LateInLife Posted September 14, 2015 Share Posted September 14, 2015 Hi Guys Sad to say that my wife and I are separated as of two weeks ago (27yrs). We are quite amicable about it and both sad and grieving at times. Basically I blew it with my wife by not showing romance, passion and desire and other areas she says I have hurt her and have for a long period of time. I love my wife and adore her dearly and would love to win her heart back however, I think that may not be the case. We are separated under the same roof. I have read lots and also about the 180. With the 180 I read that this may have to be modified when living together so I have started doing this although she loves chatting which I am still engaging this with her on various topics. The problem I see is it is making us both happy that we have space etc etc. and not sure how this will work in my favor so she sees me differently as I work my way through fixing all the things that I wronged. I know it may take time and seeing counselor about it. Any suggestions? I am guessing the 180 can also work against you in that as she seems happy that you are not "in her face" sh might see this as free to go on and chase other relationships. Sorry guys, I am just so confused and really hoping that a miracle occurs. D Link to post Share on other sites
warshaw Posted September 14, 2015 Share Posted September 14, 2015 Let me be the first of many who may post here and tell you that the 180 is not some sort of manipulative tool or cheap trick to try to win your ex back by acting differently. And in this case, where you're getting along reasonably well, and her complaint is that you've been distant and detached.. going 180 is the worst thing you can do if you're looking to improve the situation. The 180 is to work on yourself and prepare for life without your significant other, it does not appear that you are that far along and there's a good chance to fix this. Try listening to her and addressing her unmet wants and needs, seek counseling and most importantly, listen to criticism and learn how to change without getting defensive. On the other hand don't go all Romeo and start leaving flowers on the bed and begging and kissing her feet for forgiveness and "one more chance to show you've really changed "(in two weeks). That would be almost as bad as implementing the 180. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted September 15, 2015 Share Posted September 15, 2015 Sorry guys, I am just so confused and really hoping that a miracle occurs. D More typically, the 180 is used in an attempt to wake up a wandering spouse considering leaving you for someone else. It's designed to disabuse them of the notion you'll stay stuck in place while they pursue other options. Don't think it's applicable to your current situation. You mention you're seeing a counselor, is your wife open to MC? Sounds as though she has a lot of resentment based on your lack of effort and MC provides a chance for her to voice her concerns. Might be your best chance... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author LateInLife Posted September 15, 2015 Author Share Posted September 15, 2015 (edited) Thanks for your help guys and Mr Lucky, she is not open to MC. She wanted to see me action some time ago which I didn't. Well yesterday I have strong suspicions she was out with a man all day (affair if you could call it) so confirms that she is on her way to looking at another life. So I guess the options are 1: Let her stay at home and make life amicable without tension or 2: kick her out of home and apply the 180. We get on well but she is obviously leading a double life now. I suppose I could see it when she started reading erotic romance novels from earlier this year, you know the ones where there is deceit, deception, romance and sexual intimacy so I have a feeling she is playing this in real life straight out of a novel so confused what to do D Edited September 15, 2015 by LateInLife Link to post Share on other sites
warshaw Posted September 15, 2015 Share Posted September 15, 2015 So I guess the options are 1: Let her stay at home and make life amicable without tension or 2: kick her out of home and apply the 180. I read that a lot on here and other boards. "Kick the cheater out". Domestic partners have rights. Even cheating partners cannot be removed from the home against their will, absent a court order. A court will not order a cheater out of the home simply because they were unfaithful, it must be because the person is deemed a threat, or as part of a divorce action whereby the partner that wishes to stay in the home presents a good argument as to why the other should be evicted. Even if it seems like the right thing to do. Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted September 16, 2015 Share Posted September 16, 2015 The 180 is a series of actions designed to help people move forward with their life as quickly and efficiently as possible without getting manipulated by their STBX and without trying to hold on to the STBX. It is not a program to reconcile or save a relationship nor is it a program to get someone back. Marital counseling and therapy are for saving marriages. Getting someone back after they have split is shooting craps at best and most often just peeing on an electric fence. Dealing with a spouse that is seeing someone else is a whole other algorithm. In your case, you are kind of dealing with someone who has checked out, announced their intentions to divorce and is seeing someone else (and appears to be doing so fairly blatantly and not even trying to hide it) You are waaaaaaaaaaaaay behind the eight ball here and likely just barking up the wrong tree. It's easier to give birth than to redirect the dead (quote from Athol Kay). The work and time and effort that you would need to spend on the 0.00001% chance of coming out of this with a happy and healthy marriage, would likely be better spent on an uncontested divorce and finding someone else. Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted September 16, 2015 Share Posted September 16, 2015 Based on the first post, I'd agree that a 180 would be a bad plan. Based on your second post, I'd recommend filing for divorce and would guess that her complaints about your alleged shortcomings in the romance department started at about the same time she took up with this other guy. Typical. She has to justify primarily to herself and only consequently to you that what she's doing isn't as sleazy and morally bankrupt as it is. Any minor kids? If not, I'd be tempted to move out. Consult with a lawyer first, and the standard advice is NOT to move out and thus establish a status quo you may not want but hell, I'd rather not watch my STBXW date while I'm under the same roof. Time to start your own life, brother. We're not dead yet. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted September 16, 2015 Share Posted September 16, 2015 Any minor kids? If not, I'd be tempted to move out. Consult with a lawyer first, and the standard advice is NOT to move out and thus establish a status quo you may not want but hell, I'd rather not watch my STBXW date while I'm under the same roof. Amen. With this new info, time to switch from defense to offense. Given your conflicted state of mind, tell her you want to compose your thoughts and give them to her in written form. Trust me, it's not a more effective means, it's a dodge designed to avoid you blurting something out in the heat of the moment that hinders your progress. Stay strong... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
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