Why am I so unhappy in my marriage?

[lmsmum]

I'm on the verge of filing for divorce from my husband of 5 years. He is a good person, very loyal and completely devoted to me and our 3 year old son. I have been unhappy for a while now, but only started admitting this to myself in the past 6 months.

Here are my complaints: He is an alcoholic. Doesn't drastically change his personality when he drinks, he's not mean. He can be fairly checked out. I am tired of alcohol getting in the way of our social life (we have none.) I feel lonely and isolated, but am also uncomfortable when we go out with people. Can't put my finger on why exactly. I'm tired of smelling alcohol on his breath every night and I am afraid to have my son smell it as well.

 

He also essentially hasn't worked in the entire time we've been together. That is including during my residency. I also had a baby my second year in residency. He said he "wanted to be there for me emotionally" and that's why he didn't work. My son also started daycare at age 1 and my husband stayed home tinkering around the house. I was so stressed during this time and I felt resentful he had such a free life.

 

We both have our faults, but sometimes I feel he is subtly abusive. It's that kind you can't exactly put your finger on. He speaks to me like the little woman, like I am incapable of doing anything right. He subtly criticizes me constantly. He criticizes everything I do with my son, including breastfeeding, co-sleeping, everything. This, and I do almost everything for our son. I cook, buy all his clothes, kind of everything. I have threatened to walk out numerous times over his tone alone. He tells me I'm too sensitive and that he feels like he can't say anything without me getting my feelings hurt. And BTW I've had several friends mention they aren't comfortable with the way he talks to me.

 

What do you guys think?

 

 

It's not outright, but I have this smoldering resentment and anger at him.

[Mrlonelyone]

First of all you mention "residency" as in you are in medical school or something about like that married to someone who hasn't had a job in over 5 years and he talks to you like "the little woman". WTH is wrong with him!?

 

That is a very legit thing to complain about.

 

Here is my advice. Granted it comes from a dark place I am in but it has some validity.

 

Embrace giving up.

 

I don't mean surrender to having a bad relationship I mean accept him as what he is ALL of what he is. While he likes a drink and does not work surely he must do something you like. Right? He must provide something other than a warm body at night. Right? Try to remember what that is and remind yourself why he was worthy of a relationship in the first place.

 

Then once you have reminded yourself of what his good qualities were.... give up.

 

Either give up on getting more from him and embrace all the good he brings to your life.

 

Or, give up on the marriage give up the good and the bad he brings. Then embrace the sheer fact that you can't will a new love into your life and give up on that too. It may happen. You may divorce him and meet a much better man...someday... soon...or not so soon. Embrace all those possibilities.

 

I'm on the verge of filing for divorce from my husband of 5 years. He is a good person, very loyal and completely devoted to me and our 3 year old son. I have been unhappy for a while now, but only started admitting this to myself in the past 6 months.

Here are my complaints: He is an alcoholic. Doesn't drastically change his personality when he drinks, he's not mean. He can be fairly checked out. I am tired of alcohol getting in the way of our social life (we have none.) I feel lonely and isolated, but am also uncomfortable when we go out with people. Can't put my finger on why exactly. I'm tired of smelling alcohol on his breath every night and I am afraid to have my son smell it as well.

 

He also essentially hasn't worked in the entire time we've been together. That is including during my residency. I also had a baby my second year in residency. He said he "wanted to be there for me emotionally" and that's why he didn't work. My son also started daycare at age 1 and my husband stayed home tinkering around the house. I was so stressed during this time and I felt resentful he had such a free life.

 

We both have our faults, but sometimes I feel he is subtly abusive. It's that kind you can't exactly put your finger on. He speaks to me like the little woman, like I am incapable of doing anything right. He subtly criticizes me constantly. He criticizes everything I do with my son, including breastfeeding, co-sleeping, everything. This, and I do almost everything for our son. I cook, buy all his clothes, kind of everything. I have threatened to walk out numerous times over his tone alone. He tells me I'm too sensitive and that he feels like he can't say anything without me getting my feelings hurt. And BTW I've had several friends mention they aren't comfortable with the way he talks to me.

 

What do you guys think?

 

 

It's not outright, but I have this smoldering resentment and anger at him.

[bluefeather]

Maybe you should consider marriage counseling. I might try that before throwing in the towel.

[BlueBlood]

Physician? Heal thyself. You know better than most that no one but the alcoholic is gonna fix the alcoholic. He isn't there yet, maybe he won't ever be there. But that's not your problem, your problem is keeping your child safe and cared for and providing for his well being. Single parenting may be a breeze in fact seeing as you have day care covered and are the one making the money. Less one alcoholic life can only get simpler for you. When he sobers up, you can revisit your feelings, till then? You're spinning your wheels and getting nowhere good.

[S2B]

How have you been surviving throughout your school days?

 

 

He doesn't work? That's not a partnership.

 

 

I don't blame you for feeling resentful.

 

 

I want my man to participate and contribute to the relationship...to help me feel safe and secure.

 

 

Doesn't look like your H is providing you any benefits of being with him. Why not divorce?

 

You may want to consider divorcing BEFORE you begin earning big money - because if you wait - he will get a LARGE portion of your earnings.

 

 

But more than that you'll be free of him - and what's dragging you down.

 

And then you'll have a change of finding a partner who ADDS beauty to your daily life instead of one who is sucking the life out of you.

[d0nnivain]

You are unhappy because you are married to a lazy alcoholic. That doesn't make him a bad person but an addict. Nevertheless, he's not pulling his weight.

 

 

Since you are conflicted about filing for divorce, before you do, go to a few Al-Anon meetings, That is a support group for people who love alcoholics. They will give you insight into your own behavior.

[Mr. Lucky]

It's not outright, but I have this smoldering resentment and anger at him.

 

I'm surprised it's not more of an open flame :eek: .

 

In the successful "one partner works, one stays at home" relationships I see (my own included ), the stay at home partner provides the support needed for the working partner to function. This includes childcare, household, finances, cooking, cleaning, etc. While both have different jobs, there's equal effort and support of the team.

 

You've got a dependent rather than a partner, big difference...

 

Mr. Lucky

[loveboid]

You're enabling a drug addict. That causes resentment, yes.

 

I would send him to detox. He won't miss work because he's not working. He's not doing much around the house. He might as well work on himself.

 

I would leave while he's getting professional help. That way, you can leave with a clear conscience. And you can tell your children that you helped daddy as well as you could. I'm sure it's a terrible grief for all of you that he's harming the family and himself most of all.

 

There's not much you can do for him and your family except get him professional support and keep taking care of yourself and kids away from him.

[starglider]

I'm in a similar situation as you and have been separated for three months. It is the best decision I made.

 

Given you have a child together, perhaps you want to consider a legal separation to give him one last shot to get things together. Try to make it an amicable and supportive one. In the meantime you can go to Al-anon groups or therapy or CODA and get stronger yourself - this will help if you do divorce as you won't feel so guilty. He will hopefully step up and work on the addiction, get a job, and maybe meds (his irritibility sounds like depression to me). Clearly he has some self-worth issues going on.

 

I'd recommend you set a time frame, stay in touch through meals and activities together, and see what happens. Then you can divorce if he doesn't make any efforts to get out of his funk.

[TaraMaiden2]

...Why are you so unhappy in your marriage...?

 

Because you're not married.

You're a mother to two sons, not one.

He's acting like an adolescent, truculent wayward 16-year-old, not a responsible, mature, functioning adult.

He drinks, he's viewed with some hostility by those close to you, he's argumentative, contrary, irresponsible, lazy and uncooperative.

 

You don't have a man in your life, you have a failure to grow up and grow a pair.

He's stuck in a time-warp. And you're condoning it.....

 

In your shoes, I'm sorry, but I'd give counselling a miss.

If he goes with you it would be with reluctance, resentment and nothing would induce him to change, because as I'm sure you know, an alcoholic who is cornered into changing, won't.

Teenagers are notoriously prone to resisting all good, sound and constructive advice.

 

I don't blame you for wanting out.

I'm truly amazed you've managed to draw it this far down the line.

 

Quit 'threatening him with walking out' because the more you say, but the less you act, the more he will take you for granted, because he will settle into thinking you'll never do it, it's all just talk, hot air and empty threats.

He doesn't believe you. And as you're NOT putting your money where your mouth is, he feels he can comfortably continue behaving exactly as he wants, and has done, because you'll never carry out your threats, ergo, he's safe and all clear to carry on.

 

And that's a happening thing.

 

If you're going to turf him out - do it.

 

We teach people how to treat us".

 

You're basically showing him that no matter how much you might SAY he's driving you away, he's not doing it sufficiently badly to actually motivate you to put your words into actions.

And all the while, your son is slowly growing up in an environment where the man is an indolent, abusive scheister, and the woman is a doormat, and that's the way it is, and that's ok.

 

If this is what you want your son to learn, keep with this programme.

 

If - as I think, by writing here - you've reached the end of the line - find a lawyer, and file.