She had an ONS, now she's "SOOOOOO" "remorseful" and wants to save the marriage

[Mrs. John Adams]

You story sounds very cut and dried to me. Your wife crossed your line...she is tainted....and it is over.

 

My question is what are you looking for here?

 

Validation that your decision is the right one? Only you know what is best for you....and if your decision is to divorce...you are doing the right thing....and I certainly would not attempt to convince you to do anything else.

 

I would caution you to remember that your cheating wife...is still the mother of your children...and regardless of her horrific behavior...she still loves her kids and they still need her.

 

I am very sorry you are in this situation...I am very sorry you are here on LS and I wish you the very best in the future.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

Celestial-dreamer

 

A lot of posters will say that a drunken ONS isn't as bad as a full blown affair, which in a way is true as that's how THEY see it, but this is about how YOU see it.

I disagree with it. She slept with another man and that means breaking all the boundaries. For me, a single sexual act with another man is much worse than even if she would tell him that she likes him or even a longer emotional affair.

 

I have given the ONS versus LTA scenarios a lot of thought over the years. Like other two-sided coins, one is no worse or better than the other.

 

LTA = Emotionally invested in AP up to and including "love". Calculating in the deceitfulness and lies. The WW gave the A much thought and went for it. Have 100's of chances to say "no" or stop affair but doesn't. We all agree that this is very painful for the BS. For a BH it is emasculating.

 

ONS = Gives it (it = sex, trust, self-worth, marriage, fidelity) all away for cheap. ONS usually does not involve a lot of thinking on the part of the WW. Again, this wanton behavior is self-centered and the WS doesn't even give any thought to the marriage or BS. If a co-worker can charm his way into her pants in one night (or trip), how hard would it be for another man to do the same?

 

Both are equally devastating and damaging to the marriage and BS. Which sh sandwich is easier to eat: that she gave it away cheap to some dude she hardly knows, or if she gave it away to some dude she "loves"?

 

The fact that she confessed and took actions to remove herself from the AP is promising. You don't have to make any decisions now. Take it one day at a time.

 

You are right about the betrayal. The last person you expect it from is your spouse. If you can't trust your spouse, then who can you trust? OTOH, if you can't forgive your wife, then who can you forgive?

 

Regardless of what road you take, it will be extremely difficult. With kids, you never get to just walk away.

[aliveagain]

There is only one reason she did what she did and that is because she wanted to, drunk or sober, she still knew right from wrong. The sex was more than likely unprotected so you both need to get tested for all STD's, the humiliation of testing will act as a future deterrent and give her a real shot of reality. I understand your feeling of tainted and it may be hard for some to understand specially if your not a guy. Your biggest obstacle to reconciliation is the imbalance created by her infidelity because once you step over that line you can't undo it. If reconciliation is your ultimate goal the best you can hope for is indifference, you accept her betrayal and learn to live with it.

 

Regardless if you reconcile or not she needs to find out why she allowed herself the approval to betray you this way. The best way to do that is with independent counselling. You need to get to a place that will allow you to think strait. It is obvious you've hit the anger stage, we all went through it and it is normal. Some of us just can't get over infidelity and that is ok, you can still be a great father for your children, they are innocent. The best advice anyone can give is don't make any permanent decisions until you have taken the time to think it through first. You should talk to a lawyer so you understand your rights and to make sure your children are protected. They can't work together and you need to expose him to his wife or significant other.

[Popsicle]

I think you should leave her without a doubt, kids or not. Let's see if you'll end up being one of the guys who divorce their cheating wife or one who stays with her....

[m.snow]

In her mind, she noted a shortfall on your side and needed to make up for it.

 

we don't know whats one her mind. NO one knows whats on her mind not even this poster!

but if she had not stated her concerns IF there were any. She had a failure to communicate!. If you could see that there was nothing of such then clearly she plotted deceive you.

 

Absolutely right (bolded).

I made that quite clear.

There is no fault on his part.

 

But something in the relationship is not hanging well, if, even in a drunken state, a spouse cheats.

The RESPONSIBILITY for the current state of the marriage, lies with BOTH parties. Working in Counselling taught me that indisputable lesson.

 

I'm suggesting the OP look deeper into this.

 

At least she wasn't cold, clean sober, as many other cheats (both men AND women) have been.

That means a calculated move within total use of right senses....

 

I will be frank

 

a post like this would impact the OP more.

 

this makes one doubt himself. this create a sense of inadequacy to a person.

this is harsh a 2x4 to the betrayed.

 

those to bold parts contradict each other.

 

and you can clearly see in OP's reply that he was being targeted.

 

people come here for SUPPORT not to be ridiculed!.

 

To the OP do not ever doubt yourself! the forum does NOT give professional advice it is best to seek a "Counselor!"

 

Based on your posts and this thread, please file today.

 

There are people who simply cannot every view their spouses as people again after this kind of betrayal, and that is completely understandable.

 

Just cut your losses and divorce. You and everyone else will be better off for it, and you can start fresh.

 

~we demean the action of the person not the person? in time we come to realize that but "we understand that people do go through that phase that all people who suffer from infidelity do go through that!"

 

~that process must run through its course. his anger is justified his harsh words understandable.

 

~BH is just like you and me. We are no different.

Edited September 16, 2015 by m.snow

[aliveagain]

Where did the act happen, at the function(office) at a motel, the backseat of a car? If it happened at a motel some planning had to be involved and she could have stopped herself anytime from when they left the function to the point she was walking into the motel room. It doesn't change the fact that she did what she did but one scenario is less planned and just purely bad judgement, the other scenario, well, everyone knows what's going to happen when you drive to a motel with a man who isn't your husband.

[Tobin]

You story sounds very cut and dried to me. Your wife crossed your line...she is tainted....and it is over.

 

My question is what are you looking for here?

 

I was wondering the same thing.

 

Usually only betrayed partners that are looking to reconcile post here. The ones that will not accept a cheating partner in their lives usually immediately separate, divorce, and move on. They don't look for advice, and there really isn't any to give.

[Clay]

I was wondering the same thing.

 

Usually only betrayed partners that are looking to reconcile post here. The ones that will not accept a cheating partner in their lives usually immediately separate, divorce, and move on. They don't look for advice, and there really isn't any to give.

 

Sounds like he is in pain and he is doubting himself.

 

I can't blame him at all. I think he is right he should divorce here and just focus on a good custodial agreement for the kids sake.

 

C

[Ms. Faust]

I was wondering the same thing.

 

Usually only betrayed partners that are looking to reconcile post here. The ones that will not accept a cheating partner in their lives usually immediately separate, divorce, and move on. They don't look for advice, and there really isn't any to give.

 

I took it as him venting. He has obviously given this a lot of thought since be said he has been surfing through other infidelity forums and articles. This isn't exactly something we can talk to our neighbors and coworkers about, and not everyone is ready for a therapist.

[oldshirt]

Some people can't continue a marriage once their partner cheats. For some folks it really is a deal breaker. That's the risk that WS' s take when they decide to get some extra tail.

 

Many people attempt reconciliation but find they have lost too much respect and love and connection and desire to continue.

 

Many seem like a drunken ONS should be given some kind of pass. I disagree. IMHO it's natural for people to develop feelings and attraction for people they are around and while it's wrong, LTAs do develop.

 

A drunken ONS is simply irresponsibility and skanky, sl#tty behavior. If my wife had a LTA, I may still divorce her but I wouldn't see her as dog poop in the treads of my shoes. But if she got drunk and sl#tty and hooked up with some random dude because she was horny and loose, I'd never be able to look at her the same again and never be able to give her the respect and esteem that my wife and mother of my children deserves.

 

Getting drunk and hooking up with some dude and then regretting it afterwards is a character issue.

 

Sometimes character issues cross the line and you can't recover the respect and esteem that you need to call someone your spouse and afford them position of sharing your life and home with them.

 

Again, this is the risk people take when they get drunk and flirt up that cute dude/chick at the party. You may have a few minutes of hot fun and an orgasm, but the person that vowed to love and support you and gave you a home and family may forever lose their feelings of love, respect and devotion to you and may see you as just another skanky ho blowing dudes in bars.

 

This is a very sad story :-(

[oldshirt]

Now for GrandFunk and what to do about it, while your anger, disdain and disgust is understandable, it is also toxic, unhealthy and potentially dangerous for both of you.

 

She may have done something very bad, but she is still the mother of your children and still a human being that needs to be in a safe and nontoxic environment.

 

And you also need an environment where you can find peace and clear your head and allow healing.

 

And the children need an environment that is safe, nonvolatile and supportive.

 

I think you should see a lawyer and begin the process of legal separation that includes a workable plan for the care and wellbeing of the children but has you and your wife/STBXW in physically separate domiciles.

 

Then I recommend you seek IC to help you find healthy, productive mechanisms to channel your hurt and anger and to find some peace and a means to move forward in a healthy manner.

 

Then I also recommend joint marital counseling. Keeping in mind that MC isn't just for "saving" marriages but it can also be just as valuable for ending marriages and helping both people move forward with their own lives with as little hostility and baggage and chaos as possible.

 

Divorcing with the assistance and guidance of a counselor can also help immensely in assisting them in coparenting cooperatively and effectively even though they are divorcing and going their separate ways as individuals.

 

You and your wife may end up divorced and living your lives separately as single adults, but you will forever be the parents of your children and more effectively you can coparent together, the better off your children will be.

Edited September 16, 2015 by oldshirt

[waterwoman]

FWIW I have seen many male WS on here and elsewhere give excuses for their infidelity. And try the OW/OM board for people blaming wives for their H's affair.....It's not gender biased IME.

 

You are under no obligation to reconcile. But please refrain from being so dismissive and unpleasant about those who choose to do so. Your have choices. So do others.

 

From what you have written your anger makes you an unsafe spouse even if you wanted to reconcile. I would just proceed with the divorce in as civil and calm manner as possible and do the best for your children.

[Horton]

Nothing is ever cut and dried.

She may certainly bear 100% of the FAULT for cheating.

That is undeniable.

There is no question that what she did was wrong.

 

However, you are also responsible for an element of your relationship.

To be exact, the relationship consists of 2 people: Each partner is 100% responsible for their 50%.

 

In her mind, she noted a shortfall on your side and needed to make up for it.

 

I emphasise again: She was totally wrong in what she did. There is absolutely no excuse for cheating and betrayal.

But to be so rigid in your condemnation, and refuse point blank to redress any balance on your part is also highly questionable.

 

Consider your own attitude, behaviour and input.

What contribution did you make, or did you leave out, that might have led her to seek some kind of validation, appreciation and consideration elsewhere?

 

Are ALL your children 'special needs'?

 

How does the responsibility and work, put into taking care of them, fall?

What percentage falls to her and to you?

Be honest.

 

If she was a SAHM, and was responsible for their day-to-day care, could this have contributed to her emotional exhaustion, shut-down and diversion?

 

I would very earnestly and strongly suggest you seek marital counselling.

 

But to vilify and condemn your wife, in such strong terms, would appear to denote a judgemental rigidity in your attitude, which may further lead to questioning whether that in itself could have fuelled her desire to seek compassion, sympathy and understanding, elsewhere.

 

Just my views.

 

WOW....

 

I'm stunned at the insensitivity of what I've just read. If the OP had responded back to this with the venom it merited he would be permabanned right now. I bolded the parts that were most glaring but I think the whole thing could have been highlighted. Reading this was like walking into bizarro world, up is down, black is white etc. The infidelity equivalent of asking a rape victim what length her skirt was as she's sobbing in the police station. This poor guy just found out a week ago that his wife cheated on him, maybe we can delay the usual 'the man must have done something wrong to drive her to this' spiel. Good grief.

 

As for the ONS vs LTA argument. I think there is something people are missing in this story and that's the fact that they have four special needs kids. What she did is actually more heinous than most cases of adultery IMO. What kind of a mother would risk the stability of her special needs child's home just to have a tawdry ONS? People who claim that cheating has nothing to do with how good a parent the cheater is need to stop and think about that for a moment.

 

OP don't let anybody here or anybody anywhere else place the blame for her affair on your shoulders. There are some people(women and men) who are under the delusion that ALL women are as pure as the driven snow and that the only way a woman could ever do something so reprehensible is if a man 'made' them do it. Oh they'll throw a disclaimer on their accusations, saying they're not blaming you for the affair, but then they'll list all of the reasons you're to blame. They speak with a forked tongue. Ignore people like that, they're only trying to sooth their own guilty conscience at your expense.

[TrustedthenBusted]

Sorry to hear it. Sounds like your mind is made up. Shame that 20 years of good is being tossed for 2 hours of bad, but everyone has their choices to make.

 

I know it feels like you are the only man on earth who this has ever happened to. Just remember, you're not. This story is as old as time.

[S2B]

I'm sorry you are in this situation.

 

Have you had all your kids tested for DNA results?

 

 

I doubt this is her first time. Just seems odd, maybe it's happened before but you didn't have her confessing.

 

 

Something at work must have triggered her to tell.

 

 

Either way, I hope you make a decision that's in your best interest.

[Marc878]

Some can't ever get over it. Why live life like this? If that is the case you'll just waste time/life on something that can never be.

 

However, if there is a thought on any reconciliation I'd investigate was it really a one night stand or more. Cheaters lie, deceive and hide. Her phone, email records, etc will tell. You can also do a recovery of deleted texts. I would want to know for myself what the whole story is not just what you've been told.

 

You have a lot of time plus children involved to make a hasty decision but I would gather all the facts first. What she's told you may or may not be the truth.

 

You're in a bad place no matter what. I suspect you're here trying to search for the right answer but in the end can you live with it long term? Get the whole truth before you finalize a decision.

 

Good luck to you.

[oldshirt]

 

 

 

As for the ONS vs LTA argument. I think there is something people are missing in this story and that's the fact that they have four special needs kids. What she did is actually more heinous than most cases of adultery IMO.

 

 

.

 

 

So married mothers of normal healthy kids can pick up random dudes at the bar but mothers of special needs kids can't???

 

I know that not what you're saying but I don't think the fact of special needs kids has any bearing on this other than it may add a layer of complexity to the post-divorce childcare plan.

 

My point is mother's of special needs kids are not going to be any more or any less horny, any more or less responsible, any more or less prone to get drunk, or do anything more or less dumb while drunk.

 

In other words mother's (or fathers for that matter) of special needs kids are not fundamentally "different" than any other mother or father.

 

What she did was crappy, but no more or less crappy than if the mother of 4 kids without special needs did the same thing.

Edited September 16, 2015 by oldshirt

[autumnnight]

You know yourself best, and based on what you have written and how you have written it, I really believe you are 100% right on in your inclination to divorce. I know you have children, but I really think they will fare better in divorce than they likely would in a continued marriage.

[Winterina]

I'm sorry you are in this situation.

 

Have you had all your kids tested for DNA results?

 

 

I doubt this is her first time. Just seems odd, maybe it's happened before but you didn't have her confessing.

 

 

Something at work must have triggered her to tell.

 

 

Either way, I hope you make a decision that's in your best interest.

 

Please do not say anything this unhelpful and further agonise the man that is going through this much pain and anger.

I have no doubt that this WAS her first time, just because she was being eaten up by it and finally, on her own, confessed.

 

Stop speculating. We do not know anything here. So why would you say "something at work must have triggered it"... I really don't get such assumptions.

[singer23]

Nothing is ever cut and dried.

She may certainly bear 100% of the FAULT for cheating.

That is undeniable.

There is no question that what she did was wrong.

 

However, you are also responsible for an element of your relationship.

To be exact, the relationship consists of 2 people: Each partner is 100% responsible for their 50%.

 

In her mind, she noted a shortfall on your side and needed to make up for it.

 

I emphasise again: She was totally wrong in what she did. There is absolutely no excuse for cheating and betrayal.

But to be so rigid in your condemnation, and refuse point blank to redress any balance on your part is also highly questionable.

 

Consider your own attitude, behaviour and input.

What contribution did you make, or did you leave out, that might have led her to seek some kind of validation, appreciation and consideration elsewhere?

 

Are ALL your children 'special needs'?

 

How does the responsibility and work, put into taking care of them, fall?

What percentage falls to her and to you?

Be honest.

 

If she was a SAHM, and was responsible for their day-to-day care, could this have contributed to her emotional exhaustion, shut-down and diversion?

 

I would very earnestly and strongly suggest you seek marital counselling.

 

But to vilify and condemn your wife, in such strong terms, would appear to denote a judgemental rigidity in your attitude, which may further lead to questioning whether that in itself could have fuelled her desire to seek compassion, sympathy and understanding, elsewhere.

 

Just my views.

 

 

This post is hilariously bad advice.

[singer23]

Well, I've been lurking here as well as in other sites for a while and finally decided to post so it's actually my first thread here. The story is long so to make it easier and or for the sake of overview I'll post the basics here. If necessary I will expand later on the details given that they are relevant for the discussion. Anyway, we're both in our late 40's, four children (with special needs) Married slightly over 20 years; so far solid and good marriage. As with every marriage and all things in life, there were problems but always solved for the better. Communication and connection was never a problem; so was sex and intimacy. Actually in that department it was amazing. Besides, I gave my wife, always attention and validation, made her feel loved and desired all the time. I was working normal hours, being home in the late afternoon and the weekend and home. Romance, night date and so on was always here. Although we are more a traditional couple, helping at home was never a problem. I did everything and always, not out of obligation but love. Actually, I did more than my fair share. Financially, we were o.k. Nothing was missing here to. It's not only me saying this, but she self insists on that saying she doesn't know what got into her (bull****, in my mind she knows exactly what it was), that it is not my fault but only her **** (which make me want to flee ASAP) and reassuring all the time that she doesn't blame me but only herself (blah, blah, blah cause if it was so good why was it so bad.

 

Yet, despite of everything, she managed to betray and stab me in the back in the worst way. I am a former soldier in an elite unite and I must say her betrayal and ambush is far more worse and the hate I feel right now towards her is much bigger than I felt towards whatever enemy we fought. At least, when it comes to an enemy, you expect that; you definitely do not expect such kind of betrayal from the woman that supposed to be your wife. Long story short, the last month I sensed something was wrong with her. She was not behaving as always and her moods were not good most of the time. She told me there were problem at work because personal changes in the management. So, it got to the point she wanted to quit the job and therefore her moods. Well, at that point it sounded not really reliable so I decided to see if something happens or changes in her behavior. I was suspicious but still not in the direction of cheating. Anyway, a week ago she dropped the bomb and confessed to an ONS which was the reason for what I was sensing. She works in a large national corporation where once in a while they arrange evenings for the workers and it allegedly happened at that evening; according, to her statement it was one time encounter. She drank too much, it got out of control and they slept together.

 

Immediately afterwards, she also tried to convince me how awful the experience was, the guilt, shame, remorse, regret and the devastation according to her story began to eat at her alive. She cut at the same evening all contact with the POS, quit the job (waiting till the confession to tell me), asked to be referred to another department in the meantime (without telling me and till she stops to work) and was one week home before the confession (while telling me and them she's seek, and doesn't feel well, also telling me nothing at that point and according to her statement preparing to confess her affair). Why did she plan everything so well? According to her confession, she was devastated, in panic, distraught and was afraid that confessing in that state of mind of hers will damage the marriage beyond repair, that it will undermine any chance at reconciliation and recovery and that there is nothing more she wants than to save the marriage, to get another chance, to right the wrong, to make it up to me and blah, blah, blah. I was really amazed at her impertinence thinking that I would give her any second chance, consider reconciling with her and stay married to that evil tart.

 

Using the time after her confession to read almost an un-endless number of site and forums I must say that I have exposed my-self to the pathetic "reconciliation and recovery industry". It is really beyond my mind how a self-respecting man (as well as woman) can accept and give such woman a second chance. I am sorry, this is maybe politically, but although I not religious for me she's tainted, she's damaged good. What else is there to say, to do or to consider? Nothing! I also don't by all this remorse show. That's bull**** in my eyes. As if it's impossible to fake remorse and as if that's the only problem with infidelity. She broke the trust, she created an insurmountable imbalance and injustice; she tainted the love and destroyed it. But, WOOOOW, now she's SOOOO remorseful, SO, SO, remorseful and I should buy it. She can be remorseful how much she wants, but she will not get the prize for riding some other dude's cock without consequences. In fact, seeing her allegedly in that remorse makes me ****ing raging inside and I mean I didn't go here really into details because it's too long ANYWAY. If someone hasn't seen the remorse of her, I think no one has seen "true" remorse in his life (or at least a good show of remorse). Yet, what should I suppose to do, let her walk without consequences and thus encourage more of her behavior and cheating. This is not going to happen. I am not going to forgive her and if I'll forgive, that'll be for me and she’ll never know it. If I'll forgive and let her know, I will not reconcile with her. If I'll do reconcile with her, I will never give her a second chance. Cheating is not a poor mistake or a bad choice; it is an intentional or at least a conscious act of evil. There is no way I'll put myself with such a person and danger to be hurt again.

 

Anyway, right now I am not really in good shape and state of mind. Actually, initially I did not take it well. There was no violence whatsoever on my part, but I was really not the most nice person on earth. After the confession, I left home for almost two days and cut all the contact with her for that period of time. Actually, I cut the contact with everyone so that she can't find me and mess more with my mind. I am not interested in her explanation and what she has to say. I do behave in a civil way, do what I have to do while at home and so on but refuse to talk to her other than it is inevitable. For me it's done. I do know a great deal about what happened hence she wrote two letters. Once was before confession and the second afterwards because I didn't want to speak. We had nevertheless some small conversations which was more a monologue of hers and me throwing some sarcastic statements and questions in between. I know she does not deal well with my decision to leave (depressed, distraught all the time, in panic to lose me, just to mention a few here) but it's her problem, not mine. I decided not to leave immediately because of the kids and until she regain some strength and composure but made it clear it's not recovery or reconciliation. The problem is it takes a toll of me. I am doing what I can to remain civil but suppressing everything just makes me very impatient, not only with her but in general. I feel a growing resentment, grudge and bitterness. Being unable to release and let go of the rage and hate is difficult. It is impossible to do it with her, hence another reason for not wanting reconciliation and recovery, but it is still impossible to leave immediately because of the kids and other reasons. I feel like walking into a mental mine field (she has created) where all the mines have exploded. It's awful and this is only a short version of what is going right now in my mind. So, for a while I guess end of my rant and venting. Have anyone experienced that **** in this way or is it only me? That is maybe what I am seeking to hear.

\

 

It wasn't probably a ONS. You said her behavior continued over a period of time. She could have been fired because of her affair and she got caught.

[Clay]

WOW....

 

I'm stunned at the insensitivity of what I've just read. If the OP had responded back to this with the venom it merited he would be permabanned right now. I bolded the parts that were most glaring but I think the whole thing could have been highlighted. Reading this was like walking into bizarro world, up is down, black is white etc. The infidelity equivalent of asking a rape victim what length her skirt was as she's sobbing in the police station. This poor guy just found out a week ago that his wife cheated on him, maybe we can delay the usual 'the man must have done something wrong to drive her to this' spiel. Good grief.

 

As for the ONS vs LTA argument. I think there is something people are missing in this story and that's the fact that they have four special needs kids. What she did is actually more heinous than most cases of adultery IMO. What kind of a mother would risk the stability of her special needs child's home just to have a tawdry ONS? People who claim that cheating has nothing to do with how good a parent the cheater is need to stop and think about that for a moment.

 

OP don't let anybody here or anybody anywhere else place the blame for her affair on your shoulders. There are some people(women and men) who are under the delusion that ALL women are as pure as the driven snow and that the only way a woman could ever do something so reprehensible is if a man 'made' them do it. Oh they'll throw a disclaimer on their accusations, saying they're not blaming you for the affair, but then they'll list all of the reasons you're to blame. They speak with a forked tongue. Ignore people like that, they're only trying to sooth their own guilty conscience at your expense.

 

You would be amazed and just what people think they can justify in there minds.

 

Nothing will ever condone cheating in my mind. Its like a woman being physically abused. Its the same thing. Nothing anyone can say will ever justify it in my mind.

 

She cheated and now his world is turned upside down and clearly he has strong morals and beliefs and he is feeling destroyed just like anyone would. It sure does make me sad when people come here when there chips are down and people blame them for it. Where is the lynch mob for his wife. She not only cheated on him she is destroying four special needs kids lives by her choice. Who fights for the kids ? No one......

 

Its just disgusting. The last day my daughter was alive she told me she called her mom and her step mom and they both blamed her for her husbands death. The day she needed them the most they were both so screwed up that they only thought of themselves. His wife just changed there lives forever.

 

Sorry for the Rant.

 

OP Divorce her. Get custody and go on to be a great dad.

 

C

[Winterina]

This post is hilariously bad advice.

 

 

I don't agree that her advice was bad. She was merely trying to say that may-be his behaviour is what contributed to it...

This is not unheard of, not something out of line, and more than that, it is usually the case!

People often cheat for no reason, but more often than that they cheat because they are not happy in their relationship. Maybe she told him and he didn't hear her... We don't know it.

So the post you are referring to was actually just trying to ask the right questions.

That was not advice as such. Just opening a chance for possibility that is legitimate.

[S2B]

Please do not say anything this unhelpful and further agonise the man that is going through this much pain and anger.

I have no doubt that this WAS her first time, just because she was being eaten up by it and finally, on her own, confessed.

 

Stop speculating. We do not know anything here. So why would you say "something at work must have triggered it"... I really don't get such assumptions.

 

I didn't "assume" - I simply stated what raises questions.

 

Eyes open - look at the bigger picture and that includes what may have caused the confession.

 

Gathering ALL evidence certainly help to lay as much of the puzzle together. The prices may not all fit... but it's still useful to have as much info as necessary.

[GrandFunkRailroad]

jnel921

 

You are very angry. You need to let that go.

Here you are probably right and I won't argue with that. I don't believe or can see how it can be done if one is even not allowed of this anger since you are always reminded that you are abusive if doing so. This is especially true for men. I am not talking about violence; I'm talking how you are advised to always be nice. I mentioned those double standards already.

 

Comparing it to your military experience sounds bananas.

Let me tell you something about my military experience. I'm no more in active service, yet I served in an elite unite (infantry). It involved friends dying in the battlefield; I had to comfort their heartbroken spouses; yes, this broke me too from time to time. However, nothing broke me as she did; nothing compares to it and nothing did the same damage as she did. The pain that woman inflicted on me was thousand time worse than what my enemies did. They did it in a battle, it was expected and it is a fight for life. She was really not in a life threatening situation. In my opinion this was pure selfishness,hedonism and her own ego. Yes, there is trauma in war too, but as you say it is bananas in comparison to your wife betraying you. Especially, if everything was allright according to her, not me. It even does not come close to it. Regular armies fight with some rules, she broke all of them. And she did it, she managed it to do perfectly.

 

If she is doing all of the right things to show remorse why throw it back in her face?

So, what should I do? Applaud her and tell her maybe how to do it better next time? And who will guarantee that remorse is true and that despite the remorse she'll not do this again in the future. Reconciling is like when some shoots an arrows at you and instead of pulling the arrow out, you pull it more deeper inside. You can forgive the shooter, but why killing yourself in the process.

 

 

Reconciling is not "pathetic" as you put it. There are a lot of us here including myself who have forgiven and have reconciled our M's successfully.

True, but we must define what forgiveness is. There is a difference between forgiving and reconciling; I do want to forgive, I just don’t want to reconcile and give her another chance, because she does not deserve it and it is too dangerous. Once, one cheated the threshold is so low that they will do it most probably once again, once the conditions are right. And if they didn't cheat by chance once again, because they didn't have the right conditions so why should I live with such a person. It is beyond my mind, but maybe I am not understanding something

 

 

Leaving your wife with the burden of your 4 special needs children is totally wrong. Saying it's her problem is worse.

I never said I am going to abandon my children; on the contrary, no matter what happens between us, I will be always there for them. It has nothing to do with her. By the way, when she had an ONS, she did not really give a thought about her children and family. She betrayed and abandoned us all. It is once again interesting how the women is regarded as having no need to take any responsibilities, but when it comes to those consequences the husband is required to take the consequences both of himself and his wife. It sounds hypocritical to me if not more than this.

 

You say in the beginning of your post how great your M and how you are but your actions prove otherwise.

Why because I stand behind my words, values and standards. My thoughts on imfidelity were well known to her; no secret at all. I also do ask her to be faithful, but I hold myself to the same standards. I want to be with people in my life tht are aiming at my higher standards; I do not seek to lower my standards to other people.

 

 

Regardless of what your WW chose to do, your first responsibility is to your kids. So if you chose to separate yourself at least be there for those kids.

 

I agree and also stated this above.

 

 

M.snow

You need some counseling. Are you a religious man? You could see a pastor or a priest. This will help you heal better

Well, I consider myself a very spiritual man but not a religious person. I am also not an adherent of a monotheistic religion. Anyway, we have very practical practices to help us and I do ask for help and guidance. I agree with you that spirituality alongside with most probably psychotherapy are the best path to healing.

 

 

Right now you have many questions and i believe that a counselor can help you.

I agree with you.

 

Is your WW(wayward Wife) going to counseling?

She contacted one even before confessing to me. She will begin soon.

 

 

Right now you are very emotional. It is not the right time to make a rash decision.

Although, I am afraid to admit it, but even in the case of divorce, you're probably right.

 

Winteriana:

Would you have rather she had it in her to just keep on going happily with you and never tell you?

 

I would have rather stayed her faithful. Should I really celebrate her confessing me this just because it could have been done in a worse way? At the end, those things are normally discovered and if not because she hide it without making her husband suffering, the marriage is doomed anyway.

 

Pity she did this to you and to her family and don't forget, she did this to herself as well. You all are suffering.

Correct, this is why when even hiding things, her suffering, would cause me to suffer and destroy the marriage. You gave yourself the answer.

 

TX-SC

Go ahead and file for divorce. But don't divorce her out of pure anger and resentment. Let that die down and use a level head. As you well know, anger can be a useful weapon, but it rarely leads to rational decisions.

Thanks, that is indeed very true. This is a valid point. I would even claim that anger is never really helpful. It is just so hard right now not to be overcome with rage and anger. However, I think it is fear that prevents me to let go of that anger. The fear that if I let go I will me be stay. I know that's insane but it is among others what I deal right now with.

 

Dutchman 1

Before I would even think. Of reconciliation, I would want to know her answer:

Why she chose to sleep with OM.

Did they plan it,

Did they go to a hotel ,

Was you wife just plain horny,

Did she choose the OM, or could it have been anyone,

Did they use protection.

 

This I would need to know, before talking further.

 

Sorry mate, my gut says, she f....ed someone else than her husband, because she wanted to, and didn't give crap about you and your family.

Cheating is never a mistake, it's a choice.

 

Keep us informed, look after yourself and kids, loose the cheater.

 

 

As I wrote at the beginning I did not even wanted to hear what she wanted to say because I was adamant on divorce and could not stand to be with her. I don’t have answers for everything you ask; I must have a conversation with her for this. Yet, I do know they did not use protection.

 

Ms. John Adams

My question is what are you looking for here?

 

I think different things; three at least

 

1.Hence, I have to be civil at home, I need a place to vent and let that anger in a protected way out. Such a forum is like a "safe place" to do this. I am not saying at home the things I am saying here. Yet, I must release somewhere that dark energy. That is the first reason I'm here.

2.Whether I D or R, I still have to don't right way, so I had hope to hear here maybe from people who went through this.

3.Resulting from it, although I want to divorce, I am not afraid of opposing opinions. Indirectly and in different ways, I do got validation from this, but not as you assume it, but my own validation. If I hear opposing views, but still are able to hold ground on my opinion than I assume my perception is correct. I understand my emotions may run high from time to time, but I do appreciate everyone responding here