She had an ONS, now she's "SOOOOOO" "remorseful" and wants to save the marriage

[autumnnight]

Here's a question, OP, and really think about it:

 

If your wife is 100% sincere, there are NO more secrets or details she left out, and she works humbly and diligently to help restore things....how do you believe you will see her in 2 years....5 years....8 years?

 

The answer to that will give you confirmation. I believe reconciliation is all or nothing. Staying "legal" while being in a miserable angry victim/vile sinner dynamic is not recovery. Staying legal while in a "I'll bang her but I'll make sure I vent about how awful she is" is not recovery. Spending your twilight years telling strangers who much you wish you'd left her in the dust is not recovery.

 

You need resolution and a possibility of a fulfilling future. So do your kids. Trust me, trying to suck it up and deal with a horrific betrayal while secretly hating the mother of your children is not going to be a good life for anybody. Do better for yourself than that.

[Whatnotagain]

I agree with one of the other posts here that this was not a ONS. This is an emotional affair that likely went on for weeks and months that turned physical when there was an opportunity for the two of them to be together. Alcohol is always a lame excuse and is the scapegoat for many poor decisions and poor behavior. Does your wife really have a drinking problem to the point that she makes poor choices every time she drinks? If not then don't believe that sad excuse.

 

As for your kids, this is where it is going to be tough for you. I am 20 years post divorce from my first wife, with multiple children, who are now all adults. I would be lying to myself if I did not admit that the divorce had a negative impact on them. I am also 17 years into my second marriage and have found myself in roughly the same place that I was 20 years ago. I left a cheater to gain a life, to gain a cheater again. But I have a different perspective of the situation given the years of raising my other children in a divided family. For the sake of my nine year old son I will at least try to reconcile this time. I can tell you that when there are children involved you will never truly get away from your wife. Your lives will always be entangled whether you like it or not.

[Mr. Lucky]

But, if I were a betting man, I would lay money on the fact that she would never do this again. She confessed immediately, shows a lot of remorse and pain, and has seen how much it hurt you.

 

Given most people in the OP's situation - 20 year history of fidelity, good marriage, satisfying sex life, etc. - would lay long odds their spouse wouldn't stray in the first place, don't think he'd take the bet.

 

In poker terms, having already gone all-in and lost, he's tapped out...

 

Mr. Lucky

[autumnnight]

I'm trying to figure out exactly how hypothesizing about the genetics of children, creating a hypothetical relationship out of the professed ONS, and speculation of how many others there were helps the OP. Are these trains of thought that will help you to make your decision, OP? Do you doubt that your children are yours? Do you believe that you have been blind to multiple men walking in and out of your wife's life for 20 years?

[TX-SC]

Given most people in the OP's situation - 20 year history of fidelity, good marriage, satisfying sex life, etc. - would lay long odds their spouse wouldn't stray in the first place, don't think he'd take the bet.

 

In poker terms, having already gone all-in and lost, he's tapped out...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

True. But, she confessed on her own. It just doesn't sound like a serial cheater. UNLESS there is more to this and the OM threatened to tell the H.

[sandylee1]

Some people seem to think that just because a WS is remorseful, you should reconcile. Reconciliation isn't for everyone and the OP IS one of them. It's his choice to not continue living with a spouse who cheated on him.

 

A WS risks the demise of their marriage once they cheat. It really is that simple.

 

I'm sorry for your situation and this horrible betrayal. The way people don't take marriage serious enough or realise what they have to loose is unbelievable.

 

Please look after yourself.

[autumnnight]

Some people seem to think that just because a WS is remorseful, you should reconcile. Reconciliation isn't for everyone and the OP IS one of them. It's his choice to not continue living with a spouse who cheated on him.

 

A WS risks the demise of their marriage once they cheat. It really is that simple.

 

I'm sorry for your situation and this horrible betrayal. The way people don't take marriage serious enough or realise what they have to loose is unbelievable.

 

Please look after yourself.

 

Exactly. Reconciliation - ACTUAL reconciliation takes....I don't even know what it takes, honestly, I have never done it. Choosing to summarily break your marriage vows is supremely selfish and it cannot be undone once done. There is no shame in not being able to put Humpty Dumpty back together again. In fact, I find walking away when you know you cannot truly reconcile to be very honorable.

[BetrayedH]

I once saw statistics about couples that were two years post Dday. Of those where a voluntary confession occurred, 70% remained together. Of those where the affair was instead discovered, only 35% remained together (and only half of those reported the relationship as being "happy").

 

My point is that for most people, having a truly remorseful wayward spouse matters to them. Unless this was a pre-emptive confession (where she may have been outed otherwise due to a job loss, etc) then I'd say her confession speaks to true remorse. If it's true that she also turned in her notice, requested that she work away from the OM until she was done, has otherwise remained NC with the OM, and has signed herself up for individual counseling, then I'd say you have even more reason to believe that she's truly remorseful.

 

Does this change your feelings of betrayal? Obviously not. As the person on the receiving end, you're still plagued with mind-movies and feel like you've wasted a 20 year investment. You have every right to be angry. You got screwed over. You're the victim whether she feels bad about it or not. Her remorse doesn't erase your pain.

 

I also agree with you (and others) that have suggested that you have no responsibility for her ONS whatsoever. I don't care about the state of the marriage or sly inferences about your contribution to her state of mind, blah, blah, blah. I agree with you entirely that it's blameshifting, plain and simple. She had other choices. She chose really poorly. You didn't get a vote.

 

In the same vein, I agree that this had everything to do with her own issues. Maybe she's conflict-avoidant. Maybe she has an excessive need for external validation. Maybe she's self-entitled. She could have made more logical, ethical, healthy, and moral decisions. She didn't. I happen to agree with another poster that labeled her as "broken" in some way. It was her issue to fix and she didn't. By her own admission, this ONS wasn't about you but about her. The quote that Fellini provided from Ester Perel illustrates it more eloquently than I am here. And I think it's true that many affairs have nothing whatsoever to do with the betrayed spouse.

 

With all that said, I see your wife as a broken person that made a tremendous mistake (not an accident, but a mistake) and it's one that she regrets immensely and has chosen to confess, own, and try to rectify. Perhaps you can consider thinking of those as mitigating factors when it comes to your level of anger and your thoughts of evil betrayal.

 

This doesn't mean that you have to forgive, forget, or reconcile. I'm just saying that perhaps her voluntary confession and other signs of remorse, combined with your knowledge that this was really more about her than it was about you, can help you to release some of those thoughts that this was an evil betrayal. Perhaps seeing her as a broken person that made a tragic mistake with massive consequences that she cannot fix will help you to release at least some of that anger.

[qubist]

I once saw statistics about couples that were two years post Dday. Of those where a voluntary confession occurred, 70% remained together. Of those where the affair was instead discovered, only 35% remained together (and only half of those reported the relationship as being "happy").

 

My point is that for most people, having a truly remorseful wayward spouse matters to them. Unless this was a pre-emptive confession (where she may have been outed otherwise due to a job loss, etc) then I'd say her confession speaks to true remorse. If it's true that she also turned in her notice, requested that she work away from the OM until she was done, has otherwise remained NC with the OM, and has signed herself up for individual counseling, then I'd say you have even more reason to believe that she's truly remorseful.

 

Does this change your feelings of betrayal? Obviously not. As the person on the receiving end, you're still plagued with mind-movies and feel like you've wasted a 20 year investment. You have every right to be angry. You got screwed over. You're the victim whether she feels bad about it or not. Her remorse doesn't erase your pain.

 

I also agree with you (and others) that have suggested that you have no responsibility for her ONS whatsoever. I don't care about the state of the marriage or sly inferences about your contribution to her state of mind, blah, blah, blah. I agree with you entirely that it's blameshifting, plain and simple. She had other choices. She chose really poorly. You didn't get a vote.

 

In the same vein, I agree that this had everything to do with her own issues. Maybe she's conflict-avoidant. Maybe she has an excessive need for external validation. Maybe she's self-entitled. She could have made more logical, ethical, healthy, and moral decisions. She didn't. I happen to agree with another poster that labeled her as "broken" in some way. It was her issue to fix and she didn't. By her own admission, this ONS wasn't about you but about her. The quote that Fellini provided from Ester Perel illustrates it more eloquently than I am here. And I think it's true that many affairs have nothing whatsoever to do with the betrayed spouse.

 

With all that said, I see your wife as a broken person that made a tremendous mistake (not an accident, but a mistake) and it's one that she regrets immensely and has chosen to confess, own, and try to rectify. Perhaps you can consider thinking of those as mitigating factors when it comes to your level of anger and your thoughts of evil betrayal.

 

This doesn't mean that you have to forgive, forget, or reconcile. I'm just saying that perhaps her voluntary confession and other signs of remorse, combined with your knowledge that this was really more about her than it was about you, can help you to release some of those thoughts that this was an evil betrayal. Perhaps seeing her as a broken person that made a tragic mistake with massive consequences that she cannot fix will help you to release at least some of that anger.

BetrayedH: great post, this sums it all.

[Celestial-dreamer]

I have given the ONS versus LTA scenarios a lot of thought over the years. Like other two-sided coins, one is no worse or better than the other.

 

LTA = Emotionally invested in AP up to and including "love". Calculating in the deceitfulness and lies. The WW gave the A much thought and went for it. Have 100's of chances to say "no" or stop affair but doesn't. We all agree that this is very painful for the BS. For a BH it is emasculating.

 

ONS = Gives it (it = sex, trust, self-worth, marriage, fidelity) all away for cheap. ONS usually does not involve a lot of thinking on the part of the WW. Again, this wanton behavior is self-centered and the WS doesn't even give any thought to the marriage or BS. If a co-worker can charm his way into her pants in one night (or trip), how hard would it be for another man to do the same?

 

Both are equally devastating and damaging to the marriage and BS. Which sh sandwich is easier to eat: that she gave it away cheap to some dude she hardly knows, or if she gave it away to some dude she "loves"?

 

The fact that she confessed and took actions to remove herself from the AP is promising. You don't have to make any decisions now. Take it one day at a time.

 

You are right about the betrayal. The last person you expect it from is your spouse. If you can't trust your spouse, then who can you trust? OTOH, if you can't forgive your wife, then who can you forgive?

 

Regardless of what road you take, it will be extremely difficult. With kids, you never get to just walk away.

 

Didn't mean to make a ONS sound less than a full blown A. Sorry, no didn't mean that at all. My exH had a ONS with 5 women...yeah....so I know, it's NOT good. To throw it all away over some drunken ONS....stupudity in its finest.

 

To the OP, I hope you find some peace of mind, being cheated on is the lowest from if insult I know. Yes Ive been there, as have many others on here/ Be strong, sorry don't mean to sound rude or mean. You do what's best for YOU.

[Maharishi]

What if she bangs someone else again?

[BetrayedH]

BetrayedH: great post, this sums it all.

 

Thank you. I'm sure parts of it will still get under some people's skin.

 

It's very interesting to me that the degree of betrayal doesn't matter much to us when we're in the thick of it all. Infidelity just plain hurts, no matter how it's spun. I've seen some people whose "worst" thing to get over was that the spouse still wore their wedding ring during the act. In other cases, a BS's worst thing to overcome was that the wayward removed their wedding ring during the act, as if they were tossing away the marriage.

 

As another posted mentioned, some have angst that an affair was a lengthy one with shared emotions between the APs. But in the cases of ONSs, it feels like the marriage was tossed away for nothing.

 

Personally, in my own situation, I would have killed to have my wife's affair to have been a drunken ONS that she voluntarily confessed and took proactive steps to repair (signing herself up for IC, going NC, quitting her job). But none of that changes the pain of it all for the OP. His scenario still sucks beyond belief and it does nothing for him that it "could have been worse."

 

What's also interesting to me is that this guy probably just skipped over a fee of the 5 stages of grief. Without the confession, most of us undergo periods of denial and bargaining. There's nothing to deny or bargain about here so this guy went straight to anger. I suspect he's eventually going to hit a stage or two of depression over the ooss of this twenty year partnership and it'll be a while before he really reaches acceptance, whether he divorces or not.

 

So that makes me wonder, is his (justifiable) anger really a sign that he's not a good candidate for eventual reconciliation? Or is this anger stage just going to be that much more intense for him because he skipped the other two early stages? This guy is just weeks into this. Most BSs are still in a fog of their own at this point. While some always advise divorce as a default position, many others (those who are receptive to the concept of reconciling) would typically advise giving it time when the WS appears truly remorseful.

 

Is this guy really just "not a good candidate for reconciling" or is he just really angry right now? I don't know.

[BetrayedH]

What if she bangs someone else again?

 

Some people are ok with giving a second chance to a truly remorseful WS. I don't think I know anyone that endorses giving a third chance.

[m.snow]

what most here fail to see is that this is a JFO. Just Found Out

 

of course people who just found out are in a state of anger and cannot quite consider R or even D.

 

those who gone through the process of R have gone through a lot. I believe the many BS(betrayed spouses here). are a testament that R sometimes does work out.

 

again i would consider counseling or a speak to pastor/priest.

i say not rush your decision just yet.

people who are in an emotional state of mind, sometimes make harsh decision they regret.

 

the option to divorce will always be there, you can file it anytime.

the judges and court wont run away, they will be there tomorrow and the next day and the day after that.

 

again you are not alone. many have gone that road.

 

sometimes divorce is not the end of the road.

a lot cases where couple's divorce but continue to keep a family dynamic to help children grow.

there are also cases when even after a divorce both ex'es remain in husband wife relationship.

 

not all cases are same.

[BetrayedH]

Some people are ok with giving a second chance to a truly remorseful WS. I don't think I know anyone that endorses giving a third chance.

 

I would also add that finding a new partner is no guarantee against this happening to the OP again. The only guarantee of avoiding it is to stay out of the dating pool (or exclusive relationships, at least). For me, I was hell-bent that my ex-wife was not taking so much as one more damn thing away from me. I got back out there and have been in an exclusive relationship for several years now. Think I have a guarantee that I won't be cheated on again? Nope. It's still a risk.

 

I actually believe that it is safer to be with a wayward that has learned their lesson than it is to be with someone that has never been thru this infidelity crap before.

[autumnnight]

Of those where a voluntary confession occurred, 70% remained together.

 

It would be interesting to see what that "remained together" looks like behind closed doors....or what the spouses might say when not together....like say, when typing on the internet.

 

I'm not sure today in the present I could reconcile with someone who betrayed me. Or if I could bear to reconcile knowing I was the one who blew it.

[Horton]

It is only a week after her confession and OP admits he is very angry(understandably) right now, so maybe this is just his anger talking. Perhaps after he's had some time to cool off he'll feel differently about reconciling with her. He sounds to me like every other man that just found out his wife cheated. Besides what kind of guy that only just learned of his wife's infidelity is gonna be all gung ho about reconciling with her, if he were we'd all be saying he was codependent and we'd probably be right.

 

I get why people are sympathetic towards a truly remorseful WS who does all the right things(after the fact) confession, NC, looking for a new job etc. It's such a rare find, like stumbling across a unicorn, that it seems a shame to go to waste. However it's possible that he really does know with absolute certainty that zero amount of time or counseling will ever change his mind(it's hard to tell emotion from logic on a computer screen) but if that's the case I can't hold it against him. Some things just stay broken and the person that did the breaking has to live with their regret forever.

[autumnnight]

It is only a week after her confession and OP admits he is very angry(understandably) right now, so maybe this is just his anger talking. Perhaps after he's had some time to cool off he'll feel differently about reconciling with her. He sounds to me like every other man that just found out his wife cheated. Besides what kind of guy that only just learned of his wife's infidelity is gonna be all gung ho about reconciling with her, if he were we'd all be saying he was codependent and we'd probably be right.

 

I get why people are sympathetic towards a truly remorseful WS who does all the right things(after the fact) confession, NC, looking for a new job etc. It's such a rare find, like stumbling across a unicorn, that it seems a shame to go to waste. However it's possible that he really does know with absolute certainty that zero amount of time or counseling will ever change his mind(it's hard to tell emotion from logic on a computer screen) but if that's the case I can't hold it against him. Some things just stay broken and the person that did the breaking has to live with their regret forever.

 

This is true. And like I said, I have much more respect for a man who just KNOWS it ain't gonna work than one who drags out years of misery for himself and his remorseful WS. That's no life for him or his kids.

 

We do not have time travel, so our choices cannot be unmade.

[road]

Problem is not whether the WW was caught of confessed. Nothing to do with whether ONS or LTA.

 

 

All affairs, no matter what happened, what the WW did could of been worse does not matter.

 

 

What matters is that the level of what every BH can accept.

 

 

This BH has a very low limit of what he can accept.

[66Charger]

I dont know why its so hard for some of you to understand the concept of "One and Done"

That there must be 5 stages of grief, anger, depression, , remorse, whatever. That now he is in the anger stage and he will cool down. Really? Thats not what this appears like to me. This man isnt in a fog. He rifled back every answer with clarity. Zinger was like this.

 

With a one and done type person, the acceptance that the relationship is over is immediate. Think thats to rigid? Then marry/date a worm. Or how about this. Simply dont cheat. Is that really so hard?

 

He wont be here long. Zingers gone.

Edited September 17, 2015 by 66Charger

[nightmare01]

It is only a week after her confession and OP admits he is very angry(understandably) right now, so maybe this is just his anger talking. Perhaps after he's had some time to cool off he'll feel differently about reconciling with her. He sounds to me like every other man that just found out his wife cheated. Besides what kind of guy that only just learned of his wife's infidelity is gonna be all gung ho about reconciling with her, if he were we'd all be saying he was codependent and we'd probably be right.

 

I get why people are sympathetic towards a truly remorseful WS who does all the right things(after the fact) confession, NC, looking for a new job etc. It's such a rare find, like stumbling across a unicorn, that it seems a shame to go to waste. However it's possible that he really does know with absolute certainty that zero amount of time or counseling will ever change his mind(it's hard to tell emotion from logic on a computer screen) but if that's the case I can't hold it against him. Some things just stay broken and the person that did the breaking has to live with their regret forever.

 

When it comes to choosing to stay with a truly remorseful WW that does the work to fix herself VS. dumping this WW and finding some one new..

 

My opinion is that the remorseful WW is a better bet for not cheating (again) than someone new. The reason for my belief is that a WW that fixes herself will have VERY STRONG boundaries regarding opposite sex friends, whereas a person who has never done the work to make those boundaries may have weak boundaries.

[m.snow]

This is true. And like I said, I have much more respect for a man who just KNOWS it ain't gonna work than one who drags out years of misery for himself and his remorseful WS. That's no life for him or his kids.

 

We do not have time travel, so our choices cannot be unmade.

 

we do not insinuate that he reconcile quickly but rationally

like we do not insinuate that he divorce quickly but rationally

 

to act brashly with out forethought, is poor choice.

 

get the point?

 

nothing is ever written in stone. even people who divorce can get back together!

Edited September 17, 2015 by m.snow

[66Charger]

I would like to add before taking my leave, that if any WW were worthy of a R, its this one.

 

My "speculation" is that this was a ONS. Look at her actions. This man loved his wife dearly. He noticed the change immediately a minth ago, not a year ago. She didnt strike out at him, do all the things a typical ww in a A does.

 

Before he knew,

She terminated her employment right away.

She asked for a transfer while awaiting the termination.

She blocked the AP immediately

There was no "fog" There was immediate devastation

She knew what she had done.

She knew a price would be paid

She confessed a week after doing everything to distance herself from the AP.

 

Should he divorce her? Probaly. Should he forgive her? One day, yes. Is she a evil tart, slut whore etc? I don't think so. He would have noticed before. Is he justified in his anger? Yes but perhaps is getting carried away.

 

If I could speculate a little more as to the why. Perhaps working and attending 4 special needs children for a decade or more got to be a bit much. So she needed a escape, if but for the moment.

She took the opportunity and the devastation began. Dont even try to spin that into justifying the ONS

 

She fell. Thats all. Just another sad LS story.

Edited September 17, 2015 by 66Charger

[m.snow]

I firmly believe that a Wayward who confesses deserves some merit.

 

And that there is some chance for an R.

 

But I must stress that again "Trust but Verify!".

 

To the OP, check with WW hr or management what was the reason why she quit her job. or you can ask her work mates.

[BetrayedH]

Problem is not whether the WW was caught of confessed. Nothing to do with whether ONS or LTA.

 

 

All affairs, no matter what happened, what the WW did could of been worse does not matter.

 

 

What matters is that the level of what every BH can accept.

 

 

This BH has a very low limit of what he can accept.

 

Are you sure? Or is that the first weeks after Dday talking?

 

Initially when I discovered my wife's affair I was also very tough. I kept my mouth shut, hired a PI and met with a divorce attorney. Time and (feigned) remorse from my wife tempered much of that initial resolve. Perhaps it will happen with OP; he's even said as much.