Disgusted at myself for affair

[Lovetoohard]

I have been lurking this website for a couple of weeks now as I nurse my bruised but recovering heart. I broke up with my MM a little less than a month ago after being involved for around 6 months. Thankfully I had the sense to rip that band aid off before I had gotten more invested in the relationship. Like many of you, I thought that my relationship was unique and that I was special but after reading many articles and the stories on here, I am a cliché, but I will share my story nonetheless.

 

The beginning:

 

I was single, had moved to a new city with very few friends, unfamiliar surroundings and a virtually non-existent dating prospects. We met at work over a year ago and became fast friends. While I thought he was flirtatious (not just with me, but with other women in the group), I never really reciprocated and didn’t think much of it as I knew he was married and had two young kids. Over the course of a few months, we became really good friends and worked really well together. I casually mentioned a professional work-related networking event that a bunch of people from the office were going to and he was interested in joining. It was at a wine bar and he showed up well after everyone was gone, so I felt bad and stayed for a drink. We ended up dancing, talking and having a ton of fun. During the course of the evening, he was touchy feely and eventually told me he was attracted to me, at which I laughed and reminded him that he was married. Nothing happened beyond that. A few weeks later, after a particularly politically charged conversation with him, I innocently said that that was a conversation that was meant to be had over drinks, and not in the office. While I thought it was an innocent remark, he took it to mean that it was an invitation to ask me out, which he did. At this point, I knew that it would be a date and admittedly, compartmentalized the fact that he was married and had two kids. We had a great time and made out, but the guilt was eating away at me so I pushed him away and told him to go home to his wife and kids. At this point, he had dropped the dreaded “I love you,” which I did not utter back to him. We resumed our normal work-friend relationship but that didn’t last for too much longer….we went on another date, and another, and another and before you know it, we’re having a full-blown affair.

 

I prodded several times as to why he had picked to have an affair after 11 years of marriage and two kids later. He initially said they were going through a rough patch and then after subsequent questions from me, made it appear that she was a non-caring wife, the burden of the family was solely on his shoulders, the sex was non-existent, she was physically unfit, controlling, etc. He never spoke ill of her, I just gathered these things from random complaints here and there.

 

During the affair:

 

While the initial “honeymoon” period was full of highs, I neglected to see the red flags. He was temperamental, argumentative, needy, selfish and self absorbed, secretive, etc., all of which I overlooked. He was also putting in minimal effort and not planning dates or carving out quality time for us. The time spent together increased as his wife and kids left to go to away for the summer (mysteriously) and to hang out with her inlaws, but the personality flaws mentioned above still existed. I felt oddly helpless and controlled by him. In spite of those nagging feelings, I hung on to the highs and forgave the lows (like for example, when he couldn’t pick up the phone when I called to tell him about a death in my family and didn’t do much but text me condolences).

 

Reality check:

 

There was a part of me that really wanted to “win” him and as messed up as it sounds, I kept doing little thoughtful things, planned a nice beach vacation, showed up love and support, responded to texts and calls while dropping everything else, etc. But, all of a sudden, the reality was that his family came first no matter what. He picks up his wife’s calls no matter what he’s doing, he does really sweet things for his kids, spends the money and time on their home, cares about their future finances, etc. And I was his plaything on the side. Somebody that he could text/call back if he wanted to or not. Somebody he was never accountable to. Somebody he had to never put any effort into. Somebody whose feelings, needs, and wants he didn’t have to understand and consider. Somebody he could blow up in anger at when feelings, needs and wants were communicated and never apologize. Somebody he didn’t have to respect. Somebody who he could take for granted and walk all over. Somebody who would prioritize him but he didn’t have to prioritize. Somebody he didn’t have to nurse when sick. Somebody I had to be single for, but he didn’t have to be single for me. And it goes on and on…

 

The breakup:

 

I had never felt so disgusted at myself for lowering my standards to this level. I ripped that bandaid right off. We never had a discussion. I simply told him that this I wanted to get out of this and it was over. His sense of entitlement lead him to blow up in anger, but I didn’t care. I would simply go about work as I normally would and it was up to him to act professionally. He acted in a hostile manner towards me for a few days, at which I proceeded to have a confidential conversation with my boss on how to handle it. MM suspected I might have told my boss, but frankly, I didn’t care. I just wanted to do my job and not feel weird at work.

 

Post-breakup:

 

He called about a week after I dumped him and rehashed the breakup conversation in a rather erratically emotional way. He also future faked and said he was working on learning about the divorce process through his divorced buddies. He also said that I should have been patient and not panicked and that he was exactly where I was with my feelings. He then proceeded to turn it around on me and said I hadn’t supported him and didn’t stand by him upon his family’s return and as life resumed to his routine and he was disappointed and how can I expect a committed relationship after only 6 months and that what is he supposed to do? Dump his wife and kids? It was the most ridiculous conversation I have ever had.

 

Present day (1 month after breakup):

 

It has been limited contact since then. We are cordial at work and I have reached out for some work related questions, purely to revert back to normalcy. I have interestingly noticed that he tends to prioritize our work conversations and blows off calls with others and stays on the phone with me for a good 45 mins or so when he doesn’t have to. I realized that my reaching out isn’t doing any good and that we can never really be friends again (which I miss) and that leaves the door open for not healing and not being able to move on. While the pain has subsided, I have maintained NC for the last couple of weeks and I’m getting better. The sound of his voice in the hallway or his name on a work email still makes my heart drop, but I am doing much better. I am wondering how long I can maintain NC and whether he will re-open the door. While I admit that there is a part of me that might cave, I am feeling healthier and less volatile with my feelings. I hope that he goes back to focusing on his marriage, but I have a gut feeling he will venture outside of his marriage and look for some excitement again. He just seems like the type who’s done this before. I feel sorry for his wife and children and pray that he gains the maturity to be good partner and parent.

Edited September 16, 2015 by Lovetoohard
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[Artie Lang]

live and learn, i guess.

 

two questions: 1) have you ever thought of a change in scenery... as in finding another job away from the potential "drama." has it crossed your mind? 2) do you see yourself dating anyone, anytime soon? would you tell them you were/are coming out of an affair-type of "situation"... seeing a MM, is what i mean?

[gettingstronger]

I can understand being mad at yourself- I think we have all experienced that in one way or another-

 

Take that and use it to grow- what made you vulnerable, what flags did you ignore and why- how will you protect yourself in relationships in the future from being "that way"

 

Hang in there-

[Lovetoohard]

live and learn, i guess.

 

two questions: 1) have you ever thought of a change in scenery... as in finding another job away from the potential "drama." has it crossed your mind? 2) do you see yourself dating anyone, anytime soon? would you tell them you were/are coming out of an affair-type of "situation"... seeing a MM, is what i mean?

 

Artie,

 

To answer your questions:

 

1) I have a pretty great job and just got a recent promotion. I am willing to wait to let this discomfort pass and blow over and not let this hinder my career. Also, I feel rather stubbornly about it and won't let a guy run me off. Thankfully, he is a colleague on the same level and not a superior.

2) I really want to get back into dating but i feel having to endure the inevitable bad dates will be discouraging and lead me to compare him to the chemistry and excitement I felt when I was with him. I need someone fantastic to move onto to to forget about this guy. I would not tell them I was coming out of an affair type situation. I know that is a really big omission, but this "phase" wasn't representative of my overall character and values.

[Lovetoohard]

I can understand being mad at yourself- I think we have all experienced that in one way or another-

 

Take that and use it to grow- what made you vulnerable, what flags did you ignore and why- how will you protect yourself in relationships in the future from being "that way"

 

Hang in there-

 

Thank your for your encouraging words and for taking the time to read my long-winded post This was certainly a big lesson.

[Lovetoohard]

I have a couple of questions on how to deal with the following:

 

1) MM's birhday is coming up in a couple if weeks. Should I wish

him? Even though the relationship didn't work out, he had been helpful with work related matters and encouraged me on the tough projects I was dealing with and stayed on the phone for like 45 mins or so with me talking me through things. I feel like there's a shred of work-colleague courtesy owed.

 

2) he owes me money i had loaned him. I had sent him an email with the amount and a courteous "no rush" about it over 3 weeks ago but never received an acknowledgment back. It's a good chunk of money and he should do the right thing and pay it back. He had verbally mentioned "i owe you money" before I had sent that email so I am not sure how to proceed. Thoughts?

Edited September 16, 2015 by Lovetoohard
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[unluckycharms]

Congratulations on making a clean break (or as clean as can be) from him. I did not do nearly as well in breaking up with mine and I hated myself for it so you sound like a very strong person.

 

I have a couple of questions on how to deal with the following:

 

1) MM's birhday is coming up in a couple if weeks. Should I wish

him? Even though the relationship didn't work out, he had been helpful with work related matters and encouraged me on the tough projects I was dealing with and stayed on the phone for like 45 mins or so with me talking me through things. I feel like there's a shred of work-colleague courtesy owed.

 

2) he owes me money i had loaned him. I had sent him an email with the amount and a courteous "no rush" about it over 3 weeks ago but never received an acknowledgment back. It's a good chunk of money and he should do the right thing and pay it back. He had verbally mentioned "i owe you money" before I had sent that email so I am not sure how to proceed. Thoughts?

 

1. I don't think you should wish him a happy birthday unless everyone else in the office is wishing him one too (my office is not like this, but yours may be different). Otherwise, dont do it. He will take it as a sign that you still have feelings for him because you remembered his special day. He may even take it to mean that you want to reinitiate regular contact. It sounds like he is self-centered and has an inflated ego, so he is likely misinterpret even basic niceties as you making a move on him.

 

2. I would send an email putting all the details of the loan in writing and requesting repayment - maybe give him a friendly heads up that you're doing it just to create a paper trail and since you need the money for rent/bills/etc. next month. That said, if he doesn't want pay it would be pretty hard to force him to. I personally would not fight him on it if he didn't respond to the first email at the risk of bringing up old feelings of anger or, worse yet, attraction.

 

Good luck!

[Grapesofwrath]

I have a couple of questions on how to deal with the following:

 

1) MM's birhday is coming up in a couple if weeks. Should I wish

him? Even though the relationship didn't work out, he had been helpful with work related matters and encouraged me on the tough projects I was dealing with and stayed on the phone for like 45 mins or so with me talking me through things. I feel like there's a shred of work-colleague courtesy owed.

 

2) he owes me money i had loaned him. I had sent him an email with the amount and a courteous "no rush" about it over 3 weeks ago but never received an acknowledgment back. It's a good chunk of money and he should do the right thing and pay it back. He had verbally mentioned "i owe you money" before I had sent that email so I am not sure how to proceed. Thoughts?

 

Love: I hope you are feeling a tiny bit better and brighter today. I wrote a long response to your original post last night, but it disappeared. In any case, please know that I understand what you're going through. It's painful. I think you dodged a bullet here, as he sounds a bit unstable emotionally and I don't think this would have ended well for you had it continued. If there was a DDay, that could have been disastrous.

 

Also, he sounds like a serial cheater to me and that can only spell more heartache for you. Maintain your distance. You put your hand on the stove and it got burned. So why put your hand back on the stove?

 

In any case, to answer your questions:

 

1) I don't think he is owed a birthday greeting from you. If you run into him, by chance, then perhaps a verbal acknowledgement of his birthday, otherwise leave it alone.

 

2) I am disappointed to hear that he is the sort of man who would borrow money from you and then not pay you back. (don't tell me he used that money to finance something for his family.) he has forced you into the awkward position of chasing him down for the money. He may be hoping that you will forget about it, now that you are in LC. I would suggest that you send him another email, keeping it totally neutral emotionally, reminding him that he owes you the sum that he does. Ask him when he plans to pay you back, as that money was provided as a loan, not a gift. I know it's tempting to soften the request with language like "don't rush" or "whenever is fine" or "just wondering." Please avoid doing that. Be clear and concise, and assert your boundary.

Edited September 16, 2015 by Grapesofwrath
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[Lovetoohard]

Thanks for the great advice! No birthday wish unless I bump into him. Also, I will send an simple reminder for the money he owes me. The money was actually to partially help him with his student loan during a period where cash flow was supposedly tight and the remainder was towards his portion of a vacation we took together.

 

I did briefly see him walk down the hall today at a distance and it made my stomach do a flip. I really was liking the out of sight, out of mind thing since he's been holed up in his office for the last couple weeks and I hadn't seen him. This threw me in a minor tailspin.

[CarrieT]

Other lesson learned: Don't EVER lend money to someone without a promissory note.

 

Resign yourself to the fact that you may never see the return of the loan.

[Ms. Faust]

I am pretty on point with my finances, so loaning money to a boyfriend... especially a married boyfriend... would be such a turnoff to me.

 

On the birthday thing I don't see any point in you going out of your way to tell him happy birthday. It would lead him to believe the door is open.

 

Good luck in keeping with your resolve.

[Artie Lang]

loaning money to a boyfriend... especially a married boyfriend... would be such a turnoff to me.

 

downright embarrassing, if you ask me. i mean, seriously... you can juggle two women at the same time, but suck at keeping up with your finances. if that doesn't scream immaturity, i don't know what does.

 

 

you seem to be able to compartmentalize and detach rather easily- that's good in a sense. judging from your somewhat blasé attitude toward the whole thing, there really isn't very much in the form of regret in you. you pretty much got tired of the whole thing and did away with it in simple fashion. i guess what i'm trying to say is, what's to stop you from getting involved with another MM? what if another "involved" man piqued your interest, would you dive right in and become the OW again, because that's what i'm getting here.

[ladydesigner]

There was a part of me that really wanted to “win” him and as messed up as it sounds, I kept doing little thoughtful things, planned a nice beach vacation, showed up love and support, responded to texts and calls while dropping everything else, etc. But, all of a sudden, the reality was that his family came first no matter what. He picks up his wife’s calls no matter what he’s doing, he does really sweet things for his kids, spends the money and time on their home, cares about their future finances, etc. And I was his plaything on the side. Somebody that he could text/call back if he wanted to or not. Somebody he was never accountable to. Somebody he had to never put any effort into. Somebody whose feelings, needs, and wants he didn’t have to understand and consider. Somebody he could blow up in anger at when feelings, needs and wants were communicated and never apologize. Somebody he didn’t have to respect. Somebody who he could take for granted and walk all over. Somebody who would prioritize him but he didn’t have to prioritize. Somebody he didn’t have to nurse when sick. Somebody I had to be single for, but he didn’t have to be single for me. And it goes on and on…

 

This was very true of my WH's 3 year A with MOW. Not one time did he not spend the night with me or spend a day away from home. He would ALWAYS answer my calls and yes everything was taken care of and paid for by my WH. My WH also worked on the house.

 

I will never understand what it is that kept MOW so hooked on the line. My WH must have shown her in other ways, but what is quoted above was totally true in our case and still has not changed, although he did finally end the A. I think it was mutual on both their parts because there was an OOW too and MOW had no idea. She felt just as betrayed as I did.

[Lovetoohard]

"you seem to be able to compartmentalize and detach rather easily- that's good in a sense. judging from your somewhat blasé attitude toward the whole thing, there really isn't very much in the form of regret in you. you pretty much got tired of the whole thing and did away with it in simple fashion. i guess what i'm trying to say is, what's to stop you from getting involved with another MM? what if another "involved" man piqued your interest, would you dive right in and become the OW again, because that's what i'm getting here."

 

Artie, NC had been helping with compartmentalizing but that only lasted for so long. Saw him around the office and wished him happy birthday and had a brief work-related conversation. But I was not invited to his birthday lunch with our other coworkers and it hurt pretty badly. I feel like the progress I had made is down the toilet. My feelings throughout this have been a crazy pendulum...I can feel guilt, remorse, angry, nonchalant, hopeless, unlovable, obsessive longing, calm, detached, self pity, at peace, confident, etc. all in one day. The feeling of playing second fiddle crushed my self esteem and made me feel out of control with my feelings....there is no way I am willing to go through this again with another MM. All for a dead end too. No way.

Edited September 19, 2015 by Lovetoohard
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[Lobouspo]

Sounds like you would really benefit from some therapy. What is wrong with your self esteem to not only fall for a married man with small children, but with financial problems as well?

[Midwestmissy]

Here's my thought on the birthday thing at work - not just the op, who made her decision, but in general. It's a boundary issue. Granted not a big one, but it does invite the mixing of personal and business. When the lines start to get blurred is where other stuff comes in. Even the op knows that going to have cake with the mm in a crowd is crossing a personal boundary she set for herself.

 

In my experience, it was mostly women who did the bday parties - it was bonding and fun. But in my h company, one of my first flags was when the mow bday showed up on our home iCal. Wtf? When I asked him about it (I was clueless at this point, but still unsettled) he had an odd reaction about how I didn't understand his industry and how this is just what they do. The mow had decided that everyone's birthdays should be on the calendar to make the workplace more personal. More reason to spend time together to unwind. And of course he was celebrated by everyone on his day, and I thought as the boss it was unprofessional and told him as much. Of course he told me I was emotionally off base. Which I wasn't. I don't think he'd even have a lunch meeting alone with a female anymore. Losing the respect of others was hard for someone who identifies strongly with his work persona.