Are guys really eager to "get it right" in the first post-divorce relationship?

[Blanco]

I read a lot about how most recently divorced guys aren't looking for anything serious post-divorce and they aren't safe bets. But I've been thinking lately: Doesn't it stand to figure that some guys whose wife filed for divorce would feel eager, almost determined, to "get it right" with the first post-divorce relationship?

 

My ex has been with a recently divorced man for about six months. Our relationship had grown toxic and I know we didn't have a future. Still, I felt hurt with how quickly she moved on to this guy, and before I cut myself off from contact, it seemed like she had basically just dropped this guy in my place and continued on as if it was business as usual.

 

He had been married for about 20 years, and with his ex wife basically all his adult life. The divorce was only finalized less than three months ago. He has two adolescent children. My ex has two younger children. She tends to be emotionally unavailable; he came off as being really needy or eager to please. I'll admit, early on, I snooped and saw his Pinterest board, which had a LOT of text pictures that conveyed someone who was in a great deal of hurt (i.e. "If you really love someone, you will never leave them, no matter the situation"). These were getting posted less than a month before they started dating, yet he gave her the impression he was fine with the divorce and ready to move on. He's also in his mid-40s, whereas we're both 30. Not a huge age gap, but still a generational difference. I get the sense that he doesn't have much of a social circle around here, nor does my ex, so it's almost as though their mutual loneliness brought them together. All of this things indicate that a long-lasting relationship wouldn't be in the cards. But ultimately, if this brings them happiness, I'll eventually be OK with this, since I know I don't want a relationship with her.

 

I understand that in the above case, it's only been six months, but that's way longer than most people figured it would last, and he's already stuck around past some of the markers other divorced guys have been known to ghost the woman (i.e. once the divorce is actually finalized).

 

So OK, I know I'm probably still too emotionally invested in this, BUT, here I want to just use this particular case to start a conversation on the broader topic: Are guys like this safer bets than other divorced men? Couldn't it be that their egos are so bruised by divorce that they almost have a chip on their shoulder and they're determined to make that first post-divorce relationship "work?"

Edited September 15, 2015 by Blanco

[oldshirt]

yes you are way too invested in this and your fascination and stalking of him is almost creepy. Knock that off. it's weirding me out.

 

 

OK but now on to your question.

 

 

The common public perception is women are the ones pining for relationships and marriage and suffer in divorce etc etc etc while men are all out chasing tail and avoiding commitments and relationships blah blah blah.

 

 

But statistically, that is not bore out by facts. Statistically men fall in love faster and sooner. Men are typically the ones that propose marriage. Men typically report higher levels of marital happiness and satisfaction than women. Men typically report a higher level of post-divorce depression and loneliness and men typically remarry sooner and at a higher rate than women.

 

 

That was straight out of my college psychology and sociology textbooks. Granted that was 20 years ago but I doubt if those statistics have changed much.

 

 

I think there are a lot of factors at play. Married men are typically happier, healthier and have longer lifespans than never married men of their same age cohort.

 

 

Marriage is typically good for men.

 

 

When a man's marriage ends, he is usually more negatively impacted emotionally than his ex wife. I think the statistics on divorce are that women initiate someone in the neighborhood of 75% of divorces.

 

 

Women also tend to fair better emotionally as divorced single women vs divorced single men.

 

 

But it's not all doom and gloom for divorced men.

 

 

A divorced man with children in his 40s may still be very much marketable on the dating market depending on is social status, career opportunities and how healthy he is physically.

 

 

 

 

Where as a divorced woman with children in her 40s will often find a lot of uphill challenges on the dating market with desirable men her age.

 

 

I think if you add up all those things together, it stands to reason that a reasonably fit, decent looking man with a good income will not be sitting around crying in his beer for very long after a divorce.

 

 

Some men find their dating opportunities following a middle age divorce are actually better than when they were in their 20s. They aren't going to be spending their time knitting and watching afternoon soap operas.

 

 

My suggestion to you is that you don't spend your time stalking your ex's BF but rather get out and start interacting with people yourself and in a very short period of time, you'll be too busy and having to much fun to give a rat's @$$ what your ex and her BF are doing.

[Blanco]

Not that it makes it a lot better, but it was within the first couple of weeks after she told me about him that I saw that online. Anything else about him in my original post is all stuff she told me in those first couple of weeks. I wised up and more or less cut off myself from any further information after that.

[Popsicle]

It would be a thousand times better to be with a guy like this, than an apathetic or jaded one who says the hell with relationships.

[Blanco]

That was my line of thought, too, which is why it's surprising that it seems like the standard line given out to people looking to get involved with a recently divorced person is usually, "Their head isn't right, and won't be for a year or two after the divorce. Avoid."

[carhill]

Are guys really eager to "get it right" in the first post-divorce relationship?

Some guys, sure. They like being in relationships and it can be a religious experience for them and losing a relationship or marriage is like losing their faith. Very debilitating. Some move on to a series of short-term relationships, some jump right back into marriage. IME, the longer a man has been continuously married, the more likely he will be to get right back into the milieu, especially if he married young. FWIW, an attractive man who needs the love of a good woman is, yep, attractive. Women love the devotion of a man who needs them. Lifelong marriages can result from that.

 

The prior poster is exactly right. A relationship is generally always more healthy and satisfying with someone who wants to be in a relationship. Same with a marriage. Desire is very important.

 

Will some men be eager to 'get laid' after a divorce as their version of getting it right? Yep, some will. My exW called this 'going crazy' and I think she meant it in a non-accusatory way, since she was describing herself after her divorces. Some people like the casual. Some the serious. Some perfection first time out of the gate.

 

Lastly, I'll join the opinion to let go of this. I get your interest. I really do. It's just something to let go of when getting divorced. I dealt with it before getting divorced (guy living with my exW) and had to let go of that typical guy stuff we do. Move on. The world is a healthier place for it.

[Popsicle]

That was my line of thought, too, which is why it's surprising that it seems like the standard line given out to people looking to get involved with a recently divorced person is usually, "Their head isn't right, and won't be for a year or two after the divorce. Avoid."

 

Yeah, I'm not really a believer in that line of thought either.

[Blanco]

Thanks for the input, everyone. This is a subject that I've had an interest in long before the situation described in my OP unfolded.

 

But the responses got me thinking, and this morning, I woke up with a clear mind. Well, not a CLEAR mind, but maybe a mind that has more perspective than I've had during this. These six months have been tough, as I've had to heal from the breakup and losing two children who I thought of as my own in addition to knowing that my ex moved on to someone new quickly.

 

If I'm being honest with myself, though, I know all of this is for the best. As I said in the OP, I know I don't want a relationship with her, or at least, I know we really didn't have a happy future together. My ego has been bruised, sure, but I spent the first two months after I moved out racked with guilt that I had technically walked out on a single mother and her two young children. There wasn't a lot of remorse or questioning myself about whether I'd made a mistake ending the actual relationship.

 

So while the ol' ego took a hit when this new guy came around, he at least holds the potential to be what I was to her and the kids, and probably more, as he's got the parenting background, not to mention the financial means to make sure my ex never has to worry about money again. Of course that's made me feel worse at times, but long-term, I know I want her to be happy, and if this situation helps facilitate that, then good for her for finding that. I know I'll ultimately be happier with someone else, too. I just need to remind myself that this isn't a competition and that regardless of the relationship (or relationships) my ex may have, it doesn't change that ours was very flawed and wouldn't have worked over the long haul.

 

Of course, I would still love to hear insights from others on this subject in general, whether it's people who have been divorced or been with recently divorced people.

[Mr. Lucky]

In my general circle of friends, I haven't seen a lot of success with "first one after" relationships for some obvious reasons -

 

- recently separated/divorced men bring baggage ranging from custody and financial issues to difficult ex spouses.

 

- someone coming from an often contentious marriage or LTR has rusty and under-used relationship skills and bad habits to unlearn.

 

- many guys coming out of marriage want to free-lance and live the single life before settling down again.

 

At least in my experience, the odds are against success...

 

Mr. Lucky