Acceptance

[movingon123]

A number of us have been talking about getting to acceptance lately. For those that have reached it, do you feel you did anything specific to get there or did it just happen gradually? How long did it take?

 

A website I recently found mentioned dealing with your triggers. Instead of ignoring the triggers, habitualize yourself to them until they no longer remind you of mm. I found this very interesting as I have triggers. However, he will pop into my mind for no reason at all which drives me nutty. How do I stop that?

 

Another thing I read was not allowing yourself to be lonely. That's a tough one for me. I've got a full life, but I still have time where I can choose to either sit and wallow in sadness or do something productive and often times I will wallow.

 

I would love to read people's strategies for getting to that end stage.

 

Hopefully we will all have better days soon!

[hardlesson]

Hi movingon

 

I hope you are OK.

 

I don't think you can stop thoughts of him popping into your mind. And, if you try to, you may find that the thoughts about him will even intensify. However...you might not be able to control these thoughts but you can control how you react to them. And then make a conscious decision to distract yourself with something else. Distraction was a big one for me...even though I didn't want to, I forced myself to do something else. And I always chose something really challenging that required my full attention. Also....and I am sure this is the last thing on your mind, I went out on some dates. Well....forced out by friends actually. 7 out of 8 dates weren't for me but as soon as I met current partner, I didn't give MM another thought. I know that's probably far from your mind but hope it will show you that life goes on.

 

Like you say...you can either sit there and wallow or you can do something else....x but if sitting there and wallowing isn't helping you much so far, perhaps a different approach is needed.

 

I think acceptance takes A LOT of pressure off. Acceptance to me was saying to myself, 'I was treated so badly. I didn't manage it well. He screwed me over. He used me. **** happens' - that put an end to the constant questions around why, why, why? Torturing myself with those questions was exhausting. Oh.....and forgiveness (forgiveness around taking the pressure off you, not excusing his behaviour). I struggle with forgiveness, I must say. Can't quite get my head around that one. I still feel hatred towards MM so I've obviously got some more work to do.

 

It really does get better. Promise x

[movingon123]

Hi movingon

 

I hope you are OK.

 

I don't think you can stop thoughts of him popping into your mind. And, if you try to, you may find that the thoughts about him will even intensify. However...you might not be able to control these thoughts but you can control how you react to them. And then make a conscious decision to distract yourself with something else. Distraction was a big one for me...even though I didn't want to, I forced myself to do something else. And I always chose something really challenging that required my full attention. Also....and I am sure this is the last thing on your mind, I went out on some dates. Well....forced out by friends actually. 7 out of 8 dates weren't for me but as soon as I met current partner, I didn't give MM another thought. I know that's probably far from your mind but hope it will show you that life goes on.

 

Like you say...you can either sit there and wallow or you can do something else....x but if sitting there and wallowing isn't helping you much so far, perhaps a different approach is needed.

 

I think acceptance takes A LOT of pressure off. Acceptance to me was saying to myself, 'I was treated so badly. I didn't manage it well. He screwed me over. He used me. **** happens' - that put an end to the constant questions around why, why, why? Torturing myself with those questions was exhausting. Oh.....and forgiveness (forgiveness around taking the pressure off you, not excusing his behaviour). I struggle with forgiveness, I must say. Can't quite get my head around that one. I still feel hatred towards MM so I've obviously got some more work to do.

 

It really does get better. Promise x

 

Thank you very much for your response. It is quite helpful reading what you've gone through and what helped you. I am doing ok. I manage to keep up where I need to, although sometimes just barely. I've been through a lot in the past year and half and am impressed with myself with what I actually have accomplished. I'm pissed I wasted so much time with mm when I really had very little, but I enjoyed it also and it was helpful to me in certain ways. I'm sorry for his BS. I thought their relationship barely mattered to her and it was more that they needed to stay together for certain reasons and after so long it was just easier to do so. Although, not having had proper closure, I don't really know what happened (or is happening) between the two of them either and I understand I don't really deserve to know.

 

I will try to distract myself, although, you are right, I often don't really want to. Wallowing can feel so good in a way sometimes! I know I should probably start trying to date. I hate the thought of online dating, but at this point I think it's the only way I'll meet someone. I may have a friend help me write a profile at some point.

 

Sometimes I'm angry, but mostly not just because I don't want to look at all that time I spent with him in a negative way. Yes, he hurt me a lot at the end and didn't need to. I think I have a yearn to see him again not to start something (no way!) but just to understand who he really is. Was the end a better indication of him or the time I spent with him? I know that I really didn't know him - not like his w does. I wanted to, I really did, and maybe if I did I would have run away in the beginning. Ok, I'm torturing myself - time to distract with something else!

 

Thanks again for your post and I'm so sorry you went through this but glad you have met a good person.

[NewLeaf512]

Thank you very much for your response. It is quite helpful reading what you've gone through and what helped you. I am doing ok. I manage to keep up where I need to, although sometimes just barely. I've been through a lot in the past year and half and am impressed with myself with what I actually have accomplished. I'm pissed I wasted so much time with mm when I really had very little, but I enjoyed it also and it was helpful to me in certain ways. I'm sorry for his BS. I thought their relationship barely mattered to her and it was more that they needed to stay together for certain reasons and after so long it was just easier to do so. Although, not having had proper closure, I don't really know what happened (or is happening) between the two of them either and I understand I don't really deserve to know.

 

I will try to distract myself, although, you are right, I often don't really want to. Wallowing can feel so good in a way sometimes! I know I should probably start trying to date. I hate the thought of online dating, but at this point I think it's the only way I'll meet someone. I may have a friend help me write a profile at some point.

 

Sometimes I'm angry, but mostly not just because I don't want to look at all that time I spent with him in a negative way. Yes, he hurt me a lot at the end and didn't need to. I think I have a yearn to see him again not to start something (no way!) but just to understand who he really is. Was the end a better indication of him or the time I spent with him? I know that I really didn't know him - not like his w does. I wanted to, I really did, and maybe if I did I would have run away in the beginning. Ok, I'm torturing myself - time to distract with something else!

 

Thanks again for your post and I'm so sorry you went through this but glad you have met a good person.

 

I'm in a basically agoraphobic pissed off state with my only acceptance being NC. Obviously ego plays a part here because I wasn't "chosen" which makes you look at yourself and scrutinise everything that didn't measure up. My rational mind is taking over more and more and when I am not in "Pity Party, table for 1" mode I know a few things.

 

There are lots of ways on the surface that I seem superior to her and that strokes my ego.

( petty example: I am considered very pretty by many people and wear a UK size 4 and look about 10 years younger than I am partially thanks to Botox)

 

But we all know nice to look at is a lucky hand dealt to you in the gene pool lottery.

 

I'm actually a nice person and on many levels I believe BS is too.

 

I also know ExMM thinks about me because he's gone round the houses to get information about me.

 

One thing I used to tell ExMM all the time was living a false existence isn't fair to anyone, so get off the stage and be truthful. No matter, me or BS, you have to love and respect yourself so you can do it for others. BS is laying there every night next to you thinking she has the best husband in the world. You lay there wishing you were anywhere else, I'm in bed alone when I could maybe find someone to love me. You are the puppet master. Everyone in this situation deserves someone who really loves them at their side, not a faker. So cut me loose, BS loose, or both. What makes you believe it's ok to do this. Even you have no idea who you are. Answer "i don't know "

 

Years of saying that, years of I don't know.

 

It was the fact that we were friends for years before the A. I wish he'd left me alone. I wish I had eternal sunshine of the spotless mind. I want it all erased

[m4p]

To best describe my own "acceptance" would be to imagine running headfirst into an imaginary wall over and over again for the past 6 months... until gradually the monkey (me) knows that there is no bananas on the other side of the wall. lol.

 

In all seriousness, time is your best bet. And I agree that avoiding triggers doesn't help that much because for example, one of my worst trigger is music and I went all way out to not listen to songs that we listen together. Then out of the blue the radio plays a song and WHAM- I'm momentarily crippled.

 

It took me months actually.. to stop panicking when I think of him. You can't avoid thoughts that pops into your head, but you can condition yourself to not dwell on it and just let it be.

 

I was doing well for months. Until yesterday, the weather was horrible, raining all day and downcast and I was driving down a road we used pass by all the time, and suddenly I cried so hard for the first time in months. Oh well.

 

NC was the best advice I have ever taken. When you remove yourself from all forms of communication with xAP, they too will slowly cease to exist in your daily life.

 

Take this time to spend more time with your loved ones as you'll realise that they are the ones who will stay in your life no matter what happens.

 

Big hug to you!

[m4p]

I'm in a basically agoraphobic pissed off state with my only acceptance being NC. Obviously ego plays a part here because I wasn't "chosen" which makes you look at yourself and scrutinise everything that didn't measure up. My rational mind is taking over more and more and when I am not in "Pity Party, table for 1" mode I know a few things.

 

There are lots of ways on the surface that I seem superior to her and that strokes my ego.

( petty example: I am considered very pretty by many people and wear a UK size 4 and look about 10 years younger than I am partially thanks to Botox)

 

But we all know nice to look at is a lucky hand dealt to you in the gene pool lottery.

 

I'm actually a nice person and on many levels I believe BS is too.

 

I also know ExMM thinks about me because he's gone round the houses to get information about me.

 

One thing I used to tell ExMM all the time was living a false existence isn't fair to anyone, so get off the stage and be truthful. No matter, me or BS, you have to love and respect yourself so you can do it for others. BS is laying there every night next to you thinking she has the best husband in the world. You lay there wishing you were anywhere else, I'm in bed alone when I could maybe find someone to love me. You are the puppet master. Everyone in this situation deserves someone who really loves them at their side, not a faker. So cut me loose, BS loose, or both. What makes you believe it's ok to do this. Even you have no idea who you are. Answer "i don't know "

 

Years of saying that, years of I don't know.

 

It was the fact that we were friends for years before the A. I wish he'd left me alone. I wish I had eternal sunshine of the spotless mind. I want it all erased

 

Newleaf,

 

I was just having a movie marathon by myself at home over the weekend and eternal sunshine of the spotless mind was one of it... I also thought the same! I wished I can erase it all.. and forget the good, the bad, the pain.. the delicate nuances of this relationship. despite all the hurt, I still cannot forget everything. Can you please invent this machine for us?

 

I hope you're doing better these days!

[movingon123]

To best describe my own "acceptance" would be to imagine running headfirst into an imaginary wall over and over again for the past 6 months... until gradually the monkey (me) knows that there is no bananas on the other side of the wall. lol.

 

In all seriousness, time is your best bet. And I agree that avoiding triggers doesn't help that much because for example, one of my worst trigger is music and I went all way out to not listen to songs that we listen together. Then out of the blue the radio plays a song and WHAM- I'm momentarily crippled.

 

It took me months actually.. to stop panicking when I think of him. You can't avoid thoughts that pops into your head, but you can condition yourself to not dwell on it and just let it be.

 

I was doing well for months. Until yesterday, the weather was horrible, raining all day and downcast and I was driving down a road we used pass by all the time, and suddenly I cried so hard for the first time in months. Oh well.

 

NC was the best advice I have ever taken. When you remove yourself from all forms of communication with xAP, they too will slowly cease to exist in your daily life.

 

Take this time to spend more time with your loved ones as you'll realise that they are the ones who will stay in your life no matter what happens.

 

Big hug to you!

 

I definitely understand the monkey analogy. I read somewhere that even if 1% of you thinks you might have contact at some point you can't fully get over it. I would agree with that.

 

In my imagination over and over it's not at all about starting up an A with him again it's just getting my questions answered. I still wonder from time to time whether he really had a d-day. Whether it wasn't just his way of getting out of the R with me, even though there was no sign of that coming. So I'd love to ask him about that. And whether he decided to really try to find love again for his wife (or did he always have it and lied to me about that?) or was this about fear of the consequences of divorce? And did he really mean it when he said he regretted letting things go beyond friendship or was that for his w (she read his last email)? And why could he not say anything kind to me like that he would miss me? He hurt his w terribly, but why did he have to do the same to me after d-day? He could have easily ended the R with me much more kindly and it makes no sense to me why he didn't other than he is a conflict avoidant *********.

 

Ok, so I guess I'm not at acceptance yet. Argh. I'm getting there, really. I have days and moments where I just think he doesn't matter anymore and I'm happy I have my own life to build on and do with what I want. The more I focus on that the better off I am.

 

Thanks for your post - I really appreciate hearing about your road to acceptance as it is very helpful.

[NewLeaf512]

Newleaf,

 

I was just having a movie marathon by myself at home over the weekend and eternal sunshine of the spotless mind was one of it... I also thought the same! I wished I can erase it all.. and forget the good, the bad, the pain.. the delicate nuances of this relationship. despite all the hurt, I still cannot forget everything. Can you please invent this machine for us?

 

I hope you're doing better these days!

 

Hi Shining

 

I wish I had a mind erasing machine or better yet a time machine to go back and never get involved in the first place. The good news is that it's all behind us now and although there was pain there is also new wisdom so let's focus on that.

 

(Hug)