I'm scared of my boss

[bluejay17]

Hi,

 

I normally don't post anything on LS, but I thought I would give it a try...

 

I started my job in September 2004. I have two bosses that I work for. They are lawyers, and I help them do research and some admin stuff. One of them works in the same office where I am based; not much to say about him. The other works in an office that is in the next town over. We'll call him Jim. He’s a very experienced and successful lawyer, in his mid-70s.

 

On my first day at this job, my predecessor was training me, and she explained that Jim gets a kick out of intimidating people, and he doesn’t like people who give-in to his attempts to intimidate, meaning he doesn’t like people who are afraid of him. And she was right. In fact, the person who was in this position before her, only lasted for 2 weeks because she couldn’t deal with his intimidating ways, and no one has stayed in this position for longer then 7 months. I have dealt with it for the past 8 months, but it’s gotten to the point where I hate going to work because I don’t want to deal with him.

 

Since he's in the next town over, we communicate mainly through email, vmail, and conference calls. When he calls, sometimes I’m too scared to answer it because I'm afraid that he'll get mad about something I've done. I write discussion points, so that I know what to say when he calls, but I’m usually so nervous that I still forget some of the points, even though they are written down. And sometimes, when I'm supposed to call him to discuss some issue, I let the whole day go by without calling, because I hate talking to him. So basically, I'm doing awful at this job, all because I'm afraid of my boss

 

So I was thinking that I would be better off somewhere else. Should I start looking for another job?

[lindya]

Originally posted by bluejay17

So I was thinking that I would be better off somewhere else. Should I start looking for another job?

 

I'd say so. He sounds like an old-fashioned bully who justifies his actions by demanding that other people should develop "the balls" to stand up to him. Well - it's not really got anything to do with having or not having balls. Being afraid to stand up to the boss generally has more to do with anxieties about losing your job, not being able to get a good reference, being unable to pay the bills etc.

 

What does this man expect you to do in order to indicate that you aren't intimidated by him? More to the point, aren't people who fall into the role of "standing up to him in the way he expects them to" simply pandering to him and allowing their own behaviour to be manipulated? If you value courtesy and manners in the workplace, you certainly shouldn't lower that standard in order to please him.

 

I would most definitely start looking for a job straight away. This guy is a dinosaur, and he's too old to change. Potentially you could probably raise a claim against him for bullying and negotiate a minor settlement, but I very much doubt it's worth the time, bother, stress - and consequent difficulty in finding another job. As long as you are stuck there, it's probably best to use this experience as a learning opportunity in dealing with difficult people. I'm going to come back and recommend a couple of books that might help you.

[moimeme]

No. Suck it up. There will be jerks wherever you work. I once knew a manager named Jim with the same problem. He would continually flip out because he was worried about the stuff I was doing. Finally one day I had it. I went to his office, informed him that I knew my business and that he didn't need to worry that it wouldn't be done right - and pointed to all the things I'd already done just fine. From that day onward, I had no problem with him and he was perfectly fine with me.

 

Just stand your ground. If you're right (and be SURE you are right) you're right and, if you need to, tell him so.

What, exactly, is to be afraid of? He won't eat you. He won't blow you up. He's just another human being like you but he's got an attitude problem. Phone him when you need to phone him and stand your ground. Never let anyone intimidate you - well, maybe a gang or Mafia member might be scary but most humans are all bluster and little action and this guy is no different. And if this guy expects excellence, be excellent. He may end up helping you be a great employee by expecting much of you. So deliver. With confidence.

[lindya]

"talking from 9 to 5" by Deborah Tannen explores the different traditional methods of communication between men and women. Some of it might be helpful - as might Anne Dickson's "A woman in your own right."

 

There's loads of literature out there designed to help people with the problem you're encountering. There's something in what Moimeme says - handling these sort of people effectively can really boost your confidence, but it can be a long drawn-out struggle.

 

Read some of the books out there and use them to develop your own style. Don't focus too much on the fact that other people find this man difficult too. Focus on dealing with him professionally and effectively. Listen to what he's saying, rather than the tone he's saying it in. Tune out the unpleasant, abusive aspects. If you can summon up the courage, respond to him gently but firmly as you would a toddler. Some of these older power-hungry types like being dressed up as a baby and fed bottled milk in their spare time.

[bluejay17]

Originally posted by lindya

Some of these older power-hungry types like being dressed up as a baby and fed bottled milk in their spare time.

 

LOL ...It's funny you say that because my predecessor suggested something similar. I'll look up those books also.

 

Well, in all honesty, I need the experience and I have bills to pay so quitting is not looking like the greatest option. And like moimeme says I can use the situation to become more confident. But this guy is not going to change. He's elderly and he's a founder of the firm. He's been interacting with his subordinates in this manner for over 40 years! Funny that no one has ever tried to stand up to him.

[soccorsilly]

This guy is old. He is probably getting ready to retire or die, so your pain is relatively short lived. If this is your avocation and not just a job, I suggest you stick it out as Moi said.

 

I assume he is a senior partner, and I am not clear if you are an attorney or an administrative clerk, but he could be very well looking for the ONE person who could either take over as partner when he goes, or to run the office.

 

This might be an excellent opportunity to shine. All the other ones bailed but you had the fortitude to stick it out and did not crumble under the pressure. You will get the golden ring.

[HokeyReligions]

I have a boss like that now. I'm supposed to work for the President of the company and the Corporate Development manager. The CDM has been with him for 10 years and has the pres in her back pocket. I didn't find out until AFTER I took the job that there has been a lot of turnover because people don't want to work for her. She has gone around and told people that I'm her personal assistant and there are some who believe her---including the Pres.

 

I stand my ground, but under threat of being laid-off I back down a little---until I find a new job. I've dealt with jerks before and I can handle them, but not when they hire and fire people all the time just to demonstrate their power.

 

I have a CMA file (Cover My Ass) where I have documented EVERYTHING that I have accomplished in spite of the CDM. I have copies of emails and invices, etc. to prove that if she fires me for some stupid made-up reason, I can go to the President and SHOW him that I have indeed done my job. It's a terrible way to work, but keep a CMA file of your own and look at it sometimes to remind yourself of what you have done and to help you keep your self-confidence in place.

 

Try to relax when you have to call this man. If he is abrupt or rude to you, just remain calm and explain that you are doing a good job and getting good results and that if he has some constructive feed-back for you that you would appreciate it as it will help you grow in your career AND better serve the company. If he starts being rude tell him that is not helping you or HIS company.

[bluejay17]

Originally posted by soccorsilly

I assume he is a senior partner, and I am not clear if you are an attorney or an administrative clerk,

 

I'm actually his research assistant and I manage some administrative stuff for him, like publication deadlines and speaking engagements.

 

After hearing what you guys have to say, I think I'll stick it out until I've been there for a year. And then I'll re-evaluate the situation.

[RecordProducer]

Originally posted by bluejay17

So I was thinking that I would be better off somewhere else. Should I start looking for another job?

 

Yes. In any case you should. Too many people quitting the job (or being fired) is not a good sign. It means you're not an idiot for feeling like this, you're just more persistent than others.

However if your income is very good and your boss is the only problem, you might get used to him (and him to you). I know the feeling. I quit a job after 9 working days cuz I couldn't stand the boss.

[lindya]

Originally posted by bluejay17

I'm actually his research assistant and I manage some administrative stuff for him, like publication deadlines and speaking engagements.

 

After hearing what you guys have to say, I think I'll stick it out until I've been there for a year. And then I'll re-evaluate the situation.

 

Hope things improve. Sometimes with these grouchy types their bark is a lot worse than their bite. I can tell you this for free...it's better to work for a grumpy, blunt-speaking but competent old git than to spend your life copping blame for a crap boss's mistakes. I've worked for both types, and if I could only choose between those two types (and I'd rather not) I'd pick the grumpy old git every time. They often form attachments to underlings who can pull of that "good humoured and efficient nanny" sort of thing.

 

Good luck in your mission, Mish Moneypenny

[scarlyjones]

"Only the good die young"

 

 

 

I'd say stick it out for a couple more months,.....if you can stand it. Hopefully this prick will either die,..or retire (or slip into major alzheimers soon) ........Or you know,...if you cannot take it anymore, you could either talk to the boss you DO get along with and maybe they can relay your concerns to him or you could just talk to him about this yourself. If he gets all intimidating about it, then just quit. We spend 75% of our employed lives AT work. The attitude that dominates our day is the one we take from work. Life is TOO short to keep going to a job that makes you feel scared, worthless, depressed, or otherwise. Screw this old battle axed jerk. Get another job lined up and tell this mothball off. Some bridges give off a REAL nice heat when you burn'em right.