littlepieces Posted September 14, 2015 Share Posted September 14, 2015 i have been married for 7 years. throughout our marriage, my husband has constantly had inappropriate contact with other women. i have looked at his phone, hacked into his email, checked his facebook, etc to confirm this. i know that it was wrong of me to do these things, and to do them again and again. i have admitted to him that i have done this and have confronted him about what i found several times over the years. every time i do he insists nothing ever happened and then and turns the conversation around on me and how i have to stop looking at his private messages, how i am jumping to conclusions, how nothing ever actually happened, it was just talking, etc. (his excuses and the way he has turned things around on me is actually laughable the more i think about it) the conversations we have usually end up with him promising to stop. i have suggested counseling, which he has agreed to, but then will always find an excuse not to go. right now this is what is going on: for a couple of months, he has been messaging with a woman he is "friends" with, engaging is very explicit conversation about what they want to do to each other. i know they have seen each other several times, though i don't know what actually happened. she constantly makes comments about how she is "ready for him" and "can't wait so finally have him". i do know that he has given her money and has also offered to buy things for her apartment. she sends him naked pictures of herself, which he encourages her to do. i know that if i confront him, he will say nothing ever happened, and she is pursuing him, that's she's crazy, and/or he's just trying to help her/be nice. this has been going on with several different women for years. the first time i confronted him we hadn't even be married for a year, and i found the incriminating evidence by accident (he let me use his laptop and had naked pictures of other women on it). I am at a point where i don't even want to try anymore, i'm just over it. i feel like i have let him get away with this too many times, and it will never stop unless i actually do something about it - something being, leave him. but it is overreacting to leave him over facebook messages and texts, when i don't know that anything every actually happened? i feel like i am going crazy. has anyone gone through something similar? thoughts? Link to post Share on other sites
purplesorrow Posted September 14, 2015 Share Posted September 14, 2015 i have been married for 7 years. throughout our marriage, my husband has constantly had inappropriate contact with other women. i have looked at his phone, hacked into his email, checked his facebook, etc to confirm this. i know that it was wrong of me to do these things, and to do them again and again. i have admitted to him that i have done this and have confronted him about what i found several times over the years. every time i do he insists nothing ever happened and then and turns the conversation around on me and how i have to stop looking at his private messages, how i am jumping to conclusions, how nothing ever actually happened, it was just talking, etc. (his excuses and the way he has turned things around on me is actually laughable the more i think about it) the conversations we have usually end up with him promising to stop. i have suggested counseling, which he has agreed to, but then will always find an excuse not to go. right now this is what is going on: for a couple of months, he has been messaging with a woman he is "friends" with, engaging is very explicit conversation about what they want to do to each other. i know they have seen each other several times, though i don't know what actually happened. she constantly makes comments about how she is "ready for him" and "can't wait so finally have him". i do know that he has given her money and has also offered to buy things for her apartment. she sends him naked pictures of herself, which he encourages her to do. i know that if i confront him, he will say nothing ever happened, and she is pursuing him, that's she's crazy, and/or he's just trying to help her/be nice. this has been going on with several different women for years. the first time i confronted him we hadn't even be married for a year, and i found the incriminating evidence by accident (he let me use his laptop and had naked pictures of other women on it). I am at a point where i don't even want to try anymore, i'm just over it. i feel like i have let him get away with this too many times, and it will never stop unless i actually do something about it - something being, leave him. but it is overreacting to leave him over facebook messages and texts, when i don't know that anything every actually happened? i feel like i am going crazy. has anyone gone through something similar? thoughts? Something has happened! The inappropriate conversations and pictures are cheating. Would he be ok with you doing this with other men. His actions are beyond disrespectful to you and your marriage. He is continuing to do something he knows bothers you. You have reason to be upset and to act. What do you want to do? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author littlepieces Posted September 14, 2015 Author Share Posted September 14, 2015 What I would like to do is tell him I know he is still doing it, that it's not like, and that I am going to leave. But: 1. I am scared, 2. I feel like I might be overreacting and should try to get him to go to counseling to see if we can work on things. However... in the past, I have confronted him and told him that we need to get counseling. The first few times he made excuses about being too busy for it. The last time I confronted him (about a year ago), he said he would go to counseling - but when I tried to make an appointment, he always had an excuse. He'd just start acting normal, and eventually I'd let it go. I don't want to let him get away with this anymore, but I feel like maybe this is not enough to actually leave our home and stay somewhere else. I'm not what else to do a this point. If he agreed to go to counseling, fine, but he's made so many excuses and false promises before, it's hard to want to even give him a chance. Link to post Share on other sites
malvern99 Posted September 14, 2015 Share Posted September 14, 2015 I am sorry you are in this situation LP. Texting inappropriately is absolutely cheating. What is worse in your situation is that your H refuses to acknowledge his infidelity and continues to gaslight and minimize. Both very bad signs because they show a complete lack of respect for you. i feel like i have let him get away with this too many times, and it will never stop unless i actually do something about it You hit the nail on the head right here. Until there are consequences for your your H's behavior, then he has no incentive to change course. I am not telling you to leave him, but I will say that as counter intuitive as seems, sometimes in order to save a marriage, you have to be willing to lose it. What do you want to do? Do you want to work on repairing the marriage or are you just done, or are you unsure? The answers to these questions will help people help you get to your final destination. Stay strong. Link to post Share on other sites
Author littlepieces Posted September 14, 2015 Author Share Posted September 14, 2015 I am unsure what I want to do. I fee like I SHOULD want to work on repairing the marriage, but I'm not sure that's possible. I am willing to try. But I'm not sure he would be willing to really try because I think he believes I will always let it go. I should also mention that while we get along, we are not affectionate with each other, have led increasingly separate lives over the last couple of years, and don't have sex. In other words, our marriage has other issues - issues that I have also tried to address without much response from him. Part of me wants to separate from him, but as I said in my previous post, I am scared and I feel guilty - like this isn't enough to warrant taking such a drastic action. Link to post Share on other sites
purplesorrow Posted September 14, 2015 Share Posted September 14, 2015 If you told him this bothers you, he needs to stop. Why are you afraid to take action? What if he has been physical with some of these women? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
purplesorrow Posted September 14, 2015 Share Posted September 14, 2015 I am unsure what I want to do. I fee like I SHOULD want to work on repairing the marriage, but I'm not sure that's possible. I am willing to try. But I'm not sure he would be willing to really try because I think he believes I will always let it go. I should also mention that while we get along, we are not affectionate with each other, have led increasingly separate lives over the last couple of years, and don't have sex. In other words, our marriage has other issues - issues that I have also tried to address without much response from him. Part of me wants to separate from him, but as I said in my previous post, I am scared and I feel guilty - like this isn't enough to warrant taking such a drastic action. You have a partner who continues to do something that bothers you. He lies about it and hides it. He won't work on a very broken relationship. What exactly are you feeling guilty about? Link to post Share on other sites
qubist Posted September 14, 2015 Share Posted September 14, 2015 He is cheating even if he hadn't slept with other woman which you don't know for sure. You have to do something about it before it's too late. MC is not a good idea in this case he needs an IC, Just confront him and give him a choice either stop the chatting with that woman and go to IC or leave him alone and move on 2 Link to post Share on other sites
SSJROMANCE Posted September 14, 2015 Share Posted September 14, 2015 Something doesn't pass the smell test here. The mere fact that you have evidence that she is doing all this and you are waiting for "something" to happen well that "something" is happening right in front of your face. I don't know what kind of relationship you have with him - most spouses when confronted with this information would be calling their attorney by now but in your case you are still waiting for "something" to happen. If cheating is defined in your book as physical contact then I guess you will have to catch him in the act. Otherwise he IS cheating and has no respect for you whatsoever. BUT this whole story just doesn't pass my smell test - sorry... Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted September 14, 2015 Share Posted September 14, 2015 for a couple of months, he has been messaging with a woman he is "friends" with, engaging is very explicit conversation about what they want to do to each other. Yes....this is cheating. And as far as the smell test goes....don't know if you have every heard the term gaslighting, but WS - particularly - WH are very good at making a woman/wife feel she is crazy. I hafta wonder, would we be accusing an OP right out of the gate if it was a man (methinks no) OP, your husband has been unfaithful, period, whether he has ever touched any of these women or not, though I would be willing to bet he has. You are not crazy. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Clarence_Boddicker Posted September 14, 2015 Share Posted September 14, 2015 You're not in a marriage anymore. File the paperwork to make the separation & dissolution official. Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredLady Posted September 14, 2015 Share Posted September 14, 2015 It doesn't sound like you have children. What your H is doing IS cheating & I'm so very sorry. It must of been completely devastating to discover this so soon after your wedding. NOW HE CAN'T STOP! Bollocks!! He's cheating, betraying, disrespecting & FUNDAMENTALLY CHANGING THE PERSON YOU ARE!! That's what it does! It festers. It breaks you down. In the end you don't recognize yourself. He minimalizes it & makes you feel petty & overreacting. Did you imagine this future when you were saying your wedding vows? Is this the loving & cherishing you wanted? I'm so sorry. I know how hard it is. My H's 'mistress' was in florida (we live in Texas) so I know it wasn't physical in any traditional sense. His character changed! He became very distant & mean. Everything was my fault. Please get your self respect back. It's not about divorcing over Facebook it's about the cruelty. You're being emotionally abused & broken down. He KNOWS he can do this to You!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredLady Posted September 14, 2015 Share Posted September 14, 2015 Sorry. So sorry! You hit a nerve. Hugs. Link to post Share on other sites
RightThere Posted September 14, 2015 Share Posted September 14, 2015 i feel like i am going crazy. has anyone gone through something similar? thoughts? If you are reading that him and this other woman are LITERALLY saying they can't wait to have sex with each other, then I don't know what other thing you think it might be. No one innocently says "I can't wait to have you". It literally means "I can't wait until you put your penis inside me." Get Out!!!!!!! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Try Posted September 14, 2015 Share Posted September 14, 2015 for a couple of months, he has been messaging with a woman he is "friends" with, engaging is very explicit conversation about what they want to do to each other. i know they have seen each other several times, though i don't know what actually happened. she constantly makes comments about how she is "ready for him" and "can't wait so finally have him". i do know that he has given her money and has also offered to buy things for her apartment. she sends him naked pictures of herself, which he encourages her to do. "messaging with a woman" where she tells him that she is "ready for him", "can't wait so finally have him", and where she "she sends him naked pictures of herself" is called an emotional affair ("EA"), and an EA is cheating. This is text book EA stuff actually and you should allow no debate with him about it being cheating. i know that if i confront him, he will say nothing ever happened, and she is pursuing him Tell him it does not matter who is chasing whom when we are talking about cheating. Ask him if you cheat with another man that is doing all the pursing, does that make it OK for you to cheat because you were not the one doing the pursuing? Also, the fact that he is buying her things sort of throws out the notion that she is doing all the pursing. Of course he is going to discount what you say, downplay his cheating, rug sweep and want to continue with his cheating. That is what cheaters do. It is right out of the cheaters handbook. Here is the rub, he can only do this if you continue to let him do it. You need to know that you do not need his permission to call cheating cheating when you see it. You do not need him to agree with you, because as a cheater he will not. Take action or and accept this second class marriage. You are not going to talk you way out of this. Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted September 15, 2015 Share Posted September 15, 2015 It's cheating and you have no marriage. The absolute worse thing is he has no respect for you. Move on! You can do better Link to post Share on other sites
BlueBlood Posted September 15, 2015 Share Posted September 15, 2015 How are you doing, OP? You've gotten some extremely good (but probably hard to hear) advice. I know leaving even a bad relationship can be daunting. Just thought I'd check in and see how you're faring. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Poutrew Posted September 15, 2015 Share Posted September 15, 2015 OP, it almost sounds to me as if your hubby is treating this as a joke. Maybe for him it's a power trip, you know, being able to control someone, the OW in this case, just like how a puppeteer controls his puppet. In this case, I'd tell you to show him this thread and encourage him to post his views on it. I think there are many LSers who'd love to reply to him... Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted September 15, 2015 Share Posted September 15, 2015 this has been going on with several different women for years. the first time i confronted him we hadn't even be married for a year, and i found the incriminating evidence by accident (he let me use his laptop and had naked pictures of other women on it). I am at a point where i don't even want to try anymore, i'm just over it. i feel like i have let him get away with this too many times, and it will never stop unless i actually do something about it - something being, leave him. but it is overreacting to leave him over facebook messages and texts, when i don't know that anything every actually happened? I think many of us are confused by your use of this phrase - " i don't know that anything ever actually happened". Even if he's never had sex with any of these women, would you accept the constant messaging, naked pictures and sexual discussion ??? Most would not and would feel pretty clearly plenty had indeed already happened... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Just a Guy Posted September 15, 2015 Share Posted September 15, 2015 Hi LP, There is a saying 'No point flogging a dead horse', the horse being your marriage. Apart from the obvious cheating that your husband is indulging in, there is also a lack of intimacy in your marriage and as per what you said a lack of closeness of any kind. What is the point of continuing with a relationship which died a while ago? You are young enough to start afresh and you owe it to yourself to find happiness elsewhere. Your husband will be just fine on his own. Cheers! Link to post Share on other sites
spanz1 Posted September 15, 2015 Share Posted September 15, 2015 that is pretty strange behavior. I wonder WHY he is doing it. Are you sure they never met up physically? Was he at first cruising a lot of porn, and then started having these online sexual conversations? He might have been horny, on a porn site that has chat or PMing function, and just found another random soul on the internet to get horny with. I guess what I am asking...is he using this sexual chatting to get horny for sex with YOU? Or is he replacing sex with you with this weird cybersex. The former...might be forgivable (and might be seated in some ED problem he has, or some buried psychological issues). The latter is totally unacceptable. Link to post Share on other sites
cozycottagelg Posted September 15, 2015 Share Posted September 15, 2015 There are so many people here who never find "enough" proof and who have still left because they were being disrespected. Go file for divorce TODAY. Doesn't mean you have to follow through, but you need to show him you are serious!! This is AS BAD as cheating. Giving her money!!! Are you kidding me??????? I don't understand how you aren't more angry. Link to post Share on other sites
Jj66 Posted September 15, 2015 Share Posted September 15, 2015 He is absolutely cheating and he is also ****ing her, not just exchanging inappropriate messages. Mark my words. . And his reaction is completely disrespectful. Time to end the marriage. I'm sorry. Link to post Share on other sites
Author littlepieces Posted September 15, 2015 Author Share Posted September 15, 2015 i'm not sure why my story "doesn't pass the smell test". i'm sure i'm not the first woman who was ever scared to leave their husband. i think i made it clear in my posts that i am scared and feel like i'm going crazy. i would think that anyone posting in/reading an infidelity thread on a relationship message board would be used to people who are confused. to those who don't understand why i keep saying i'm not sure anything happened, okay, i'll be more clear: i am not sure anything PHYSICAL happened. i do think there is a difference, but it doesn't mean i think what he is doing is okay. sometimes when you question yourself, it's good to bounce it off of others, which is what brought me here, but... why i feel the need to defend myself to people on an internet forum, i don't know. i was feeling alone and confused and in a moment of desperation, thought maybe i'll post what i'm going through and see what people out there think. i guess i shouldn't be surprised that people out there might feel the need to question me. but thank you everyone for the advice and feedback. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted September 15, 2015 Share Posted September 15, 2015 that is pretty strange behavior. I wonder WHY he is doing it. Are you sure they never met up physically? Was he at first cruising a lot of porn, and then started having these online sexual conversations? He might have been horny, on a porn site that has chat or PMing function, and just found another random soul on the internet to get horny with. I guess what I am asking...is he using this sexual chatting to get horny for sex with YOU? Or is he replacing sex with you with this weird cybersex. The former...might be forgivable (and might be seated in some ED problem he has, or some buried psychological issues). The latter is totally unacceptable. Actually, all of it is cheating because it is deceptive, it is going outside the marriage, and he has lied to her face. I am glad you mentioned porn though. Because one well-documented next step after constant porn use is chatting and texting. Link to post Share on other sites
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