emotional issue in relationships

[animo]

This is a topic thats been haunting me for some time. I find it amazing howmany marriages and long term relationship go to hell because one or both parties have some unresolved traumas, insecurity issues, misguided convictions...you name it!

 

So you are an average bloke/gal who is just looking for a steady, loving, long term relationship or marriage. Someone to build up a familie with, someone you can rely on through the thick and the thin. It's almost inevitable that one day your gonna feel like you found that person. Everything is going great and you think you finally found the way you want to spend the rest of your life. Then suddenly *bang* it happens. Your significant other suddenly freaks out, starts distancing him/herself.

 

What can you really do? You love this person, you want them to be happy even if that means your heart is going to be broken in a terrible way. Love makes people blind. It happens to us all and most of the time we cannot identify problems before it is to late. Before they become blatantly obvious you have no idea anything is going on. Before you realize it your left with your grief, heartbroken, deserted, betrayed and lonely. Feeling guilty just because you wish that person would come back in your life and just give you a hugg. Because you want to hear them say everything is going to be ok. Your own selfish desire to be with someone is stronger then your respects for their own desires.

 

Another decade of your life wasted with no significant lessons learned other then the fact that your taking the risk of a lifetime by trusting anyone with your heart. What a miserable way to spend your life if you ever decide to give into it. And why? Whatfor? To what purpose or meaning? There is none, other then the knowledge that if you ever become so lucky to be a parent, you are going to have to take special care not to infect your children with your twisted ideals and misguided moral convictions. Because in all honesty, thats where the root of your own suffering takes its foothold.

 

It all starts with childhood. A fresh and unspoiled new human comes into the world and imidiatly it is handed over into the hands of its parents. Parents who in all likelyhood are already divorced, having second thoughts, feeling insecurities or are just plain hating eachothers guts. I'm not even going to mention the kids that come into the world with not even a parent to rely on, eventhough in some sick twisted way they may have a better chance of living a succesfull life then the majority of the children who DO have parents.

 

I am so sick and tired of waching people instill false fears and doubts into their children. Spooning them with false hopes, dreams, socalled moral values that lead to nothing but cockeyed thinking and disrespect for others opinions. Disrespect for the very nature of human life on earth. Young girls are given a false portrait of what any man they should ever choose should be like. Never pay heath to the fact that the advice is coming from someone (mother Or father) that simply cannot make their own marriage work because they have no idea how, because they were passed on the same cockeyed ramblings from their own parents. They are lead to believe that a good man supports his familie. Now what the hell does that mean? Basically it doesn't mean anything, it could mean everything! So they are just left with the question, free to make up their own minds of whatever it means, following the bad and more then likely traumatizing example of their own parents. And eventually they fill up the holes with what they see from highschool kids who have no idea nor clue as to what it all means themselves. The word shallow strikes me as familiar in this picture.

 

For some reason it seems that boys have it easyer on the preaching detail. Heaven knows why, i think the basic rules of human interaction and building lasting relationships of any kind are the same for all human beings and your sex has little to do with it. Howmany boys are not imprinted with the idea of infidility from square one? Howmany boys are not imprinted with the idea that a women should look a specific way or have certain sizes and measurements, uphold to certain ideals, in order for them to be a propper suiter? If being raised could be compared to an education then the above mentioned material could be classified as totally irrelevant and furthermore damaging to emotional develoment...

 

And then there are the lucky few. The lucky few who had parents who gave carefully weighed, gentle advice. The lucky few who had atleast one parent who saw through the core elements underneath the heaps of pooh. And the lucky few who dispite of it all, found their own way out of the maze.

 

The dark ages are over. The age of conservatism has been spent and all the horrible ideals that accompanied the good ones are still wreacking havoc in mankinds general emotional serinity and sanity. And it becomes ever more clear to me that the age in which every person on earth is in therapy is slowly but surely uppon us. The worst part of it all is that more then likely, therapy is the only way to keep all the heartache from spreading around and touching even those who were lucky enough to get through childhood without already being traumatized.

 

Fidelity is an invention created by mankind. It's a logical decision of the more intelligent mind. It's just one of those things we do to decrease mortality and increase stability in our society. And gee wee, it also seems to lead to more a more happy and hightened state of being. Now wouldn't it be nice if some people knew more about getting into a relationship other then the fact that fidelity is important? I think that would be great!

 

Instead of leaving it all upto the two, more then likely incapable, human beings that put the child in the world i think it's time for educational facilities and society as a whole to keep a closer eye on how our next generation is launched into the world. What good are ramblings about math, economics, philosofy, algebra, biology, chemistry and lord knows what else if we just keeping throwing our children into the world with an emotional education that could be compared to a memory aid note you take to an exam, when you haven't even studied the material?!?

 

Now seriously. I'm not trying to spread utopic ideas here. There will always be shallow people. There will always be coldhearted people. There will always be people who just cannot get along with you or your ideas. But wouldn't it be nice if shallow people actually KNEW they were shallow. If blatant materialists could just accept that they materialists and wouldn't have to treat it as some kind of bad character trait that they should keep to themselves, only to lateron in their relationship start bashing their spouses for not being wealthy enough or for being in their their way of taking the next step up in the carreer ladder...

 

Society needs to stop looking down on people who have issues, they need to stop looking at someone who is in therapy asif they are mentally challenged or just plain crazy. People with deepseethed emotional problems often postpome or just plain refuse to take therapy simply because of this. Or worse yet, if they were somehow along the line infected with the idea that only crazy and mentally challenged people take therapy.

 

I know a person, who is very close to my heart that is suffering in this exact situation. She more then obviously has SERIOUS complexes about her looks. It goes so deep that this person simply cannot lead a normal life anymore. She feels all her dreams and ambitions are being pulled down by this one stupid idea that she should look a specific way. And the worst part of it all is that everytime she pulls herself up out of this crazy delusion...some halfwitted a**h*** filled with idiotic convictions and ideals just comes along and pushes her right back under. To top it off... 'someone' not to say HER PARENTS have long since given her the idea that only crazy people go to therapy and in all my attempts (and they have been plentyfull) i just cannot make her turn a blind eye to them and do what is best for her.

 

I have been in a relationship with this person, for half a decade. And this sort of bull has been undermining our relatioship from day one. Now i am left with a deep grief of losing this person as a partner and lover. All my plans, hopes and dreams for our future have been utterly smashed. I am now deliberatly torturing myself just by staying in touch with her, just because i wanna be there for her even in my feeble attempts to be any kind of emotional support to her, when what i should be doing, what would be emotionally the best choice for me is to just break ways with her untill i've gotten a chance to get over this. But i cannot, i care tomuch about this person to dump her, to let her know that my house is no longer open to her. In my feeble attempt to be there and try to help, i am destroying myself from within.

 

Now should i think about myself? Should i 'move on' like somany people have told me to do? Should i give in to my selfish needs and go about finding the next person to build a future with? While for 5 years this person has been closer to my heart then anyone ever was, while this person has been more then a friend through thick and thin... I'd rather end up on a psychward. And in the end thats where im gonna be. I'm gonna end up being the one in therapy simply for being unwilling to abandon a friend and lost lover in need. And all of this, just because a bunch of thickheaded, ignorent and emotioally challenged tards decided to spread their allknowing wisdom onto an emotionally weak and vulnerable person.

 

Words simply cannot express the impact this whole endavour has had on me. To me there is nothing worse then the desire for someone to be happy and the compleet and total powerlesness that you have in this matter. You want to wrap them in bubble that shields them from all the things that devastate their wellbeing. you want to be there night and day and hold them in your arms and pray they feel better, nurture them with reassuring ideas and keep doing it untill they are strong enough to take on the world. But you can't, you have to let them go, let them go out there in the jungle and then you have to watch them come home devastated and more depressed then the day before. You have to wach them slowly decay and fold under the pressure of society and their halfwitted ideals.

 

I wish i could do something more, but i can't. All i can do is try to remain sane through all this. PRAY that my friend will come out of this stronger and more happy and tell myself every day that my children, if i am ever lucky enough to have them. Will NOT ever be fed, confused and damaged with outragious ideals and misguided moral convictions.

 

I don't know what caused me to post this here. Maybe i just wanted to rant, vent, i don't know. Whatever my reasons, i realize that there are many people on these forums that have problems with their marriage, problems with themselves or their long term relationship. I also realize that atleast some of these people will be parents....

[moimeme]

Society needs to stop looking down on people who have issues, they need to stop looking at someone who is in therapy asif they are mentally challenged or just plain crazy. People with deepseethed (sic) emotional problems often postpome or just plain refuse to take therapy simply because of this. Or worse yet, if they were somehow along the line infected with the idea that only crazy and mentally challenged people take therapy

 

Agreed. That only 'crazy' people need therapy is an idea that should have gone out with candles and quill pens.

 

Words simply cannot express the impact this whole endavour has had on me. To me there is nothing worse then the desire for someone to be happy and the compleet and total powerlesness that you have in this matter. You want to wrap them in bubble that shields them from all the things that devastate their wellbeing. you want to be there night and day and hold them in your arms and pray they feel better, nurture them with reassuring ideas and keep doing it untill they are strong enough to take on the world. But you can't, you have to let them go, let them go out there in the jungle and then you have to watch them come home devastated and more depressed then the day before. You have to wach them slowly decay and fold under the pressure of society and their halfwitted ideals.

 

It's excruciating to give your heart to someone who is on a path of self-destruction. It's one of the sadder realizations of adulthood that you simply can't 'kiss and make better' everybody's hurts. Some people will continue to run headlong towards the cliff and the best efforts of all who love that person are for naught. It's at this point that you have to have the strength to turn someone like that over to God and ask Him to take care of them for you.

 

Think of it this way - if you end up losing your own sanity, then you're no good to anyone, her included. And sometimes the most loving thing you can do is let someone go because every now and then a person will finally get help - but they have to hit bottom first. If you keep them from hitting bottom, you're actually stopping them from getting the help they need.

[animo]

Thanks for that...

 

I realize i've made some bold statements in the above topic that may point soem people the finger.

 

I have thought about the rock bottom and how it may be exactly what is needed for her to move on and get help. I should mention that this is not a first time event. The person in question has had a simular depression in the past and the last time she was lucky enough to have her mother around to stop her from a suicide attempt.

 

This time she is feeling it much more intence because she is an adult now. She has already made statements that perhaps she just needs to hit rock bottom and collapse and then there will be no other option then to be helped, willingly or unwillingly. I do see some truth in this. But i'm afraid, i'm so very afraid of what might happen to her. I don't think if anything happened to her because i left her to her faith, i could ever forgive myself. I'd carry it with me for the rest of my life thinking what if i could have just been there in that moment...

 

I wish i could just let her to her faith. Let her hit rock bottom and get the help she needs that way. I wish i could be there watching over her during that time and make sure nothing happens to her. I feel so powerless to stop this...

[moimeme]

i could ever forgive myself. I'd carry it with me for the rest of my life thinking what if i could have just been there in that moment...

 

It will never be your fault. If you stop her once but she's intent on self-destruction, she will accomplish it eventually. Was she hospitalized after the last attempt, or did mom 'protect' her daughter by keeping it secret? The best thing for that girl would be to be in the hands of professional help, however that comes about. Humans can't fix broken brains with love alone. No amount of love will accomplish the task.

[animo]

She wen't to therapy after that. But soemhow i feel it didn't help her very much. Although she did feel 'better' for years afterwards. I met her about 2 years after the first incident. She seemed like a perfectly healthy, happy girl. Although i always felt like something was bothering her and sometimes she would react very extreemly to certain situation like us having an argument or a simular thing.

 

So now she is kind of in the same boat again, only according to herself it's worse this time but she can control it better. I don't know WHY she doesn't want to go to therapy. I think she feels that noone can help her and that she is tired of talking about it because it will never change anyway...

 

In any case. Currently she just wants to escape it all, go out with soem friends and just have fun. So i'm trying to make myself availeble as much as possible to go out with her and have some fun. I hope it helps get her mind off things untill maybe she becomes a bit stronger again and well....i will just have to wait and see and hope for the best...

[Illusion24]

You have no idea what your story just did to me...I'm in tears!