She had an ONS, now she's "SOOOOOO" "remorseful" and wants to save the marriage

[HereNorThere]

There's nothing wrong with someone giving a remorseful, repentful person a second chance as long as the behavior has stopped. With that being said, the real danger comes when you propose that it's okay to support an active cheater and allow them to continue their behavior.

 

I still question why someone would sacrifice themselves in such a detrimental way. However, the real issue is advocating that it's a good choice to do so. If staying and supporting an active cheater works for someone, fine, but it's not healthy nor right to try convince other people to stay with one.

 

Would you encourage a woman to stay with an active wife beater? How is emotional abuse any different? Even if it "works" for the woman being beat, that doesn't make it right and it certainly doesn't make staying around for another beating good advice.

[Mrs. John Adams]

What do you mean by active cheater? A person that is still cheating and you know it?

 

If so.. Then I would agree why in the world would you stay?

[HereNorThere]

What do you mean by active cheater? A person that is still cheating and you know it?

 

If so.. Then I would agree why in the world would you stay?

 

Yes, exactly. And of course, but if you back and read the thread, you'll notice that not everyone believes that their partner needs to be faithful and/or remorseful in order to "reconcile." Everyone has a right to do whatever they would like in that situation, but I think it's dangerous to recommend that to other people.

 

Everyone also remarks that reconciliation is harder as if taking the hard road is somehow noble. Of course it's harder, but is it really worth it most cases? Some BS can go on and live a normal life, but some simply can't. If you're part of the latter, there's no sense in becoming a martyr and spending the rest of life resenting your partner.

 

But under no circumstances should anyone ever stay with someone while they are cheating and advocating that position is detrimental.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Hmmm..I certainly got it that not everyone thinks the cheater has to show remorse....but i never saw where it was acceptable to be actively cheating....I guess I will have to go back and do some rereading.

 

I guess to each his own....it certainly would not have been acceptable to my husband...nor would it be to me.

 

Both roads to recovery are difficult roads...divorce or reconciliation...it doesn't matter which one you take. To say one is more difficult is as ridiculous as saying the man that divorces is stronger than the man who reconciles.

 

As for asking is reconciliation worth it? That decision belongs to each couple and is not for me or anyone else to judge. For us...it has absolutely been worth it.... and that's all i need to worry about.

[NewLeaf512]

Mr and Mrs A, can you ping me the WSJ link in a PM. Id be interested to read. numbers are my thing. TY

[Mrs. John Adams]

I sent a pm

[ShatteredLady]

Please correct me if I'm wrong. I'm new here.

 

I'm reading these debates about Mr & Mrs Adams relationship on threads...

 

It's my understanding that as a couple they experienced something incredibly profound in their marriage. Not the affair but the reconciliation & beyond. They have discovered something wonderful & have made the choice to share THEIR life experience.

 

They continue to post on a forum because they can set a (rare) example for people in crisis AND it reminds them of how precious what they have truly is.

 

The second 'can' be perceived as having wounds that have never healed. I don't think this is true & I'm grateful that they choose to share their knowledge & experiences with us. So few would bother.

 

Thank you.

[66Charger]

Back to GFR. I know your thought process has been vilified and I am beginning to wonder exactly whose thread this is, but whats your plan for the week?

[GrandFunkRailroad]

66charger

 

Thanks. I tried to abstain and refrain myself from the last discussion because it got to personal. Many of the things that were said about how I generalize EVERYONE that stays with the cheating partner were simply factually not correct and I said it in many posts. I do understand that there is that or the other percentage where it is possible (but in my opinion because of other reasons than mentioned here). I also was wondering if seeing infidelity as a deal breaker can have in SOME cases exceptions. I understand that they project this on my thought process because of the things they're dealing or dealt with, they can't or do not wish to relate and understand the nuances I mentioned, that's their right and is o.k. So, be it. I am truely sorry if someone was hurt.

 

Anyway, in the last 48 hours and especially yesterday some very important things happened. I haven't posted them because I want to go through this today and maybe later in the evening I will post it. I did start to develop some more practical plans as to how to habdle everything. I will write about it. However, based on the discussion in the last posts and comments as well as the spiteful attitude from the beginning against me and especially the part that was deleted I don't feel secure to write about everything and express everything I feel and think about the situation because I sense the resentment and even the anger towards me from some of the posters. Anyway, there were poeple that gave me good points to thing about and I am grateful for that. Thanks!. I will post my plan and what happened later.

[fellini]

Perhaps in some of my posts you believed I was addressing you, but this is not the case. I have been responding to posters who have a much longer history here, and for that reason, include those posts in mine.

 

Back a few pages though, you said something that seems to me there is a difference in what we mean by reconcile:

 

Please take the time to read the reconciled

BS

's threads and do a cost benefit analysis of their decision. You'll notice that very few of them every really gain anything from it. For the most part, they're simply people who have a developed a co-dependency on their narcissistic, abusive spouses. They tolerate that life because they've been made to believe that they simply can't do better. They rationalize, justify and try their hardest, but truthfully most of them live a horrible, tormented life.

 

(your reply)

This is true. This is very correct. This is why I say that even if we end in divorce I still can forgive her, in some cases reconcile with her but I don't need to give a second chance. I have read somewhere and I find it correct that reconciliation and a second chance depend a lot on something we can call risk management; the question if I am secure with that person. Because what you're saying is correct, I still emphasize that I can forgive (I even don't need to be in contact with her for that),

in some cases I can even reconcile but I don't have to give her a second chance and be involved with her on a daily basis.

 

My experience is that the LS community would see that last phrase as semantically impossible. To reconcile would be (here in LS at least) to be giving a second chance, and to remain with your WW in your marital home.

 

Maybe you see reconcile in it's cognitive sense only, in terms of reconciling the two contradictory views of your WW?

 

In terms of things getting personal, well that is pretty much how LS operates, but remember too, that your original post asked, as your motive for coming here, for people to give their personal stories about how have basically handled their own situation. You were not asking for advice, actually, but to compare stories. And I think you were right to do so, because I do not see how anyone can tell you what to do, and I can see you are perfectly capable, even going forward through this horrible mess, to be able to weigh your options. For what it's worth, I am more in agreement with Mrs. John Smith. I don't think it matters if you wife offered her baby finger in a Mickey Rourke gesture to prove to you anything. The question before you is you, not her, based on what you have said.

 

I am not a defender of "reconciliation". I may very well walk away from my own marriage. So might 60% of married couples who have not been dealt the blow of infidelity. But each day I haven't, I recognized it has less to do with her, and more to do with me, and I believe you are already there.

 

 

 

 

66charger

 

Thanks. I tried to abstain and refrain myself from the last discussion because it got to personal. Many of the things that were said about how I generalize EVERYONE that stays with the cheating partner were simply factually not correct and I said it in many posts. I do understand that there is that or the other percentage where it is possible (but in my opinion because of other reasons than mentioned here). I also was wondering if seeing infidelity as a deal breaker can have in SOME cases exceptions. I understand that they project this on my thought process because of the things they're dealing or dealt with, they can't or do not wish to relate and understand the nuances I mentioned, that's their right and is o.k. So, be it. I am truely sorry if someone was hurt.

 

Anyway, in the last 48 hours and especially yesterday some very important things happened. I haven't posted them because I want to go through this today and maybe later in the evening I will post it. I did start to develop some more practical plans as to how to habdle everything. I will write about it. However, based on the discussion in the last posts and comments as well as the spiteful attitude from the beginning against me and especially the part that was deleted I don't feel secure to write about everything and express everything I feel and think about the situation because I sense the resentment and even the anger towards me from some of the posters. Anyway, there were poeple that gave me good points to thing about and I am grateful for that. Thanks!. I will post my plan and what happened later.

Edited September 21, 2015 by fellini

[cgiles]

 

I also was wondering if seeing infidelity as a deal breaker can have in SOME cases exceptions.

 

 

All depend in which category you place infidelity.

 

Is it just a betrayal ?

 

Me I see it as abuse, so I would answer you no there is no case exceptions to abuses.

 

I think you should follow the 180lists, for move on emotionally as you live with her, taking emotional distance, so you would be able to make the difference between your high addicted brain wishes, and your logical brain wishes.

 

I mean you are addicted to her, she makes your brain produces some great chemicals, and since the time you are together, of course it needs it to work in a normal way.

 

Have you some relatives, or friends, which can come home, and replacing you and hers as one of you move out of the house when you are both supposed to be home ?

 

Taking turn on who is home with the kids or not, so both of you spend time away from the other and is able to think more clearly.

 

It will not help to fix your marriage, it is highly not recommended for fix a marriage, but it can give you the space you need for find what you want, and not need.

[fellini]

I'm not sure if you are referring to my story, because earlier on you suggested I have given my story, which I don't think I have to be honest.

 

I see that in one sentence I may have led you to believe I stuck it out with a woman who continued to cheat.

"That a

WS

continues to cheat, as my

WW

did, through more than a year, suggests she is incapable of remorse."

 

If this phrase led you to believe my wife CONTINUED to cheat for a year after DDAy, I am sorry for not being more clear. My comment was that during the Affair, for actually more than a year (EA) she was not once able to feel any remorse for what she was doing behind my back. So if she is not remorseful then, I did not expect her to be remorseful on DDay. And I didn't get this just because of who I am. I did an awful lot of reading. Probably consumed more than 20 books and articles in the span of a month.

 

Had my WW broken NC I would have asked her to leave.

 

When I first found out that she was "seeing someone" (her words for cheating) I asked her first if she was done with him. She didn't say yes. So I left her alone for a couple of hours to go talk with some close friends. I was not going to negotiate with a woman who was "choosing" between two men.

 

When I came back, I asked again, "are you prepared to give him up" and she said yes. From that moment on we moved forward.

 

She continues to work in the same building as her exAP but he is essentially "out of the picture". I no longer suspect my wife will cheat again. To do so would be to deduce that I live with a sadist and a masochist. Her infidelity changed her, changed me, changed our marriage, changed our family, and changed our relationships with the people around us.

 

To say I no longer suspect is not to say it won't happen. It is to say that I am back from a long period of questioning whether she wanted to cheat again or not. Whether she just "got caught", threw her AP under the bus for image control and was waiting for the right moment to start up again. In other words, all the things that haunt a BS initially discovering his Wife was capable of the unthinkable. So I believe we are back where we started with the added element: Neither of us believes we will cheat on each other, but now we know what that means.

 

 

There's nothing wrong with someone giving a remorseful, repentful person a second chance as long as the behavior has stopped. With that being said, the real danger comes when you propose that it's okay to support an active cheater and allow them to continue their behavior.

 

I still question why someone would sacrifice themselves in such a detrimental way. However, the real issue is advocating that it's a good choice to do so. If staying and supporting an active cheater works for someone, fine, but it's not healthy nor right to try convince other people to stay with one.

Edited September 21, 2015 by fellini

[sandylee1]

 

 

My comment was that during the Affair, for actually more than a year (EA) she was not once able to feel any remorse for what she was doing behind my back. So if she is not remorseful then, I did not expect her to be remorseful on DDay.

 

This is a little confusing......if any WS felt remorse during the time of the affair, they wouldn't have the affair in the first place would they. I don't see how anyone can feel remorse while in the act of doing wrong.

 

Remorse comes afterwards. They may feel guilty and continue to cheat, but remorse as I understand it, is very different.

 

That's why for the WS who had a ONS - I would have more belief that that felt remorse immediately after the act, hence there was no repetition and a confession, as in the case of the OP. She doesn't sound like a woman (from what you've said) who would be imbroiled in an affair for months /years and be lying to you time and time again. This once was enough for her to know it's not her way.

 

Perhaps getting an understanding how the friendship crossed the line and turned into a ONS would be helpful. I'm not saying it's excusable, but it could give you an insight into her thoughts at the time.

 

It's a good starting point to consider reconciliation, but that's not a given and is a choice only you can make.

 

It's never a level field after infidelity. Some seperate and have their own affair/s. Many regret doing so and others are glad they did. Reconciliation is possible in either scenario.

[GrandFunkRailroad]

CGILES

 

Thanks for this one as further reflection as it opens a new perspective. You wrote:

 

All depend in which category you place infidelity.

Is it just a betrayal ?

Me I see it as abuse, so I would answer you no there is no case exceptions to abuses

 

I agree with you that infidelity is abuse even a sepecific kind of abuse namely "IPV" (intimate partner violence). However, if we look deeper, so we can question if betrayal in itself is also a kind of abuse in its nature. I believe that some kinds of betrayal fit indeed into this category. It is very evident from my military background. A traitor perpetrates in a wider sence a kind of abuse; soldiers can be wounded; soldiers are traumatized and soldier can die through the betrayal. Is every kind of betrayal abuse? I am not sure. Is there a difference between betrayal, lying and deceitfulnes? I tend to think there is and not everything is abuse. Yet, it is clear that infidelity is abuse and not only because of betrayal

 

Now, from my military service, I can say that I have forgiven all my enemies (in my case had no practical opportunity to reconcile). Many others, who were abused, have not only forgiven but also reconciled and some have become friends. Once again, as with infidelity I think forgiveness is a must, reconciliation is an option; becoming close friends which is more than reconcile is really not mandatory but can be approached. To a certain degree I think it is even easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a traitor. Maybe this is why many soldier perceive the betrayal of the spouse much worse than what they have experience in the battlefield. Now, when I apply this to abuse I come to the same question? Does abuse has no exceptions whatsoever? I think in the same way as with infidelity also when it come to abuse the risk of giving another chance is too high. Yet, it may be, once again, it may be psossible, that there are exceptions and if yes, then we can continue to ask for both of them the question under which conditions it should be dealt, how it should be done, what does it mean, what is required to protect the abused, how to treat the abuser and so on. However, I am still in the process of evaluating if it's possible and under which conditions and haven't reach the more practical level of the process as to regard of infidelity.

Edited September 21, 2015 by GrandFunkRailroad

[m.snow]

the fear of reconciling and another affair happening is real.

but in your case your wife is not a serial cheater.

 

in life you can never truly take control everything that happens. you can only control yourself.

 

what if you gave it a try, if it doesn't work out then leave. but at least you could say you tried.

 

doesn't the military offer some sort of therapy for these cases.

[fellini]

This is a little confusing......if any WS felt remorse during the time of the affair, they wouldn't have the affair in the first place would they. I don't see how anyone can feel remorse while in the act of doing wrong.

 

Remorse comes afterwards. They may feel guilty and continue to cheat, but remorse as I understand it, is very different.

 

If you define remorse as acknowledging your wrong doing to others (whether or not they are aware of what you have done) and you feel enormous guilt for them knowing you have done this. Then yes, you can feel remorse before dday.

 

If I have had sex with someone outside of marriage, I might feel guilty about it (or worse, the so-called guilty pleasure). But if I am a person of character, at any point along the line of passing that line if I should finally become aware of how much damage I am doing (or going to do should my partner find out) - if this is what is now guiding my actions, then yes, I am beginning to feel remorse for my actions.

 

Everyone / Anyone can feel guilty for an infidelity (because they ARE guilty) But it is another thing to be putting yourself - your emotions in thinking about what how your spouse is going to feel if you don't stop and get back on the path.

 

Remorse is a form of guilt, surely. But not all guilt is remorse.

 

Surely if someone can feel remorse after DDay, they could have felt something similarly along the timeline of betrayal.

 

And besides, in the case of my WW, she was telling her best friend during almost a year and a half about her EA, and eventually her PA, and her friend said all the right things that ought to have triggered remorse: i.e. she put my daughter and I into the equation for her, and none of it phased her. Likewise her IC who advised her to end it before she loses EVERYTHING and EVERYONE who do not deserve to go through this. And lastly, she asked her AP (who himself had been a BH 2 years prior) how I was going to take this. And he spelled it out for her: that I was not going to understand any of it. And he included our 8 year daughter as being at risk for pain. Still nothing could make her change her mind about the path she was on. So, yeah, I believe her when she said she felt "bad" or even "guilty" about what she was doing, but she simply blocked any thinking or feeling about who she was clearly hurting and what the consequences for all of us would be. (the usual)

 

None of these three people could wake her up. Hence my point she is a person for whom remorse is going to be a long time coming.

Edited September 21, 2015 by fellini

[oldshirt]

66charger

 

Thanks. I tried to abstain and refrain myself from the last discussion because it got to personal. Many of the things that were said about how I generalize EVERYONE that stays with the cheating partner were simply factually not correct and I said it in many posts. I do understand that there is that or the other percentage where it is possible (but in my opinion because of other reasons than mentioned here). I also was wondering if seeing infidelity as a deal breaker can have in SOME cases exceptions. I understand that they project this on my thought process because of the things they're dealing or dealt with, they can't or do not wish to relate and understand the nuances I mentioned, that's their right and is o.k. So, be it. I am truely sorry if someone was hurt.

 

Anyway, in the last 48 hours and especially yesterday some very important things happened. I haven't posted them because I want to go through this today and maybe later in the evening I will post it. I did start to develop some more practical plans as to how to habdle everything. I will write about it. However, based on the discussion in the last posts and comments as well as the spiteful attitude from the beginning against me and especially the part that was deleted I don't feel secure to write about everything and express everything I feel and think about the situation because I sense the resentment and even the anger towards me from some of the posters. Anyway, there were poeple that gave me good points to thing about and I am grateful for that. Thanks!. I will post my plan and what happened later.

 

 

 

This thread is for YOU to share your story and ask for feedback and advice as well as for you to vent and get things off your chest and to get some support from people who have gone through some of the same things as you.

 

 

It's not your job to make everyone happy and it's not your job to march in lock-step with what others think you should do.

 

 

Yes, some people will whine and bitch and say you are doing it wrong. That's on them. Don't worry about the naysayers or the YDIW crowd.

 

 

You can say what you want, share what you want, explain what you want, ask for what you and ignore what you don't want.

 

 

Don't feel the need to edit yourself to keep others from criticizing or to keep from bickering amongst themselves. You post what you need to post and do what you need to do to get through this.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Fellini...I appreciate your defining remorse...because that gives us an insight to your thinking.

 

I respectfully disagree with your definition...but I have said many times...maybe remorse is different things for different people.

 

In my case....remorse is not guilt...it is not being sorry....those feelings come rather quickly after Dday I think.... In my case it was understanding and feeling the pain I caused my dh...and as you know it took me many years to achieve that....way too many. The pain a betrayed spouse feels is crippling....so much so in fact that I think it takes a long time for them to even begin to process what has happened to them. We all know there are stages of grief to go through when we suffer a loss. And the loss of fidelity is immeasurable. I think it is very hard To understand that kind of pain....especially because those of us who cheated in the first place are coming from a totally different place than the betrayed. Our mindset is not like the mindset of a bs. If it was...we never would have cheated in the first place. We tend to be more selfish and narcissistic....so understanding the pain we caused someone else is extremely difficult. And maybe that is why many never achieve remorse. Maybe it is as you say...they are just not capable.

 

So then the bs has to evaluate..is what the betrayed is giving me...enough.

In my case...the answer was yes. In your case...it is yes. And it most cases...no. Which is exactly why divorce is often the right answer for many.

 

I still believe...that in gfr's story....divorce is probably the right answer. Because I don't think anything his wife could do or say...would ever be enough. Only he can decide that for himself...but I think he knows it deep down. I don't think...with his mindset...reconciliation is even a remote possibility.

 

For one thing.... A betrayed spouse has to still.....love the wayward. And even more than that...has to learn to forgive the wayward. Forgiveness as we all know does not mean forget...but it does mean we have to stop harboring resentment...that is easier said than done. We have to let go of the right to be angry.

 

I don't know how many waywards ever achieve true remorse...by the same token I don't know how many betrayed ever achieve real forgiveness.

[fellini]

I accept your definition entirely. In my last post I was trying to explain that remorse can exist outside of DDay, because frankly, remorse is an internal issue, even by your definition.

 

I think I early said that remorse is when someone recognises and acknowledges the enormous wrongdoing unto another that they themselves have caused through their own actions. I think this is closer to yours below, and I wholeheartedly agree. But I would disagree that it has nothing to do with guilt. I just don't think this thread or LS is the place to get into this discussion.

 

Fellini...I appreciate your defining remorse...because that gives us an insight to your thinking.

 

I respectfully disagree with your definition...but I have said many times...maybe remorse is different things for different people.

 

In my case....remorse is not guilt...it is not being sorry....those feelings come rather quickly after Dday I think.... In my case it was understanding and feeling the pain I caused my dh...and as you know it took me many years to achieve that....way too many. The pain a betrayed spouse feels is crippling....so much so in fact that I think it takes a long time for them to even begin to process what has happened to them. We all know there are stages of grief to go through when we suffer a loss. And the loss of fidelity is immeasurable. I think it is very hard To understand that kind of pain....especially because those of us who cheated in the first place are coming from a totally different place than the betrayed. Our mindset is not like the mindset of a bs. If it was...we never would have cheated in the first place. We tend to be more selfish and narcissistic....so understanding the pain we caused someone else is extremely difficult. And maybe that is why many never achieve remorse. Maybe it is as you say...they are just not capable.

 

So then the bs has to evaluate..is what the betrayed is giving me...enough.

In my case...the answer was yes. In your case...it is yes. And it most cases...no. Which is exactly why divorce is often the right answer for many.

 

I still believe...that in gfr's story....divorce is probably the right answer. Because I don't think anything his wife could do or say...would ever be enough. Only he can decide that for himself...but I think he knows it deep down. I don't think...with his mindset...reconciliation is even a remote possibility.

 

For one thing.... A betrayed spouse has to still.....love the wayward. And even more than that...has to learn to forgive the wayward. Forgiveness as we all know does not mean forget...but it does mean we have to stop harboring resentment...that is easier said than done. We have to let go of the right to be angry.

 

I don't know how many waywards ever achieve true remorse...by the same token I don't know how many betrayed ever achieve real forgiveness.

[GrandFunkRailroad]

the fear of reconciling and another affair happening is real.

but in your case your wife is not a serial cheater.

 

in life you can never truly take control everything that happens. you can only control yourself.

 

what if you gave it a try, if it doesn't work out then leave. but at least you could say you tried.

 

doesn't the military offer some sort of therapy for these cases.

 

 

 

The fear of reconciling and another affair happening is real.

But in your case your wife is not a serial cheater.

 

As it seems, she's not. I still haven't posted it, but after preparing my –self with my spiritual adviser and getting other guidance, I got a lot of information. It's more than fifty questions as well as a quite detailed explanation on her whys and what happened at that night. This is still raw information. In military jargon I need to for a complete intelligence picture of it. However, the information IS game-changing. I'm still not into reconciliation or at least not the traditional way. If at all it's what CGILES is talking about. I have to digest it so maybe I will post it later. It's also possible that I'll need more questions answered so I'll see it this evening. However, now I am going to process everything which will take a while. Then we will see.

 

In life you can never truly take control everything that happens. You can only control yourself.

 

That is correct, yet once you've burned yourself with hot boiling water, you are now careful even with the cold one. Once again, it's risk management.

 

What if you gave it a try, if it doesn't work out then leave. But at least you could say you tried.

 

Even that can be approached in different ways. This is once again what CGILES is talking about and I try to figure out. One of the aspects would be, even if the cheater is given a second chance, to give the cheater a real understanding that this is an exception, that infidelity IS a deal breaker. I am not going to be spitted on my face and claim it's raining; I am not going to be slept on my cheek, claiming someone is massaging me and offer the other one.

 

 

Doesn't the military offer some sort of therapy for these cases.

Yes, they do. There's IC and MC specialists specialized with working with army veterans. I am searching for one.

[Marc878]

GFR,

 

You are wise not to make rash decisions up front. Take the time you need to understand the full situation befor you formulate a plan of what to do.

 

So many times failure results because of not knowing the full truth, etc and you waste time going down the wrong path.

[GrandFunkRailroad]

GFR,

 

You are wise not to make rash decisions up front. Take the time you need to understand the full situation befor you formulate a plan of what to do.

 

So many times failure results because of not knowing the full truth, etc and you waste time going down the wrong path.

 

 

 

Marc878

 

Right now, I am staying at home. I got my emotions under control. I mean not that I'm o.k., but it is under control. We're getting along and I'm civil with her. She had terrible head ache from crying all the time, so I went and bought her medics. Yet, I haven't offered her yet a second chance and this is not yet an offer of reconciliation. I am working now on the information I have. I am at the very beginning of getting all the raw data. I'll have to evaluate, analyze and then build a complete picture. In the meantime she IS completely remorseful, apologetic and repentant and so far nothing has changed in her behavior in that. What I do see that there is a match between her words and actions concerning her remorse. It is also much congruent with her answers and her other explanations she wrote and gave me.

[autumnnight]

It unfolds day by day for most people. Often they look back and say they would have neverguesseed how it all turned out. It can get pretty stormy.

[GrandFunkRailroad]

It unfolds day by day for most people. Often they look back and say they would have neverguesseed how it all turned out. It can get pretty stormy.

 

Yes, I'm sure it will. Everything is impermanent, we do not need infidelity to know this. It the context of infidelity it is only taken to the worst and to extremity.

[drifter777]

Marc878

 

Right now, I am staying at home. I got my emotions under control. I mean not that I'm o.k., but it is under control. We're getting along and I'm civil with her. She had terrible head ache from crying all the time, so I went and bought her medics. Yet, I haven't offered her yet a second chance and this is not yet an offer of reconciliation. I am working now on the information I have. I am at the very beginning of getting all the raw data. I'll have to evaluate, analyze and then build a complete picture. In the meantime she IS completely remorseful, apologetic and repentant and so far nothing has changed in her behavior in that. What I do see that there is a match between her words and actions concerning her remorse. It is also much congruent with her answers and her other explanations she wrote and gave me.

 

They are all "remorseful" when they are afraid of paying the consequences of what they did. It's the same with alcoholics and junkies - they are so, so sorry and will never to it again. They swear on everything holy. Then they get the urge and it starts all over again. You would be a fool to believe her "remorse" until you've done your due diligence and investigated her whole story. You are likely going to find that she's lying about pretty much everything and that she told you because her lies were closing in on her and it was her only choice. Maybe I'm wrong but you are much better off believing me than you are believing her at this point in time.