New to this

[Pfuser]

I am a MW and in what I thought was a happy marriage.

However, I find myself getting close to a MM that is part of our social group. We all went away the other weekend and I found myself flirting, that moved to texting when we got home and now phone calls.

We all went away again this past weekend and it was really fun and really hard too. If you had asked me 4 weeks ago, I would have never thought I would be in this situation. I love my husband and family. But whatever it is with MM is just magnetic.

 

We snuck a very brief kiss this weekend and made plans to meet for lunch this week.

 

Since we have been home, he is pulling back a little. I think it may have become "real" for him this weekend. I don't know.

 

And so here I am, feeling insecure and hating it. I am used to being someone's priority. I don't know how I feel about being second fiddle.

 

I think I am imaging a relationship in my mind where I get to go be someone's girlfriend. No one's mother, wife, care giver. Just something fun for me. But having insecurity about it is making me rethink it.

 

I'm babbling. I can't talk to anyone about this obviously.

 

So, anyone want to talk this through with me?

[eye of the storm]

I am a MW and in what I thought was a happy marriage.

However, I find myself getting close to a MM that is part of our social group. We all went away the other weekend and I found myself flirting, that moved to texting when we got home and now phone calls.

We all went away again this past weekend and it was really fun and really hard too. If you had asked me 4 weeks ago, I would have never thought I would be in this situation. I love my husband and family. But whatever it is with MM is just magnetic. It is magnetic, because it is based on fantasy.

 

We snuck a very brief kiss this weekend and made plans to meet for lunch this week.

 

Since we have been home, he is pulling back a little. I think it may have become "real" for him this weekend. I don't know.

 

And so here I am, feeling insecure and hating it. I am used to being someone's priority. You are currently your Hs priority. I don't know how I feel about being second fiddle. You will always be second fiddle with the MM.

 

I think I am imaging a relationship in my mind where I get to go be someone's girlfriend. No one's mother, wife, care giver. Imagine it very clearly, it could happen. Someone's exW, part time custody could be your future.Just something fun for me. But having insecurity about it is making me rethink it.

 

I'm babbling. I can't talk to anyone about this obviously.

 

So, anyone want to talk this through with me?

 

Fantasies are fun. Fantasies really don't hurt anyone.

 

But please think for a minute what would happen if you follow thru with this. You could lose your family. In addition to your world crumbling, pause and think about the pain you would intentionally be causing to his W and his children.

 

As look fun from the outside. But once you are embroiled in one the pain will come. Pain for you, your H, your children, him, his W, his children. Picture going to the store and people obviously not "seeing" you because they know.

 

Talk to your H. Nothing will cure the fantasy faster than seeing the pain in someone you loves eyes. But if you are considering an A this hard then you and your H need to work on your M.

 

Good luck.

[Sassy Girl]

Wow this is a disaster waiting to happen.

 

There's nothing I can say to stop you either because you're in the fog and swept up by hormones.

 

I get it. I'm a married woman who's been in an affair, but there's no way, NO WAY I would risk it all with a social circle affair. You will lose everything. Everything. Your friends, your family, your integrity. Your reputation. You will embarrass your children and your husband and for what? Validation? Some thrills.

 

Start reading over on the infidelity board. Of all the betrayals you such pose for your family, why would you choose one with a friend of your husbands? A double betrayal.

 

And gently, the fact that pure considering this is not a sign of a broken marriage. Something is broken in you that you will potentially throw it all away.

 

Counselling. Now.

[hardlesson]

It's so early in your affair with this man that I am so anxious about telling you to please stop this and get out. I obviously can't tell you what to do.....but I have been an OW and I really, really want to urge you to put a stop to this. I have seen the pain it can cause that the other poster has described. I have experienced it.

 

You love your husband and you are happy with him. Please don't destroy what you have.

[warshaw]

So, anyone want to talk this through with me?

 

Walk away from this possible affair and walk back into your house into your happy marriage and into your husband's arms and don't ruin your life with a selfish deceptive, and meaningless affair.

 

You're welcome.

[eye of the storm]

Pfuser, I am not jumping on you. It sounds like you are at a crossroad. I just want you to realize that this isn't like in the movies or TV. This is real and more damaging than you realize.

 

Also, I started to think. This couple is in your social circle. Are you friends with his W? If you start this A and she finds out, not only was she betrayed by her H, she was betrayed by her friend.

 

Doing this could cost you your M, your constant access to you children, most of your friends, your home...the list is long and varied.

 

I know from experience. My now exH had an exit A with my now exBF. Her H divorced her, her children refused to see her during her visitation times, she lost most of her friends, she was excluded when she tried to volunteer with her sons' sports clubs. Hs didn't want their Ws associating with her and Ws for sure kept their Hs away from her. She became an outcast.

 

I hope you are able to shake off the fog. Good luck!!

[Pfuser]

Thank you all!

I am at a crossroad. And I have so much good in my life. I put a lot of thought into this after I posted and I called my best friend and cried my eyes out and told her everything.

During our talk, I realize that perhaps I am not happy in my marriage. I am not unhappy, but just that we are growing apart. And I need to fix that so that I feel good about myself...and it is fixable.

So, I guess when my husband gets home, I will tell him that I am not happy and that I want some things to change. I want us to do more as a couple and a family.

 

And I guess that means that I have to go total no contact. Last week MM told me that if that is what I want, he respects it and will not contact me nor accept contact from me. Hopefully he will be the same way now.

 

I can't lose my kids. I can't share custody. I can't. I can't hurt my husband who has stood by me for so much. He doesn't deserve this.

 

I am glad I came here before it was too late to turn back.

[eye of the storm]

If you need support come back any time.

 

MC sound like it might be good.

 

Sending you positive energy! Good luck

[jbrent890]

Thank you all!

I am at a crossroad. And I have so much good in my life. I put a lot of thought into this after I posted and I called my best friend and cried my eyes out and told her everything.

During our talk, I realize that perhaps I am not happy in my marriage. I am not unhappy, but just that we are growing apart. And I need to fix that so that I feel good about myself...and it is fixable.

So, I guess when my husband gets home, I will tell him that I am not happy and that I want some things to change. I want us to do more as a couple and a family.

 

And I guess that means that I have to go total no contact. Last week MM told me that if that is what I want, he respects it and will not contact me nor accept contact from me. Hopefully he will be the same way now.

 

I can't lose my kids. I can't share custody. I can't. I can't hurt my husband who has stood by me for so much. He doesn't deserve this.

 

I am glad I came here before it was too late to turn back.

 

OP, you do know that people have affairs in relatively good marriages as well. At this point, I think you are trying to convince yourself that your marriage isn't as good as you think it is because you are attracted to someone else. Thats a very normal response to cheating. Essentially what you are doing is shifting blame onto your husband because you feel that you shouldn't be attracted to your AP. Therapy should help you with this. And not to be mean, but I would not go to your husband and tell him how unhappy you are without being honest about the things you did. In fact, I find it very cruel when waywards do that. He gets all the blame and you get to walk away scott-free. Again, not to be mean, but does that sound fair or even right to you? I know your scared, but if you want to be honest with your husband, be honest about everything and not just the things that work for you.

[jbrent890]

If you need support come back any time.

 

MC sound like it might be good.

 

Sending you positive energy! Good luck

 

To be honest, I wouldn't even recommend MC at this time. What she needs is IC. She pretty much eluded to it in her first post. Her marriage is not bad, she is just looking for an escape from the roles that she plays: mother, wife, caregiver. There are plenty of healthy ways of looking for an escape that don't involve having an affair. She needs to figure out why she thought it was ok to go down this route. IC should help out with that.

[ShatteredHearts]

This. Word for word. My A started the same way yours did, however I let it spiral out of control. Two years later I am separated (divorce will be final in a few weeks), I share custody of the kids, have lost a handful of friends and have a few family members that don't speak to me anymore. My ExAP? Getting a divorce of his own and we no longer speak. He didn't want Her, but didn't want me either. The pain I have endured is indescribable, and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

Please, do not meet up with him anymore. Work on your marriage and give it your best shot.

Walk away from this possible affair and walk back into your house into your happy marriage and into your husband's arms and don't ruin your life with a selfish deceptive, and meaningless affair.

 

You're welcome.

[Artie Lang]

not so fast... you do realize you can't engage with this MM anymore, right? him being a part of your social circle does not sound too convincing that this is anywhere near being over.

 

furthermore, as long as you are hiding this from your husband you really can't move forward. if you're gonna demand more out of him, why do you believe omitting what you've done is ok?

[Dancewithme]

Pfuser, good for you for recognizing that you were going down a slippery slope, and thinking. So much heartache could be avoided if other MM and MW stopped and thought about what they where about to do. Even though you are torn, and recognize that you want a fantasy relationship, you know that is not the way. I agree with other posters, IC would be a good idea for you.

 

Being married doesn't mean you will never feel an attraction to someone other than your spouse, being married means you honor your commitment to your spouse, and stay away from the person in question, and shady situations. Those feelings of attraction will fade. I hope you continue to make good choices. Good luck to you.

[Pfuser]

I don't blame my husband for things not being the way I want them to be. Things are not bad...they are just routine.

 

Artie, I don't demand more from him. I want things to be a little different. And I think we both play a part in that.

 

We had a good talk last night. We talked about me being on a slippery slope and being confused and just wanting something different. That I feel like I am a wife and a mom and nothing more. I want us to do more as a family and as a couple. Right now we live in the same house, but there are times when we barely see each other.

 

So, we talked some and we will see what happens tonight.

 

As for MM, he is in our social circle. Luckily, it is a summer social circle, so avoiding contact at this time of year will be easier than it would have been 2 months ago.

 

And someone asked if I am friends with his wife and that answer is no. We are cordial, but we just never clicked. It is a larger group, so there are women there I am closer with and some that I am not. And I know that if this goes on, I would lose that whole social circle. No one would want me around ever.

[Dutchman1]

When you have feelings for a man who is not your spouse, kiss him and not telling the truth to your H, then you cheated on your H.

 

 

Please come clean, go to IC, talk to your H.

Talk about changes that you both need.

please don't go the road that ShatteredHearts went.

She lost everything, and I hope she will forgive herself, and I hope your H will forgive you when you have the courage to be honest.

 

 

I wish the best for your family.

 

 

Dutchman 1

[Lois_Griffin]

Please come clean, go to IC, talk to your H.

Oh for God's sakes. Why would she need to go to some quack therapist just because she was momentarily tempted by another man?

 

Humans will always be tempted. It's a part of life. She obviously had reservations about it or wouldn't have come here to discuss it and get back on track.

 

This nonsense with everyone telling people to go to IC for every thing that happens in their lives - right down to having a hangnail - is just so freakin' over the top ridiculous.

 

OP, you'll mange to deal with this all on your own without some quack telling you all about how you secretly hated your mother and resented your father and all that nonsense. You'll deal with it like any mature adult deals with life situations. Jeez.

[Friskyone4u]

I suggest you tell you husband the truth since you have apparently stopped this in the nick of time. You really cannot go NC with this OM if you are in the same social circle asnd this temptation is going to be right there in front of you unless your husband knows about it and keeps you grounded. yes, he can change some, but you came very close to entering a physical relationship with another man and unless you blow up that possibility you are going to be faced with an ongoing choice, and all it takes it one mistake.

 

And what happens next summer when you are around this guy a lot?? Right back to square one.

 

You need IC, not MC.

 

And one last thing. If you cross this line with an OM that is right in the same social circle as your husband, who interacts with him at social events, etx, that is going to be even more devastating and humiliating to him when you get caught. You will have a lot more to be sorry about than losing your social circle.

Edited September 15, 2015 by Friskyone4u

[jbrent890]

Oh for God's sakes. Why would she need to go to some quack therapist just because she was momentarily tempted by another man?

 

Humans will always be tempted. It's a part of life. She obviously had reservations about it or wouldn't have come here to discuss it and get back on track.

 

This nonsense with everyone telling people to go to IC for every thing that happens in their lives - right down to having a hangnail - is just so freakin' over the top ridiculous.

 

OP, you'll mange to deal with this all on your own without some quack telling you all about how you secretly hated your mother and resented your father and all that nonsense. You'll deal with it like any mature adult deals with life situations. Jeez.

 

There is a stark difference between temptation and texting and sharing a kiss with a guy for 4 weeks. This was not a harmless crush, this was an EA that got slightly physical. A very short affair, but an affair none the less. Not to mention, the only reason she is here was because he started to pull back and she wanted to know why that was. Her original reason for being on this site was not to save her marriage. It wasn't until people inundated her with "what are you doing" posts that things changed. Yes, she needs IC. Marriage is not a 24/7 passion fest. Heck, its barely a 12/3.5 passion fest. Her husband can do his best to step things up, but her marriage will more than likely get routine again. She needs to figure out healthy ways to cope when this happen as opposed to texting and kissing another guy. This can and will happen again unless she gets to the bottom on this.

 

In terms of her telling, as much as I wanted it to, I knew it wasn't going happen. I had a feeling she was going to get as close as she could without telling the whole truth. Essentially all she has done is put her husband in a game and he doesn't know how dire the rules really are. Essentially, if he doesn't step up, he will get cheated on. It really does put him in a very unfair position.

[Clay]

It sounds like you told your husband something but did you tell him who the other man is? He needs to know what he is up against. Its not just about you both fixing your relationship now its about him helping you withdraw from this other man and understand that in the summer he will be back in your life again.

 

Personally I think counseling is a must. Its easy to say this all started with just a crush or a mild over stepping of the boundaries. You both crossed a serious line already and people just putting this off like its not that big of a deal is just foolish. You said it yourself there are other things in your marriage you need to work on. Who better to talk to that is not invested in your marriage or your affair with the OM than a professional. This personal can help you really evaluate reality from fantasy.

 

As you can see what some of the other people here are telling this really wrecks peoples lives. Not just the ones that wanted to stay marred but also the ones that did not. You need to be completely open and honest to your husband if you really want to repair your marriage.

 

On the other side of this good for you for stopping it before it went to far.

 

C

[warshaw]

Oh for God's sakes. Why would she need to go to some quack therapist just because she was momentarily tempted by another man?

 

Humans will always be tempted. It's a part of life. She obviously had reservations about it or wouldn't have come here to discuss it and get back on track.

 

Doesn't sound like reservations as much as she's looking for help with the next move.

 

She's in a happy marriage and she seems to have no regard for her soon to be betrayed husband. She's only thinking about how she can get with this other guy.

 

She needs therapy.

[Horton]

You've flirted with the OM, sent him text messages, phone calls, kissed him, you've developed an emotional connection with him and you're panicking that he's pulling away from you. Plus your posting on the OW/OM board on an infidelity forum. People are speaking as though you just averted having an affair. I have some bad news for you ma'am, you have not averted having an affair, you're actually knee deep in an affair at this very moment.

 

You've also picked the worst person imaginable to have it with(a family friend) which only increases exponentially the likelihood of this coming out and when it does eventually get exposed and your husband finds out that you made him 'change' things about himself in order to make you happier after you've already cheated on him, well let's just say he's gonna be a very unhappy camper. You've also told your best friend about this so now if she helps you hide your affair from him, your friendship with her will become a constant source of contention between you and your husband, lessening your chances of salvaging your marriage even further.

 

That's the bad news, the good news is you can change course and start making wise decisions again. You probably don't wanna hear this, but the only chance you have of truly fixing this is a full confession to your husband and complete NC with the OM and his family, they have to be cut out of your life entirely. If you lie to him now about the extent of your affair and he finds out the truth later, you will have lost any credibility, making the chances of him believing that this stopped at kissing slim to none.

[eye of the storm]

It sounded to me like the OP needed to re-commit to her M. That is why I recommended MC. So that, as a couple, they could work on rebuilding and strengthening their M.

[poofitsgone]

I don't blame my husband for things not being the way I want them to be. Things are not bad...they are just routine.

 

Artie, I don't demand more from him. I want things to be a little different. And I think we both play a part in that.

 

We had a good talk last night. We talked about me being on a slippery slope and being confused and just wanting something different. That I feel like I am a wife and a mom and nothing more. I want us to do more as a family and as a couple. Right now we live in the same house, but there are times when we barely see each other.

 

So, we talked some and we will see what happens tonight.

 

As for MM, he is in our social circle. Luckily, it is a summer social circle, so avoiding contact at this time of year will be easier than it would have been 2 months ago.

 

And someone asked if I am friends with his wife and that answer is no. We are cordial, but we just never clicked. It is a larger group, so there are women there I am closer with and some that I am not. And I know that if this goes on, I would lose that whole social circle. No one would want me around ever.

 

 

You need to tell him the whole truth. At first I didn't read it as quite cheating...but thinking on it I dont know what else you could call it. You had a thankfully very brief EA that seems to have ended when you kissed and he got cold feet. You need to keep that in mind and be honest with yourself. You didn't stop it, OM did. How much farther would you have been willing to go if he wanted to?

If you respect your husband at all he needs to know all this. Your not sparing his feelings by not telling him...your putting your comfort over him. If he finds out some other way how is he going to believe you about anything else. Especially since as strange as it is to say this...it could have been alot worse. And why would he believe you try to explain the most physical thing was kiss, if you weren't even honest about that in the first place?

Can you imagine how much more hurtful and embarrassed he would be if word got out before you told him. If the OM says something ...if the OMs wife finds out and tells...if your friend lets it slip...how much worse it would be for him if his friends and neighbors find out before he does? Something like that is going to make forgiving you much harder than it would otherwise be. You need to fix this situation asap, for everyones sake.

[Eagle's-bargain]

So, anyone want to talk this through with me?

 

Don't play yourself like a damn fiddle.

Read some of the pain that victims of affairs feel, and those who participated in affairs. The Ashley Madison lifestyle is only for the facile and apathetic.

Edited September 28, 2015 by Eagle's-bargain
Gooder english

[Poppy47]

YOu need to give yourself a whack around the head and STOP right there.

Why are you thinking of doing this to your husband? Has he ever done anything to make you pull away from him?

 

You will not like the A after a while and you will lose all the happiness and wonderful things that you have.

 

Poppy.