My second breakup

[mefisto]

Guys, i know that there were thousands of threads like that and i personally have read a lot those. I know every cliche thats related to the situation, I've read a lot of guides how to handle breakups. But all that knowledge is useless to me now. I know that nobody gonna help me until i will help myself. But please, guys, talk some sense into me. Or dont, just talk with me about your experiences in this field. Some will probably judge me because to some people breakups are not serious issues and they are partly right. But still, its very hurtful.

Today my ex-girlfriend broke up with me. She was my second girlfriend and i thought that second breakup would be easier that the first. Turned out i was wrong. No words can describe variety of feelings that i experienced today. I know its so cliche and boring thing to say, but it feels like the end of the world to me. I invested so many time and emotions in this relationship. I dreamed about building a future together for both of us. But she didnt want it. She became more cold to me one month ago and since then she slowly faded away. I did what i could to prevent this outcome and all was in vain. Two weeks ago i began preparing myself for the breakup, just in case. I builded this situation so many times in my head to get ready for it. And now, when it finally happened, i wasnt ready at all. THough it wasnt surprise, i was in shock when i read her message. And after that this day was...well, its indescribable. I know that now im in very load road full of pain and misery. And im really scared to go down that road. Please help me to get my mind on right track.

I miss her already so much and its been just one day.

[Ellie35]

Hey,

 

You have been here before. Breaking up is a process and you are bound to feel ****ty for a while!! Accept and expect that. Begin no contact and practise being super kind and wonderful to yourself. Your not alone.

[Beckyc]

I am with you I have just told my ex that it is well and truly over he dumped me 5 weeks ago and has been playing with since as I have been trying to get him back I am on day one to heel and not get back together again you should do the same I know it hurts like hell but we can do this. Trying to get them back is hopeless I believe me hurts more I know we will feel better I am sure feeling for you.

[mefisto]

Right now im in tough emotional roller coaster. Morning and nights are hardest times for me. Meanwhile im trying to stop fighting the pain and instead im trying to accepting it. Is it good way to go? How to draw a line between accepting pain and wallowing in it?

Also, i have trouble with sleeping. Because of it i started to use tranquilizers. I wonder if there is some established level of pain that i have to endure. I mean, does numbing my emotions with tranquilizers have any sense?

And about my biggest hardship. Im having troubles with filling the hole in my loneliness. While dating this girl, i got used to sharing with her a lot of thoughts and ideas i had. I consider myself like very thinking person. There are a lot of thoughts which are rolling in my head all the time, about life, love, philosophy, art, cinema, literature, history, religion and other matters. In our relationship, before meeting with her in person, i always thought about what im gonna discuss with her. I planned a lot of speeches and thought patterns that i liked sharing with her. Maybe she hated it because she thought it was boring, but she never confessed in it even if i asked directly about it. So, i had impression that she liked it and, honestly, i saw that she was interested in having those discussions with me, most of the times. My point is - now i have nobody to share those thoughts. I mean, i have three friends, who are good guys and i value their friendship a lot. I have my mother who likes to talk with me. I have internet, where i could create a thread on thousands of forums and imageboards or create my personal blog or chat with someone in social media. But all of that is not good enough for me as having smart girlfriend who is interested in having conversations with me. Im not talking about serious discussions only.. We loved to write each other on skype about everything that was coming into our minds. We made jokes, made plans, discussed various news and events in our city and the world in general, talked about whats going on in our lives. And now i theoretically can do the same with you, loveshack guys, or with my friends. But thats not the same. I really miss the feelings of live conversation and deep connection with person. I miss it so much.

And i wanted to ask - if its good idea to watch film "500 days of summer"? I never watched it because i thought it was too "vanilla'. But now, i read reviews, and understood that that movie is more about the breakup than relationship itself. Am i right? Will this movie hurt me or help to realize something useful?

Edited September 17, 2015 by mefisto

[mefisto]

I wonder why this forum section feels so empty nowadays compared to "break-up" section. People used to talk here much more often with each other than now. I see a lot of threads with 1-2 replies and its sad that people cant get support here anymore.

Anyway, i wanted to try and continue sharing my issues and maybe someone would help out me here.

Im going through strange cycle. Its like watching a movie. Random moments of our relationship, bad and good, are appearing in my head without any order and bringing a lot of pain with them.

And i found out that i started idealizing ex-girlfriend. Im thinking about her character, her qualities, her personality and she looks like best person in the world for me. To fight this idealization i tried to concentrate on her physical and personal negative traits, which she certainly had, but, strange thing, they dont look repulsive to me at all. All of this makes my healing process harder because i get the feeling like i lost the love of my life, best suited person for me in the world. On logical level, i understand, that if she was like that, she wouldnt broke up with me. But on emotional level i dont understand it. Too struggle with it i tried to look on variety of girls in social media. Not for dating purpose, i just tried to see if anyone could appear to me as person who is better than my ex. There were definitely more beautiful and prettier girls, but i couldnt find anyone who had the same interests as my ex had. And thats more important to me than any physical appearance. I wonder if i will meet anyone ever, who will be able to beat my ex in understanding my passions in art and life, like she did. I seriously doubt it.

 

And about analyze of the past - im not sure exactly what i did wrong. I really tried to avoid mistakes that i made in first relationship and i successfully avoided most of them. After my first breakup i nearly killed myself with guilt and thoughts like "if i did X and Y she would still be with me". Now im not sure what X and Y are. Of course i made a lot of small mistakes, but i didnt make no really serious **** ups. And because of it, my guilt transformed in big thought pattern, that i "wasnt good enough for her in general" instead of feeling guild over certain things. I feel if i was more funny, supportive, interesting, confident, skillful, better in bed and etc, that things would have been different. But in that case i would be myself anymore. My self-esteem is wounded because of this realization.

 

Besides all of that i found out that my friends cant help me to fill the hole in my social life that suddenly appeared. I'll try to make my social horizons my wider. Soon i'll join english teaching course and literature club. I doubt that i'll find anyone there to be friends with, but i hope i will. If i wont work out, how should i come to terms with my loneliness?