My ex-wife still punishes me

[jangle04]

Well I'm back. I've posted my story here before and I've now been separated about six months.

 

My soon to be ex-wife burnt me really bad. Now the problem is that I don't understand why she calls me everyday to give me hell about something with the kids or bills or etc..... She is just so damn hateful and acts like I'm the one who did something wrong. I honestly think she has ice running through her veins.

 

She had to get a second job on Friday and Saturday nights night shift to help support herself. The problem is she only gets them a couple of nights during the week and I now have them every weekend. She only gets them about four hours on Saturday during the day and has stopped spending anytime with them on Sundays. It makes it hard for me to have a life.

 

I met a wonderful girl who treats me nice and I am very happy now evern though I'm taking it slow. I have seen how it is to be treated good now and I could never go back nor do I want to. I want nothing to do with the ex.

 

What the h#ll is her problem though. Why does she call and scream at me about something everyday. Is it because I won't talk to her about anything besides the kids. Does she regret it and has so much anger in her. Why doesn't she seem to care about her kids. I'm just can't understand it. It's not my fault she had to get a second job on the weekends and I shouldn't be punished for it. I've been punished enough.

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by jangle04

Why does she call and scream at me about something everyday.

 

It's because you let her.

 

Stop taking her calls. If she wants to talk about something....let her e-mail it. If it's an emergency, give her a contact person who can reach you at all times.

 

The whole point of being divorced is that you don't have to put up with that kind of psycho-abuse anymore.

[reservoirdog1]

Intellectually, I know what the solution is. However, I know from my own experience that it's hell to put into practice.

 

I had a lot of difficulty avoiding getting drawn into fights with my ex. The reason is, when you've been with somebody long enough, they know how to push your buttons. Plus there's the residual emotional connection, coupled with (in our cases) the s***ty things they did to us.

 

So, what you should try to do is, hang up on her every time her speech crosses a certain decibel threshold. Just say, "I'm not going to have this conversation. Call back when you're able to continue it at an acceptable volume." Then hang up.

 

And, you don't have to speak to her except about the kids. You don't have to be her friend -- friends don't do to friends what she did to you. So she doesn't like it? Tough luck. If interacting with her as little as possible is what you need in order to get some closure, then that's what you do. Your needs are now paramount, hers are secondary. If that.

[WithOrWithoutYou]

Originally posted by reservoirdog1

Intellectually, I know what the solution is. However, I know from my own experience that it's hell to put into practice.

 

I had a lot of difficulty avoiding getting drawn into fights with my ex. The reason is, when you've been with somebody long enough, they know how to push your buttons. Plus there's the residual emotional connection, coupled with (in our cases) the s***ty things they did to us.

 

So, what you should try to do is, hang up on her every time her speech crosses a certain decibel threshold. Just say, "I'm not going to have this conversation. Call back when you're able to continue it at an acceptable volume." Then hang up.

 

And, you don't have to speak to her except about the kids. You don't have to be her friend -- friends don't do to friends what she did to you. So she doesn't like it? Tough luck. If interacting with her as little as possible is what you need in order to get some closure, then that's what you do. Your needs are now paramount, hers are secondary. If that.

 

Excellent thoughts, and I agree 100%. I think the other suggestion, about changing your cell number, and giving her a contact person's number she can use in emergencies regarding the kids, and doing everything else by email, is also a good one.

 

You mentioned that having the kids on the weekend is making it hard for you to have a life (which probably includes making it hard to spend time with the new woman in your life). The reason I posted, is to suggest that if the new woman is very special, and it looks like she is going to work out as far as the two of you having a relationship, you may wish to consider including her more in your time on the weekends with the kids. Go out and do things with her AND the kids, so she can get to know them, and you can all have a great time together. I know that there are fewer "romantic moments" with the kids around, but you are a dad, and your new love interest knows that, and my guess is she would be happy to get to know them, and do things with you and the kids.