showing less and less interest in talking to me and was placing her friends and other activities a priority over me. With time, her communication with me started to drop as well. I of course noticed the whole thing and confronted her in a friendly way about it.

 

She said to me that she's not sure about the relationship, it feels like I'm just a friend to her, but then I do something which makes her feel like, no it's more. The reason she didn't tell me this before was because she wasn't sure what to do with those feelings, she said she wanted to take a "break".

 

I of course knew what this whole "break" meant and pre-emptively dumped her, she started to cry and did the whole drama basically. Even to her mother she said I was the one to breakup with her, when it was her idea to begin with to take a break. Long story short we got back together, but she didn't seem enthusiastic about the whole thing. It felt like she wanted to get out and she "almost" got out but then had to act good and within that process she had to be with me together again.

 

3 months pass by and they are all good, until I notice her being flakey again, communication dropped to the drop dead zone and friends are partying was going on high.

 

I of course in between asked her, does she still feel the same way as she did before, to which her miserable response was "nah". And a month later SHE broke up with me with the excuses like :

 

- It's not you its me

 

- You did nothing wrong, my feelings changed

 

- You are the perfect boyfriend, don't let anyone change you, I wish you find someone who loves you the same way

 

- Why don't you be friends with me, who knows my feelings might change in the future

 

---------3 weeks later------------

 

She's already going out with a new dude and the relationship was rapidly getting caught up to the same level as mine previously, of course I find all this through a third source .

 

I confronted her about it and these are the responses I get

 

- What was there to be "fixed", I wanted to leave the relationship

 

- I've no feelings for you (my name), you can't change that

 

- He's not the reason for what I did

 

- Of course I feel bad for what I did, but thats life

 

That's where I drew the line and wished her and her new relationship well and exited the picture completely.

 

I slowly removed her everywhere, as soon as I started to remove her, indirect breadcrumbs start to drop my way, since I was still good friends in the family and they liked me, she used them to communicate with me. I replied a little to nothing and made a rule not to inquire anything about her.

 

---Fast Forward A Year Later---

 

Guess who sends me an E-Mail wanting to "catch up"? Yup you guessed it, I upfront asked her that what does she wishes to achieve by getting in touch with me now, she said "nothing, not trying to achieve anything, kinda wanted to see how you are thats all". I didn't bother replying to her this time.

 

3 Weeks later she has another boyfriend.

 

Would I hear from her again? Logically thinking of course I would, once the honeymoon phase of the new relationship wears off or the relationship goes haywire. Am I waiting for her to come back to me? Nope, I've moved on, if she comes back GREAT, I'll decide how to deal with it then, if not, I'm perfectly okay with my life and I've many exciting things happening in my life right now.

 

The bottom line or should I say the moral of the story is this, she's making you look the bad guy, because she wants to save face (just like my ex-girlfriend), so she can sleep better at night knowing that YOU are the one who ended with her and not her with you (just like my Ex), even if you didn't end up with her, she would have ended it with you and found some other reason (just like my ex), you feel guilty because you pulled the trigger, but it was actually her idea to pull the trigger and not yours.

 

She knows what she's doing, she will feel guilty for it down the line and contact you again. Take it from my story above, it's not your fault, she already has her mind set on what she wanted to do. It's a good thing that you pre-emptively dumped her, now stick with your guns and don't take her back unless you see that she has changed in some way and let me be frank here, you are not going to see any change in her for almost a year or two, you never know when is someone going to see the "light", so don't stick around for her.

 

By the time you get out of this emotional, you would look back and feel indifferent towards her, you will see through every bull she told you and it would all make sense to you and you will come to the conclusion that you can do better than this, by the time she realises her mistake and her flings aren't working out, she would contact you, by then your train might have already left the station.

 

Stay strong and don't give in to her emotionally, she seems very selfish and immature and needs to taste her own medicine.

 

She did/said the EXACT same things as your gf did. I cannot believe how identical it is..I am moving on..I have felt SO much better as far as getting over her these past 2 days....I just felt guilty like it was my fault because that's how she was making it seem..thanks for your story!! It's giving me a lot of insight and I see SO many similarities!!

[Blanco]

It's common to feel guilty or shoulder more blame than you normally would after a relationship ends. Some of it's valid and other stuff isn't. Any relationship that lasts more than a few weeks is ripe with instances where either person involved could have or should have done something differently. But it does no good to ruminate on that after the relationship ends. Sure, take the lessons that the relationship and BU provide, but don't continue to beat up yourself about it, especially when the other person isn't coming back regardless.

[Blanco]

Also, was I understanding this correctly that this was a LDR? If that's true and she's ghosting you, then how do you even know she's making you out to be the bad guy? Is this just something you're creating in your head?

 

Frankly, consider yourself fortunate that because of the physical distance and her vanishing from your life through other means such as text, you have a chance to genuinely carry on as though she doesn't exist.

[EO422]

Also, was I understanding this correctly that this was a LDR? If that's true and she's ghosting you, then how do you even know she's making you out to be the bad guy? Is this just something you're creating in your head?

 

Frankly, consider yourself fortunate that because of the physical distance and her vanishing from your life through other means such as text, you have a chance to genuinely carry on as though she doesn't exist.

 

 

 

We used to be in an LDR!!! And I know she is ghosting me 100%

[ChicagoSparty]

Go read the thread I started about how I made the wrong decision when on a break.

[mightycpa]

So many of you know my story, my ex went on a break, said she wanted to keep contact at least once daily....i did, but then (1) she started to not reply to me, would reply a few days later, only to never reply again after that. I was hurt and felt like i was being strung a long. I couldn't take the pain anymore, she just would get my hopes up and then never reply and it would come crashing down..at one point (2) i had enough of it and just broke up with her because i could tell where it was heading.

 

I feel guilty because I broke up with her...like i clearly didnt want to and i wanted the relationship...but (3) it seems like she is turning this all against me. Like she is ghosting me because she is mad i broke up with her....but she was the one who wanted to keep contact, she was the one who wanted too do the break, she was the one who stopped replying to my texts and calls and started ignoring me and started to distance herself and treat me badly, after she WANTED too say "I love you" still and keep in contact.

 

I feel like she is trying to make me the bad guy for breaking up with her...like I did wrong and I let her go. i cannot get this guilt out of my head, tht this is all my fault.

I don't get it. I've bolded the relevant text, and I've placed it in numerical sequence. Assuming that you've told the story in the order that things actually occurred, you say that she started ghosting you and THAT is what made you break up. As I read it, it wasn't like she was being your responsive BFF and texting you back and forth every minute, or hour, or day. She was already disappearing.

 

So, here's what really happened:

 

 

1. She started a gradual weaning process, pulling away slowly.
   
2. You noticed, and ripped the band-aid off.
   
3. She got what she was after, and is now acting accordingly.
   

She might be mad. She might be trying to blame you. But don't believe a word of that **** if she's saying it, and if you're the one who is making it up in your head because she's disappeared, then lose that narrative. The truth is you played right into her hand, you did what she wanted, but was too chicken to do herself.

 

 

Every day that goes by where she doesn't contact you is confirmation that she doesn't want you. Every day that she does contact you and tries to make you feel bad is confirmation that she doesn't want you. She doesn't want you anymore.

 

 

 

You can certainly feel bad about that, but don't feel like you're to blame. It is not your fault.

[bluefeather]

So many of you know my story, my ex went on a break...

 

When someone says they want a break, I just see it as them saying they want to break up. So if she initiated this "break," you should not feel guilty for ending it. You just finished what she could only half-ass do.

[EO422]

I can't believe she isn't contacting me! After the way she freaking broke up with me! Like are you kidding me?! After the way she left!! Sorry well I broke up with her but she pushed me too do it!!! And she was so harsh forwards me and my feelings!!! Like wth!!

 

I want her to text me so I can not reply..just so I have a little bit of revenge m!

[warshaw]

I can't believe she isn't contacting me! After the way she freaking broke up with me! Like are you kidding me?! After the way she left!! Sorry well I broke up with her but she pushed me too do it!!! And she was so harsh forwards me and my feelings!!! Like wth!!

 

I want her to text me so I can not reply..just so I have a little bit of revenge m!

 

Makes perfect sense to me based on how you described how it all went down.

 

Maybe read CPAs post again.

 

It's clear she was done, you just put the finishing touch on it.

 

Apparently you were just going through the motions of breaking up, maybe thinking it would somehow shock her into coming back to you, but in fact it was exactly what she wanted.

 

Forget about revenge. Her feelings changed, she didn't want to be with you anymore. She did nothing immoral, unethical or intentionally hurtful.

 

Most relationships fail, most relationships do not end well most people are not in the same place about ending relationships, one will always be hurt more than the other.

 

Understand this, accept it, and move on with your life.

[dumbass2]

The best revenge is moving on and finding someone else you can be happy with and stop letting her control your life.

[Blanco]

Makes perfect sense to me based on how you described how it all went down.

 

Maybe read CPAs post again.

 

It's clear she was done, you just put the finishing touch on it.

 

Apparently you were just going through the motions of breaking up, maybe thinking it would somehow shock her into coming back to you, but in fact it was exactly what she wanted.

 

Forget about revenge. Her feelings changed, she didn't want to be with you anymore. She did nothing immoral, unethical or intentionally hurtful.

 

Most relationships fail, most relationships do not end well most people are not in the same place about ending relationships, one will always be hurt more than the other.

 

Understand this, accept it, and move on with your life.

 

This is right on. I was in the same position, and finally pulled the plug, but I secretly hoped that maybe it would be a wake-up call. It wasn't. I don't know how long she would've let it go on, but it definitely felt over the final months that she was playing out the string rather than investing much in the relationship.

 

The lesson I learned: Don't use breaking up as some sort of bargaining chip. If you play that card, be fully prepared for the other person to call your bluff. In other words, you say you want to break up, you'd better be prepared to actually break up. I've found that even if you do temporarily split, getting back together isn't the same, because there will always be some degree of distrust that the bond will be broken once again.

[EO422]

I am still bitter towards my ex...just need to get this out. I can't believe what she did. All I can imagine right now is her being happy right now..probably talking to a new guy..being held in his arms..when it was supposed to be me. I want to hear from her so bad...my days are getting better and I am getting stronger..but at night and in the mornings I get waves of sadness and get upset

[Blanco]

I know it's not easy, but you have to strive to not view yourself as a victim here. Lot easier said than done, but trust me when I say that the more you view the situation through the lens that says, "Poor me, I deserve better, she/he hurt me and it's not fair," the harder it will be to get past this. You'll end up stewing in your own bitterness and ultimately punish no one but yourself.

[Truth34]

Mornings waking up to a fully charged phone and no txts, and nights laying in bed wishing you WOULD get a txt. The worst man. I use music as my mood shifter, although for the early stages I played music that was more depressing just to help me get all my thoughts out.

 

It's getting better. Slowly.

[EO422]

Thanks to both of you...I'm trying my best to move on. I really am. Places that remind me of her are becoming numb, the memories aren't rolling in as much. It is really sad and upsetting that my memories are fading. But I guess it's just part of the grieving process. Do not get me wrong. I am glad Ian getting better. But it's sad and upsetting this is happening. Thought we would have been forever.

[EO422]

I'm just really mad. I am jealous I guess..because I know she is a super hot and beautiful girl and always gets hit on..and now that she is single..she probably has every guy hitting on her. I'm so jealous..

But good for her I guess. I am just so mad and upset...like she breaks up with me, and then gets all this attention elsewhere. While I'm sitting here grieving having a tough time getting a girl, well I'm not looking for one but still. I sitting here hurt and she is out having a blast. (Not that I'm unattractive.but I'm not the type of guy who can just go up to girls and hit it off. I gradually work to stuff)...so for her it's easy...every guy hits in her. Getting over me..her decision is again reaffirmed.

 

I was never jealous in the relationship. I trusted her and knew she was with me. She is trustworthy enough for that. I know her, and she was faithful. Not a doubt in my mind 300%....but, now that she is single. Just so jealous. She can get any guy she freaking wants. At least I can say I had it at one point B)

Edited September 17, 2015 by EO422

[bluefeather]

I will tell you some of my thoughts about karma...

 

All actions come back around. When she hurt you, she set in motion actions that will hurt her later on. This is a law that I follow. To go by this means that there is no need to condemn someone for joyfully tying a noose, unbeknownst that it is their own. It may take months. It may take several years, but the hurt we bring on to others has a way of coming back.

 

I know this from experience too, and that is why I now try to let go of those who hurt me with as little condemnation as possible. What they did to me, they are doing to themselves too, just somewhere else on the timeline. Figuratively, if someone kicks me, I don't have to kick them back. Their action alone of kicking someone is going to get them kicked eventually. So instead of saying, "Damn you for kicking me!" I can now ask, "Why do you wish to kick yourself? Why do you set upon yourself the experience of being kicked?"

 

If I became angry and spiteful, and kicked them back, I would set up that karma for myself. So what do I do? I forgive them for kicking me, and set better karma for myself - that of forgiveness, somewhere else on the timeline =)

[Truth34]

I know man, im goin through the numbing of memories too. Its a good thing for our mood, but it makes me sad that the moments that we both never wanted to forget are nothing more than reminders of the past. And the current situation is not even a shell of it. I do know that I'll never forget her face when she smiled. Her eyes smiled, and she had this permanent grin on her face. We'd chat on the phone at night and her face would hurt because she would be smiling so much.

 

I guess im happy that it happened. But I have an addictive personality, so not being able to have it anymore is tough. And not only am I missing the flirty txts and the romance, but I lost a friend in the process also.. but we'll get through it brother.

Edited September 17, 2015 by Truth34

[drseuss]

i wonder if karma is just a blissfull / spiritual way of looking at probabilty , if your nice to someone its very likely that someting nice will happen to you in the future and if you do someting horrible to someone it is alot pretty likley that something horrible will happen to you in the future , i think people like to just put it down " karma " when really its just events happening that were likley to hahpen good or bad