a poem

[poetry]

Would you like to know that it is in your beauty that I lie, in your aliveness that my envy lies, that in your youth fullness lies my old age?

 

It is my own beauty, my own uniqueness, my aliveness that I hide from by disowning yours. I hide from my own beauty and discounting yours, I deny my freedom by mocking your individuality.

 

Your fearlessness that is not me I run from, from shame that I cannot expose my own. The likelihood that I should uncover these traits in myself and be seem in them by someone else is too fearful to acknowledge.

 

So from these beautiful traits I lie, hating you, envying you, fearing you, and all that you are that I cannot be. That I hide from in me, that I fear in me, that I fear others will disown in me as well.

 

To bring these traits out from the darkness, to see in these, in the light, to feel this freedom of what was, is that what I fear?

 

To be seen as a whole, to see the sensuality, the sexiness, the freedom, the laughter, the fun, the vulnerabilty in me that I loathe in you would be like seeing darkness with a light in the back ground.

 

To be free of all barriers that carry away with them the freedom, the joys, the tainted lies that release me. To be unseen as seen is the opposite of having the freedom to lose the wall, to be free from the barriers.

 

I ramble on trying to make sense of myself, my feelings, my wonder, my hurt, my amazement at what could have been, of what I deny, what I fear, what I hold away from me as ugly and tasteless, I hold so dear to me to of lost.

 

author yet unknown