violet1 Posted September 16, 2015 Share Posted September 16, 2015 I don't want to go into the details of why, but I'm to the point that I'm strongly considering divorce. This is not about past infidelity btw. I'm scared, but I'm not sure we can fix this mess anymore. I don't want a divorce, but my H and I fight all of the time now. Or he gives me and my stepdaughter (his daughter) silent treatments for days at a time. Family therapy is not helping. I've tried talking to him, but it doesn't do any good. He's become so mean and angry. I don't know what to do. My SD said if my H and I divorce, she doesn't want to live with him. I just hate this! Her mom passed away and she's almost 16. I wanted to enjoy the last few years we have her at home, but instead I'm in the middle of their constant fighting. I just can't be the referee anymore. It's a war zone in my home. I feel like my only option is to start preparing myself for D. I'm going to start looking for either a higher paying job or different 2nd job. I need to make sure both of us are ok financially. We don't own our house, we rent and our lease is over. We are on a month to month basis now. I think I'm going to start looking into places to rent. I'm not sure of the best ways to prepare myself. Any suggestions would be wonderful. Link to post Share on other sites
LoveMyCat Posted September 16, 2015 Share Posted September 16, 2015 If he won't do counseling, do it on your own, to better prepare yourself for what is ahead. Your SD might benefit too, from counseling. Is there any she could be allowed to live with you until she is eighteen? It sounds like he has checked out, more or less. I lived with a depressed, angry husband who never talked for the last several years of our marriage and it wore away at me, killed my self-esteem etc...I finally moved to an apartment and we are in the midst of divorce. Being away from that atmosphere changed everything for me. So much happier and more relaxed. Money is tight but I don't even care. Talk to a lawyer too. You may as well get the info you will probably need. If you don't own a home and do not have children together, a divorce should be fairly simple, except for the care and housing of your step-daughter. I hope that can be worked out. Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted September 16, 2015 Share Posted September 16, 2015 The best preparation is what you mentioned - getting the best job you can and making as much money as you can. Next, you need to evaluate whether you would still want to D if you didn't get time with your step daughter. It is a possibility that you may not. Then you need to speak with a lawyer and get the papers drawn up. Link to post Share on other sites
Author violet1 Posted September 16, 2015 Author Share Posted September 16, 2015 We have gone to marriage counseling off and on for the last three years. It did help with a lot of issues for awhile I thought. We've had a lot of problems with my SD since last January though. We've been going to family therapy ever since. It was starting to go well for awhile and our therapist had even commented on it. SD had a big event last Summer that was very expensive and she didn't include him in something that would be special to any dad. This really hurt him and when he gets hurt he reacts with complete anger. Their relationship has gone to complete hell again ever since. They fight constantly and I get thrown in the middle. Or my husband takes it out on me and blames me. Last week during therapy, he and SD were fighting so bad, my H walked out. This is killing me. I don't feel like anyone understands where I'm from. I'm so lost and confused. I also lost my mom as a teenager and my dad is not really in the picture. I talk to him only if he wants or needs something from me. I don't really have any parents. I don't want this to happen to my H and his daughter. I want them to be close. If we were to divorce, I would want her to be with her father. I have no legal rights to her. I feel like I'm the glue to their relationship. If I leave, I fear she'll run away. I fear that he will completely break down and lose it. My H has anxiety and deppression, but he refuses to take medication regularly. I honestly love him and I don't want this. I don't want a divorce, but I'm so torn. I can't live walking on egg shells. I can't live feeling like I just suck and can't do anything right. I can't even hold the tears back because I feel so sad. My head tells me to at least prepare myself for the worst, but my heart tells me to hold on. How long do you wait for things to get better? I don't know what my next step should be. Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted September 16, 2015 Share Posted September 16, 2015 Step daughter could always ask for emancipation from dad in order to live with you. At the very least The SD is old enough to have a say in who she wants to stay with. That will raise some red flags with the court. You both could visit with him after divorce and tell him you will only visit when he is calm and peaceful. I'll bet he try harder once you both leave. But I don't know, you don't sound like someone who is really ready to divorce. You just sound frustrated and scared but not ready to divorce. Have you told your H that you've thought about D? Honestly you should spend most of your time finding a better job, rather than mopping (because that's unproductive) Link to post Share on other sites
Clay Posted September 16, 2015 Share Posted September 16, 2015 Have you considered a trial separation? C Link to post Share on other sites
redrock1 Posted September 16, 2015 Share Posted September 16, 2015 Wow, you definitely sound like you've been through a lot of ups and downs with you H and SD. I'm so sorry things seem to have gotten so bad. But your SD sounds fortunate that she has you in her life. I know ideally she'd be leaning on her dad right now, but it's wonderful you're willing to be there for her. As far as some advice, it sounds like you were on the right track with the marriage and family counseling. Although I realize you can't force your H and SD to seek help if they don't want to. But have you considered just seeing a counselor on your own? They may be able to give you some guidance as far as what the future holds for your marriage and how to best be there for you SD. Just a thought. But I'll definitely be praying for you. I know this is such a confusing and painful position to be, but keep us posted on how you're doing... Link to post Share on other sites
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