Is what you're missing actually the fantasy? Share here

[ScienceGal]

I realize that with my most recent breakup, what I miss most is the fantasy. The fantasy that we could get back together and things would be perfect.

 

He is a good person, no question there. He treated me well and I trusted him 100%. I cared for him, respected him, enjoyed being with him every moment. I wanted to be with him forever.

 

Now that it's over, I've realized all of the little spaces, the gaps that I filled in. How I made things feel better than they actually were. You see, there are things I want that I never got with him. Real intimacy, absolute love and acceptance. There are things that truly matter to me that I overlooked because I cared for him. I compromised.

 

What about you? As much as you're hurting right now, what needs do you have that were not being met? How did you compromise and/or lie to yourself?

[Mrlonelyone]

I've never lied to myself. If anything I have always been way more cynical about and critical towards my relationships than was warranted.

 

You are, on the other hand, like most healthy people. It is called the honeymoon phase. We see the other person as being better than they really are. This last depending on the people up to 2-3 years or a matter of 6 months. In the early going you don't know someone it is all chemical and magical and feels great.

 

Google for anything about what is called Limmerance.

 

Many people mistake that feeling of Limmerance for actual love. It feels romantic and magical and oh so good. It covers over the flaws. It makes them seem perfect in every way.

 

 

Real mature love on the other hand sees the flaws, and the perfections as a whole and loves the whole.

 

Limmerance in a way makes their farts not stink. Mature love accepts that they do stink and is ok with that. That last way of putting it is a bit crude....but you get the picture.

 

In short... you are normal. Me I feel that way for at most a few months even when I am really in love with someone.